Worried Wife

Dr. Love,

I recently caught my husband outrageously flirting with different women in a chat room. It really bothered me because he never flirts with me anymore. He says I have no reason to worry, that he is not doing anything wrong. However, I am still troubled by it. Do you feel I have reason to worry or should I just put it in the past and forget it?

Worried Wife

Answer: 

Why is it that we women try to talk ourselves out of what we feel and what we know? If you feel worried, then you need to respect your feelings. And, just because your husband wants to dismiss your feelings doesn't mean that you have to follow his lead.

When he says that he isn't doing anything wrong, he is missing the point. He is in a relationship with you, and, if you feel upset by his behavior, then he needs to realize: If an action is wrong for you, then it's wrong for the relationship, and ultimately wrong for him. . . that is if he wants to keep this relationship.

So, I would approach him again. When he tries to discount your feelings, I would tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to consider how you feel. The bottom line here is this: you feel that your intimacy needs aren't being met (he never flirts with you any more). Moreover, his behavior is an act of hostility. He is flirting with other women under your nose. This is f. u. behavior and if he doesn't know it, then, maybe it's time he found out.

So, I would ask him: Do you want a relationship with me? If he says he does, then I would inform him that, if he wants a relationship with you, he must be responsive to your feelings. I would also ask him, 'What are you telling me when you flirt with other women in the chat room?' If he says, 'I'm not telling you anything. ' Don't buy that answer. I would say, 'Behavior always communicates thoughts and feelings. What thoughts and feelings are you conveying to me?' Ask him how he wants you to feel about his behavior. What does he want you to think. And, how does he want you to interpret his behavior. Ask him how he would feel if you behaved this way.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Love is in the Air: How to Spring Clean your Dating Profile with Jessica Baker

Tuesday, April 29th, 12pm Noon (EST) on Google+ and YouTube

Hi, it's Dr. Jamie Turndorf here...

In this episode of Ask Dr. Love, I will be speaking with Jessica Baker, Founder and CEO of Aligned Signs about how to "spring clean" your online dating profile. Tune in and find out how to sweep away the cobwebs and create a real profile that attracts true love.

Even if you aren't in the dating market, this show will help you clear your way to an even deeper love. So tune in for a show that I know you're going to love.

To Listen Live:
Google+ Event Page: https://plus.google.com/events/cst15f49jvm35h0qe1kjmque4dg

YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeIfCPuAquo

Ask Dr. Love: http://askdrlove.com/radio-shows/love-air-guest-jessica-baker

ARCHIVED RADIO SHOWS

Don’t worry. If you miss the live broadcast, the show will be archived on my site and on WebTalkRadio.net, BlogTalkRadio.com, iTunes and YouTube.

Anger and Alcohol

Dear Dr. Love:

Why does alcohol make SOME people ANGRY? Is is true that alcohol brings out your TRUE feelings?

Anger and Alcohol

Answer: 

You asked, 'Does alcohol make some people angry?' Alcohol is a Central Nervous System Depressant, which means that it lowers many brain functions. One of the brain functions which is diminished is repression. Repression is an unconscious mechanism in which the mind cuts off thoughts and feelings that are unacceptable to the self.

Everyone represses intolerable feelings, but, obviously, what is intolerable for one may be fine for another. Some people may repress angry feelings and accept sexual feelings, and for others the opposite may be true. The point is, whatever feelings or thoughts are repressed are suddenly made available when alcohol is consumed. So, in answer to your question, yes, alcohol, by lowering repression, will bring out buried feelings of anger. But, the same is true, as I said already, about sexual feelings. I am sure that you have seen horny drunks who are happy to hump bar stools.

The more a person owns his feelings during sober moments, the less likely is it that the feelings will pop out when under the influence of alcohol.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Love Quote for Friday!

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” 

― Dr. Seuss

Why My Head and Heart Do Not Match

Dear Dr. Love,

I briefly became involved with a married man. Before we were involved, he told me that he was leaving his (pregnant) wife. He also pursued me like there was no tomorrow.

I became convinced, finally, that it was safe to proceed. But soon, I noticed some confusing messages from him about leaving his marriage, and as a result, I ended our relationship immediately.

While I know I did the right thing to take care of myself, why does it feel so bad? It's like I have an argument going on inside my head all the time about this.

