Can't Let Go of Ex.

Dear Dr. Love,

I was recently involved in a brief relationship. The relationship was trouble to begin with but I continued seeing the guy. He treated me horribly, but I put up with him. Finally we broke up technically I dumped him, but emotionally he dumped me. I know he meant a lot more to me than I did to him. I'll probably never see him again, but i'm having trouble letting go. I can't stop thinking about him. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm over him, but I'm only fooling myself. How can I let go and move on with my life?

Answer: 

Whenever we can't let go of an ex. , (or whenever emotions nag at us for days on end) we are dealing with unfinished childhood business. In your case, it sounds like you were abused as a kid, and your mind has drawn you to an abuser in an attempt to heal the old wound. You may think, how can being abused once again heal me? It can't. But, our minds, left to their own devices, only know one way to try to heal us. To recreate the abuses of childhood and engage us in the futile process of attempting to make the abuser change and finally love and appreciate us.

And, here's why it's hard to give up an abuser. There is such a burning hope to make this old wound right, that the mind is actually addicted to hanging on to that abuser in the hope that one day he will treat you better. Giving up the abuser, then, becomes a terrible torture and feels like giving up the hope of ever healing the original wound.

The only way around this type of problem is to go into individual or group therapy were you will develop new, non abusive relationships. At the same time, recognize that until this problem is healed in therapy, you will be drawn to abusers and find it hard to give them up. When you experience better, loving treatment in therapy, you will heal and you will develop a model for the kind of relationship you deserve in your life. Until you work this out, it is safer to give outside relationships a rest. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Falling in Love Again with Guest Larry Bilotta

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                          Ask Dr Love Radio Show

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Tuesday, April 1st, 1pm (EST) on Talk Zone Radio: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Are you in a relationship that feels like hell on earth?

You’re not alone.

Millions of people, gay and straight, married and living together find themselves trapped in relationships that are sheer misery.

But, despite the pain, we just can’t bring ourselves to leave.

We may say that we’re staying because of the kids.

Or maybe because we don’t want to be alone--the devil you know is always better than the devil you don’t know!

Beyond all these reasons, hope springs eternal. We fell in love way back when, and somewhere deep down in our hearts we still hope to return to the good old days and rekindle the love that we felt in the beginning when our hearts were young and our love was new.

When something tells you not to give up, it’s important to listen. Some part of you may be telling you there is still reason to hope!

This week, I’ll be introducing you to Larry Bilotta who lived 27 years in a marriage made in hell;  but in the 28th year he fell in love with his wife!  Now, he’s on the verge of celebrating his 40th wedding anniversary with his wife Marsha.

So don’t give up hope. Tune in to find out how you can rekindle that spark, even if you think the spark plug is dead.

If you’re in the US, you can call me toll free at: 1-888-GOFORIT. If you’re outside the US, dial the US country code, followed by the numbers: 1-847-470-0937 or 1-847-470-1114.

HOW TO LISTEN LIVE: You can tune in to Internet Radio from anywhere

and call in using any kind of phone, including Skype. Use this link to

go to this show's page and listen live:  

ARCHIVED RADIO SHOWS. This show will be recorded and can be found on

BlogTalkRadio.com, AskDrLove.com, and iTunes.

STAY INFORMED!  The best way to keep up with immediate news regarding

radio shows, columns, and special product discounts is to Like my

Facebook page at http://facebook.com/askdrlove, or follow me on

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/askdrlove.

Fridays' Love Quote

“I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother.” 

― Martha Gellhorn,

Join Me Today

Join Me Today at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio!

Why is Mary-Kate Olsen, a beautiful, successful and wealthy celebrity, getting hitched to a guy who’s old enough to be her dad?

We all know that millions of women choose older men as life partners and spouses because older guys are often more able to provide financial safety and security.

But Mary-Kate doesn’t need a guy to support her financially.

So what’s her reason?

