“What Rats Can Teach Us about Making New Year’s Resolutions that Stick”

Please join me tomorrow Tuesday, December 31st, 1pm EST on Talk Zone Radio

Every year, millions of people across the globe make New Year’s

resolutions to improve their career, health, fitness, weight loss or

finances. Sadly, our resolutions fail not because we have no discipline

but because humans are creatures of habit. Our brains are wired to

maintain the status quo.

In addition, humans have the bad habit of repeating behaviors that

don’t yield the results we want. If you consider the analogy of a rat

trapped in a maze, each time the rat hits a dead-end, he backs up and

goes another way. Humans keep banging their ends on the wall. If we

all patterned ourselves after rats, and systematically backed up and

tried a different path, we would be amazed at the transformation that

would occur in our lives.

In this show, I focus on 8 proven steps for setting yourself free of

habitual behavior patterns that keep you stuck and prevent you from

achieving your resolutions.

We’ll be talking about resolutions in general--why they fail for most

people and how to make them stick--and, then I’m going to show you

how to create your very own relationship resolution so that this year you

can crank your love life into high gear.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Totally Lost

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been going out this my boyfriend for over a year and a half. I do love him with all of my heart. I am in my second year of college. I moved away from him to I could attend the college that I have always wanted to. But since I have moved away, I have found someone else that I also want to be with.

The long distance relationship is really taking it's toll on me and I don't know what to do about this situation. My boyfriend knows that I am friends with this other guy but he doesn't know that I want to be with him. I have only been in two relationships and I feel that I need to have some more experiences before I decide to get married. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend that I need sometime to figure things out and decide what would be best for me. Can you help me at all?

Totally Lost

Answer: 

You asked me to help you find the right words to tell your boyfriend that you need some time. But, in your letter to me, you expressed your wish for some breathing room so beautifully that it I don't think that you need help on 'how to tell 'your boyfriend about your need for space.

I think that your perceived 'block 'for the right words covers a deeper conflict: I don't think you're 100% sure that you want to tell your boyfriend that you need time out. What might be holding you back? Are you are afraid to hurt him? Are you afraid that your boyfriend may be Mr. Right and that, if you discover that you are correct after having taken a time out, he may not be willing to take you back?

Try to put your finger on your emotional pulse and identify what the real conflict is. Once you do, it will be easier for you to move forward and make the right choice for you. Good luck.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love)

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Crazy Over Talk of the Ex.

Dear Dr. Love,

I have never been in love before I met Scott. I have only had flings with no feelings involved. We have been together for a year in November and we are currently living together. I know everything about his ex girlfriend.

The problem is he always brings up his ex jen. He was with her for three years and they ended thing on good terms. He calls her every now and then just to see how she is. I think thats great! She has her own man and she asks about me.

I just bothers me when we're out having fun and he brings her up. Like he will say ' Oh jen used to drive a car just like that ' . He means no harm, but he has said so many little things about her that it's driving me crazy. She pops in my head all the time.

Please help me find some kind of peace. Should I talk to a shrink? PLEASE HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Answer: 

When you say that you are crazy over talk about your boyfriend's ex. , I assume that beneath this distress is the feeling of insecurity. (Maybe he doesn't love me enough? Maybe he wants to return to her? And so on). The fact that you avoided emotional intimacy in your previous relationships and only had 'flings' makes me wonder if you are afraid to really give yourself to someone else for fear that he will abandon you. If I am correct, then your boyfriend's talk of his ex. would stir up all sorts of abandonment fears.

So, look into this question and see: if it fits with your history; and whether I have detected an Old Scar that needs healing. Now, once you are able to separate your issues from the equation, I think you will be able to see that this man you're with is a lovely person that never turns his back on old friends and lovers. And, the survivor in you has probably been drawn to him because you sensed that he would stick by ( as opposed to abandon) you.

Beware of personalizing his behavior and assuming that it is a reflection of his feelings (or lack of feeling for you). This man is being himself, and I think you are getting worked up because you are inserting your own history into the equation (someone abandoned you before and you are afraid it will happen again). So, do some self-exploration and you should feel less distressed.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)

In Love, I Think....

Dear Dr. Love:

I have been dating this guy Jeramy for only a short time, but we have known each other since we were very young. . . I recently lost my virginity to him, and I am very much so thinking twice about whether I should have. . . I care for him a lot.

He is now talking about getting married and having children. He wants to quit using protection while having sex because he wants to have kids. I don't know quite what to think of this. He is about 4 years older than me and he is graduated from High School. I am going to only be a senior in high school, and don't want the hassle of children until at least the time I graduate.

I would love to go further in our relationship, but I am not sure if he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I do love him very much. . . don't get me wrong, but I just don't know what to think. . . Please help me out. . . I'm very lost!!

Thanks, 

IN LOVE. . I THINK. . . .

Answer: 

When you say, 'I don't know what to think,' this doesn't sound like an accurate statement to me. In fact, it sounds like you are quite clear on what you do and don't want and what you do and don't think. It also sounds to me like you don't feel entitled to stand your ground and hold to your position. How come you need to present yourself as being confused? Like there is something wrong with your brain. Why not call this situation the way it is: Your boyfriend is trying to pressure you into doing what he wants and doesn't seem to respect your position.

