Woman Who is Being Dangled By a String

Dear Dr.Love,

I have been dating someone for the last five months. Lately it seems that he doesn't care about my needs or my feelings. He will go days without calling me or returning my calls. Also he refuses to make plans until the last minute, I am lucky if he calls in the morning to ask to do something that evening. I really like this guy and don't know what to do. Help.

Answer: 

You are being dangled like a puppet on a string. This man is abusing you. He treats you like utter garbage and you still like him! Why do you want someone who treats you so poorly? Before you do anything else, you must do some soul-searching and figure out why you are so attached to such a dick-head.

Don't think you're alone. Many women are drawn to men that don't treat them well. When we can't let go of (or are obsessed with) someone that mistreats us this means: we are recreating a wound of the past in an attempt to heal it (also read my answer to question entitled 'Obsessed'). In a vain attempt to heal, our unconscious minds chose a person who is similar to whoever hurt us when we were young; next, our minds hope that we can achieve the happy ending for the old wound (this time I won't be treated like garbage. I will be treated special). Only, since we have chosen a person who is like whoever hurt us as kids, we never receive the happy ending, we just bang our emotional heads against the wall and experience wound after wound.

So, I suggest you figure out what past wound is being recreated in this relationship; next, figure out what type of treatment you wanted as a kid, and what you want now; then, I would make these needs known in the form of limit-setting (no whining, begging, pleading or complaining). By setting limits on this man you fight for your happy ending to childhood--and current-- mistreatment. To set a healing limit for yourself, you might say, 'I expect you to return my calls and give me notice when you ask me out. Can you do this?' If he says he will, you need to say, 'And, how should I respond if you don't keep your word?' If, on the contrary, he say that he can't or won't respond to your request, then it's up to you to decide if you wish to continue being abused like this. If he says he will change and doesn't, then, again, you must decide how much you wish to keep replaying the abandonment wound.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)


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