This week, I gave an exclusive interview in the National Enquirer Magazine in which I explained the real reason why Mary-Kate is tying the knot with a guy who’s old enough to be her dad. The reason for her choice? Those famous Old Scars that I talk about!

Tune in as I unravel Mary-Kate’s story…

I’ll also be talking about why so many women are going for older guys–and what younger guys can do to make themselves more appealing to younger women!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

If you have missed any shows, they are available on demand at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love

What is Too Young?

I am romantically involved with a much younger woman.

She does not seem to worry about our age difference, but I do. Every thing else being equal, at what point should a couple be really concerned? 20 years difference? 30 years? 40 years? 50 years? Any advice??

Signed by: 

I'm worried

Answer: 

Your question reminds me of a bit that I heard on Car Talk.

A man calls in and asks about his girlfriend's car. He then says, 'I'm really not calling about the car. I'm calling to say that my girlfriend is quite a bit younger than I am and I wanted to ask you if you think I should continue seeing her'. One of the Car Talk hosts asks how much younger she is. He says 30 years. The other host says, 'an age difference like that can be fatal', to which the other host replies, 'If she dies, she dies.' But seriously folks. . . .

You need to keep in mind that the things we worry about rarely come to pass. The disasters we brace for that never come. Because, as I've seen, fate always seems to serve a curve ball that we never saw coming. . . . So why live in the future. Why brace for imaginary disasters. You could end up getting hit by a bus tomorrow! So don't focus on rules.

Couples can be miserable and incompatible even though they are the same age, and couples with a great age difference can be very compatible and happy together. What matters is whether you love each other and whether you enjoy your life together. If you do, then why not treasure the gift and enjoy it for as long as you live.

This being said, I also think you need to flesh out what frightens you about the age difference. Are you afraid that you won't be able to hold her as you grow older? Are you worried that you won't be able to satisfy her sexually as you age? Are you fearful that she'll drop you later in life?

It's vital that you figure out the origin of your fear. When you do, you will then be in a position to resolve the real issue that troubles you. As your self-reflection will soon reveal, your concern over the age difference is a smokescreen for a deeper fear. We need to identify that fear and work it through. Then you will feel free to move forward with her and enjoy your life together

Jealous Pair

Dear Dr. Love:

I have been dating a girl for about a year and a half. I love her with all my heart. I am in my first year of College and she is a senior in high school. She is a very flirtatious person, and I was getting jealous of nothing, to the point we couldn't carry on real conversations because we were both constantly wondering what was going on behind each others back.

A few weeks ago, we decided the best thing would be for us to see other people on the side, without changing anything between the two of us. She still claims to love me as much as she always has, but it doesn't seem like that could be possible, seeing as she is with two guys other than me. Granted they aren't as serious as she and I, but still.

I 'm not seeing anyone, but I did cheat on her before we set up this deal and never told her. I want to save what we have, because I think it's really worth it.

I have a couple of questions. One, is seeing other people more destructive than helpful. Two, is it possible she does love me as much as she says? And finally, how can I keep us together?

Signed: Jealous Pair.

Answer: 

You asked me three questions. Before I answer any of them, we have to talk.

First of all, both you and your girlfriend are drowning in jealousy--and it sounds like with good reason. She fears that something is going on behind her back, and it turns out you cheated on her even before you set up the 'New Deal. 'So, she had reasons to mistrust.

You were jealous of her constant flirting. And, you had reasons to mistrust her because now she is seeing two other guys. There are too many unknown variables here.

For starters: why are you both flirting and cheating? Both of you seem terrified of becoming close with another person. Behind the flirting and cheating often lies the fear of closeness; and the behind the fear of closeness often lurks the fear of abandonment. (If I let you close to me and you dump me, I'll be destroyed. )

Both of you seem be be trying to get a jump on the storm: I'll cheat on her before she cheats on me. I'll flirt with and date other guys before he has a chance to dump me. Both of you decided to open the relationship to other people. What were you hoping to solve by doing this? By diluting the relationship in this way, it feels like you are both escaping the real issue.