This is your body and you are more than entitled to say that you don't want unprotected sex or children right now. It sounds like this guy is pushing you to go against your inner guidance. If he loves you, he should be listening to your needs. And, please don't fall into the trap that many females do: Surrendering your self to a man in order to keep his love. If he loves you, he will wait for kids. What's the big hurry?

And, likewise, if he loves and respects you, he will give you whatever assurances you need to comfortably engage in unprotected sex. For example, has he given you assurances that he is HIV negative? If not, how dare he ask you to risk your body? So, stick to your guns. Don't allow this man bully you into going against your convictions. You know exactly what to think.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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Join Me Today at 1pm EST on Blog Talk Radio

If the days ahead have you filled with dread, fear no more!

In this Ask Dr. Love radio show, I explain why millions of people end up broken rather than happy hearted during the holidays. The reason: we unconsciously return home hoping to finally heal our Old Scars and achieve our Happy Endings. When we don’t achieve our Happy Ending, our hearts are broken.

It is precisely by being conscious of your Old Scars that you can free yourself to not repeat the old behavior patterns that re-injure rather than heal you.

It is this same consciousness that will enable you to head-off and even heal longstanding family feuds. As you become the instrument that heals the feuds, you will finally achieve the Happy Ending that your heart has been craving.

Discover how to bring consciousness and reason into your holiday season, using effective and constructive communications that heal yourself and your family!

Tune in to hear my proven plan for turning your family hollerdays into truly joyous holidays and beyond!

This show features special guest Rick Tamlyn, Master Certified Coach and developer of The Bigger Game, a tool that inspires executives, leaders and everyday people to get out of their comfort zones and invent the life they want.

Blogtalkradio.com

Wishing you a very...

Merry Christmas! 

Feliz Navidad!

Joyeux Noel!

Nadolig Llawen!

Buone Feste Natalizie!

Froehliche Weihnachten und ein glueckliches Neues Jahr!

Feliz Natal!

Gledelig Jul !

Kala Christouyenna !

Happy Christmas!

Maligayang Pasko!

Selamat Hari Natal !

Wishing you a day filled with LOVE,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Mr. Unable to Date

Dear Dr. Love I hope I can get your opinion on this...

Every time I try to find someone to date, they think I'm really nice and want to continue the relationship but after just two or three dates they suddenly pour out all of their difficulties, complications and problems and I suddenly feel overwhelmed.

I feel pressured like I'm expected to be their savior!

For some strange reason, I still continue to date them but they sense the discomfort I have about this and they leave as suddenly as they had turned up - this really upsets me!!

Excuse my inexperience, but is this normal??

Am I expected to give when I'm not even sure if its just to use me?

I personally have been through a whole lot myself. Grew up in a family where my dad was never around and my mom did not offer much emotional support. When growing up I was constantly criticized although I did a lot better than most kids, was always compared to the better and made to feel bad about myself.

This made my self-esteem really drop to record lows - I'm 24 and I did not start dating until I was 21 because of this. My first date came about because someone thought I was 'cute' and pursued me. . . that lasted 10 days!!

 Mr. Unable to date

Answer: 

I understand what's happening with you.

The wounded person inside you identifies with the hurting person in others. Your level of identification causes the other person to feel understood by you. And, in no time, they are spilling their emotional guts to you.

In many ways, what's going on with you is not different from the rescue fantasy syndrome. All rescuers are actually wounded souls themselves. And, when a rescuer care takes to another wounded soul, his unconscious mind identifies with the person that he is caring for.

Through the process of unconscious identification, the rescuer hopes to heal the wounded person inside himself. This is what's going on inside you. You want to be healed and rescued from your pain.

So, your unconscious mind arranges to get your partner to talk about her pain and then you fall into the care taking mode. But, the process isn't working. You aren't feeling healed!

As you and all rescuers soon discover, hoping to receive healing by care taking others never works. This is because the caretaker soon feels used, angry and depleted. As you have learned the hard way, by constantly feeding and care taking other wounded souls, you don't fill the void or heal the wounds in yourself, you just feel emptier.

So, here's the deal. In order for you to break free of this pattern. You need to own your own wounds and work through the feelings attached to them. Then, you won't need to try to fix your wounds through others and will be able to form a relationship that isn't based on an unconscious hidden agenda.

So, become acutely aware of your tendency to rescue and care take. Watch yourself like a hawk and resist the temptation to go there. At the same time heal yourself.

All the best.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love )

How to Make Our Lives Mesh

Dear Dr. Love:

Hi, I'm very interested in this guy I know, I've had a crush on him for about a year. The problem is, we are both shy and although we are great together, our lives don't coincide very well. He has a strong christian background and is a stay at home type. I'm atheist and love to party. I don't know if we can make it work because we aren't together yet. Do you have advice on how I can get over any shyness, and maybe some advice on how to make our lives easier to mesh together? Thanks for your time.

