Worried Wife

Dr. Love,

I recently caught my husband outrageously flirting with different women in a chat room. It really bothered me because he never flirts with me anymore. He says I have no reason to worry, that he is not doing anything wrong. However, I am still troubled by it. Do you feel I have reason to worry or should I just put it in the past and forget it?

Worried Wife

Answer: 

Why is it that we women try to talk ourselves out of what we feel and what we know? If you feel worried, then you need to respect your feelings. And, just because your husband wants to dismiss your feelings doesn't mean that you have to follow his lead.

When he says that he isn't doing anything wrong, he is missing the point. He is in a relationship with you, and, if you feel upset by his behavior, then he needs to realize: If an action is wrong for you, then it's wrong for the relationship, and ultimately wrong for him. . . that is if he wants to keep this relationship.

So, I would approach him again. When he tries to discount your feelings, I would tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to consider how you feel. The bottom line here is this: you feel that your intimacy needs aren't being met (he never flirts with you any more). Moreover, his behavior is an act of hostility. He is flirting with other women under your nose. This is f. u. behavior and if he doesn't know it, then, maybe it's time he found out.

So, I would ask him: Do you want a relationship with me? If he says he does, then I would inform him that, if he wants a relationship with you, he must be responsive to your feelings. I would also ask him, 'What are you telling me when you flirt with other women in the chat room?' If he says, 'I'm not telling you anything. ' Don't buy that answer. I would say, 'Behavior always communicates thoughts and feelings. What thoughts and feelings are you conveying to me?' Ask him how he wants you to feel about his behavior. What does he want you to think. And, how does he want you to interpret his behavior. Ask him how he would feel if you behaved this way.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)