Why are you both so terrified and mistrustful of love? To answer this question, you need to do some emotional homework and find out where these insecurities originate. Both of you have been hurt and don't trust love. You need to figure out where these hurts stem from and talk about these fears with each other.

In answer to your first question, can your girlfriend truly love you, yes she can love you, but if you don't deal with these fears of closeness, the love may become buried by unresolved emotional issues.

Secondly, in answer to the question, is seeing other people more destructive than helpful, if you both are dating others in order to avoid intimacy, I think you begin to see that by doing so you are not solving the real issues. Also, by dating other people, there is the risk that the abandonment fears and jealousy reactions will become more intense.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

Why is Mary-Kate Olsen getting hitched to a guy who’s old enough to be her dad?

Ask Dr Love Radio Show

Tuesday, March 25th, 1pm (EST) on Talk Zone Radio: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Why is Mary-Kate Olsen, a beautiful, successful and wealthy celebrity, getting hitched to a guy who’s old enough to be her dad?

We all know that millions of women choose older men as life partners and spouses because older guys are often more able to provide financial safety and security.

But Mary-Kate doesn’t need a guy to support her financially.

So what’s her reason?

This week, I gave an exclusive interview in the National Enquirer Magazine in which I explained the real reason why Mary-Kate is tying the knot with a guy who’s old enough to be her dad. The reason for her choice? Those famous Old Scars that I talk about!

Tune in as I unravel Mary-Kate’s story…

I’ll also be talking about why so many women are going for older guys--and what younger guys can do to make themselves more appealing to younger women!   

If you’re in the US, you can call me toll free at: 1-888-GOFORIT. If you’re outside the US, dial the US country code, followed by the numbers: 1-847-470-0937 or 1-847-470-1114.

HOW TO LISTEN LIVE: You can tune in to Internet Radio from anywhere

and call in using any kind of phone, including Skype. Use this link to

go to this show's page and listen live:  

ARCHIVED RADIO SHOWS. This show will be recorded and can be found on

BlogTalkRadio.com, AskDrLove.com, and iTunes.

STAY INFORMED!  The best way to keep up with immediate news regarding

radio shows, columns, and special product discounts is to Like my

Facebook page at http://facebook.com/askdrlove, or follow me on

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/askdrlove.

Fridays' Love Quote

“It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done.” 

― Vincent van Gogh

Join Me Today At 1pm (EST)

Loving and Lasting with Bestselling Author Ande Lyons

Join me this today at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio, for an exciting show with my special guest Ande Lyons, the founder and Chief Passion Curator for BringBackDesire.com where she tastefully and playfully shares tips, tools and resources with women who want more sensuality and sexual excitement in their lives.

As the host of the Loving and Lasting Radio Show and TV show via Google+, Ande helps couples stay tuned in and turned on to each other through her engaging and informative conversations with love experts, relationship experts, and authors.

Ande’s ebook, Loving and Lasting: How to Stay Tuned In and Turned On in Marriage has been a bestseller in the marriage category on Amazon.com. Twenty of Ande’s favorite Love Experts share their best advice on how to have a more meaningful and fulfilling marriage.

An enthusiastic and experienced entrepreneur with an MBA and several successful businesses to her credit, Ande is enjoying a well-balanced life (really!) managing her growing business while raising two wonderful boys with her husband.

Tune in to find out more about how you can bring more passion into your love life!

If you have missed any shows they are available on Demand @ http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

Lost in California

Dear Dr. Love,

The man who is the love of my life is my high school sweetheart. Unfortunately, after high school I went to college and he went to the navy and we have been apart for almost four years now. During this time we have tried to be together but the strain of the distance was too much. Yet, we cannot let go and up until now we always say we will move on and yet have not.

