True but Sad

Dr. Love,

I was engaged to my girlfriend of two years. People might have thought she was more attached than I was possibly. Not the case however. She ended up leaving me. We have been away from each other for at least 4-5 months. Since then I met a very nice girl which I have been dating for about 1 1/2 months.

I am now finding that I miss my ex dearly, so I broke it off with my current. My ex lives down the street, yet we haven’t even seen each other out. Things ended harshly. We have only a few friends in common, I haven’t said a word about how I still remorse. I need minor advice on how to open the lines of communication, just as friends, to make myself feel better. How would I go about opening communication?

Sad but true

Answer: 

The best way to open lines of communication is to open them. You know where she lives. You know her address. You know her phone number. Choose the mode of communication that suits you best and start talking. Tell her exactly what you told me. That you regret having broken up. That you miss her dearly. That you broke off with the woman you were dating because you can’t see yourself with anyone but her. If this sounds too mushy and you prefer to reestablish a friendship, then, tell her that you miss her friendship and want to be in touch with her again. You could also tell her that you aren’t happy with the way your relationship ended and with the things that were said to each other. Tell her that you are sure that she has feelings leftover that she never told you. Maybe she is hurt or angry by some of the things you said or did. And, tell her that you are open to hearing all about how she feels about how you behaved during the break-up or, for that matter, how you behaved during the relationship.

 Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

How To Listen With The Ears Of Our Hearts

In this episode of Ask Dr. Love radio, I discusses the power of listening to head off and resolve most relationship conflicts.

This week on Ask Dr. Love Radio I explain the link between relationship fighting and lack of listening skills.

“On the road to conflict resolution, listening is the superhighway!”

It there comes as no surprise that listening is nearly absent in conflicted relationships.

Find out why so many couples fall into the “deaf pit” and how we can use our ears to steer clear of most relationship conflicts.

Tune in to Ask Dr. Love radio and find out now to listen your way back to love!

HOW TO LISTEN LIVE: You can tune in to Internet Radio from anywhere

and call in using any kind of phone, including Skype. Use this link to

go to this show's page and listen live:   http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Call into the ASk Dr. Love Show at 1pm (EST) 888-463-6748  

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Reading Between the Sheets

Whenever couples are locked in SexWars, oftentimes non-sexual issues are afoot.

In fact, sexual struggles are often symbolic expressions of fear of intimacy, dependency, abandonment, or loss of control.

It was time for some bedroom detective work. I use my Reading Between the Sheets technique to uncover what sexual insatiability really mean.

To do this, I ask:

• How does he/she feel when he/she didn’t have as much sex as he liked?
• What is he/she missing in the relationship, if anything?
• What is he/she missing within oneself?
• What hole is he/she trying to fill (no pun intended) by having sex?
• How long had the problem been going on?
• What had changed in the couple’s life and relationship?
• Was sex ever good between them? If so, when did it deteriorate?

Reading Between the Sheets is like peeling the layers of an onion. On the first layer, you may well discover that sexual battles often reflect deeper relationship issues that have nothing to do with sex. When we peel off the next layer, we discover that heated sexual conflicts are often fueled by Old Scars from childhood.

To read more at Psychology Today.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

He's Turning You into His Sex Slave

I have a question that I would like your opinion on. My husband has been constantly on my back about the way he wants to have sex.I have to let him fall asleep first, wake him up by performing fellatio on him after our son falls asleep. Lately he will not have sex if I don't do this. Now he requests that I shower and shave right before I wake him. Not that morning, right before. I do have a low sex drive and I take responsibility for that, but these constant 'requests' are getting to me. It is not just once in a while, it is every time. I believe it is a power issue, he says, as his wife I should agree to these 'requests' willingly because 'any other women would do that for her man'. I work a full time job and to be honest around 10:00 at night, I don't feel like going through this routine every time we have sex. We have been together 11+ years. What do you think?

Signed by: 

Tired of being his sex slave

Answer: 

Man, not only do you have to work a full-time job, but then you are expected to give him daily blow-jobs! on your off time--to get him off! Your husband is putting a gun to your head. As you said, he isn't making a request, he is commanding and controlling you. There is something degrading and hostile about his behavior. He's not treating you like a person. On the contrary, he's reducing you to a whore, an object who's only purpose is to serve him.

You say it's a power issue. By this I assume you mean that he is trying to exert his power over you by proving that he can make you submit to his will. This is true! I hope you know that the way he is attempting to control you is terribly hostile. He has to be seething with rage toward you and all women, and, of course, his mother.That's the only feeling that would explain such angry behavior. 

Tell him that he is treating you like an object and ask him if that's how he wants you to feel. I also want him to reflect on why all this is happening now. I am so distressed by what you've said and I'm not confident that the two of you are going to be able to break this impasse without help.

Obviously, your carrying his bad feelings isn't going to heal his wound. . . . and it will ruin the marriage. You're in a very tough spot. He is getting a lot of pleasure out of controlling you and he isn't going to want to give this up. If you continue to give in to him, he'll just feel more and more gratified as you feel more and more controlled and degraded. He isn't going to stop this. Only you can put your foot down. Tell him that he needs to go to couples therapy with you.

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Pulling Away

Dr. Jamie Turndorf helps a young woman whose boyfriend who told her before they had sex that he was not a “fly by night operation.” But as soon as he unzipped his fly, he began pulling away. She wonders how to discuss what’s happening without appearing needy and driving him farther away. AskDrLove.com is the Web's premier love advice site since 1996 with thousands of free relationship advice columns now in modern easy to search and browse formats.

http://askdrlove.com/drlove-advice/pulling-away

Why Am I Urinating When I Orgasm?

Sex therapist Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love) answers the question of a woman who is worried that she is urinating when she orgasms. Search thousands of FREE dating, relationship, and sex advice articles on every imaginable issue, or Ask Dr Love your own question! AskDrLove.com has been Web's premier FREE Relationship Advice site since 1995.

http://askdrlove.com/drlove-advice/am-i-urinating-when-i-orgasm