Fridays' Love Quote

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” 

― Joan Crawford

I Need Her Love

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been dating my girlfriend for six months now. We have known each other for about four years. We tried having a relationship last summer that only lasted two months. Now that we've been together for six months I feel that our relationship has not grown emotionally, spiritually or physically. I feel like we are still just friends. We are not very intimate with each other. We do not hold, hug or touch each other very often.

With this in mind I think you know that the most intimate thing a couple could do has not happened. I 'm okay with that though. It is the little signs of affection that I yearn for. She tells me that she is not used to showing affection. At one point she felt uncomfortable spending the night at my house. I think that has changed. While in bed, we do not hold each other. I guess I should give you this information before I go any further. I am 27 and she is 20.

I have had relationships where affection and intimacy were abundant. On the other hand, she has not had many relationships to that degree. I have no problems with being patient. But I feel that our relationship is not heading in the right direction. I have told her that I love her, but the past couple of days I find myself daydreaming about being with someone who will give me the affection that I need.

Another thing that I feel hinders our relationship is our difference in attitude. I am a very optimistic person. When things are bad, I always try to look at the bright side, or bring something positive out of the issue. She has a defeated attitude, and she doubts herself more than she realizes. Whenever I try to lift her spirits, she does not accept it. I know I love her but, I am so afraid that my feelings are going to change for her. Please help me salvage my relationship.

Signed, 'I Need Her Love '

Answer: 

To read my response please visit  http://askdrlove.com/content/i-need-her-love

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Exciting Invitation!

Hi, it's Dr. Love here with a very exciting invitation!

This Wednesday, March 12th  at 12 noon EST, I'll be doing a live Google+  Hangout. We are going to have a fun conversation on Kiss Your Fights Good-bye!

Google Hangouts is like watching a live TV show where you can participate in two ways:

1) If you're on Google+ you can actually join in and be a part of the show! Just click on the link below and click on the YES button on the event invite… you can leave your comments or questions in the comment thread.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/crcqmfdg5p2k85ggu7v1uqibot8

OR

2) If you're not on Google+ you can watch, listen and comment live via YouTube!

Here's the link to watch live on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/bringbackdesire

3) And you can even watch on YouTube from your mobile phone.

How cool is that!

4) If you can't catch the show live, we'll post the event invite link on Facebook so you can watch later when it's convenient for you.

However, it's more fun live… where you can speak to me live and ask me your questions! 

Hope to hang out with you soon!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf( aka Dr. Love)

Untrusting

Dear Dr. Love,

My beau and I have been together for a year and we don’t trust each other. He owns a night club and has girls all over him and seems to think he is doing nothing wrong. I used to work with him but the women began starting rumors about him sleeping around and I couldn’t handle it. He has gone out to dinner with girls from work if I go out of town, thinking maybe I am doing something wrong on him.

I have been faithful to him, and I want to trust each other. I feel like we are going in circles, I feel like we don’t trust each other and it’s tearing me a- part. It makes me feel insecure and as if I ‘m not what he wants. He’s very insecure. I need desperately to know what we can do. He has ex-girlfriends calling him and won’t tell them to stop calling. He lets his ex-fiance call and not say anything to her, no he doesn’t talk to them. I sit at home and go to school. I believe all he says but all the rumors have me doubting him and what he says. I have heard him lie to his friends and say things that he has said to me, when I know that he is. Any advice????

Untrusting. . . . .

Answer: 

You are being mistreated in this relationship. No wonder you don’t trust your boyfriend. This guy is lying to you and flirting with other women right under your nose. And, you say he behaves worse when you go out of town.

Why is he pushing you away? Your friend obviously suffers from fear of abandonment. And, since he is so sure that you will dump him, he makes sure to ‘dump’ you first by dishing out rejecting behaviors. He is emotionally jumping the gun, and attempting to kill you off before you can kill him. I understand that he is afraid. Only one problem. He doesn’t get in touch with these feelings and talk about them. Instead, he acts out and fights against his fears with very relationship destructive behaviors          (flirting, etc. )

What concerns me most is you, not him. In reading your letter, I didn’t get the feeling that you know you are being mistreated. Is it possible that you don’t recognize mistreatment because feeling unsafe in relationships is normal to you. I suspect that something in your formative years has taught you that love is an insecure and untrusting place. But, love should feel safe. And, you should be with a lover who makes you feel like his number one.

There are no quick fixes for your situation. You need to start individual therapy and find out what part of your history you are trying to heal by dating a man like this. Unless this man does the same type of work, I don’t see the possibility for a happy future together. 

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love)

Fridays' Love Quote

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Cat Nap

One of my fans, left the room while reading my new book. When she returned, her cat was reading the book himself! Finally, he feel asleep with a smile on his face, dreaming happy dreams of loving, harmonious relationships with..mice, I imagine!