Answer: 

 Can you make your lives mesh better, this is a complex issue. It appears that you and your boyfriend do not share similar values on several different topics (religion, leisure pursuits). I want you to know that research shows that couples who are the most homogamous (similar) in tastes and values are the most maritally satisfied, and if couples are too different in too many areas, great friction occurs. When couples are in conflict over differing values, the problem is complicated by the fact that negotiation is not possible where values are concerned.

For example, how can we ask a partner to negotiate on religious values? Values are the person, and asking a person to modify values that are central to him or herself is like asking the leopard to change its spots. It doesn't work and the leopard will fight like hell if you try. So, I think you need to honestly examine whether you two are right for each other. The examination can be a painful process, but it can save you years of unnecessary heartache, and a possible union that won't work.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Last day to download my book for free!

Today is the last day to download my book  Dr. Love's Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays  for FREE on Amazon!

Let me guide you to experience true bliss this holiday season and beyond!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Free On Amazon December 19th till December 21st!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Dr. Love's Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays

I have created an essential holiday survival guide for couples. Based upon my proven and critically acclaimed conflict resolution methods, I show how to steer clear of all the potholes that cause relationships to break down during the holidays. From added financial burdens, to handling the in-laws, to tackling disappointment and neglect, I reveal my secret method for navigating every relationship roadblock. Let me help you ring in the holidays instead of ring each others' throats...Let me guide you to experience true bliss this holiday season and beyond.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Join Me Today at 1pm EST on Blog Talk Radio

Have you ever wondered why your holidays feel more like World War III?

In this show, I’m going to discuss the real reason why holidays often become hollerdays. It is precisely the stresses of the holidays (extra chores and shopping, money worries, and time spent with families, etc.) that expose our relationship fault lines. Under this pressure our relationships rupture.

Discover how you can take advantage of this time of year to finally resolve the relationship problems that the holidays bring to a head.

Don’t give up. There is hope for a cease fire!

This week I will be joined by special guest Larry James, the NY Times Bestselling author, former Associate Producer of “Mars & Venus,” the nationally syndicated Radio show, and President of CelebrateLove.com.

Listen now to learn our proven tips for turning your "hollerdays" into truly joyous holidays and beyond!

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love)

About Larry James

Larry James is President of CelebrateLove.com. He has been a full-time professional speaker, author and relationship coach since 1987. His purpose is "Helping Others Help Themselves." His "Relationship Enrichment LoveShop" is adapted from his best selling books, How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship! and LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing! is presented nationally. His newest relationships book is titled Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers. Larry is also the author of, Ten Commitments of Networking: Creative Ways to Maximize Your Personal Connections.

Blog Talk Radio @ 1pm EST

I Give Up

Dear Dr. Love:

I just gotten engaged to my boyfriend and ever since we agreed to get married he has a habbit of seeing me for a few days then not for a few more. he says he does it because he's affraid to get into another serious relationship and that he does truley love me. I just can't help but to feel i put eveything into the relationship and get nothing out. I go to talk to him about this and I feel bad because he has a lot of things happening in his life that I want to be there for him not be add to the problems. What should I do?

From
I give up

Answer: 

You should give up. Why on earth would you want to marry a man that makes you feel that you give everything and get nothing back. You would be wise to understand where your tendency to fall into this pattern stems from. Does this recreate an experience from your formative years? As for this man. He obviously has mixed feelings about intimacy and commitment, and marrying him won't make this problem go away.

You are a sweet woman and very willing to put your needs aside to be there for him. But what about your needs? This man withdraws for long stretches, and the problem isn't going to go away by itself. What can you do? A couple of choices: You can ask him to start talking with you about his mixed feelings rather than acting them out. He needs to understand that when he goes into action (withdrawing for 3 days) he is damaging the relationship.

If he wants a relationship with you, he must talk about his fears whenever they arise, not act. Every time he feels nervous, he is to stay in contact (not pull away). If he can do this, you have a man that 's workable and a relationship that has promise. If he can't control his behavior and must withdraw, you are in for big-time misery with this man. And, you really need to ask yourself if you want to marry a man that will be abandoning you like this. Another option is to mirror his doubts and tell him that you aren't ready to get engaged. This technique will probably bring him closer, but it won't actually heal his underlying fears and issues.

No matter which approach you choose, I wouldn't be marrying so fast. You need to find out whether this man is actually capable of a relationship before commiting yourself for the long haul. My best wishes to you. You are lovely, generous woman who deserves to receive back as much love as she gives.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Helplessly in Love with a Co-Worker

Dear Dr. Love,

I am a 25 year old single female (now 5 months free from a relationship) and have been utterly IN LOVE with a male co-worker of mine for almost a year. We are both teachers. We are both single and 1 year apart. I tried to forget about him over the summer but it didn't work. All I ever think about is him. Everything about us seem to match up perfectly except for the fact that he has no idea of my feelings for him and I could never come out and admit them; most of the time when we speak we look away from each other and I start to babble or stutter or fall or something just as clumsy.

