Weekend Love Quote

“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ” 

― Agatha Christie

Askdrlove.com

Fridays' Love Quote

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” 

― Joan Crawford

Exciting Invitation!

Hi, it's Dr. Love here with a very exciting invitation!

This Wednesday, March 12th  at 12 noon EST, I'll be doing a live Google+  Hangout. We are going to have a fun conversation on Kiss Your Fights Good-bye!

Google Hangouts is like watching a live TV show where you can participate in two ways:

1) If you're on Google+ you can actually join in and be a part of the show! Just click on the link below and click on the YES button on the event invite… you can leave your comments or questions in the comment thread.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/crcqmfdg5p2k85ggu7v1uqibot8

OR

2) If you're not on Google+ you can watch, listen and comment live via YouTube!

Here's the link to watch live on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/bringbackdesire

3) And you can even watch on YouTube from your mobile phone.

How cool is that!

4) If you can't catch the show live, we'll post the event invite link on Facebook so you can watch later when it's convenient for you.

However, it's more fun live… where you can speak to me live and ask me your questions! 

Hope to hang out with you soon!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf( aka Dr. Love)

Iceman

Dr. Love,

Is it possible for me to fall back in love with my wife even though I feel nothing for her right now? She has said and done a lot to crush me and I feel numb now. Can those feelings come back?

Signed by: 

Can My Feelings Come Back?

Answer: 

The numbness you describe is like a psychological anesthesia, a protection so that you can't be hurt any more. And it sounds like your mind is doing you a big favor since your wife has said and done a lot to crush you. Yes, your love feelings can return, but certain conditions are required.

First, you need to feel safe that you won't be destroyed again if you open up. In order to have this assurance, your wife needs to learn how to express her needs and disappointments about the relationship in a less destructive way. She needs to be very focused, not global in her complaints, and coolly tell you what you are doing (behavioral description) and how that behavior makes her feel.

Then she needs to state what you could do to make her feel better. If you listen and understand, there is less danger of her becoming too enraged and saying horrible things. Women often lose it when they don't feel heard and understood.

So, you can protect yourself by: structuring the discussions; listening well to what she says; and aborting discussions that start to heat up, rescheduling for when things cool down. If you find it difficult to manage these discussions alone, it is O. K. to seek help from a good marriage counsellor.

With hard work you can create a more loving marriage in which you feel safe to love.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Cat Nap

One of my fans, left the room while reading my new book. When she returned, her cat was reading the book himself! Finally, he feel asleep with a smile on his face, dreaming happy dreams of loving, harmonious relationships with..mice, I imagine!

Check out my book today!

Why couples in conflict suck at listening

How to Listen with the Ears of Your Heart

Join me today at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio! 

Have you ever noticed that couples in conflict suck at listening?

And did you know that on the road to conflict resolution, listening is the superhighway!

In this show, I’m going to reveal why listening is nearly absent in conflicted relationships.

And why so many couples fall into the “deaf pit?”

In a nutshell, here’s how most couples derail...You have a beef. You try to talk to your partner. Your partner doesn’t listen. You get pissed and up the volume, which only makes your partner more deaf.

Now your "discussion" spins totally out of control. No resolution occurs, which leads you to feel terminally ticked off.

Now you’re really stuck. The next time your hot topic comes up, your partner’s dukes are already up, which means you have even less chances of being heard.

And in no time, you have a major vicious cycle on your hands.

But don’t worry. I’m going to show you how to use your ears to steer your relationship out the skids.

It’s easier than you think to learn how to be a good listener. BUT listening doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a skill that needs to be acquired.

So tune in for my listening crash course, and discover how to listen your way to love.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

If you have miss one of my shows the are available on demand at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love

How To Listen With The Ears Of Our Hearts

In this episode of Ask Dr. Love radio, I discusses the power of listening to head off and resolve most relationship conflicts.

This week on Ask Dr. Love Radio I explain the link between relationship fighting and lack of listening skills.

“On the road to conflict resolution, listening is the superhighway!”

It there comes as no surprise that listening is nearly absent in conflicted relationships.

Find out why so many couples fall into the “deaf pit” and how we can use our ears to steer clear of most relationship conflicts.

Tune in to Ask Dr. Love radio and find out now to listen your way back to love!