Check out my book today!

Fridays' Love Quote

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” 

― Zelda Fitzgerald

How To Listen With The Ears Of Our Hearts

In this episode of Ask Dr. Love radio, I discusses the power of listening to head off and resolve most relationship conflicts.

This week on Ask Dr. Love Radio I explain the link between relationship fighting and lack of listening skills.

“On the road to conflict resolution, listening is the superhighway!”

It there comes as no surprise that listening is nearly absent in conflicted relationships.

Find out why so many couples fall into the “deaf pit” and how we can use our ears to steer clear of most relationship conflicts.

Tune in to Ask Dr. Love radio and find out now to listen your way back to love!

HOW TO LISTEN LIVE: You can tune in to Internet Radio from anywhere

and call in using any kind of phone, including Skype. Use this link to

go to this show's page and listen live:   http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Call into the ASk Dr. Love Show at 1pm (EST) 888-463-6748  

ARCHIVED RADIO SHOWS. This show will be recorded and can be found on

BlogTalkRadio.com, AskDrLove.com, and iTunes.

STAY INFORMED!  The best way to keep up with immediate news regarding

radio shows, columns, and special product discounts is to Like my

Facebook page at http://facebook.com/askdrlove, or follow me on

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/askdrlove.

Join me today at 11 am (PST) on Hayhouse Radio

Please join me Today!  For a Live call-in show! US and Canada toll free 1-866-254-1579
Outside dial the US country code then 760-918-4300

Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye with Dr. Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D Discover ten simple steps for cooling conflict and rekindling your relationship with Dr. Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D. Known as Dr. Love, Dr. Jamie Turndorf has been transforming conflict into connection for 30 years. Dr. Turndorf talks with Diane Ray about her groundbreaking techniques featured in her book Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye and how you can apply these methods to stop conflicts in all of your relationships.

Digital Love

Looking for true love, or at least someone cute to watch Net!ix with? There’s no better place to find that person than on the Web. Here are some tips to help you online-date like a champ

BY DR. JAMIE TURNDORF (AKA DR. LOVE)

ILLUSTRATION BY NATALIE ANDREWSON

It's almost the weekend...

A quote to remember ;

" Happiness is a direction, not a place. " ( Sydney J Harris)

"Happy Hour"

1/9/2014 - 7:30pm

Spend your "Happy Hour" this week with Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love), learning how to strengthen your relationships!

Listen Live: http://mix97fm.com/

In Love But Out of Words

Dear Dr. Love,

I have this crush on this guy I like. I've had a crush on him for several weeks now. What my question is, is how do I tell him that I'm in love with him? My feelings are so strong for him. I just need a way to tell him. Please help me solve this!

Answer: 

I don't know if you are at a true loss of words, or whether you are afraid to say what's on your mind, for fear of rejection. If you are simply at a loss for words, then I would say exactly how you feel, minus the four letter word, love.

I'm not saying that your feelings of love are wrong, but, if you voice them on the first round, you could scare the guy away. So, instead, you could say something positive or complimentary to the guy you like. Study his good features and choose one of the features that you like most about him. For example, you might say, 'I wanted to tell you how much I admire your kindness or intelligence, and would like to get to know you better. '

By saying that you are interested in deepening the relationship, you kill two birds with one stone: First, you don't overwhelm the guy with love declarations, which may seem premature since you haven't even started dating! In which case, he could run, as I said already. But, also when you stick your emotional toe in the water, rather than diving in head first, you protect yourself from outright rejection.

So, let this relationship percolate like fine coffee. Begin a friendship, then let that deepen into more. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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It’s Dr. Love here..

As the New Year stretches out before you, have you thought about where you would like to be one year from now?

I mean, do you have specific dreams for your future, your work, yourself and your relationships?

Specifically, do you have what I call a “soul goal?

In my new book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye, I teach you how to be present to those you love, how to listen to them when their feelings are hurt and even when they are angry, and how to speak when we’re angry so that those close to us want to hear and respond to us.

Follow the simple steps outlined in Kiss Your Fights Good-bye and you will soon be fulfilling your highest and most divine calling on earth--to fully love with your entire heart and soul, even in the hard times.

Wishing you a New Year filled with love and peace!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Mr. Unable to Date

Dear Dr. Love I hope I can get your opinion on this...

Every time I try to find someone to date, they think I'm really nice and want to continue the relationship but after just two or three dates they suddenly pour out all of their difficulties, complications and problems and I suddenly feel overwhelmed.

I feel pressured like I'm expected to be their savior!

For some strange reason, I still continue to date them but they sense the discomfort I have about this and they leave as suddenly as they had turned up - this really upsets me!!