All of our other co-workers and even students have said that we would make the 'perfect' couple. I don't know what to do. Could my dream to be with him ever become a reality? . Please Help me.

Signed, 

Helplessly in love with a co-worker

Answer: 

I am wondering why you tried to forget about this man who sounds just right for you. Were you afraid that he would never like you, and, so, you tried to convince yourself to forget him. Your confidence doesn't seem as a high as it deserves to be. You don't seem to realize how attractive and desirable you are. How do I know? It's pretty obvious to that your dream lover likes you too. (You said that he looks away from you when you talk with each other. You are so caught up with your own feelings that you didn't realize that he has a crush on you. In fact, he is shy like you are and afraid to be turned down by you! He hides his face because he is afraid that you will read his attraction for you and reject him!)

So, what we have are two shy people who are terrified to be rejected. I know you said that you could never admit your interest. Why not? What's the worst that could happen? That he would tell you that he just wants to be friends (I highly doubt it. ) But, even if he did say that he wasn't interested in more, you won't die, I promise you that. You might feel embarrassed, but you won't die. 

You might also try solo rehearsals. Imagine yourself telling him that you are interested in deepening the relationship and imagine him refusing. If you practice in this way, the feeling of terror should weaken after several 'Dr. runs. ' Then, you should be more able to take a chance. Remember, the sayings: 'The only people who fail are those who don't try. . . And, nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

If after all the above steps, you still feel too afraid to face him, you could send him a note telling him how you feel. Promise me that you will do something. 

Dr. Jamie Turdorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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IRATE

Dear Dr. Love,

I am irate! My live in boyfriend of 14 months gets 4 weeks a year vacation, I only get one. He has talked for months about taking me to a small town in Florida. So, we plan this vacation. I get the time off and now, he can’t seem to get off from his job! I am stuck with no where to go and nothing to do for 9 days! He mentioned taking off to this same little town by himself when he gets his ‘vacation time’.

How do I let him know that this is not acceptable for me with out blowing up? I am so mad that I could chew a nail in half at the fact that he agreed for me to take THIS week off and he would too. I feel cheated and left out! What is in the mind of someone who can think like this?

Thank You.

Answer: 

I can see why you are furious. This guy has really pushed your buttons. In fact, your guy sounds passive aggressive to me, that is, he gets his rocks off by withholding what you want. And, you are so correct, blasting him with raw rage will do no good.

You have several options for how to discuss your angry feelings:

For Defensive Types

If you’re dealing with someone who turns the tables and throws things back in your face, option one won’t work because they will tell you that you’re crazy to feel as you do, or they will tell you that they aren’t responsible for how you feel. So, when dealing with this type of person, it is more effective to simply make an observation about what they said or did. For example,’That was a very hurtful (or hostile) statement or action.’ Simply call it the way it is, and there’s no room to argue with facts.

 The Question to Build Insight

For people who don’t think enough about how others feel or how their behavior lands with others, you can ask a question that will help the person become more thoughtful and considerate. The question you can ask is: Should I be feeling offended (or hurt, or angry, or whatever you are feeling) when X is said or done to me? This technique is not to be used with someone that will throw it back in your face. Only use this technique with someone that is really clueless about how he or she comes off and who would be receptive to knowing.

Our goal should be to help him own just how angry he is instead of getting his rocks off through withholding, angry behavior.

To help him realize how how hostile his behavior is, and to get him to talk about his feelings, you might say,’How do you want me to feel about your not joining me on vacation?’

He will likely say,’I don’t know.’

You could say,’Can you guess how I feel about this?’

He might say,’Pissed?’

Then you say,’Why would you want to make me angry at you. Are you angry with me?’

He will probably deny that he’s angry.

Then, I would tell him that angry behavior stems from angry feelings, and even though he isn’t aware of it, he is angry inside.

After all this, let’s see if he finally owns his feelings.

If he does, you have a workable boyfriend and a chance at making this relationship succeed. Then, encourage him to commit to talking when he’s angry, not acting.

If he refuses to own his anger, then you will need to deal with the fact that you have an unresponsive partner who is getting sadistic pleasure by withholding what you want. If he isn’t willing to own this pattern and work on changing it, you will be in for lots of missed vacations as well as heartache.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr.Love)

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Afraid to Ask Her Out

Hello Dr. Love,

I am a 16 year old male, and I have had my eye on this beautiful, charming girl (or should I say young woman) for a long time. I have been debating whether or not I should ask her out. I always tell myself to wait and see if she shows anything to even hint that she likes me, and thee are many things she does that could be signs that she does. I just am really shy, and I do not think that I am good enough for her. I need advice on what I should do. 

Thanks

Answer: 

You sound absolutely adorable. Your problem isn't that you are shy (many people are) it's that your self-esteem isn't where it should be (I don't think I'm good enough for her). How come you don't you know how great you are? Just from reading your question, I saw special qualities in you--honesty, openness, ability to care. You need to work on improving your self-image (go to my website

and type in the search words: shy, self-esteem and scared to make the first move).

