Why My Head and Heart Do Not Match

Dear Dr. Love,

I briefly became involved with a married man. Before we were involved, he told me that he was leaving his (pregnant) wife. He also pursued me like there was no tomorrow.

I became convinced, finally, that it was safe to proceed. But soon, I noticed some confusing messages from him about leaving his marriage, and as a result, I ended our relationship immediately.

While I know I did the right thing to take care of myself, why does it feel so bad? It's like I have an argument going on inside my head all the time about this.

And, unbelievably, he feels that I used him and I even feel guilty about that! Just curious why my head and heart do not match.

Thanks Doc.

Signed by: 

curious

Answer: 

If I understand your question, you are experiencing an internal conflict. Conflict arises when different parts of the self are at war with each other.

To help you understand what's going on, I'd like you to imagine your brain or psyche as a three-part puzzle. One part of your psyche is the emotional or id part. This part of the psyche is only interested in gratification, in satisfying urges and going after immediate gratification. This part of your psyche wanted to stay with this man and obtain pleasure through the connection.

The second part of your psyche is your superego or conscience. This part of your brain is berating you with guilt over your having dropped him. The third part of your psyche is your ego or rational self. Your decision to break up with this man was an ego driven decision and based upon a clear decision to take care of yourself and do what's best for you. Just so you know, all decisions should come from the ego, as opposed to the id or superego.

So, pat yourself on the back for having made a healthy choice for yourself. Also, realize that no matter how healthy your choice is this by no means cancels out the thoughts and feelings that emanate from the other parts of your psyche. Your id screams, 'what about me?' and your superego shouts, 'you were wrong to drop him. '

Accepting the fact that we humans are not of one 'mind' and knowing that the various parts of ourselves rarely line up should be a comfort to you. Accept your torn feelings. They are normal.

There is one thing that does concern me, however and that is how harsh your conscience seems to be. It's one thing for the selfish id to throw a tantrum when it isn't gratified--that 's to be expected--but it's quite another thing to berate yourself.

You would be wise to figure out why your conscience is so harsh. Yes, I know that this man is laying a guilt trip on you, but he can't send you on any trip unless you're willing to pack your own bags and go along for the ride.

So, find out why you're so hard on yourself. Was your mom or dad hard on you? Were they hard on themselves and did you incorporate their own traits? Is your self-attack the result of misdirected anger?

Understanding where your self-attack comes from is the first step to softening this overly harsh part of your psyche.

Dr. Jamie Turmdorf (aka Dr. Love)