HOW TO LISTEN LIVE: You can tune in to Internet Radio from anywhere

and call in using any kind of phone, including Skype. Use this link to

go to this show's page and listen live:   http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Call into the ASk Dr. Love Show at 1pm (EST) 888-463-6748  

ARCHIVED RADIO SHOWS. This show will be recorded and can be found on

BlogTalkRadio.com, AskDrLove.com, and iTunes.

STAY INFORMED!  The best way to keep up with immediate news regarding

radio shows, columns, and special product discounts is to Like my

Facebook page at http://facebook.com/askdrlove, or follow me on

Twitter at: http://twitter.com/askdrlove.

Join me today at 11 am (PST) on Hayhouse Radio

Please join me Today!  For a Live call-in show! US and Canada toll free 1-866-254-1579
Outside dial the US country code then 760-918-4300

Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye with Dr. Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D Discover ten simple steps for cooling conflict and rekindling your relationship with Dr. Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D. Known as Dr. Love, Dr. Jamie Turndorf has been transforming conflict into connection for 30 years. Dr. Turndorf talks with Diane Ray about her groundbreaking techniques featured in her book Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye and how you can apply these methods to stop conflicts in all of your relationships.

Join me tomorrow at 1pm (EST) and kiss your fights good-bye

Are You Ready to Kiss Your Fights Good-bye?

Are fights ruining your relationship?

Are you on the verge of a breakup because of your fights?

Well, have no fear, Dr. Love is here!

My conflict resolution method is just what the doctor ordered.

In this show, I’m going to talk about the most common fight pattern. It’s called the Demand/Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle or Husband Withdrawal for short. And, no, I’m not talking about a natural form of birth control!

Husband Withdrawal refers to the way men distance themselves in order to escape conflict.

Unfortunately, the more a more a man withdraws, the angrier his partner gets, which creates more fighting and more Husband Withdrawal. This vicious cycle is the most common fight pattern among couples and the number one cause of relationship conflict, breakups, divorce and domestic violence.

Don’t worry. I have developed the first proven method for stopping Husband Withdrawal dead in its tracks.

When guys stop withdrawing, they actually want to stick around and resolve conflicts with you, which is easily achieved using my simple step-by-step conflict resolution method.

Tune in to find out how easy it is to kiss your fights good-bye and say hello to a lifetime of lasting love!

Tomorrow, Thursday at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio

"Happy Hour"

1/9/2014 - 7:30pm

Spend your "Happy Hour" this week with Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love), learning how to strengthen your relationships!

Listen Live: http://mix97fm.com/

In Love But Out of Words

Dear Dr. Love,

I have this crush on this guy I like. I've had a crush on him for several weeks now. What my question is, is how do I tell him that I'm in love with him? My feelings are so strong for him. I just need a way to tell him. Please help me solve this!

Answer: 

I don't know if you are at a true loss of words, or whether you are afraid to say what's on your mind, for fear of rejection. If you are simply at a loss for words, then I would say exactly how you feel, minus the four letter word, love.

I'm not saying that your feelings of love are wrong, but, if you voice them on the first round, you could scare the guy away. So, instead, you could say something positive or complimentary to the guy you like. Study his good features and choose one of the features that you like most about him. For example, you might say, 'I wanted to tell you how much I admire your kindness or intelligence, and would like to get to know you better. '

By saying that you are interested in deepening the relationship, you kill two birds with one stone: First, you don't overwhelm the guy with love declarations, which may seem premature since you haven't even started dating! In which case, he could run, as I said already. But, also when you stick your emotional toe in the water, rather than diving in head first, you protect yourself from outright rejection.

So, let this relationship percolate like fine coffee. Begin a friendship, then let that deepen into more. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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It’s Dr. Love here..

As the New Year stretches out before you, have you thought about where you would like to be one year from now?

I mean, do you have specific dreams for your future, your work, yourself and your relationships?

Specifically, do you have what I call a “soul goal?

In my new book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye, I teach you how to be present to those you love, how to listen to them when their feelings are hurt and even when they are angry, and how to speak when we’re angry so that those close to us want to hear and respond to us.

Follow the simple steps outlined in Kiss Your Fights Good-bye and you will soon be fulfilling your highest and most divine calling on earth--to fully love with your entire heart and soul, even in the hard times.

