Worried Wife

Dr. Love,

I recently caught my husband outrageously flirting with different women in a chat room. It really bothered me because he never flirts with me anymore. He says I have no reason to worry, that he is not doing anything wrong. However, I am still troubled by it. Do you feel I have reason to worry or should I just put it in the past and forget it?

Worried Wife

Answer: 

Why is it that we women try to talk ourselves out of what we feel and what we know? If you feel worried, then you need to respect your feelings. And, just because your husband wants to dismiss your feelings doesn't mean that you have to follow his lead.

When he says that he isn't doing anything wrong, he is missing the point. He is in a relationship with you, and, if you feel upset by his behavior, then he needs to realize: If an action is wrong for you, then it's wrong for the relationship, and ultimately wrong for him. . . that is if he wants to keep this relationship.

So, I would approach him again. When he tries to discount your feelings, I would tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to consider how you feel. The bottom line here is this: you feel that your intimacy needs aren't being met (he never flirts with you any more). Moreover, his behavior is an act of hostility. He is flirting with other women under your nose. This is f. u. behavior and if he doesn't know it, then, maybe it's time he found out.

So, I would ask him: Do you want a relationship with me? If he says he does, then I would inform him that, if he wants a relationship with you, he must be responsive to your feelings. I would also ask him, 'What are you telling me when you flirt with other women in the chat room?' If he says, 'I'm not telling you anything. ' Don't buy that answer. I would say, 'Behavior always communicates thoughts and feelings. What thoughts and feelings are you conveying to me?' Ask him how he wants you to feel about his behavior. What does he want you to think. And, how does he want you to interpret his behavior. Ask him how he would feel if you behaved this way.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Not Sure How To Read A Shy Guy...

Hello Dr. Love,

I truly need your advice! There is a very attractive boy in my Poetry class, I recognized him the first day from a party I was at. Where he (according to my friends) was looking at me, but made a strange comment referring to my clothes... I'm not exactly sure what he said, but I do know it wasn't a nice comment. So, first day of class he sat beside me and I could see him looking at me like he recognized me. Second class, he sat as far away from me as he possibly could. For at least 2 weeks he sat away from me but, he would look at me.. My friends started to notice this, that's how much he looked! Anyways, I made it late to class and he was sitting in my seat, so I took the seat beside him. Awkward silence until I introduced myself, he was very nice shook my hand and told me his name. He seemed alittle nervous, but he smiled alot. I thought things went well, next class rolled around. And he sat on the other side of the room again! On break I left to use the washroom, and I ran into him. He just looked at me, didn't smile, didn't say anything, just walked away... :( Finally, my latest class proved to be very interesting. I was there early, and he sat beside me when there were other seats open. On break, I got up to go talk to my friends on the other side of the room, and he was looking at me again. Then the end of class I said I liked his t-shirt and he seemed impressed that I knew the band on his shirt. It looked like he started to blush he went alittle red in the cheeks, then he started to walk away awkwardly. The whole thing just seemed strange yet good.

Signed by: 

Confused :(

Answer: 

Yeah the dude likes you all right. Here’s another instance where partial identification skills come in handy. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how terrified the poor guy is. He likes you and doesn’t have a clue as to how to go about winning you. He's probably also nursing a big case of fear of rejection, as well!

He needs a helping hand from you.

You’re going to need to make the first move. He needs to be hit over the head with a love hammer in order to know, without a doubt, that you like him.

Give him lots of what I call Green Lights, which include: approachable body language, smiling, facing him, asking interested questions, and saying positive things to him.

If that doesn’t move the mountain, then we’ll have to get a stick of dynamite!

He should be able to move forward if you offer him the training wheels I outlined.

Dr Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr.Love)

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Kiss Your Fights Good-bye - Free First Chapter

Exciting news...

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My new Hay House book Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps for Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship is now available.

Heated fighting triggers a biochemical imbalance in men that causes them to flee from conflict. The technical name for this is the Demand/ Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle, also known as “husband withdrawal.” This is the number one cause of marital and relationship strife, divorce, and domestic violence. 