 Begin a conversation by asking her questions about herself (who doesn't like talking about him or herself), show that you are interested in what is interesting to her. . . in short, be a friend. The best love affairs and happiest marriages are founded on solid friendships. Even though you feel unworthy of her, and afraid of rejection, how much worse will you feel if you don't take a chance? Keep in mind that if you ease in through the friendship door, you will be protecting yourself from humiliation.

Lead with positive statements about her start a friendship. What's the worst that can happen? She'll say she doesn't want to be your friend. Not likely. The girl would have to be nuts to turn away a man that is demonstrates such interest and devotion. After you become friends, then you can discuss your feelings about wanting more from the relationship. All you need is the nerve to override your fears. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aks Dr. Love)

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Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love’s 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship!

It’s Dr. Love here with exciting news!

Even if you’re locked in battle and have been for years, your relationship can change. My new book can help! Beginning with simple Cool-Down steps, you’ll learn why husband withdrawal occurs and then how to use Climate Control strategies to reset the relationship. Women will discover the real reason why men never seem to listen—it’s nothing personal—and the secret trick that actually makes them want to listen and stick around to settle disputes.

My latest book Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love’s 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship is available for pre-order on Amazon. As my thank you gift to you for pre-ordering in the next week: I’ll send you my free thank you gift: Dr. Love’s 7 Secrets to Lasting Love.

Wishing you a wonderful and PEACEFUL holiday season!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Why Women Love Bad Boys with guest author Victoria M. Howard

Are you suffering from a bad case of Bad Boy Blues?

Well, if you find yourself attracted to guys who come from the wrong side of the tracks, you may be addicted to bad boys!

So, tune in to this week's show

and receive a much needed dose of Bad Boy therapy!

This week I’ll be talking with Victoria M. Howard, bestselling author of Why Women Love Bad Boys, about why women fall for bad boys, how to recognize the 10 main types of bad boys including commitment phobes, narcissists, cheaters, emotional abusers and 6 more varieties; and, most importantly, how to break your bondage to a bad boy. And, no, I’m not talking about S&M, although a guy who’s heavily into S&M could be yet another bad boy!

Find out why even beautiful and intelligent women fall for the type of men their mothers warned them about...

And why both America's sweetheart Sandra Bullock married rebel Jesse James and multi-talented Whitney Houston fell under the spell of Bad Boy Bobby Brown.

Join me Thursday on Blog Talk Radio  for what I am sure will be a good discussion on how to free yourself from bad boys!

Dr.Jamie Turndorf ( ask Dr. Love)

Man that Cheated and Wants His Wife Back

Dr. Love,

I have recently cheated on my wife and the guilt built up so much that I couldn't take it any more so I confessed to my wife. She was hurt real bad and I hurt just as bad for doing this to her, but now I  need to know how do I start the healing process and get the love we had back. It all started with this computer, we started spending all our time on it and not having any family time. I was married but feeling lonely, so the one night stand happened and I couldn't live with it anymore. But now how do I save this marriage?

Thanks from an Airborne Ranger US Army

Answer: 

I commend you for your honesty and think your wife is lucky to have a husband that wants to work on saving the marriage. The best way to begin the healing process is to talk with each other. Allow your wife to share all her feelings with you, positive and negative. Listen and reflect back what you have heard, to show that you have understood. Never, under any circumstances, fall prey to the temptation to justify or defend yourself, just listen and understand.

After the venom has been drained-off, then both of you need to begin honest discussions about what went wrong in the marriage. These discussions shouldn't be a blame game (you did this to me, well you did that to me). In order for these talks to be productive, you both need to engage in honest self-examination and figure out how each of you contributed to the erosion of the marriage.

For example, you spent too much time on the computer, became disconnected from her and had an affair. But, what wasn't working for you in the relationship? What caused you to bury yourself in the computer in the first place? The key here is not to sound like you are pointing fingers at the other. (Well, I wouldn't have buried my face in the computer if you hadn't done x, y, or z. )

I hope you get my point. After you both have come up with honest answers about what was missing in the relationship, then work on correcting these issues and problems. My best wishes to you. If you need further help in healing the relationship, please let me know. You are a wonderful man and an inspiration for all the men out there who have slipped and want to come back.

Woman Who is Being Dangled By a String

Dear Dr.Love,

I have been dating someone for the last five months. Lately it seems that he doesn't care about my needs or my feelings. He will go days without calling me or returning my calls. Also he refuses to make plans until the last minute, I am lucky if he calls in the morning to ask to do something that evening. I really like this guy and don't know what to do. Help.

Answer: 

You are being dangled like a puppet on a string. This man is abusing you. He treats you like utter garbage and you still like him! Why do you want someone who treats you so poorly? Before you do anything else, you must do some soul-searching and figure out why you are so attached to such a dick-head.

Don't think you're alone. Many women are drawn to men that don't treat them well. When we can't let go of (or are obsessed with) someone that mistreats us this means: we are recreating a wound of the past in an attempt to heal it (also read my answer to question entitled 'Obsessed'). In a vain attempt to heal, our unconscious minds chose a person who is similar to whoever hurt us when we were young; next, our minds hope that we can achieve the happy ending for the old wound (this time I won't be treated like garbage. I will be treated special). Only, since we have chosen a person who is like whoever hurt us as kids, we never receive the happy ending, we just bang our emotional heads against the wall and experience wound after wound.