Wishing you a New Year filled with love and peace!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Man that Cheated and Wants His Wife Back

Dr. Love,

I have recently cheated on my wife and the guilt built up so much that I couldn't take it any more so I confessed to my wife. She was hurt real bad and I hurt just as bad for doing this to her, but now I  need to know how do I start the healing process and get the love we had back. It all started with this computer, we started spending all our time on it and not having any family time. I was married but feeling lonely, so the one night stand happened and I couldn't live with it anymore. But now how do I save this marriage?

Thanks from an Airborne Ranger US Army

Answer: 

I commend you for your honesty and think your wife is lucky to have a husband that wants to work on saving the marriage. The best way to begin the healing process is to talk with each other. Allow your wife to share all her feelings with you, positive and negative. Listen and reflect back what you have heard, to show that you have understood. Never, under any circumstances, fall prey to the temptation to justify or defend yourself, just listen and understand.

After the venom has been drained-off, then both of you need to begin honest discussions about what went wrong in the marriage. These discussions shouldn't be a blame game (you did this to me, well you did that to me). In order for these talks to be productive, you both need to engage in honest self-examination and figure out how each of you contributed to the erosion of the marriage.

For example, you spent too much time on the computer, became disconnected from her and had an affair. But, what wasn't working for you in the relationship? What caused you to bury yourself in the computer in the first place? The key here is not to sound like you are pointing fingers at the other. (Well, I wouldn't have buried my face in the computer if you hadn't done x, y, or z. )

I hope you get my point. After you both have come up with honest answers about what was missing in the relationship, then work on correcting these issues and problems. My best wishes to you. If you need further help in healing the relationship, please let me know. You are a wonderful man and an inspiration for all the men out there who have slipped and want to come back.

Husband is married to his mother

Dear Dr. Love:

I am married to a man whose mother has almost no life outside of him. She is totally devoted to him to the exclusion of just about everything -- work, hobbies, friends. Plus, she turns to him for advice on everything from programming the VCR to complex legal transactions. He is an only child whose father left before he was born.

Meanwhile, I have felt more and more encroached upon.He has always defended her actions and now I 'm told that things which transpire between the two of them are none of my business. I have often wished she would go get a life and have made several suggestions.

 Lately, have been considering leaving my husband. Where can I find information or help so I make the appropriate decision?

Signed by: 

Considering Leaving my Husband

Answer: 

You are in a tough situation. It actually feels like your husband is married to his mother and you are the other woman! You beg for his time and attention, but the mistress never has the bargaining power of a wife. Many mothers demand too much of their son's time and attention, but not every husband takes the bait. It is your husband who has the problem.

 You have to take matters in your own hands. First thing, stop nagging him. The more you try to pull him away from her, the angrier he becomes and the more you solidify the bond between them. You have only one solution at this point: Reverse psychology (you know if you can't beat 'em join 'em). Encourage him to spend even more time with his mother and whenever he wants to be with you, you are too busy, have other plans. Let him miss you instead and chase you instead of the other way around. Let him realize what he's missing. Often this type of approach will break the power struggle you are in.

If reverse psychology doesn't get the problem under control, you need to seriously consider if this man can ever give you what you need.

For additional information check out my book   Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict

Sign Up Now>>> To get Ask Dr. Loves Weekly Newsletter

The Anatomy Of Imaginary Relationships

On this weeks Ask Dr Love Radio show I exposed the anatomy of imaginary relationships.

Millions of women fall into the trap of confusing a friend with benefits relationship with a  relationship that has a real future.

Millions of women find themselves trapped in an imaginary relationship without realizing it.

In this show, I exposes the 13 telltale signs that a woman is trapped in a one-sided love affair that has heartbreak written all over it.

If  missed Tuesdays show please turn in tomorrow to Blog Talk Radio !

Dr. Love's Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays available on Amazon

I created an essential holiday survival guide for couples. Based upon my proven and critically acclaimed conflict resolution methods, I show how to steer clear of all the potholes that cause relationships to break down during the holidays. From added financial burdens, to handling the in-laws, to tackling disappointment and neglect, I reveal my secret method for navigating every relationship roadblock. Let me help you ring in the holidays instead of ring each other's throats..Let me guide you to experience true bliss this holiday season and beyond.