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True but Sad

Dr. Love,

I was engaged to my girlfriend of two years. People might have thought she was more attached than I was possibly. Not the case however. She ended up leaving me. We have been away from each other for at least 4-5 months. Since then I met a very nice girl which I have been dating for about 1 1/2 months.

I am now finding that I miss my ex dearly, so I broke it off with my current. My ex lives down the street, yet we haven’t even seen each other out. Things ended harshly. We have only a few friends in common, I haven’t said a word about how I still remorse. I need minor advice on how to open the lines of communication, just as friends, to make myself feel better. How would I go about opening communication?

Sad but true

Answer: 

The best way to open lines of communication is to open them. You know where she lives. You know her address. You know her phone number. Choose the mode of communication that suits you best and start talking. Tell her exactly what you told me. That you regret having broken up. That you miss her dearly. That you broke off with the woman you were dating because you can’t see yourself with anyone but her. If this sounds too mushy and you prefer to reestablish a friendship, then, tell her that you miss her friendship and want to be in touch with her again. You could also tell her that you aren’t happy with the way your relationship ended and with the things that were said to each other. Tell her that you are sure that she has feelings leftover that she never told you. Maybe she is hurt or angry by some of the things you said or did. And, tell her that you are open to hearing all about how she feels about how you behaved during the break-up or, for that matter, how you behaved during the relationship.

 Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Messages of Hope

Today on Blog Talk Radio

Messages of Hope with guest Suzanne Giesemann

Are you feeling a little short on hope?

Don’t despair...In this week’s show, I’m going to be talking with Suzanne Giesemann who will be bringing her message of hope. An acclaimed inspirational speaker, she captivates audiences as she brings hope, healing, and comfort through her work.

Suzanne Giesemann has experienced one of the most unique career transitions ever – a career transition that spans dimensions! Suzanne is a retired U.S. Navy Commander. She served as a commanding officer, as special assistant to the Chief of Naval Operations, and as Aide to the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff on 9/11. Today she is the author of ten books, a spiritual teacher, and an evidential medium. Suzanne’s gift of communication with those on the other side provides stunning evidence of life after death. In her work, Suzanne addresses questions about the purpose of life, the nature of reality, and attuning to higher consciousness. Her work has been recognized as highly credible by afterlife researcher Dr. Gary Schwartz, Ph.D., and best-selling author Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Please join me today at 1pm (EST)

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Crazy Over Talk of the Ex.

Dear Dr. Love,

I have never been in love before I met Scott. I have only had flings with no feelings involved. We have been together for a year in November and we are currently living together. I know everything about his ex girlfriend.

The problem is he always brings up his ex jen. He was with her for three years and they ended thing on good terms. He calls her every now and then just to see how she is. I think thats great! She has her own man and she asks about me.

I just bothers me when we're out having fun and he brings her up. Like he will say ' Oh jen used to drive a car just like that ' . He means no harm, but he has said so many little things about her that it's driving me crazy. She pops in my head all the time.

Please help me find some kind of peace. Should I talk to a shrink? PLEASE HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Answer: 

When you say that you are crazy over talk about your boyfriend's ex. , I assume that beneath this distress is the feeling of insecurity. (Maybe he doesn't love me enough? Maybe he wants to return to her? And so on). The fact that you avoided emotional intimacy in your previous relationships and only had 'flings' makes me wonder if you are afraid to really give yourself to someone else for fear that he will abandon you. If I am correct, then your boyfriend's talk of his ex. would stir up all sorts of abandonment fears.

So, look into this question and see: if it fits with your history; and whether I have detected an Old Scar that needs healing. Now, once you are able to separate your issues from the equation, I think you will be able to see that this man you're with is a lovely person that never turns his back on old friends and lovers. And, the survivor in you has probably been drawn to him because you sensed that he would stick by ( as opposed to abandon) you.

