Mr. Unable to Date

Dear Dr. Love I hope I can get your opinion on this...

Every time I try to find someone to date, they think I'm really nice and want to continue the relationship but after just two or three dates they suddenly pour out all of their difficulties, complications and problems and I suddenly feel overwhelmed.

I feel pressured like I'm expected to be their savior!

For some strange reason, I still continue to date them but they sense the discomfort I have about this and they leave as suddenly as they had turned up - this really upsets me!!

Excuse my inexperience, but is this normal??

Am I expected to give when I'm not even sure if its just to use me?

I personally have been through a whole lot myself. Grew up in a family where my dad was never around and my mom did not offer much emotional support. When growing up I was constantly criticized although I did a lot better than most kids, was always compared to the better and made to feel bad about myself.

This made my self-esteem really drop to record lows - I'm 24 and I did not start dating until I was 21 because of this. My first date came about because someone thought I was 'cute' and pursued me. . . that lasted 10 days!!

 Mr. Unable to date

Answer: 

I understand what's happening with you.

The wounded person inside you identifies with the hurting person in others. Your level of identification causes the other person to feel understood by you. And, in no time, they are spilling their emotional guts to you.

In many ways, what's going on with you is not different from the rescue fantasy syndrome. All rescuers are actually wounded souls themselves. And, when a rescuer care takes to another wounded soul, his unconscious mind identifies with the person that he is caring for.

Through the process of unconscious identification, the rescuer hopes to heal the wounded person inside himself. This is what's going on inside you. You want to be healed and rescued from your pain.

So, your unconscious mind arranges to get your partner to talk about her pain and then you fall into the care taking mode. But, the process isn't working. You aren't feeling healed!

As you and all rescuers soon discover, hoping to receive healing by care taking others never works. This is because the caretaker soon feels used, angry and depleted. As you have learned the hard way, by constantly feeding and care taking other wounded souls, you don't fill the void or heal the wounds in yourself, you just feel emptier.

So, here's the deal. In order for you to break free of this pattern. You need to own your own wounds and work through the feelings attached to them. Then, you won't need to try to fix your wounds through others and will be able to form a relationship that isn't based on an unconscious hidden agenda.

So, become acutely aware of your tendency to rescue and care take. Watch yourself like a hawk and resist the temptation to go there. At the same time heal yourself.

All the best.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love )

Afraid to Ask Her Out

Hello Dr. Love,

I am a 16 year old male, and I have had my eye on this beautiful, charming girl (or should I say young woman) for a long time. I have been debating whether or not I should ask her out. I always tell myself to wait and see if she shows anything to even hint that she likes me, and thee are many things she does that could be signs that she does. I just am really shy, and I do not think that I am good enough for her. I need advice on what I should do. 

Thanks

Answer: 

You sound absolutely adorable. Your problem isn't that you are shy (many people are) it's that your self-esteem isn't where it should be (I don't think I'm good enough for her). How come you don't you know how great you are? Just from reading your question, I saw special qualities in you--honesty, openness, ability to care. You need to work on improving your self-image (go to my website

and type in the search words: shy, self-esteem and scared to make the first move).

 Begin a conversation by asking her questions about herself (who doesn't like talking about him or herself), show that you are interested in what is interesting to her. . . in short, be a friend. The best love affairs and happiest marriages are founded on solid friendships. Even though you feel unworthy of her, and afraid of rejection, how much worse will you feel if you don't take a chance? Keep in mind that if you ease in through the friendship door, you will be protecting yourself from humiliation.

Lead with positive statements about her start a friendship. What's the worst that can happen? She'll say she doesn't want to be your friend. Not likely. The girl would have to be nuts to turn away a man that is demonstrates such interest and devotion. After you become friends, then you can discuss your feelings about wanting more from the relationship. All you need is the nerve to override your fears. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aks Dr. Love)

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Woman Who is Being Dangled By a String

Dear Dr.Love,

I have been dating someone for the last five months. Lately it seems that he doesn't care about my needs or my feelings. He will go days without calling me or returning my calls. Also he refuses to make plans until the last minute, I am lucky if he calls in the morning to ask to do something that evening. I really like this guy and don't know what to do. Help.