Excuse my inexperience, but is this normal??

Am I expected to give when I'm not even sure if its just to use me?

I personally have been through a whole lot myself. Grew up in a family where my dad was never around and my mom did not offer much emotional support. When growing up I was constantly criticized although I did a lot better than most kids, was always compared to the better and made to feel bad about myself.

This made my self-esteem really drop to record lows - I'm 24 and I did not start dating until I was 21 because of this. My first date came about because someone thought I was 'cute' and pursued me. . . that lasted 10 days!!

 Mr. Unable to date

Answer: 

I understand what's happening with you.

The wounded person inside you identifies with the hurting person in others. Your level of identification causes the other person to feel understood by you. And, in no time, they are spilling their emotional guts to you.

In many ways, what's going on with you is not different from the rescue fantasy syndrome. All rescuers are actually wounded souls themselves. And, when a rescuer care takes to another wounded soul, his unconscious mind identifies with the person that he is caring for.

Through the process of unconscious identification, the rescuer hopes to heal the wounded person inside himself. This is what's going on inside you. You want to be healed and rescued from your pain.

So, your unconscious mind arranges to get your partner to talk about her pain and then you fall into the care taking mode. But, the process isn't working. You aren't feeling healed!

As you and all rescuers soon discover, hoping to receive healing by care taking others never works. This is because the caretaker soon feels used, angry and depleted. As you have learned the hard way, by constantly feeding and care taking other wounded souls, you don't fill the void or heal the wounds in yourself, you just feel emptier.

So, here's the deal. In order for you to break free of this pattern. You need to own your own wounds and work through the feelings attached to them. Then, you won't need to try to fix your wounds through others and will be able to form a relationship that isn't based on an unconscious hidden agenda.

So, become acutely aware of your tendency to rescue and care take. Watch yourself like a hawk and resist the temptation to go there. At the same time heal yourself.

All the best.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love )

I Give Up

Dear Dr. Love:

I just gotten engaged to my boyfriend and ever since we agreed to get married he has a habbit of seeing me for a few days then not for a few more. he says he does it because he's affraid to get into another serious relationship and that he does truley love me. I just can't help but to feel i put eveything into the relationship and get nothing out. I go to talk to him about this and I feel bad because he has a lot of things happening in his life that I want to be there for him not be add to the problems. What should I do?

From
I give up

Answer: 

You should give up. Why on earth would you want to marry a man that makes you feel that you give everything and get nothing back. You would be wise to understand where your tendency to fall into this pattern stems from. Does this recreate an experience from your formative years? As for this man. He obviously has mixed feelings about intimacy and commitment, and marrying him won't make this problem go away.

You are a sweet woman and very willing to put your needs aside to be there for him. But what about your needs? This man withdraws for long stretches, and the problem isn't going to go away by itself. What can you do? A couple of choices: You can ask him to start talking with you about his mixed feelings rather than acting them out. He needs to understand that when he goes into action (withdrawing for 3 days) he is damaging the relationship.

If he wants a relationship with you, he must talk about his fears whenever they arise, not act. Every time he feels nervous, he is to stay in contact (not pull away). If he can do this, you have a man that 's workable and a relationship that has promise. If he can't control his behavior and must withdraw, you are in for big-time misery with this man. And, you really need to ask yourself if you want to marry a man that will be abandoning you like this. Another option is to mirror his doubts and tell him that you aren't ready to get engaged. This technique will probably bring him closer, but it won't actually heal his underlying fears and issues.

No matter which approach you choose, I wouldn't be marrying so fast. You need to find out whether this man is actually capable of a relationship before commiting yourself for the long haul. My best wishes to you. You are lovely, generous woman who deserves to receive back as much love as she gives.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Unsure

Dear Dr Love,

I recently ended an eight year relationship about six months ago. We lived together for six. It ended when he cheated on me. I've been seeing this new guy and I feel I'm really ready for a committed relationship with him. However, many of my friends think that it is too soon for me too move into a new romance. What do you think?

Unsure

Answer: 

Since you say that you are really ready for a serious relationship, then why are you feeling unsure? How come you feel the need to allow others to dictate to you on your actions? Others aren't living in your skin, so how can they presume to tell you how to live?

There are no rules about how soon is too soon to start over. All that matters is that you are listening to your heart and making good decisions for yourself--not for your friends--for yourself.

Is it possible that you are hiding behind your friends' doubts? That is, do you have doubts of your own that you are afraid to admit to yourself? Are your friends merely voicing your own secret doubts? Are you afraid that this man will cheat on you like the last one did? Examine this question, and if you find that you still feel clear and ready, then follow your heart.