And, unbelievably, he feels that I used him and I even feel guilty about that! Just curious why my head and heart do not match.

Thanks Doc.

Signed by: 

curious

Answer: 

If I understand your question, you are experiencing an internal conflict. Conflict arises when different parts of the self are at war with each other.

To help you understand what's going on, I'd like you to imagine your brain or psyche as a three-part puzzle. One part of your psyche is the emotional or id part. This part of the psyche is only interested in gratification, in satisfying urges and going after immediate gratification. This part of your psyche wanted to stay with this man and obtain pleasure through the connection.

The second part of your psyche is your superego or conscience. This part of your brain is berating you with guilt over your having dropped him. The third part of your psyche is your ego or rational self. Your decision to break up with this man was an ego driven decision and based upon a clear decision to take care of yourself and do what's best for you. Just so you know, all decisions should come from the ego, as opposed to the id or superego.

So, pat yourself on the back for having made a healthy choice for yourself. Also, realize that no matter how healthy your choice is this by no means cancels out the thoughts and feelings that emanate from the other parts of your psyche. Your id screams, 'what about me?' and your superego shouts, 'you were wrong to drop him. '

Accepting the fact that we humans are not of one 'mind' and knowing that the various parts of ourselves rarely line up should be a comfort to you. Accept your torn feelings. They are normal.

There is one thing that does concern me, however and that is how harsh your conscience seems to be. It's one thing for the selfish id to throw a tantrum when it isn't gratified--that 's to be expected--but it's quite another thing to berate yourself.

You would be wise to figure out why your conscience is so harsh. Yes, I know that this man is laying a guilt trip on you, but he can't send you on any trip unless you're willing to pack your own bags and go along for the ride.

So, find out why you're so hard on yourself. Was your mom or dad hard on you? Were they hard on themselves and did you incorporate their own traits? Is your self-attack the result of misdirected anger?

Understanding where your self-attack comes from is the first step to softening this overly harsh part of your psyche.

Dr. Jamie Turmdorf (aka Dr. Love)

If You Missed the Last Show

Confessions of a Gigolo with Vin Armani, star of Showtime’s Gigolos

Could America’s top gigolo teach you a thing or two about seduction?

Well, tune in and find out!

I talked with Vin Armani, internationally known elite male companion for women and star of the Showtime show, Gigolos. His years of experience, both professional and otherwise in the art of seduction have given him a deep understanding of the applied principles of human socio-sexuality. Through his experience as an elite male companion, Armani has developed a unique approach to developing a genuine and positive connection with clients.

Author of the book Tao of The Gigolo, Armani has established unique views on love, relationships, romance, and sexuality. His philosophy and passion for delivering exceptional experiences brought him to establish Companion Concierge.

Join me to learn about the art of seduction secrets from a seduction master!

  Listen on Blog Talk Radio!

How to Not Get Taken on a Guilt Trip

       Ask Dr Love Radio Show

Tuesday, April 22nd, 12 pm noon (EST) live on Google Hangouts and YouTube

Most of us like to travel, but I don’t know anyone who enjoys being taken on a guilt trip!

Last week, I posted an article on Psychology Today in which I discussed how to not get taken on a guilt trip.

The editors loved the article and featured one of my quotes: “Nobody can take you a guilt trip if you aren’t willing to pack your bags and take the ride.”

Within 24 hours, the article had 4.8K LIKES!

Seeing all the interest in this topic, I knew I had to devote an entire show to the issue.

 

So, join me this Tuesday when I will dissect the anatomy of guilt tripping.

We’ll discuss the many reasons why people lay them, including buried anger, a lack of communication skills and an inability to directly state one’s needs, which can result in the manipulation of others.

We will also be looking at why some people are more willing than others to be taken for a ride. These reasons include having been blamed or abused as a child, having a guilty conscience and feeling deserving of blame, and much more.

Lastly, we’ll be talking about what victims of the trips do, without knowing it, to reward the guilt tripper, which only encourages more of the same.

And, most importantly, I’ll be showing how to put a stop to the trips.

Tune in for what is sure to be a very eye opening and liberating show.

Fridays' Love Quote

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” 

― Friedrich Nietzsche

Insecure With Good Reason

Dear Dr. Love,

I live with my boyfriend. He is in Sales. Which means he is a busy man. He got relocated for work and we both had to move to a state that we were not happy with. Things were fine for a while but each of us carried a lot of stress because of both work and changes in living, money.