Beware of personalizing his behavior and assuming that it is a reflection of his feelings (or lack of feeling for you). This man is being himself, and I think you are getting worked up because you are inserting your own history into the equation (someone abandoned you before and you are afraid it will happen again). So, do some self-exploration and you should feel less distressed.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)

I Give Up

Dear Dr. Love:

I just gotten engaged to my boyfriend and ever since we agreed to get married he has a habbit of seeing me for a few days then not for a few more. he says he does it because he's affraid to get into another serious relationship and that he does truley love me. I just can't help but to feel i put eveything into the relationship and get nothing out. I go to talk to him about this and I feel bad because he has a lot of things happening in his life that I want to be there for him not be add to the problems. What should I do?

From
I give up

Answer: 

You should give up. Why on earth would you want to marry a man that makes you feel that you give everything and get nothing back. You would be wise to understand where your tendency to fall into this pattern stems from. Does this recreate an experience from your formative years? As for this man. He obviously has mixed feelings about intimacy and commitment, and marrying him won't make this problem go away.

You are a sweet woman and very willing to put your needs aside to be there for him. But what about your needs? This man withdraws for long stretches, and the problem isn't going to go away by itself. What can you do? A couple of choices: You can ask him to start talking with you about his mixed feelings rather than acting them out. He needs to understand that when he goes into action (withdrawing for 3 days) he is damaging the relationship.

If he wants a relationship with you, he must talk about his fears whenever they arise, not act. Every time he feels nervous, he is to stay in contact (not pull away). If he can do this, you have a man that 's workable and a relationship that has promise. If he can't control his behavior and must withdraw, you are in for big-time misery with this man. And, you really need to ask yourself if you want to marry a man that will be abandoning you like this. Another option is to mirror his doubts and tell him that you aren't ready to get engaged. This technique will probably bring him closer, but it won't actually heal his underlying fears and issues.

No matter which approach you choose, I wouldn't be marrying so fast. You need to find out whether this man is actually capable of a relationship before commiting yourself for the long haul. My best wishes to you. You are lovely, generous woman who deserves to receive back as much love as she gives.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Doubting

Dear Dr. Love,

My boyfriend and I live together and have for the past 8 mo. I love him and he loves me, although I feel a lot of the support, understanding, caring, involvement is going all one way. . . from me to him.

I've been having some troubles of my own recently and he has made it clear that my well-being is not even near the top of his priority list, when he knows he's always been at the top of mine. . . . no doubt! I have tried confronting the problem and letting him know how I feel (I 'm a very straight and forward person when it comes to talking things out). He says he understands, but it hasn't been any better. . . . I just don't feel like we 're progressing towards anything anymore. . . . like I 'm just 'here '.

Honestly speaking, I feel as if he doesn't care. I don't know what to do anymore. . . . Can you please help!!!

Sincerely,
'Doubting'

Answer: 

You have every reason to doubt. This man is not treating you like his number one. And, what's worse, when you tell him about your feelings, he is unresponsive to you. My big question is this: Was he responsive to you early in the relationship? I have a feeling that he wasn't ever really responsive. And, from the sound of your letter, there has been an imbalance in this relationship for a long time. You've been the giver and he's been the receiver.

Are you interested to know why this imbalance is occurring? Many times we are drawn to partners that don't meet our needs because we were accustomed to not having our needs met by our parents. So, we will choose ungiving partners, like our parents, and hope that we can make them give to us what we never got the first time around. I don't know if this scenario fits for you or not.

One thing is certain, when we are attempting to heal unfinished business, it is extremely hard to break free of the relationship. You know the saying, hopes springs eternal, and because of this hope, we don't want to give up the fantasy that maybe today, he will change and begin to give. I understand the wish, but I 'm afraid that your life will be heartache if he keep trying to get blood from a stone. Only you can decide how long you are willing to bang your head against the wall with this guy. I hope for your sake that it's not forever. You deserve a partner that treat you like number one without your having to fight for it. 

