Mr. Unable to Date

Dear Dr. Love I hope I can get your opinion on this...

Every time I try to find someone to date, they think I'm really nice and want to continue the relationship but after just two or three dates they suddenly pour out all of their difficulties, complications and problems and I suddenly feel overwhelmed.

I feel pressured like I'm expected to be their savior!

For some strange reason, I still continue to date them but they sense the discomfort I have about this and they leave as suddenly as they had turned up - this really upsets me!!

Excuse my inexperience, but is this normal??

Am I expected to give when I'm not even sure if its just to use me?

I personally have been through a whole lot myself. Grew up in a family where my dad was never around and my mom did not offer much emotional support. When growing up I was constantly criticized although I did a lot better than most kids, was always compared to the better and made to feel bad about myself.

This made my self-esteem really drop to record lows - I'm 24 and I did not start dating until I was 21 because of this. My first date came about because someone thought I was 'cute' and pursued me. . . that lasted 10 days!!

 Mr. Unable to date

Answer: 

I understand what's happening with you.

The wounded person inside you identifies with the hurting person in others. Your level of identification causes the other person to feel understood by you. And, in no time, they are spilling their emotional guts to you.

In many ways, what's going on with you is not different from the rescue fantasy syndrome. All rescuers are actually wounded souls themselves. And, when a rescuer care takes to another wounded soul, his unconscious mind identifies with the person that he is caring for.

Through the process of unconscious identification, the rescuer hopes to heal the wounded person inside himself. This is what's going on inside you. You want to be healed and rescued from your pain.

So, your unconscious mind arranges to get your partner to talk about her pain and then you fall into the care taking mode. But, the process isn't working. You aren't feeling healed!

As you and all rescuers soon discover, hoping to receive healing by care taking others never works. This is because the caretaker soon feels used, angry and depleted. As you have learned the hard way, by constantly feeding and care taking other wounded souls, you don't fill the void or heal the wounds in yourself, you just feel emptier.

So, here's the deal. In order for you to break free of this pattern. You need to own your own wounds and work through the feelings attached to them. Then, you won't need to try to fix your wounds through others and will be able to form a relationship that isn't based on an unconscious hidden agenda.

So, become acutely aware of your tendency to rescue and care take. Watch yourself like a hawk and resist the temptation to go there. At the same time heal yourself.

All the best.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love )

Husband is married to his mother

Dear Dr. Love:

I am married to a man whose mother has almost no life outside of him. She is totally devoted to him to the exclusion of just about everything -- work, hobbies, friends. Plus, she turns to him for advice on everything from programming the VCR to complex legal transactions. He is an only child whose father left before he was born.

Meanwhile, I have felt more and more encroached upon.He has always defended her actions and now I 'm told that things which transpire between the two of them are none of my business. I have often wished she would go get a life and have made several suggestions.

 Lately, have been considering leaving my husband. Where can I find information or help so I make the appropriate decision?

Signed by: 

Considering Leaving my Husband

Answer: 

You are in a tough situation. It actually feels like your husband is married to his mother and you are the other woman! You beg for his time and attention, but the mistress never has the bargaining power of a wife. Many mothers demand too much of their son's time and attention, but not every husband takes the bait. It is your husband who has the problem.

 You have to take matters in your own hands. First thing, stop nagging him. The more you try to pull him away from her, the angrier he becomes and the more you solidify the bond between them. You have only one solution at this point: Reverse psychology (you know if you can't beat 'em join 'em). Encourage him to spend even more time with his mother and whenever he wants to be with you, you are too busy, have other plans. Let him miss you instead and chase you instead of the other way around. Let him realize what he's missing. Often this type of approach will break the power struggle you are in.

If reverse psychology doesn't get the problem under control, you need to seriously consider if this man can ever give you what you need.

For additional information check out my book   Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict

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How to Spot a Player BEFORE You Get Played

Are you putting your body, mind, heart and soul at risk by having sex too soon?

In this edition of Ask Dr. Love radio, I’m going to discuss why the opinions of the dating coach who appeared on my show last week are dead wrong and dangerous for you to follow!

If you listened last week, you heard him say that if a woman wants to form a relationship, she  must  put the erotic cart before the emotional horse--and have sex from the starting gate.   

What this coach doesn't know is that there is science behind why premature sex can be dangerous, especially for women, and counterproductive to the formation of a relationship.

For one thing, sex too early in the game puts a woman at risk of becoming the target of a player who has no interest in forming a relationship...or falling for someone who just isn’t a good fit.

Second, and contrary to what this coach said, having sex too soon can actually drive a man away.

Tuesday, August 13th, 1pm (EST) on Talk Zone Radio

Tune in to find out why practicing self-love by setting boundaries for yourself in the key to forming a solid relationship. It is precisely during this time of waiting and watching that a woman is supposed to assess her prospective partner’s capacity to form a relationship and evaluate whether compatibility exists.

http://www.i-newswire.com/how-can-a-woman-spot-a-player-before/234086