So, I suggest you figure out what past wound is being recreated in this relationship; next, figure out what type of treatment you wanted as a kid, and what you want now; then, I would make these needs known in the form of limit-setting (no whining, begging, pleading or complaining). By setting limits on this man you fight for your happy ending to childhood--and current-- mistreatment. To set a healing limit for yourself, you might say, 'I expect you to return my calls and give me notice when you ask me out. Can you do this?' If he says he will, you need to say, 'And, how should I respond if you don't keep your word?' If, on the contrary, he say that he can't or won't respond to your request, then it's up to you to decide if you wish to continue being abused like this. If he says he will change and doesn't, then, again, you must decide how much you wish to keep replaying the abandonment wound.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)


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Unsure

Dear Dr Love,

I recently ended an eight year relationship about six months ago. We lived together for six. It ended when he cheated on me. I've been seeing this new guy and I feel I'm really ready for a committed relationship with him. However, many of my friends think that it is too soon for me too move into a new romance. What do you think?

Unsure

Answer: 

Since you say that you are really ready for a serious relationship, then why are you feeling unsure? How come you feel the need to allow others to dictate to you on your actions? Others aren't living in your skin, so how can they presume to tell you how to live?

There are no rules about how soon is too soon to start over. All that matters is that you are listening to your heart and making good decisions for yourself--not for your friends--for yourself.

Is it possible that you are hiding behind your friends' doubts? That is, do you have doubts of your own that you are afraid to admit to yourself? Are your friends merely voicing your own secret doubts? Are you afraid that this man will cheat on you like the last one did? Examine this question, and if you find that you still feel clear and ready, then follow your heart.

If you decide to become more serious with this man, I wish you every happiness.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love )

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Doubting

Dear Dr. Love,

My boyfriend and I live together and have for the past 8 mo. I love him and he loves me, although I feel a lot of the support, understanding, caring, involvement is going all one way. . . from me to him.

I've been having some troubles of my own recently and he has made it clear that my well-being is not even near the top of his priority list, when he knows he's always been at the top of mine. . . . no doubt! I have tried confronting the problem and letting him know how I feel (I 'm a very straight and forward person when it comes to talking things out). He says he understands, but it hasn't been any better. . . . I just don't feel like we 're progressing towards anything anymore. . . . like I 'm just 'here '.

Honestly speaking, I feel as if he doesn't care. I don't know what to do anymore. . . . Can you please help!!!

Sincerely,
'Doubting'

Answer: 

You have every reason to doubt. This man is not treating you like his number one. And, what's worse, when you tell him about your feelings, he is unresponsive to you. My big question is this: Was he responsive to you early in the relationship? I have a feeling that he wasn't ever really responsive. And, from the sound of your letter, there has been an imbalance in this relationship for a long time. You've been the giver and he's been the receiver.

Are you interested to know why this imbalance is occurring? Many times we are drawn to partners that don't meet our needs because we were accustomed to not having our needs met by our parents. So, we will choose ungiving partners, like our parents, and hope that we can make them give to us what we never got the first time around. I don't know if this scenario fits for you or not.

One thing is certain, when we are attempting to heal unfinished business, it is extremely hard to break free of the relationship. You know the saying, hopes springs eternal, and because of this hope, we don't want to give up the fantasy that maybe today, he will change and begin to give. I understand the wish, but I 'm afraid that your life will be heartache if he keep trying to get blood from a stone. Only you can decide how long you are willing to bang your head against the wall with this guy. I hope for your sake that it's not forever. You deserve a partner that treat you like number one without your having to fight for it. 

May you have all the Love you desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love )

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Love at First Sight

Dr. Love,

I get attached way to easy. Please tell me why I do this. Even if a guy just smiles at me I start to fantasize about how a relationship would be with him, and then I start to get obsessed. And sometimes I get what I want, but I realize they are not what I fantasized about, and I break up with them and get depressed. Please can you tell my why I do this to myself?

Answer: 

When a person is starving for love, and falls head over heals in an instant, we know that unfinished business is afoot. 

In a nutshell, the unconscious mind tries to heals the wounds of childhood by: 1) choosing partners who are similar to the parent(s) that let us down; 2) recreating the painful scenes of the past; and 3) struggling for a happy ending to the wounds of childhood. So, for example, if a person was abandoned by her father as a child, that person will choose a lover that is an abandoner and she will try to win the abandoner's heart. The fantasy is that, if I can make the abandoner stick around and love me, then the hurt from my childhood will be healed (the happy ending).

All humans desperately crave to heal the wounds that remain from childhood. This craving for a healing of the past causes us to: fall in love too easily, fear being alone, or feel addicted to a relationship that doesn't work. These desperate, hungry feelings are actually signals from the unconscious alerting us to the fact that we have an old wound that needs repair.