If you decide to become more serious with this man, I wish you every happiness.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love )

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Love at First Sight

Dr. Love,

I get attached way to easy. Please tell me why I do this. Even if a guy just smiles at me I start to fantasize about how a relationship would be with him, and then I start to get obsessed. And sometimes I get what I want, but I realize they are not what I fantasized about, and I break up with them and get depressed. Please can you tell my why I do this to myself?

Answer: 

When a person is starving for love, and falls head over heals in an instant, we know that unfinished business is afoot. 

In a nutshell, the unconscious mind tries to heals the wounds of childhood by: 1) choosing partners who are similar to the parent(s) that let us down; 2) recreating the painful scenes of the past; and 3) struggling for a happy ending to the wounds of childhood. So, for example, if a person was abandoned by her father as a child, that person will choose a lover that is an abandoner and she will try to win the abandoner's heart. The fantasy is that, if I can make the abandoner stick around and love me, then the hurt from my childhood will be healed (the happy ending).

All humans desperately crave to heal the wounds that remain from childhood. This craving for a healing of the past causes us to: fall in love too easily, fear being alone, or feel addicted to a relationship that doesn't work. These desperate, hungry feelings are actually signals from the unconscious alerting us to the fact that we have an old wound that needs repair.

Obsessive fantasizing may be another clue that the unconscious mind is trying to heal an old wound. Fantasy is the way that the unconscious mind expresses a deep wish. When you fantasize about the people you fall head over heals for, your unconscious mind is finding another way of telling you that it has a secret wish to heal an old wound.

After you get into a relationship, you wake up from the dream and find out that the person you fell for isn't who you thought he was. That is, this person is too much like the parent(s) that let you down (remember, with a repetition compulsion we choose partners that disappoint us like our parents did).

The way out is to: 1) get to know a person very well before becoming involved; 2) be aware of the craving to choose partners who are damaged in the exact same way your parent(s) were and know that you will never find your happy ending from carbon copies of your parent(s); 3) purposely choose partners who can give you your happy ending.

May you have all the Love you desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Kiss Your Fights Good-bye

My new Hay House book Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps for Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Connection is now available for pre-order.

More about Kiss Your Fights Good-bye:

Heated fighting triggers a biochemical imbalance in men that causes them to flee from conflict. The technical name for this is the Demand/ Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle, also known as “husband withdrawal.” This is the number one cause of marital and relationship strife, divorce, and domestic violence. My techniques, are based on 30 years of research out of  the Center for Emotional Communication, transform conflict into connection for a lifetime of lasting love.

Even if you’re locked in battle and have been for years, your relationship can change. Beginning with simple Cool-Down steps, you’ll learn why husband withdrawal occurs and then how to use Climate Control strategies to reset the relationship. Women will discover the real reason why men never seem to listen—it’s nothing personal—and the secret trick that actually makes them want to listen and stick around to settle disputes.

My proven conflict-resolution method interrupts the cycle of fighting for the majority of couples, and can also be used to defuse disagreements among friends and family members.

Order in the next week, and you receive a FREE thank you gift: Dr. Love's 7 Secrets to Lasting Love.

After you have completed payment, make sure to email - preorder@askdrlove.com with your order number to receive your free gift!

Not Much to Look At

Dear Dr. Love:

I have a boyfriend who works with a very attractive woman. They work very long hours. He treats her very well and at times I find myself becoming overwhelmingly jealous. I am not much to look at and I sometimes wonder if looks are important to him. Should I trust him?

Not Much to Look At

Answer: 

You ask if you should trust your boyfriend. If you are worried about your status in the relationship, you could ask him, 'how are we doing together?' or 'how is our relationship going?' and see what he says. Also, you might privately consider whether he has changed in the way he treats you? Is he looking for excuses not to be with you? Is he suddenly behaving differently?

If your boyfriend seems to be behaving as he always did toward you and he tells you that everything is fine between you both, then we can assume that the issue lies within yourself. So, in order to build up your confidence about the relationship, start by reminding yourself that your boyfriend chose to date you. If he had been married to movie star looks, then he wouldn't have chosen you in the first place. I have often met gorgeous guys who are madly in love with plain looking women. Attraction is much more than skin deep, and a woman who is ugly can actually appear beautiful if she resonates with self-confidence.

It sounds to me as though your self-esteem leaves something to be desired. My goodness, you do put yourself down (I am not much to look at). I have seen absolute dogs who think they are Miss Americas. Do you know what is attractive about you? If you don't know, start making a list. If you need help, ask friends to tell you your attractive points. If you don't soon feel better about yourself, you will be doubting your boyfriend at every turn. (There will always be another pretty colleague that has you worried sick. )

So, work on improving your self-esteem. Every day, remind yourself out loud what is special and wonderful about you. If you don't feel better about yourself in six weeks, contact me again, and we'll go to the next step.

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