My guide is available on Amazon, click this link to see more : http://www.amazon.com/Loves-Couples-Guide-Surviving-Hollerdays-ebook/dp/B00GBMEPVQ/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_tnr_1

How To Get A Man To Open Up To You Emotionally

Do you often wonder what your man is thinking and feeling?

Do you feel like you need a crystal ball in order to know what’s going inside his head?

Have no fear. Dr. Love is here! There is a way to encourage even the most close-lipped guys to start spilling their emotional guts to you.

In order to help your guy talk, you need to understand the three main reasons why they resist doing so.

First: The male gender role itself encourages guys to keep their feelings close to the vest. This vest is more like a straightjacket that demands of men that they behave in a “macho” way by avoiding the appearance of weakness and vulnerability. Instead of talking about feelings, they focus instead on actions, goals and outcomes.

Second: When a man loves you he doesn’t want to hurt you. This is why many men hesitate to say what they’re thinking and feeling because they want to protect you.

Third: Men often feel inadequate when it comes to emotional communication. They are afraid to open up emotionally fraught discussions because they don’t feel able to hold their own verbally. They may also be afraid of facing your own emotional intensity–most especially your anger. Your anger upsets them more than you could ever imagine, especially when they love you and want to make you happy.

Now, that you know the three main reasons why guys resist opening up, let me give you a blueprint for handling each of these three blocks.

In the first case, you can help your guy dissolve the macho armor by reminding him that it takes a lot of courage and strength to face strong feelings. When he does exhibit the courage to put his toe in the water, make sure that you listen without judgment and thank him for sharing. When he feels good about having made this first attempt, he’ll feel braver to wade into deeper emotional waters with you.

In the second case–he’s holding back to protect you–you can help him to open up by reminding him that his silence isn’t protecting you or the relationship. On the contrary, if he doesn’t tell you what’s in his mind and heart, he could easily build up resentment, which can lead to a break up. One way to get him started is for you to ask him to grade how you’re doing as his partner. Ask him once a week what can you do to be a 10? Where are you falling short? Asking for feedback that’s couched in his own goal-oriented language will make it easier for him to start blabbing.

Third, if he’s afraid of the reaction he’s going to get from you when he opens up, it’s your job to learn how to contain your emotions so that you don’t overreact and dump intense feelings (especially anger) on him. If he sees that he can talk to you, and feel heard and not retaliated against, that will invite more and more honest communications from him.

I’ve given a few pointers on how to get even the toughest clams to open up. My book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) will give you a complete, step-by-step, guide on how you can help your guy to open up emotionally. Since emotional disclosure is so highly linked to relationship satisfaction, I encourage you to learn my proven methods today.

Sign up to receive Dr Love's Free Weekly Newsletter!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf, www.askdrlove.com

Ten Tips for a Sizzling Sex Life

Are you on the verge of despair over your sagging sex life?

Even if your sex life is more like a wet blanket, don't give up hope! Read on to discover my appetite-whetting recipe for romance. And fasten your seat belts (and unfasten your chastity belts) because my ten tips are guaranteed to resurrect the sexual dead!

ONE: Love is Blind

When it comes to sex, here is the one case in which you may want to put on those blinders! Sexual pleasure has many dimensions, but the most important sexual organ we have is between our ears—meaning our brain. When one sense is hindered, our other senses -- via the brain -- clamor to compensate. For example, a deaf person has increased sensory awareness -- sight, smell, touch, and vibrations. You don’t have to be deaf or blind to tap into this innate ability of ours and use it to your advantage: Blindfolding your partner increases his/her sensory awareness because he doesn’t know where you are or what you are going to do next. This creates anticipation for better sex -- the tease. Tease your partner mercilessly with sensory objects, such as a feather or your tongue. Start off softly, as this excites nerve endings and makes them far more sensitive. Be careful not to over-stimulate the nerve endings, however, because after a while the neurons stop firing with such intensity and the sensation becomes null and void.

TWO: Give Your Partner a Sex Ed Class

After a while you may think you know how to please your partner in every way, but this is very rarely true. There is always something you haven’t tried, and there is bound to be something one of you always does that could be done differently. If you want to be turned on, leave no sexual stone unturned!