Obsessive fantasizing may be another clue that the unconscious mind is trying to heal an old wound. Fantasy is the way that the unconscious mind expresses a deep wish. When you fantasize about the people you fall head over heals for, your unconscious mind is finding another way of telling you that it has a secret wish to heal an old wound.

After you get into a relationship, you wake up from the dream and find out that the person you fell for isn't who you thought he was. That is, this person is too much like the parent(s) that let you down (remember, with a repetition compulsion we choose partners that disappoint us like our parents did).

The way out is to: 1) get to know a person very well before becoming involved; 2) be aware of the craving to choose partners who are damaged in the exact same way your parent(s) were and know that you will never find your happy ending from carbon copies of your parent(s); 3) purposely choose partners who can give you your happy ending.

May you have all the Love you desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Doomed-to-be-Single

I am a man in my early twenties who is successful. I cherish the successful relationships I have with friends both at and outside of work. I have always been perceived by others as the 'guy who has it all'. Well, not quite.

I've had a string of unsuccessful relationships with women that has left me pondering the truth about 'lucky in career, unlucky in love'. I must admit, however, that I hold high expectations of people; I'm a go-doer and go-getter, and I expect people to put in the same effort as I do. That works out fine in the workplace, but not in relationships.

The general complaint I have received from women is that I am pushy, that I expect things to be done and problems to be fixed quickly. In turn, they feel 'inadequate' and under pressure to meet my standards, as they put it. Though I never criticize a loved one, I get frustrated by problems that occur repeatedly.

A lot of women I meet seem to have low self esteem. Who has the problem here? They like my confidence, but eventually they feel that we're just on two different levels and hence incompatible. I'm drawn to very feminine qualities. Is it practical to expect a feminine woman who is also confident? Should I act less confident in a relationship?

Sincerely,

doomed-to-be-single

Answer: 

Women are telling you that they feel pressured to meet your standards of perfection, and because of this, they end up feeling inadequate.

I want you to know that the women you date are not the only ones who feel pressured for perfection. I think you've got the bug as well.

I don't think you ever received a sense of true acceptance, and so you keep trying to be Mr. Perfect, hoping to finally feel loved. Listen to how you describe yourself. You sound perfect: handsome, high I.Q., well-read, wealthy... Do you really feel so perfect on the inside?

When somebody tries to convince himself and others how perfect he is, this operation often conceals a hidden sense of inadequacy.

What are you doing to make them feel inadequate? You are extending to them the same standards which I think were rammed down your throat by your parents. (These are the very same standards you continue to ram down your own throat.) And, when you lay these expectations on the women you date, low and behold they feel inadequate. You are coming across as impatient, intolerant, and needing to be right. No wonder they run.

Instead of memorizing behavioral tricks, which, I assure you won't solve the problem, I suggest that you become aware of the voice that drives you in your own head. Put a name on it. And, then talk to it by saying, 'Hi mom, hi dad...expecting me to be perfect again.'

To read more on this subject and my other relationship advice, visit www.askdrlove.com

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Join Me Tomorrow at 1pm on Blog Talk Radio

Are you struggling with menopause?

Or is someone you know and love (and sometimes hate!) struggling?

Join me this week for a fascinating discussion with Lynda Wyzda, author of Menopause in Crisis: The Summer I Lost My Mind.

In this week’s show, I will reveal the little known fact that menopause can expose pre-existing psychological fault lines. In fact, it is our unhealed Old Scars from childhood that exacerbate the physical and psychological symptoms associated with menopause.

 I’m going to show you how this suffering can be a springboard to healing oneself body, mind and soul.

In Lynda’s case, buried memories of childhood abuse came crashing to consciousness, causing all kinds of emotional and physical upheaval, including a racing heart, anxiety and panic…

After over four years of struggle, Lynda emerged from the ashes. Her journey back to health led to certifications in Transpersonal Studies/Spiritual Mentoring and Transpersonal Hypnosis, Yoga, and Reiki.

Tune in  at 1pm to find out the best mind/body practices for healing yourself or someone you love.

www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love

Too many problems. . .

Dear Dr. Love:

I am in a very sticky situation. . . I'm in love with a very insecure, jealous and suspicious man. We've been together for the better part of one year. 

When we got together, he found me 'too independent' and 'to much in control' of the relationship. So I removed 'the pants' and put on a nice, frilly apron-so to speak, and consequently live through the most horrific months in my life. I gave up my own apartment, to move into his tiny, stuffy room. I gave up my car, only to be told when and where I could use his. I gave up my job because there were too many guys asking me out there'  only to be picked on as not contributing to the relationship. He asked me to become more dependent, and then tortured me for doing it.

Now, I have moved back into my own place, I'm working again and saving up for my own car as well as secured transportation to and from work without having to beg to use his car (which he promised he'd give me for selling mine).

He'll call me names and 'break up' with me, only to call me two hours later 'hey baby, whatcha doin?'

I've become numb to his name calling and 'fake breaks (as I call them)' to a degree that it doesn't hurt, shock or surprise me any more.  He doesn't even trust me enough to let me go to the bathroom without saying 'whatcha doin, babe?'