It has been a couple of months and he has decided to start staying overnight. (He never did before as OFTEN). He never tells me where he is going what he is doing etc. . . Last Night he left for the night (on business) well number 1: he calls at midnight. number 2: I try to page him right after we hang up and he doesn't call back. number 3: I wake up in the morning and try it again. . . . . . . . no response. Now, he always has his pager on him. And don't you think he should tell me what hotel etc. . . ???? I mean what if I was in trouble.

I guess what I 'm worried about is: is he cheating on me??? Please help me it's effecting me day & day. Am I being insecure??? He comes home tonight: what should I do?? I really love this man. Thanks.

Answer: 

You have every reason to worry. Your boyfriend's behavior is suspicious. You need to ask him straight out if he is seeing other women. And, if he says, 'no, 'I wouldn't be so quick to believe him since you suspect that he lies.

Next, you need to find out why you are drawn to a lover who leaves you feeling this insecure. I suspect that in your early life, a mom or a dad abandoned you or you watched one of your parents being abandoned over and over. In either case, you got the message that being in love means trembling in fear of abandonment. It feels to me like some unfinished business is playing out here. You need to find out what this is. Unless you do, this boyfriend will always leave you standing by the phone.

And, if you end this relationship, you will find another boyfriend who leaves you feeling just as insecure. So, for your own sake, figure out what part of your childhood is being replayed here. When you figure it out, let me know and we can move to the next step in your healing. Keep in touch with me and let me know what you have discovered.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

What Causes Husband Withdrawal

Watch Tomorrow at 12 noon( EDT) on Blog Talk Radio

Unresolved anger is the #1 killer of love… and husband withdrawal is the number one cause of marital and relationship strife, divorce, and domestic violence.

Known to millions as “Dr. Love” at AskDrLove.com, Dr. Jamie Turndorf is sharing advice from her recently published Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10-Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship, where she focuses on how to transform conflict into connection for a lifetime of lasting love.  Published by Hay House, Dr. Jamie’s book has been endorsed by Jack Canfield, Dr. John Gray and John Bradshaw.

Dr. Jamie has been delighting readers and audiences for 3 decades with her engaging blend of professional expertise, spicy humor and ability to turn clinical psychobabble into easy-to-understand concepts that transform lives and heal relationships.

Her methods have been featured on all the national networks, including CNN, NBC, CBS, VH1, Fox, on websites like WebMD, iVillage, Discovery.com, MSNBC.com, and in Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, Glamour, American Woman, Modern Bride, and Marie Claire. 

Dr. Jamie’s “Ask Dr. Love” radio show can be heard in Seattle on KKNW and in 80 countries worldwide.

Dr. Jamie can be found sharing her relationship wisdom and love via her website, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and Google+.

Confessions of a Gigolo with Vin Armani, star of Showtime’s Gigolos

Could America’s top gigolo teach you a thing or two about seduction?

Well, tune in and find out!

In this week’s show, I’ll be talking with Vin Armani, internationally known elite male companion for women and star of the Showtime show, Gigolos. His years of experience, both professional and otherwise in the art of seduction have given him a deep understanding of the applied principles of human socio-sexuality. Through his experience as an elite male companion, Armani has developed a unique approach to developing a genuine and positive connection with clients.

Author of the book Tao of The Gigolo, Armani has established unique views on love, relationships, romance, and sexuality. His philosophy and passion for delivering exceptional experiences brought him to establish Companion Concierge.

Join me  Tuesday at 1pm (EDT)to learn about the art of seduction secrets from a seduction master!

Listen live on Google+ or Youtube! Click here

Fridays'Love Quote

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 

― Laozi

If You Missed Tuesdays Show...

Join Me Today On Blog Talk Radio at 1pm (EST)

Did you know that a slight edge in your voice can set your guy’s teeth on edge?

It’s true!

Men are highly sensitive to the slightest modulations in a woman’s voice.

Your voice alone can trigger ANS arousal and withdrawal reactions in him.

And you know what happens to your voice when he’s withdrawing from you! When you raise your voice, you’re insuring even more withdrawal behaviors!

Join me to find out how you can use your voice to stop a guy from withdrawing and even inspire love with your voice alone!