May you have all the Love you desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love )

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Love at First Sight

Dr. Love,

I get attached way to easy. Please tell me why I do this. Even if a guy just smiles at me I start to fantasize about how a relationship would be with him, and then I start to get obsessed. And sometimes I get what I want, but I realize they are not what I fantasized about, and I break up with them and get depressed. Please can you tell my why I do this to myself?

Answer: 

When a person is starving for love, and falls head over heals in an instant, we know that unfinished business is afoot. 

In a nutshell, the unconscious mind tries to heals the wounds of childhood by: 1) choosing partners who are similar to the parent(s) that let us down; 2) recreating the painful scenes of the past; and 3) struggling for a happy ending to the wounds of childhood. So, for example, if a person was abandoned by her father as a child, that person will choose a lover that is an abandoner and she will try to win the abandoner's heart. The fantasy is that, if I can make the abandoner stick around and love me, then the hurt from my childhood will be healed (the happy ending).

All humans desperately crave to heal the wounds that remain from childhood. This craving for a healing of the past causes us to: fall in love too easily, fear being alone, or feel addicted to a relationship that doesn't work. These desperate, hungry feelings are actually signals from the unconscious alerting us to the fact that we have an old wound that needs repair.

Obsessive fantasizing may be another clue that the unconscious mind is trying to heal an old wound. Fantasy is the way that the unconscious mind expresses a deep wish. When you fantasize about the people you fall head over heals for, your unconscious mind is finding another way of telling you that it has a secret wish to heal an old wound.

After you get into a relationship, you wake up from the dream and find out that the person you fell for isn't who you thought he was. That is, this person is too much like the parent(s) that let you down (remember, with a repetition compulsion we choose partners that disappoint us like our parents did).

The way out is to: 1) get to know a person very well before becoming involved; 2) be aware of the craving to choose partners who are damaged in the exact same way your parent(s) were and know that you will never find your happy ending from carbon copies of your parent(s); 3) purposely choose partners who can give you your happy ending.

May you have all the Love you desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Jealous Junky

I have a big problem. I know that my girlfriend isn't cheating on me but I 'm so jealous if she even looks at another guy. Then I start asking her all kinds of questions. I've even started checking up on her and following her. Things have gotten so bad we 're having nightly scream fests over this. Why can't I shake this jealousy?

Answer: 

There are lots of reasons why you might be hanging on to jealousy. To get past this problem you will have to admit to yourself that your jealousy is a smoke screen for fear: What are you afraid of? Getting dumped? Do you find yourself thinking, 'She'll find someone else and leave me?

'If your answer is 'yes' then we need to find out where this fear stems from. Did someone dump you or threaten to dump you when you were a kid? If this is so, it is understandable that you would have the feeling that your girlfriend would want to drop you.

From now on, instead of flying into jealous fits, admit your fear and ask your girlfriend for reassurances that she loves you. This will bring her closer to you. On the contrary, your jealous fits will push her away and make your worst fears come true.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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Seeking Greener Pastures

Imagine a couple in a long term, committed relationship. Imagine one of the parties subscribes to a singles dating site - no public profile is involved, he or she, just  likes to look at what's out there. The 'looker' argues it is just amusement. The other party says it is disrespectful and suggestive that perhaps the 'looker' is seeking greener pastures. What would your advice be?

Answer: 

It is common knowledge that men are "lookers" by nature and that male sexuality is fueled by visual stimuli. At the same time, men are wired for variety rather than monogamy. This explains why men throughout the ages have been drawn to visual pornography. Porn satisfies the urge for variety while permitting a man to remain faithful.

With the advent of online dating, an element of reality has now been introduced into the equation. When a man looks at photos on these dating sites, he's playing with fire. These aren't pictures of fantasy women who will always remain strangers. On the contrary, men and women pictured on dating sites can become real with the click of a button. A date can be scheduled at a moment's notice.

This is why you are feeling threatened by your partner's actions. He or she is playing with fire and you know it.

Your partner is looking at real people, not anonymous photos.

The act is a nonverbal communication to you. The message feels hostile and provocative. It's as if the sword is dangling above your head, and at any moment your neck may roll.

