Crazy Over Talk of the Ex.

Dear Dr. Love,

I have never been in love before I met Scott. I have only had flings with no feelings involved. We have been together for a year in November and we are currently living together. I know everything about his ex girlfriend.

The problem is he always brings up his ex jen. He was with her for three years and they ended thing on good terms. He calls her every now and then just to see how she is. I think thats great! She has her own man and she asks about me.

I just bothers me when we're out having fun and he brings her up. Like he will say ' Oh jen used to drive a car just like that ' . He means no harm, but he has said so many little things about her that it's driving me crazy. She pops in my head all the time.

Please help me find some kind of peace. Should I talk to a shrink? PLEASE HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Answer: 

When you say that you are crazy over talk about your boyfriend's ex. , I assume that beneath this distress is the feeling of insecurity. (Maybe he doesn't love me enough? Maybe he wants to return to her? And so on). The fact that you avoided emotional intimacy in your previous relationships and only had 'flings' makes me wonder if you are afraid to really give yourself to someone else for fear that he will abandon you. If I am correct, then your boyfriend's talk of his ex. would stir up all sorts of abandonment fears.

So, look into this question and see: if it fits with your history; and whether I have detected an Old Scar that needs healing. Now, once you are able to separate your issues from the equation, I think you will be able to see that this man you're with is a lovely person that never turns his back on old friends and lovers. And, the survivor in you has probably been drawn to him because you sensed that he would stick by ( as opposed to abandon) you.

Beware of personalizing his behavior and assuming that it is a reflection of his feelings (or lack of feeling for you). This man is being himself, and I think you are getting worked up because you are inserting your own history into the equation (someone abandoned you before and you are afraid it will happen again). So, do some self-exploration and you should feel less distressed.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)