Tune in for a fascinating discussion with Jill Mattson, author, artist, musician and widely recognized expert and composer in the emerging field of Sound Healing. Jill has written four books and produced six CD's that combine intricate Sound Healing techniques with her original Award winning musical compositions.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

What is He Thinking??

Hey Doc,

First of all thank you for taking the time to read this question. I will try to keep it brief for you.

Ok so I've been in love with my best friend for awhile now. 6 months ago I told him I liked him and he seemed very sorry about it when he told me he liked someone else. That was kind of a surprise for me at the time, but when looking back on it I could see why. The girl was also my friend and I knew to be a good sport and let it be. Unfortunately for him, she didn't like him the same way. Throughout this whole silly triangle thing, he remained my best friend. Sometimes he would act nicer. But I knew it was just because he was a nice guy and he felt bad for rejecting me. He had told people we were close after all. And we are! We talk and see each other often. 

I got tired of waiting for an impossible ask out from him, so I went out with someone else. He asked me so many questions about the guy like who is it? What's he like? Is that your type? When do I get to meet him? 

I know it could just be possible that he was asking as a friend. It seems to me though like he's a little bit possessive of me? Or do you think maybe he's confused about his feelings? 

I did end up breaking up with the guy as I realized I didn't love him as much as my friend.

I don't know what to think. 

Thank you for your time if you answer 

Signed by: 

Confused

Answer: 

You sound like such a sweetie who deserves to find a guy who adores her.

In answer to your question why he asked about the other guy. There are so many possibilities. He could simply be acting like a protective older brother. But the fact that you wonder if he’s confused about how he feels about you, makes me wonder if you may be picking up on a vibe from him.

What do you have to lose by being honest and asking him. The worst he can say is “no” and confirm that he does just feel like a protective brother.

If he is confused, then you might get him talking about what his problem is!

I wish you luck with him. You’re darling and Dr. Love wants you to be loved back with the same amount of fervor. If it’s not him, then it will be someone else. Hold out for the entire emotional enchilada!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

How Your Voice Can Attract or Repel Love with Guest Jill Mattson

Ask Dr Love Radio Show

Tuesday, April 8th, 1pm (EST) on Talk Zone Radio: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Did you know that even the slightest edge in your voice can set your guy’s teeth on edge?

It’s true!

Men are highly sensitive to the smallest modulations in a woman’s voice.

This means that your voice alone can trigger ANS arousal and withdrawal reactions in a man.

And, you know what happens to your voice when a guy starts withdrawing from you?! Vicious cycle time! ‘Cause, when you raise your voice, you’re trigger more withdrawal behaviors!

This week, I’ll be sharing how you can use your voice to stop a guy from withdrawing and even how you can use your vocal chords to tug at the strings of his heart.  

Tune in for a fascinating discussion with Jill Mattson, author, artist, musician and widely recognized expert and composer in the emerging field of Sound Healing. Jill has written four books and produced six CD's that combine intricate Sound Healing techniques with her original Award winning musical compositions.

If you’re in the US, you can call me toll free at: 1-888-GOFORIT. If you’re outside the US, dial the US country code, followed by the numbers: 1-847-470-0937 or 1-847-470-1114.

HOW TO LISTEN LIVE: You can tune in to Internet Radio from anywhere

and call using any kind of phone, including Skype. Use this link to

go to this show's page and listen live:  

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Seven Year Itch After Only Two Years

Dr. Love, 

I have a pretty serious problem, and am not really sure where to go with it. I've been married for 2 years, and not really sure I've done the right thing. I am feeling so unfulfilled (in general, but sexually also), but it's not because he doesn't try. He's actually a great guy, and a good husband. There's not much fighting, and certainly no abuse. I just all of a sudden feel like there are so many things I want to do - and can't.

I know marriage isn't all roses, but I don't know how much I am supposed to be feeling like this. I am considered attractive by others, and sometimes feel that I'd like to act on some of the opportunities that present themselves to me. I am driving myself nuts trying to figure this out. I feel really selfish, and I know that most people would offer ways for me to make the marriage better. I tend to not really want that kind of advice. Please help if you can. Any attempt would be greatly appreciated. I'm so confused and frustrated.

PS He knows nothing about my feeling this way.