Your partner isn't taking responsibility for his/her actions. In fact, his actions are a passive, indirect expression of anger toward you. It feels like you are getting set up. If you don't object, your days are numbered. If you do object and demand that he/she get real with you, you are being set up as the "crazy, over-reactive nut," which you aren't.

I recommend your putting his/her foot to the fire and calling him/her on what's going on. If this relationship is going to survive, your partner needs to step up and put his/her true feelings into words. You want his/her communication translated into a message you can understand.

You need to ask him/her what this behavior telling you about how he feels toward you and about the relationship? Is he/she trying to tell you that you aren't meeting his/her needs? Does he/she want you to feel jealous? Does he/she want you to fight for him/her? Does he/she not feel that you care enough, and is this a ploy to get you to prove how much he/she means to you?

When he/she denies that there's anything wrong, you must have the courage to stay the course and continue to point out the elephant in the room, the truth that is painfully obvious: that he/she is inducing you to fear that an affair is imminent and he/she is doing this for a reason.

A fight will likely ensue, which is fine. Better to have your partner's anger on the table rather than expressed in this indirect and very relationship destructive way.

Once the issue is on the table then you can take the necessary steps to repair what is wrong in the relationship. I recommend that you immediately read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-By-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict, which will guide you on resolving the real issue that your discussion uncovers.

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What's "Cheating" in the Digital Age?

Technology and social media has changed the way people cheat. In the past, if a person wanted to cheat, he/ she  would actively have to go out looking for it. Now, with the click of a mouse, with little effort, you can find a playmate in a virtual chat room. But these virtual encounters are real. The people are real. Virtual flings and flirtations can easily become a prelude to an actual relationship.

Cheating is the same thing it always was. If you're having a flirtation or a verbal sexual engagement with someone who isn’t your partner, you are still going into action. Because you haven’t actually touched someone doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

A person will know whether the virtual behavior has unacceptable, just by how his/her companion reacts. If the companion is upset by the behavior a line has bee crossed. 

Cheating, infidelity, and even virtual infidelity are generally symptoms of an ailing relationship. Whenever there’s an infidelity, virtual or actual, there is a root cause. In some cases, the cause is due to a problem in the primary relationship.

To learn more about this listen to my Ask Dr. Love Radio Show; Why Anthony Weiner Can’t Keep His Weiner in His Pants.

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Do I Have to Ask Him to Marry Me?

Hello, I'm writing here because I need some advice whether I should ask my boyfriend to marry me or not. I've been dating this guy for 18 months now.When we started this relationship, we just knew that we wanted a "serious thing" but we wanted to take it slow. Around 6 months ago, I asked him about our goals (where we were going etc) and he said, "I can't promise you anything. I'm just confused..." BUT we didn't break up.

The last 6 months, I've been trying to be a better girlfriend. I just turned 27 and I thought this age is a perfect age to get married - and considering he's much much much older than me, I think he's supposed to think about it too, right? I'm not challenging or pushing him, but it's just kinda an FYI. He has to realized that relationship is about 2 people not only him.

So my real questions are:

• Is it okay to tell a guy (our boyfriend) that we want to get married (of course with him)?
• Will that question hurt his ego?
• If a women cannot tell a guy to marry him, what should we do to give him a sign that we're ready to move a step ahead?

Thank you in advance.

Signed by: 

I Want To Tell Him That I Want To Get Married!

Answer:

Instead of focusing on what you want, and how to find a way of telling him what to do, which will only get his back up and create more resistance, we need to take an entirely different tack.

That tack is to understand the thoughts and feelings that are behind his cold feet. Something isn’t working for him, otherwise he’d be asking you.

So I suggest that you ask him how you’re doing as his girlfriend. Focus on understanding him.

The beauty of this approach is multi-fold. For one thing, it shows him what a responsive partner you are, which will only help him feel closer to you. For another, you are showing that you can put him first. Your asking this question shows that his happiness is utmost in your mind and heart. And it should be.