For better sex, have a lesson session in which you don’t think you know it all. Instead, allow yourselves to be at each other's mercy as teacher. Talk about things you haven’t tried, but would like to, then choose one suggestion from each partner, and get down tonight! Don’t lull yourself into thinking that you know what your partner likes, and fall into old habits. Lose this myth and put yourself in the student's chair for a while for better sex you won't regret.

THREE: Get Touchy

Sensual touch and massage is one of the most highly relaxing and sexy things you can do for your partner, which is why I include this in my 10 tips for better sex list. Our bodies are almost without exception tense in some area, if not many areas. This hinders our energy flow -- including sexual energy flow. Imagine a car that has a clogged fuel filter: the fuel (our energy) can’t get to where it needs to go quickly and smoothly, and the car performs inefficiently and ineffectively. Think of a massage as your body’s overhaul creating much better sex overall!

A relaxing sensual massage can unlock the body, creating some very intense orgasms and much better sex. The ability to relax your partner in this way should be high on your list of skills to master. The difference between a deeply relaxing massage and a sensual massage is in the manner of touch -- you don’t want to relax your partner too deeply because you will put him/her into a dead sleep. Raising the dead is what we’re after here, not the other way around.

The key to better sex in this case is to keep the senses alert, but the body relaxed. This means a firm touch, coupled with some sensory feather-light caresses. Once you've relaxed the major muscles -- shoulders and back -- work your way down to the buttocks. Strokes can then start to wander near but not on the genitals. Focus on the inner arms, armpits, inside of the legs and thighs and ear lobes. Don’t forget hands and feet -- there are thousands of nerve endings in our hands and feet that are very sensitive to touch. If you have no idea what a good massage feels like or how to perform one, spend some time in "lesson time" with your partner and learn what you both like or just run your hands all over each other’s bodies -- all over. Don’t rush to put the hot spots on the front burner or you’ll ruin the recipe.

FOUR: Dress for Success

Pretending to be something you're not comes easily to some people, and it can have benefits when done for fun. Stepping out of the role of being "yourself" can be a fun way to give each other permission to behave differently for better sex. Playing the role of someone else during sexual play is a very enjoyable way to give your partner some different sensations, and try things that you haven’t done before. Role playing is a great way to have better sex and to have fun with your partner in a light-hearted but sexy way. It is often the woman who does the dressing up simply because A) They enjoy it; and B) They have the resources of clothes, underwear and makeup – but, guys, don't forget that you can play too.

FIVE: Take a Trip to Fantasy Island

Talking about your fantasies with your partner is a very conducive form of sex play. It increases communication with your partner, which is of great importance. The more you know each other, the better the sex. Yes, you may be surprised by what comes out of your mouths. So keep it light at first and don’t throw each other into the deep end with fantasies about people you both know or reveal fetishes you aren't sure about. Sit back with a glass of wine and keep your clothes on -- for now. Fantasy play can also be incorporated into a game for better sex. Use your imagination, and keep it sexy. Take it in turns and see where it leads you.

SIX: Lay Your Cards on the Table

Get a pack of cards and play strip poker for better sex. It may seem like something you would have done when you were in high school (given the opportunity), but adult strip poker is a good way to get naked. Once you are both naked (or nearly naked), you can start on the really fun part--the winner gets to choose what action will be performed on him/her by the loser. Time limits like one minute on said action means that it is a prolonged game of seduction, which by the end will have you both clamoring to be both the winner and the loser. There are many other games you can play "strip" to, as long as there is a regular winner and loser to reward and punish respectively. The great part about these games is that you can both ask the other person to do something in a certain way that you may not necessarily have ever done before. It can get rather racy, and definitely lead to better sex in the end.

SEVEN: Talk Dirty

I actually object to the term talking dirty, since there’s nothing dirty about sex. But, since everyone knows what this means, I have to bow to the convention. Talking dirty has turned people on for millennia and will continue to do so because it has something other sex play doesn’t: words. Because our brains are our largest sexual apparatus, we respond to the spoken word automatically -- especially when someone says our name. The spoken word evokes emotions and sensations, as well as blood flow to various regions, depending on the topic.

This works very much in your favor when it comes to talking dirty to your lover because women are especially susceptible to what goes in their ears (and I don’t mean cotton buds or ear candles). Talking dirty is truly an art form. But brush up on your skills because bad technique will make you giggle rather than moan!