Well now I am about ready to graduate from college and he is almost done with the navy. Neither of us are in serious relationships and we always had said this was THE year to finally be together. I have expressed my true feelings to him and told him that I am still in love with him .I followed this up with a visit to see him for the weekend. Yet, he cannot commit to me and says he 'cannot jump back in 'I know he still loves me, so why is he saying this? Could he be scared or is this a sign for me to move on? He is also a very indecisive person and prides himself on this? Help, please.

Lost in Ca.

Answer: 

It is your boyfriend who sounds lost, not you. You are correct when you say that he is scared. He went into the Navy, which was his way of avoiding intimacy. You say he is very indecisive and likes this quality in himself, which means he has no motivation to change this part of himself. Now, he has the chance to commit and he says he can't jump back in.

Maybe it's time for you to jump ship while you have the chance. And, don't be surprised if you find him chasing you when you pull back. People who suffer from your boyfriend's problem always come in close when they feel you distancing. But as soon as you respond, they pull back again. If you had said in your letter, he knows he has a problem with intimacy and wants to work on it, I would feel there is hope. But, I didn't hear anything like this in your letter. So, as far as I can see, this guy is a dead-end. And, if you don't want to spend your life chasing a rainbow, you need to seriously consider moving on before it's too late.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Ask Dr Love

This week on Ask Dr. Love Radio, I speak with guest Ande Lyons, the founder and Chief Passion Curator for BringBackDesire.com where she tastefully and playfully shares tips, tools and resources with women who want more sensuality and excitement in their lives.

Join Me Today and Call in @ 1-888-463-6748


Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

How Young is too Young?

I am romantically involved with a much younger woman.

She does not seem to worry about our age difference, but I do. Every thing else being equal, at what point should a couple be really concerned? 20 years difference? 30 years? 40 years? 50 years? Any advice??

Answer: 

Your question reminds me of a bit that I heard on Car Talk.

A man calls in and asks about his girlfriend's car. He then says, 'I'm really not calling about the car. I'm calling to say that my girlfriend is quite a bit younger than I am and I wanted to ask you if you think I should continue seeing her'. One of the Car Talk hosts asks how much younger she is. He says 30 years. The other host says, 'an age difference like that can be fatal', to which the other host replies, 'If she dies, she dies.' But seriously folks. . . .

You need to keep in mind that the things we worry about rarely come to pass. The disasters we brace for that never come. Because, as I've seen, fate always seems to serve a curve ball that we never saw coming. . . . So why live in the future. Why brace for imaginary disasters. You could end up getting hit by a bus tomorrow! So don't focus on rules.

Couples can be miserable and incompatible even though they are the same age, and couples with a great age difference can be very compatible and happy together. What matters is whether you love each other and whether you enjoy your life together. If you do, then why not treasure the gift and enjoy it for as long as you live.

This being said, I also think you need to flesh out what frightens you about the age difference. Are you afraid that you won't be able to hold her as you grow older? Are you worried that you won't be able to satisfy her sexually as you age? Are you fearful that she'll drop you later in life?

It's vital that you figure out the origin of your fear. When you do, you will then be in a position to resolve the real issue that troubles you. As your self-reflection will soon reveal, your concern over the age difference is a smokescreen for a deeper fear. We need to identify that fear and work it through. Then you will feel free to move forward with her and enjoy your life together.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf( aka Dr. Love)

Love Quote for Friday

“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ” 

Agatha Christie

Are You Committing Bedroom Boo-Boos?

Join me today at 1pm( EST) on Blog Talk Radio.

In this week’s show, I’m pulling back the covers to reveal the 7 most common male and female bedroom blunders and how to fix them fast.

When it comes to female errors (if you’ll pardon the pun), did you know that paying too much attention to his is high on the list of sexual sins? And do you know the other 6 errors that most women make?