Keep in mind that behavior is a communication. Most people don’t know how to put their thoughts and feelings into words. So, their behavior gets expressed in actions. The problem with actions is you can’t do anything constructive with them. Worse, actions can be emotionally upsetting for the receiver of these actions. In this case, his inaction is an action.

Related Advice Columns

• Wounded Man
• What If She Slept with Someone Else Before We Were Committed?
• Is This a Lesson in Futility?
• She Wants to Marry Me and Thinks I Am The One...But
• Does She Really Like Me? Or is She Just Playing Me?
• I Love Someone But Does He Love Me?
• Avoidance of Sex Due to Fears
• Depressed Boyfriend
  

Husband is married to his mother

Dear Dr. Love:

I am married to a man whose mother has almost no life outside of him. She is totally devoted to him to the exclusion of just about everything -- work, hobbies, friends. Plus, she turns to him for advice on everything from programming the VCR to complex legal transactions. He is an only child whose father left before he was born.

Meanwhile, I have felt more and more encroached upon.He has always defended her actions and now I 'm told that things which transpire between the two of them are none of my business. I have often wished she would go get a life and have made several suggestions.

 Lately, have been considering leaving my husband. Where can I find information or help so I make the appropriate decision?

Signed by: 

Considering Leaving my Husband

Answer: 

You are in a tough situation. It actually feels like your husband is married to his mother and you are the other woman! You beg for his time and attention, but the mistress never has the bargaining power of a wife. Many mothers demand too much of their son's time and attention, but not every husband takes the bait. It is your husband who has the problem.

 You have to take matters in your own hands. First thing, stop nagging him. The more you try to pull him away from her, the angrier he becomes and the more you solidify the bond between them. You have only one solution at this point: Reverse psychology (you know if you can't beat 'em join 'em). Encourage him to spend even more time with his mother and whenever he wants to be with you, you are too busy, have other plans. Let him miss you instead and chase you instead of the other way around. Let him realize what he's missing. Often this type of approach will break the power struggle you are in.

If reverse psychology doesn't get the problem under control, you need to seriously consider if this man can ever give you what you need.

For additional information check out my book   Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict

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Win Your Ex Back Step 4

Your break up has undoubtedly left you with many scars. Before approaching or trying to reconcile any further with your ex, you need to heal yourself first.

Yes, this is yet another step where you don’t actually contact your ex nor do much of anything that involves him or her. But at this point you should welcome that, because through this program you’ve come to realize that before you take any action toward your ex, the process of reconciliation requires a number of vital preparation steps.

A mind riddled with pain and low self-worth and distracted from its goal by passions and jealousies is only going lose focus and miss the mark. It is a slave to its own negative fears which are, more often than not, mostly imaginary.

Remember what your goal is: you are trying to rekindle the love that you once had. This is why one of the main keys to getting your ex back is simply reviving your ex’s attraction to you. And you are far more attractive when you are confident and together and feel good about yourself.

As it is with nutrients that feed the body, there are many different kinds of Personal Essential Nutrients that feed one’s psyche and build your self-esteem. This program takes the psychobabble out of it and breaks them all down into easy to digest terms. Rebuilding yourself now is also an effort that must be pursued on all fronts: psychological, physical, and even spiritual (if you’re so inclined): you must heal yourself in body, mind, heart, and soul.

To read more about this please click; Win Your Ex Step 4

To your complete guide to, Make up Don't Breakup click the link provided.


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Win Your Ex Back Step 3

This is the stage of my program that just might the hardest to do because it still involves, well, doing nothing.  This will require self-control and discipline. If you feel you don’t have much in the way of those qualities right now, it’s time to develop them.

Now, when I tell you to do nothing, of course I’m only talking about actions that involve your ex -- except for one little action step I'm going to give you in a moment. 

I promise you that, until you've gone through all my materials, your best course of action at this point concerning your ex is inaction. Don’t give in to your urge to call, text, email, leave comments on Facebook, show up unannounced, drive by his or her house or neighborhood, and so on and so forth. Avoid your ex at all costs.