Answer: 

Every married person, who is honest, has periods in which he or she feels restless, bored, and even dreams of taking a lover. Such feelings are not selfish or wrong. But, here's the catch...Acting on the opportunities that present themselves to you is the wrong way to go. Especially if you want to keep the marriage. It sounds like you don't want to explore what is missing in your marriage. Likewise, you don't seem interested in finding out how you could bring more excitement and variety into your relationship. I have the impression that you are gearing up to cheat on your mate, and this is why I think you feel guilty and selfish. I am not saying that you should deny your desires. But, I am saying that it would not be proper for you to act on your desires. You must honor your feelings and at the same time behave honorably toward your mate. How can this be done. You have to stop hiding your feelings from him. Come clean and work on this relationship or get out. Staying in the relationship and cheating behind his back is not a decent thing to do to him, and sooner or later, you will feel awful about yourself for doing it. When you say that you don't want to hear advice on how to mend the marriage, I think you are saying that you would rather gratify your desires to explore outside the marriage, which you see as pure fun, instead of face the issues in the marriage, which is pure work. Realize that going after the pure fun will cause you more pain and work down the road than simply facing the music and working things out with your hubby. At this point you must decide whether you see enough positives in your husband and your marriage to warrant your doing the work necessary to bring the relationship back to life. If you can't find enough reason to want to work for this relationship, then have the decency to be honest with your husband and leave the relationship with him before seeing other men.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Fridays' Love Quote

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” 

― Joan Crawford

Join Me Today at 1pm (EST)

Are you in a relationship that feels like hell on earth?

You’re not alone.

Millions of people, gay and straight, married and living together find themselves trapped in relationships that are sheer misery.

But, despite the pain, we just can’t bring ourselves to leave.

We may say that we’re staying because of the kids.

Or maybe because we don’t want to be alone--the devil you know is always better than the devil you don’t know!

Beyond all these reasons, hope springs eternal. We fell in love way back when, and somewhere deep down in our hearts we still hope to return to the good old days and rekindle the love that we felt in the beginning when our hearts were young and our love was new.

When something tells you not to give up, it’s important to listen. Some part of you may be telling you there is still reason to hope!

This week, I’ll be introducing you to Larry Bilotta who lived 27 years in a marriage made in hell; but in the 28th year he fell in love with his wife! Now, he’s on the verge of celebrating his 40th wedding anniversary with his wife Marsha.

So don’t give up hope. Tune in to find out how you can rekindle that spark, even if you think the spark plug is dead.

Please Join Me Today at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio

If you have missed any shows, they are available on demand at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love 

Desperately in Love

Dear Dr. Love,

I am 20 years old, and I am a college student in Boston but I am from Ecuador (south-America). I met a girl here who is from Spain and she is 19. We met and we were friends at first but after that we fell in love and we have been together for 2 months. I love her, she loves me but the problem is she is going back to Spain this 20th of december and not coming back again.

I am dying, I am desperate, my life is so miserable just thinking about when she leaves. I want to go visit her in Spain but don't know if it is going to be a good idea. I have never been so in love with somebody, she is the right one for me, I know it but don't know if I should keep trying to be together with her after she leaves. I am going back home to Ecuador this 20th also but coming back in january but she won't be here with me anymore.

Sometimes I want to die, please give me advice, I think you are the only one that can help me. Thank you.

Desperately in Love

Answer: 

The level of love that you feel for your girlfriend is rare and so beautiful. Since you say that she is the right person for you, I am surprised to hear you hesitating about whether or not to keep the relationship going. What is the hesitation about? If you are sure of your love, why would there be any doubt?

Could it be that you are unsure about her level of devotion? That is, do you sense that your girlfriend doesn't want to maintain the relationship? Are you reading her leaving the Country as a sign of a lack of commitment on her part? If you are unsure about her feelings, you need to ask her to be direct with you in terms of whether or not she wishes to have an ongoing relationship. If it turns out that you both share the same level of caring, then, by all means, move heaven and earth to stay together. And, at the same time, if you must remain separated by a great distance, remind yourselves that the separation is only temporary. Make sure to arrange to rejoin each other as soon as possible.

If, God forbid, it turns out that she doesn't have the level of maturity or patience to maintain a long distance relationship, I can only say she is a fool to give up the kind of love that you offer. I know that if she decides to cut off the relationship that this will break your heart. Promise me that, no matter how heartbroken you feel, that you will not actually take your life. I want your promise that you will go on living and not deprive us all of such a loving heart.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)