 Now I need my space. I've taken it, and it's time to enforce those boundries. He doesn't like it, but when I say 'lump it' he talks suicide.  I know he needs professional help, but I'm not a professional.  How can I say tough, that's life' with tough love?  How can I get my self respect back, and find some for him?

Signed...

"Too many problems to know which one to write about..."

Answer: 

You sound like one tough survivor. You ask how can you say,'tough that's life', get your self-respect back and find some for him?

It sounds like you are on the road to regaining your self-respect ( saving for a car, and you found a new job and an apartment). So, pat yourself on the back for all your strength and courage. And, keep reminding yourself what a winner you are. Avoiding people that abuse you and repeating to yourself what is wonderful about you, will build your self-respect.

The fact that you find it hard to say,'tough' makes me wonder what part of your psyche doesn't want to give this guy up. It would be good for you to examine what 'hook' this guy has on you.

Whenever we become drawn into abusive relationships, there is an aspect of our early life that is being replayed. Were you abused as a child or did you see your mother or father being abused? In order for you to be comfortable with letting go and saying tough to this abusive guy, you need to understand what your unconscious mind was (is) hoping by staying with an abuser. As a kid, did you hope that an abuser would stop abusing and love you?

When you figure out what type of healing your mind is hoping for, it will be easier to accept that you can't obtain a happy ending from this man--he's too damaged. Realizing this, will help you to walk away and say tough without feeling such conflict and remorse. 

This guy didn't earn your respect and doesn't deserve it. I know it is painful to accept that you can't relive and rewrite history or change your parent(s) into respectable people.

But, keep this thought in mind. You are such a bright fantastic lady, there is a happy ending for you. There is a man out there for you who is ready to love and not abuse you...and this is the man you will be able to respect.

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Kiss Your Fights Good-bye

My new Hay House book Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps for Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Connection is now available for pre-order.

More about Kiss Your Fights Good-bye:

Heated fighting triggers a biochemical imbalance in men that causes them to flee from conflict. The technical name for this is the Demand/ Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle, also known as “husband withdrawal.” This is the number one cause of marital and relationship strife, divorce, and domestic violence. My techniques, are based on 30 years of research out of  the Center for Emotional Communication, transform conflict into connection for a lifetime of lasting love.

Even if you’re locked in battle and have been for years, your relationship can change. Beginning with simple Cool-Down steps, you’ll learn why husband withdrawal occurs and then how to use Climate Control strategies to reset the relationship. Women will discover the real reason why men never seem to listen—it’s nothing personal—and the secret trick that actually makes them want to listen and stick around to settle disputes.

My proven conflict-resolution method interrupts the cycle of fighting for the majority of couples, and can also be used to defuse disagreements among friends and family members.

Order in the next week, and you receive a FREE thank you gift: Dr. Love's 7 Secrets to Lasting Love.

After you have completed payment, make sure to email - preorder@askdrlove.com with your order number to receive your free gift!

Mr. Right Where Are You?

Dear Dr. Love

I just can't find Mr. Right. What can I do. I treat them like gold. I think I have a sticker on my forehead that says 'treat her like garbage, she 'll put up with it' I really want to find Mr. Right. I am sick of dating people to find Mr. Right. Maybe I should just give up and let him find me??

Answer: 

It is painful to keep fishing for Mr. Right and turning up duds. You said, 'I treat men like gold, they treat me like garbage because they know I'll take it.' Before you can turn up a good man, you need to figure out why this pattern is occurring.

After you find out where the pattern originated, next, make a big effort to observe yourself every time you allow someone to walk on you. Don't try to force yourself to stop the pattern, you aren't ready just yet. Simply observe yourself whenever you are being walked on and say to yourself. There I go again. Letting someone dump on me. Then, ask yourself, 'who am I acting like.'

In answer to your question, should you wait and let Mr. Right find you. Waiting will not solve the problem we discussed above. Unless you work out this doormat issue, squashers will always find you.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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The Secret Reason Why Menopause Makes Many Women Suffer With Guest Author Lynda Wyzda

Are you struggling with menopause?

Or is someone you know and love (and sometimes hate!) struggling?

Join me this week for a fascinating discussion with Lynda Wyzda, author of Menopause in Crisis: The Summer I Lost My Mind.

In this week’s show, I will reveal the little known fact that menopause can expose pre-existing psychological fault lines. In fact, it is our unhealed Old Scars from childhood that exacerbate the physical and psychological symptoms associated with menopause.

In this episode of Ask Dr. Love Radio, I’m going to show you how this suffering can be a springboard to healing oneself body, mind and soul.

In Lynda’s case, buried memories of childhood abuse came crashing to consciousness, causing all kinds of emotional and physical upheaval, including a racing heart, anxiety and panic…

After over four years of struggle, Lynda emerged from the ashes. Her journey back to health led to certifications in Transpersonal Studies/Spiritual Mentoring and Transpersonal Hypnosis, Yoga, and Reiki.

Tune in to find out the best mind/body practices for healing yourself or someone you love.

The Ask Dr. Love Radio Show Airs Tuesday, December 3rd, 1pm EST on Talk Zone Radio.