I call  this phase of the process the “cool your jets” stage, indicating your need to calm down, cool off, and get yourself together, to gather the resolve and patience you’re going to need to see the reconciliation process through to the finish line.

When the wound is fresh and passions run high is when we say and do the stupidest things.

A relationship cannot be reconciled until it breaks out of these old patterns.

To read more about this please click; Win Back Your Ex Back Step 3

To get your complete guide to, Make Up Don't Break Up click the link provided

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Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays

 If you and your partner spend more time going toe-to-toe 

   instead of draping the mistletoe... then my book, Dr.Love's 

    Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays is

              just what the doctor ordered!

It will be FREE on Amazon Saturday November 16th, 2013

Win Your Ex Back Step 2

Even the most superficial of today’s “get your ex back” programs recommend that the first thing you need to do is back off, curb your sense of urgency, and take some time to calm down and reflect.

There are good reasons for this advice. But there’s more to it than that. You need to go even deeper.

Questions to ask yourself would be: What is it that you and your ex were looking for in the relationship? What is it you were seeking in the other person?

I don’t mean why you were attracted to your ex.  I mean, what is the fundamental Universal Human Need that causes people to get into relationships to begin with? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not sex, or not exactly.

A thorough reconciliation program will go further and deeper than all the quick fix methods out there. Without a clear understanding of what holds human relationships together, how can you ever hope to restore what's broken?  It’s like trying to build a house without understanding gravity.

To read more about this please click; Win Your Ex Back Step 2.

 To get a your complete guide to, Make Up Don't Break Up click the link provided.

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Win Your Ex Back Step 1

The conflict in your relationship has reached the point of boiling over, even to the point of breaking up. You want to try again, but you're afraid you'll soon find yourself back in the same arguments. Getting out of the cycle of conflict isn't easy, and you don't know what to do.

If only you could do something, like buy the perfect gift, or conjure up some perfect funny romantic prank that manages to change everything, like they do in the movies. Through the whole scene you'd have this magic power over your words, and manage to just say and do all the perfect things. You would bring the audience to tears.

Only, in real life, we all know it doesn't work that way. Our efforts are usually clumsy, and we stumble through, and we're tasting shoe leather more times than we'd like.

The problem is that we try too hard, and we're trying to do something where in fact we should do nothing. We forget that it's all the things we've been doing that have gotten us to this point. Sure, we realize we've been doing something wrong, but we think that the answer lies in coming up with actions or words that are the "right" ones.

And what makes us think that, after all our efforts that haven't worked, we're going to suddenly come up with the brilliant Master Plan? And what makes us think that, even if we did, we're not going to execute it in a manner that just repeats the same old patterns.

It may sound bit like something Mr. Miagi from the "Karate Kid" movie might say, but it makes sense: the first stage of repairing a broken relationship is to do nothing. What you need to do is back up, cool off, and give your partner time to do the same. That's why I call the first of this series of articles on how to get your ex back I call  step "zero:" because at this stage of the game, your goal is not only to  do nothing no, but to learn and exercise this vital skill of self-restraint.

During this initial cool off phase you will have to switch from an "active" state of mind where you are trying to pursue the right actions and words (and possibly frantically pursuing your partner as well), to a "passive" state of mind where you are observing yourself and your situation opening yourself to new ways of looking at things. And, you should be preparing yourself to listen and be receptive to your partner rather than trying to "do something" that will fix everything.

In fact, not only during the make-up phase, but during many moments of relationship conflict and especially during the reconciliation process,  the path of non-action is often the best path to take. Instead of getting caught up in cycles of actions and their reactions, which tend to be habitual and repeat the same destructive patterns that lead to break-ups, you need to train yourself to be more thoughtful, aware, and observant of your reactions. And, generally speaking, you have to be patient, you have to give the action that you do take sufficient time to blossom.