Answer: 

You are being dangled like a puppet on a string. This man is abusing you. He treats you like utter garbage and you still like him! Why do you want someone who treats you so poorly? Before you do anything else, you must do some soul-searching and figure out why you are so attached to such a dick-head.

Don't think you're alone. Many women are drawn to men that don't treat them well. When we can't let go of (or are obsessed with) someone that mistreats us this means: we are recreating a wound of the past in an attempt to heal it (also read my answer to question entitled 'Obsessed'). In a vain attempt to heal, our unconscious minds chose a person who is similar to whoever hurt us when we were young; next, our minds hope that we can achieve the happy ending for the old wound (this time I won't be treated like garbage. I will be treated special). Only, since we have chosen a person who is like whoever hurt us as kids, we never receive the happy ending, we just bang our emotional heads against the wall and experience wound after wound.

So, I suggest you figure out what past wound is being recreated in this relationship; next, figure out what type of treatment you wanted as a kid, and what you want now; then, I would make these needs known in the form of limit-setting (no whining, begging, pleading or complaining). By setting limits on this man you fight for your happy ending to childhood--and current-- mistreatment. To set a healing limit for yourself, you might say, 'I expect you to return my calls and give me notice when you ask me out. Can you do this?' If he says he will, you need to say, 'And, how should I respond if you don't keep your word?' If, on the contrary, he say that he can't or won't respond to your request, then it's up to you to decide if you wish to continue being abused like this. If he says he will change and doesn't, then, again, you must decide how much you wish to keep replaying the abandonment wound.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)


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Not Much to Look At

Dear Dr. Love:

I have a boyfriend who works with a very attractive woman. They work very long hours. He treats her very well and at times I find myself becoming overwhelmingly jealous. I am not much to look at and I sometimes wonder if looks are important to him. Should I trust him?

Not Much to Look At

Answer: 

You ask if you should trust your boyfriend. If you are worried about your status in the relationship, you could ask him, 'how are we doing together?' or 'how is our relationship going?' and see what he says. Also, you might privately consider whether he has changed in the way he treats you? Is he looking for excuses not to be with you? Is he suddenly behaving differently?

If your boyfriend seems to be behaving as he always did toward you and he tells you that everything is fine between you both, then we can assume that the issue lies within yourself. So, in order to build up your confidence about the relationship, start by reminding yourself that your boyfriend chose to date you. If he had been married to movie star looks, then he wouldn't have chosen you in the first place. I have often met gorgeous guys who are madly in love with plain looking women. Attraction is much more than skin deep, and a woman who is ugly can actually appear beautiful if she resonates with self-confidence.

It sounds to me as though your self-esteem leaves something to be desired. My goodness, you do put yourself down (I am not much to look at). I have seen absolute dogs who think they are Miss Americas. Do you know what is attractive about you? If you don't know, start making a list. If you need help, ask friends to tell you your attractive points. If you don't soon feel better about yourself, you will be doubting your boyfriend at every turn. (There will always be another pretty colleague that has you worried sick. )

So, work on improving your self-esteem. Every day, remind yourself out loud what is special and wonderful about you. If you don't feel better about yourself in six weeks, contact me again, and we'll go to the next step.

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No Sex Drive

Relationship expert Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love) helps out a woman who is desperate over the fact that her boyfriend’s sex drive has dried up. Join her as she helps her get to the bottom of their sexual dry spell. AskDrLove.com is the Web's premier free relationship advice site since 1996. Search thousands of relationship, marriage, dating, and sex advice articles and videos on every imaginable problem, or Ask Dr. Love your own question!

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