For better sex, start off easy with neutral topics such as how it feels to be inside her or have him inside you, how much you are enjoying the act and what you would like to do to each other next. Don’t get too carried away, but let the words flow out of you. Dirty talk can be a bit daunting at first, if you are not used to verbalizing these things, so practice. You will see how your partner responds to you. Dirty talk also comes under the "encouragement" category -- when your partner sees that you like something very much, he/she will be more interested in doing it more. The rawness of the sexual passion aroused with dirty talk is why it is so effective. A word to the wise, be careful with swearing too much -- though a good dose of foul language is part and parcel with dirty talk, too much swearing/name calling can be a turn off. Try to stick to positive words, and leave the commonly used insult words out. Guys, watch what you call her body parts too, making sure she can handle it before launching into your tirade of filth. Chances are, the passion from you will ignite hers two-fold.

EIGHT: Try a New Position

You probably already know how to bring your partner to orgasm in two ways. You repeat these regularly because they work -- there's no harm in that. However, if you never, ever try any new positions again, how will you ever know if you’re missing an even better angle? Guys, new positions need a reasonably high level of arousal in your lover, so choose your time to strike a new pose when she is quite obviously feeling very randy.

There is no limit to the number of ways to have sex, so you can use your imagination and come up with as many weird and wonderful inventions as you desire. Simply changing locations can dramatically change the position. For example, on top of the washing machine, on a bench, beanbag or table.

NINE: Give Her a Ring

By give her a ring, I’m not referring to jewelry—although that can definitely get the juices flowing! In this context, I’m talking about cock rings, which slow the drainage of blood from the penis, enabling a man to maintain a harder erection for longer. A very hard penis stimulates a woman’s vagina better than one that is getting soft around the edges. Cock rings are inexpensive and usually nice to look at, and make an interesting male sex toy to add to the collection. Cock rings ensure that a man can maintain the pace without faltering for better sex. This is very pleasing to your partner.

If you're interested in more about the variety of sex toys available for women, check out my article "Five Sex Toys That Get The Job Done."

TEN: Take Your Show on the Road

Sex in a new locale is definitely up there in exciting things to do for better sex. You can take a drive somewhere secluded where you can get a bit risqué. Try a public place (not too public) or simply move to a different room or area in your home -- or even someone else’s home. Choose locales that tickle your fancy. There are a million and one different places to have sex other than your home and in your bed. So use them.

Believe me. The time and energy required to plan your adventures will not only pay off immediately, but will also continue to bear fruit for the long term. Remember, your sexpertise is in your own hands.

To read my full article please click the link below:

 http://www.askdrlove.com/top-ten/ten-tips-sizzling-sex-life  

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Critical Questions To Ask Before You Get Too Close

Do you have a hard time judging a person’s character?

Do you find yourself feeling fooled by people who seemed to be one thing and turned out to be another?

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right or your “Soul Mate” is a two-stage process.  First you have to know who is right for you, which you can achieve by using my free Create-A-Mate guide. But then, you have to find someone who fits the profile you’ve created. When answering your Create-A-Mate questions, you know whether or not you’re being honest and true to yourself and what you truly seek in a mate. But when dealing with another person, you’re confronted with a lot of “fronts,” or walls, blocks and defenses. This means that you’re meeting a person who is on stage performing the role of his/her ideal self. So, you’re only seeing the public face, not the real person behind the mask.

Sadly, people often turn out to anything but who you thought they were. While there is a social necessity for putting on one’s best face, when it comes to choosing a mate, you have to be able to cut through the facade and see beneath the mask. This is easier said than done!

For one thing, every human being has character defenses that formed in childhood and are largely unconscious. This means that most people aren’t even aware that they are hiding behind them!

On top of this, millions of people are sociopaths who make a career out of lying to others. The sociopath’s entire “mo” is to pretend to be someone that he or she is not in order to scam others out of their hearts and homes.

In addition, countless masses of people suffer under self-esteems that are low. These people falsely inflate themselves in order to build themselves up.

