Today I am going to share with you a letter I received at my
Ask Dr Love Advice Column.
I am so confused. My boyfriend of 4 years has lied to me about an internet relationship that began over 4 months ago. He says that he has turned to the internet because he has limited friends and I am not around. He has dangled the 'carrot' of living together as an option to marriage since he has two more years of school and lives over 300 miles away .
I became aware of this relationship after he started talking about his ' e-mail buddy' and started knocking the concept of marriage. He said it was harmless and that she called him for 'counsel.' Then they started talking on the phone. I have known for some time that he was a liar but I thought he would not lie to me. He repeatedly stated that there was nothing going on as they live over 1000 miles away. Several days ago my instinct (which is always right) told me to check his e-mail. They had plans to meet. Also, I found that he was having phone sex with this person and two others. Needless to say he was furious that I invaded his privacy (he gave me the password).
He wants to reconcile and even proposed marriage. I don't think I can trust him. My question is ... Do you think this warrants as
cheating?
Signed by:
Do his actions can be called cheating?
My answer:
If you feel cheated upon, then you are being cheated on. Even though he didn't cheat in action, he is making tracks to cheat by making a date to meet with this woman. Plus, he is cheating you out of himself by placing his energy in flirting with and verbally making love to others. Every woman needs to feel that she is her boyfriend's or husband's number one girl. Clearly you aren't feeling this.
What's equally unacceptable is the fact that he lied to you. Let's face facts. If he's so lonely without you, he could get on the horn and talk to you, not some stranger. By making imaginary love with others, he's pushing you away. Yes, he's an intimacy and commitment phobic and a liar.
But enough about him. It's you I'm worried about. You said you knew he lies but never thought he'd lie to you. I'm afraid you've been living in denial here. It feels like some unfinished childhood business is afoot. I get the sense that your unconscious has chosen a man that lies because you are used to being lied to. The unconscious fantasy behind this choice is the wish that this time around you will fix the liar. Isn't this exactly what you said,'I never thought he'd lie to me.' But, he's lying to you about not being involved with someone else. He is planning to meet with his cybersex partner.
At this point, your focus must be on fixing you. If you focus on the question, was he really cheating, you will miss the point entirely. This isn't about him. It's about you and your willingness to talk yourself out of the truth. About your way of pulling the wool over your eyes. About your need to hold on to the fantasy that a liar won't lie to you.
As part of your healing, you will also need to face the fact that you can't fix him. People that lie usually don't want to change their ways. Lying is a pattern that is learned early in life, and it becomes a deep-seated part of that person's personality. It is a coping strategy that is used to avoid pain and escape punishment. And, unless a person experiences great suffering as a result of lying, he or she will rarely give it up. So, you need to assume that he won't stop lying to you. Do not believe words or promises that he will change, unless he makes a behavioral follow-through and gets professional help.
So, focus on understanding what piece of your childhood you are trying to heal. Which parent lied to you? Then, own your fantasy: that you will fix that lying parent and never be lied to again. Next, take a look at reality. Does your partner want to fix himself. Is he making steps to do so? And, if your answer is no, then you will need to face the facts. He will never change and your life will be filled with a series of lies. And, ultimately, you will then need to make a reality-based, not a fantasy-based choice by asking yourself: Do I want to live with someone who will always lie to me? Am I willing to stay with him knowing that he will never change.
The only way you will be able to fully face reality and not live under the fantasy that he will never lie to you is for you to heal your Old Scar from childhood. When that wound is healed, you will no longer wish to fix liars in your adult life. And this man will become a thing of the past!
I hope that my answer clarifies where you are and what you need to do.
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