Worried Wife

Dr. Love,

I recently caught my husband outrageously flirting with different women in a chat room. It really bothered me because he never flirts with me anymore. He says I have no reason to worry, that he is not doing anything wrong. However, I am still troubled by it. Do you feel I have reason to worry or should I just put it in the past and forget it?

Worried Wife

Answer: 

Why is it that we women try to talk ourselves out of what we feel and what we know? If you feel worried, then you need to respect your feelings. And, just because your husband wants to dismiss your feelings doesn't mean that you have to follow his lead.

When he says that he isn't doing anything wrong, he is missing the point. He is in a relationship with you, and, if you feel upset by his behavior, then he needs to realize: If an action is wrong for you, then it's wrong for the relationship, and ultimately wrong for him. . . that is if he wants to keep this relationship.

So, I would approach him again. When he tries to discount your feelings, I would tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to consider how you feel. The bottom line here is this: you feel that your intimacy needs aren't being met (he never flirts with you any more). Moreover, his behavior is an act of hostility. He is flirting with other women under your nose. This is f. u. behavior and if he doesn't know it, then, maybe it's time he found out.

So, I would ask him: Do you want a relationship with me? If he says he does, then I would inform him that, if he wants a relationship with you, he must be responsive to your feelings. I would also ask him, 'What are you telling me when you flirt with other women in the chat room?' If he says, 'I'm not telling you anything. ' Don't buy that answer. I would say, 'Behavior always communicates thoughts and feelings. What thoughts and feelings are you conveying to me?' Ask him how he wants you to feel about his behavior. What does he want you to think. And, how does he want you to interpret his behavior. Ask him how he would feel if you behaved this way.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Unhappy Hooker

Lately my boyfriend has been into a kinky game. He wants me to dress up like a hooker and pretend that he is one of my clients. This offends me to no end, but he won't stop.

 Please help, Dr. Love.

Answer: 

You both are experiencing a value conflict. He is turned on by the thought of your playing his hooker, meanwhile you find the prospect of doing so offensive. His sexual values aren't any more right than are yours. The problem is that your values clash.

If you give in to him, you will feel offended, and if he tries to deny his desire to role play with you, then he will be annihilating an important part of himself. The problem with value conflicts is that there is no real way to compromise. That would be like asking someone to be a 'little 'Catholic. When couples experience a value clash, all they can do is respect their differences and come up with a plan of attack that embraces both partners 'values.

I have the sense that we are dealing with more than a simple value conflict here. I think that his request has hurt your feelings and made you think that he isn't satisfied with you as a sexual partner. The fact that he isn't being responsive to your feelings, just adds to your feeling unimportant to him. I wonder if you feel sure of his love and commitment to you? If not, then this hooker game may actually be triggering deeper feelings of insecurity about him and the relationship. I think that he may not be communicating how much he cares for you and wants you and only you. If he were able to give you the 'right 'feeling, then I wouldn't be surprised to find that you would feel differently about this game.

Try to work on his learning how to communicate his warm and loving feelings, and make sure to address and resolve all the issues in your relationship that leave you feeling insecure about him. When you feel stronger about him and the relationship, you may find that you feel less threatened or offended by playing the game. I think that you might also feel less offended by his request if you were able to understand what might be motivating his behavior.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)