Just this change alone can often produce amazing results, because now you're not acting and reacting the way in the same old ways that your partner thought you would, which leaves him or her free to not act or react in the same old ways. The change you make in yourself becomes the change they can make in themselves. This is how you begin to break your relationship's patterns of conflict that led to the breakup in the first place and that continue to threaten to destroy it once again.

Dr. Love's Relationship Toolkit

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Woman Who Wonders if Cybersex is Cheating

Today I am going to share with you a letter I received at my Ask Dr Love Advice Column.


I am so confused. My boyfriend of 4 years has lied to me about an internet relationship that began over 4 months ago. He says that he has turned to the internet because he has limited friends and I am not around. He has dangled the 'carrot' of living together as an option to marriage since he has two more years of school and lives over 300 miles away .

I became aware of this relationship after he started talking about his ' e-mail buddy' and started knocking the concept of marriage. He said it was harmless and that she called him for 'counsel.' Then they started talking on the phone. I have known for some time that he was a liar but I thought he would not lie to me. He repeatedly stated that there was nothing going on as they live over 1000 miles away. Several days ago my instinct (which is always right) told me to check his e-mail. They had plans to meet. Also, I found that he was having phone sex with this person and two others. Needless to say he was furious that I invaded his privacy (he gave me the password).

He wants to reconcile and even proposed marriage. I don't think I can trust him. My question is ... Do you think this warrants as cheating?

Signed by:
Do his actions can be called cheating?


My answer:

If you feel cheated upon, then you are being cheated on. Even though he didn't cheat in action, he is making tracks to cheat by making a date to meet with this woman. Plus, he is cheating you out of himself by placing his energy in flirting with and verbally making love to others. Every woman needs to feel that she is her boyfriend's or husband's number one girl. Clearly you aren't feeling this.

What's equally unacceptable is the fact that he lied to you. Let's face facts. If he's so lonely without you, he could get on the horn and talk to you, not some stranger. By making imaginary love with others, he's pushing you away. Yes, he's an intimacy and commitment phobic and a liar.

But enough about him. It's you I'm worried about. You said you knew he lies but never thought he'd lie to you. I'm afraid you've been living in denial here. It feels like some unfinished childhood business is afoot. I get the sense that your unconscious has chosen a man that lies because you are used to being lied to. The unconscious fantasy behind this choice is the wish that this time around you will fix the liar. Isn't this exactly what you said,'I never thought he'd lie to me.' But, he's lying to you about not being involved with someone else. He is planning to meet with his cybersex partner.

At this point, your focus must be on fixing you. If you focus on the question, was he really cheating, you will miss the point entirely. This isn't about him. It's about you and your willingness to talk yourself out of the truth. About your way of pulling the wool over your eyes. About your need to hold on to the fantasy that a liar won't lie to you.

As part of your healing, you will also need to face the fact that you can't fix him. People that lie usually don't want to change their ways. Lying is a pattern that is learned early in life, and it becomes a deep-seated part of that person's personality. It is a coping strategy that is used to avoid pain and escape punishment. And, unless a person experiences great suffering as a result of lying, he or she will rarely give it up. So, you need to assume that he won't stop lying to you. Do not believe words or promises that he will change, unless he makes a behavioral follow-through and gets professional help.

So, focus on understanding what piece of your childhood you are trying to heal. Which parent lied to you? Then, own your fantasy: that you will fix that lying parent and never be lied to again. Next, take a look at reality. Does your partner want to fix himself. Is he making steps to do so? And, if your answer is no, then you will need to face the facts. He will never change and your life will be filled with a series of lies. And, ultimately, you will then need to make a reality-based, not a fantasy-based choice by asking yourself: Do I want to live with someone who will always lie to me? Am I willing to stay with him knowing that he will never change.

The only way you will be able to fully face reality and not live under the fantasy that he will never lie to you is for you to heal your Old Scar from childhood. When that wound is healed, you will no longer wish to fix liars in your adult life. And this man will become a thing of the past!

I hope that my answer clarifies where you are and what you need to do.

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