As for guys, when it comes to raining on her sexual parade, did you know that the “Get Her Done” approach, or what I refer to as the Sex Olympics is top of the list of male bedroom boo-boos. If you don’t want her to be shouting “boo” at you in bed, tune in to find out the 6 other sexual blunders that most men make.

Join me to find out whether, when it comes to getting laid, you’re laying an egg!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

If you miss the show at 1pm you can also watch it on demand.

I Need Her Love

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been dating my girlfriend for six months now. We have known each other for about four years. We tried having a relationship last summer that only lasted two months. Now that we've been together for six months I feel that our relationship has not grown emotionally, spiritually or physically. I feel like we are still just friends. We are not very intimate with each other. We do not hold, hug or touch each other very often.

With this in mind I think you know that the most intimate thing a couple could do has not happened. I 'm okay with that though. It is the little signs of affection that I yearn for. She tells me that she is not used to showing affection. At one point she felt uncomfortable spending the night at my house. I think that has changed. While in bed, we do not hold each other. I guess I should give you this information before I go any further. I am 27 and she is 20.

I have had relationships where affection and intimacy were abundant. On the other hand, she has not had many relationships to that degree. I have no problems with being patient. But I feel that our relationship is not heading in the right direction. I have told her that I love her, but the past couple of days I find myself daydreaming about being with someone who will give me the affection that I need.

Another thing that I feel hinders our relationship is our difference in attitude. I am a very optimistic person. When things are bad, I always try to look at the bright side, or bring something positive out of the issue. She has a defeated attitude, and she doubts herself more than she realizes. Whenever I try to lift her spirits, she does not accept it. I know I love her but, I am so afraid that my feelings are going to change for her. Please help me salvage my relationship.

Signed, 'I Need Her Love '

Answer: 

To read my response please visit  http://askdrlove.com/content/i-need-her-love

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Exciting Invitation!

Hi, it's Dr. Love here with a very exciting invitation!

This Wednesday, March 12th  at 12 noon EST, I'll be doing a live Google+  Hangout. We are going to have a fun conversation on Kiss Your Fights Good-bye!

Google Hangouts is like watching a live TV show where you can participate in two ways:

1) If you're on Google+ you can actually join in and be a part of the show! Just click on the link below and click on the YES button on the event invite… you can leave your comments or questions in the comment thread.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/crcqmfdg5p2k85ggu7v1uqibot8

OR

2) If you're not on Google+ you can watch, listen and comment live via YouTube!

Here's the link to watch live on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/bringbackdesire

3) And you can even watch on YouTube from your mobile phone.

How cool is that!

4) If you can't catch the show live, we'll post the event invite link on Facebook so you can watch later when it's convenient for you.

However, it's more fun live… where you can speak to me live and ask me your questions! 

Hope to hang out with you soon!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf( aka Dr. Love)

Does She Love Me?

Dear Dr. Love,

I 'm 20 years old and I have been together with my girlfriend for 9 months. Sometimes I get confused and I wonder if she really loves me. Sometimes she really shows a lot of love and sometimes she is really cold. My question is, how or what is the best way to tell if a woman really loves you.

Thank You.

Answer: 

I understand your confusion. There are no hard and fast rules for recognizing whether someone else loves you. Since you say that your girlfriend shows a lot of love, I would say that she probably does love you.

So, if she loves you, why these periods of coolness? I think that she cools because she doesn't know how to deal with her angry feelings toward you. Angry feelings are normal in relationships, but since we haven't been trained to express negative feelings in words, it is common for these feelings to be expressed in actions: 'pulling back 'or 'cooling off, 'etc. Does your girlfriend ever put her angry feelings into words? If she doesn't, then we can assume that when she cools toward you, she is at a loss for how to discuss what's bothering her.

So, next time she cools, ask her, 'I feel a cool wind blowing in my direction. Did I do something to upset you?' When she tells you what you did, listen attentively and thank her for sharing. Regularly inviting her to put her feelings into words, should warm the Siberian winds. Eventually, she will learn how to tell you what is on her mind and avoid the periods of cooling off all together.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Why Me?