Why don’t we see through to the deeper truth? On the most superficial level, many of us choose to see the best in others and give them the benefit of the doubt. But there’s more. Many people are blinded to others’ flaws because their own self-esteems are too low. If we don’t feel worthy of love, then our energy isn’t focused on truly studying the other person because we’re too busy worrying that we won’t be liked and trying to put our own best forward.

If, for whatever reason, we feel emotionally hungry, needy and/or afraid of being alone, we see a relationship as a lifeline. In which case, our energy is spent trying to get hitched to someone, even to the point of pretending to be who someone else wants us to be, rather than focusing on “interviewing” the other to make sure he/she is right.

Last but not least, most people are simply in the dark when it comes to knowing what are the right questions to ask ourselves to determine who is the right kind of partner for us, and second, we don’t know the right questions to ask of prospective partners.

Knowledge is power. When you know the right questions to ask, you'll be empowered to steer clear of people who may be right for someone else but not right for you.

Your goal is to discover how much you have in common with your potential partner. What are you looking for are similarities in financial, sexual, religious, familial and political values, expectations, tastes and preferences.

You will also be looking for similar interests and hobbies, personality traits, emotional communication styles, intimacy needs, problems solving methods, and much more.

Here are the steps you’ll want to take:

Get my Critical Questions To Ask Before You Get Too Close guide and keep rereading the questions until they are very familiar. Now obviously, I don’t want you to grill your intended--he or she is not a steak. So, I don’t suggest serving up a copy of this test between dinner and dessert. However, keeping these questions in the back of your mind while you get to know someone, and then gently and gradually working them into your discussions is just what the doctor ordered. As with the questions I ask YOU in the Create-A-Mate system, what matters most when you’re evaluating potential partners is that you ask the right questions.

I even suggest starting a journal on paper or digitally (word processor, text file, etc.), and writing down your answers to these questions. This will ensure that you’re taking this seriously and being as thorough as possible and not fooling yourself or missing anything.
 

To get your free eBook Critical Questions To Ask Before You Get Too Close: Getting to Know Someone Before You’re in Too Deep, subscribe to my free weekly newsletter , or find out more about all 11 free relationship tests and guides in Dr. Love's Relationship Toolkit  NOW! All my mailing lists strictly follow CAN-SPAM laws to ensure that you can unsubscribe at any time and your information is confidential.

"Long Distance Love: Keeping Things Hot From Afar."

Long-distance relationships are difficult to make go the distance due the fact that physical absence is a lens that magnifies and distorts feelings. When a partner is out of sight, the mind becomes a blank screen onto which we project horror movies that are more like sequels to our past traumas. This causes us to brace for lightning to strike twice. So, for example, if you were cast off in a past relationship, you will be casting yourself as the star of the movie Castaway part two--meaning you will be expecting yet another abandonment.

No need to worry. You can shred the blank screen and turn your mental horror movies into a happy ending love story using my 5 simple steps:

1) Daily Maintenance. When you're not in close physical proximity, you have to go the emotional distance by doing extra daily due diligence. This means you're going to need to give your partner even more reassurances of your love than couples who live together. This will put your "love muscle" in tip-top shape so that when you eventually live together full-time, you'll have the skills to take your love to the finish line.

2) Be Transparent. Make sure that you share the details of your day--especially who you saw or will see. This trick helps you to be more present and real in each others' day-to-day lives and fends off jealousy, which is a common problem in long-distance relationships.

3) Avoid Texting No Nos. Don’t tackle tough topics via text (say that 3x fast!). When conflicts arise, remember you can’t address emotionally fraught topics by text. So get on the phone or Skype and TALK the old fashioned way.

4) Have Sex From Afar. When you’re a long distance couple, it’s easy for your sex life to become an ex life. When you’re randy, here’s where technology comes in handy! Have a Skype slumber Party, but don’t go to sleep. Log on to get your freak on.

5) Long Distance Date.  Just because you’re not physically together, doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t have date nights. Get on the phone and watch a movie together, or cook the same dish together and then share the meal, or even get on the phone or Skype, snuggle up and fall asleep together.

 Check out my recent HLNTV appearance discussing long distance relationships.

I also devoted an entire Ask Dr. Love show titled "How to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Go the Distance," which you can listen to on this site or download to listen at home or on your mobile device. In this show I answer all of the questions below, expand on this 5 step guide in detail, and so much more!

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