I am a 19 year old 1st year college girl and I really need your relationship advice. I have like NO luck with guys at all. I am a really great person, I have never had sex, I am waiting for the right guy I guess. I am pretty attractive, I have been told many times.

I get into relationships with guys and I try not to fall for them too fast because I know that they will end up hurting me. They treat me great and I get hooked, once I do, they dump me! I haven't had a 'serious' relationship for more than 3 months. I was however 'seeing' a guy for almost a year. I just don't know what is wrong with me, I treat the guys I am with great. I am a sweet and caring person.

What am I doing wrong!?! I need to know why the guys I date end up to be jerks. Am I a jerk magnet? 

Well, please help! Thank you!

Signed by: 

Why Me?

Answer: 

Yes, you do need relationship advice! My first piece of advice is to tell you that all your relationships sound scripted. Like you know the beginning, middle and end before you turn the first page of a relationship. And, because you are sure of the outcome, you avoid getting attached, because you know that you will end up being hurt and rejected, again.

Whenever you find yourself playing out a script, or caught in a repetitive scenario, there is only one reason why this is happening. The mind is replaying some core scene of childhood that hasn't been healed.  

So, you need to find out what childhood trauma is being replayed for you. It sounds like you are reliving an abandonment theme. Someone made you trust him (or her) then rejected you.

To figure out your specific Old Scar, think back to what hurt most when you when you were young. 

After you identify your Old Scar, next we need to figure out what healing you need. Sometimes the replaying of a past wound is the mind's way of exorcising the bad feelings. By reliving the painful feelings of the past, feelings weaken until they are fully worked through.

Mostly, the mind wishes to replay the past in order to achieve the Happy Ending that I talk so often about. Your Happy Ending as a child would have most likely been that parent sticking around rather than walking out. Your Happy Ending now would be finding a boyfriend who sticks around and doesn't reject or abandon you.

It's important that you is to stop replaying the old abandonment theme in real life, where the stakes are higher and each new abandonment adds insult to injury and drives the wound deeper inside you.

I suggest you take a break from dating for now and enter therapy. In good therapy, you will have the opportunity to replay the abandonment feelings and obtain the Happy Ending with a therapist who doesn't leave you.

When you are healed, you will be acutely aware of the people that you choose to date. You will not only be able to read the clues and pick out abandoners. (You already seem to sense from the beginning that the people you are choosing are abandoners.) but you will also be ready to avoid these people.  

Again, I encourage you to have no relationships until you work this issue out in therapy. Being alone is better than being abandoned again and again.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Join me Today

Join me today at 1pm ( EST) on Blog Talk Radio

How Understanding Creates Longstanding Love

Did you know that happy couples are happy because they know how to enter each other’s emotional realities and see the world from the other’s vantage point?

The technical name for this skill is Partial Identification. What this skill entails is keeping one foot on your own side of the emotional fence while at the same time stepping into your partner’s emotional shoes.

No relationship can thrive without this skill.

Unfortunately, in distressed relationships, partners never Partially Identify with each other; instead, they ram their individual realities down each other’s throats...which leads to ringing each other’s necks!

Because Partial Identification is the master key to heading off fights--and creating a solid bond--you’ll want to tune in to learn how to master this skill.

And, by the way, this skill will improve all your relationships with friends, family, kids and co-workers

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

If you have missed any shows the are available on demand at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love

Iceman

Dr. Love,

Is it possible for me to fall back in love with my wife even though I feel nothing for her right now? She has said and done a lot to crush me and I feel numb now. Can those feelings come back?

Signed by: 

Can My Feelings Come Back?

Answer: 

The numbness you describe is like a psychological anesthesia, a protection so that you can't be hurt any more. And it sounds like your mind is doing you a big favor since your wife has said and done a lot to crush you. Yes, your love feelings can return, but certain conditions are required.

First, you need to feel safe that you won't be destroyed again if you open up. In order to have this assurance, your wife needs to learn how to express her needs and disappointments about the relationship in a less destructive way. She needs to be very focused, not global in her complaints, and coolly tell you what you are doing (behavioral description) and how that behavior makes her feel.

Then she needs to state what you could do to make her feel better. If you listen and understand, there is less danger of her becoming too enraged and saying horrible things. Women often lose it when they don't feel heard and understood.

So, you can protect yourself by: structuring the discussions; listening well to what she says; and aborting discussions that start to heat up, rescheduling for when things cool down. If you find it difficult to manage these discussions alone, it is O. K. to seek help from a good marriage counsellor.

With hard work you can create a more loving marriage in which you feel safe to love.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

How Understanding Creates Longstanding Love!

Today on Ask Dr Love Radio,

Did you know that happy couples are happy because they know how to enter each other’s emotional realities and see the world from the other’s vantage point?

The technical name for this skill is Partial Identification. What this skill entails is keeping one foot on your own side of the emotional fence while at the same time stepping into your partner’s emotional shoes.

No relationship can thrive without this skill.

Unfortunately, in distressed relationships, partners never Partially Identify with each other; instead, they ram their individual realities down each other’s throats...which leads to ringing each other’s necks!

Because Partial Identification is the master key to heading off fights--and creating a solid bond--you’ll want to tune in to learn how to master this skill.

And, by the way, this skill will improve all your relationships with friends, family, kids and co-workers.

I loved hearing from you last week, so don’t hesitate to reach out to me this week. The number to call is: 1-888-GOFORIT. If you’re outside the US, dial the US country code, followed by the numbers: 1-847-470-0937 or 1-847-470-1114.

Join me today at 1pm (EST)

Listen live on Talk Zone Radio! Click here

Dr Jamie Turndrof(aka Dr. Love)

Not Sure How To Read A Shy Guy...

Hello Dr. Love,

I truly need your advice! There is a very attractive boy in my Poetry class, I recognized him the first day from a party I was at. Where he (according to my friends) was looking at me, but made a strange comment referring to my clothes... I'm not exactly sure what he said, but I do know it wasn't a nice comment. So, first day of class he sat beside me and I could see him looking at me like he recognized me. Second class, he sat as far away from me as he possibly could. For at least 2 weeks he sat away from me but, he would look at me.. My friends started to notice this, that's how much he looked! Anyways, I made it late to class and he was sitting in my seat, so I took the seat beside him. Awkward silence until I introduced myself, he was very nice shook my hand and told me his name. He seemed alittle nervous, but he smiled alot. I thought things went well, next class rolled around. And he sat on the other side of the room again! On break I left to use the washroom, and I ran into him. He just looked at me, didn't smile, didn't say anything, just walked away... :( Finally, my latest class proved to be very interesting. I was there early, and he sat beside me when there were other seats open. On break, I got up to go talk to my friends on the other side of the room, and he was looking at me again. Then the end of class I said I liked his t-shirt and he seemed impressed that I knew the band on his shirt. It looked like he started to blush he went alittle red in the cheeks, then he started to walk away awkwardly. The whole thing just seemed strange yet good.

Signed by: 

Confused :(

Answer: 

Yeah the dude likes you all right. Here’s another instance where partial identification skills come in handy. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how terrified the poor guy is. He likes you and doesn’t have a clue as to how to go about winning you. He's probably also nursing a big case of fear of rejection, as well!

He needs a helping hand from you.

You’re going to need to make the first move. He needs to be hit over the head with a love hammer in order to know, without a doubt, that you like him.

Give him lots of what I call Green Lights, which include: approachable body language, smiling, facing him, asking interested questions, and saying positive things to him.

If that doesn’t move the mountain, then we’ll have to get a stick of dynamite!

He should be able to move forward if you offer him the training wheels I outlined.

Dr Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr.Love)