Very Troubled

Dear Doctor Love:

My live-in girlfriend and I fight very often of late and it seems to me to be over the least little thing! I admit that I can get very irritated at times but it seems that both of our tolerance levels have hit rock bottom. I love her with all my heart but it seems that we are falling apart.

I think it is related to the fact that she just will not let go of past problems. Whenever we fight I swear that she has a satellite link up to a computer with all the things I did wrong catalogued. When we begin to argue she slaps up the past to me and says very mean things. What I would like to know is’ What can I do to make things better so that we can have a life together?’

Signed:

Very troubled

Answer:

Your girlfriend is caught in what I call Fight Traps which are dysfunctional fighting tactics that ruin relationships. Her Fight Traps are: Bringing Up Ancient History and Character Assassination.

When your girlfriend hurls Ancient History in your face, you naturally feel attacked and defensive. In this defensive state of mind, you are unable to listen to what is bothering her. This creates yet another unresolved issue, more anger and frustration on her part, and more crap to be thrown up to you in the future. You are trapped in a major vicious cycle.

There is only one way to break your fighting cycle, and to do this we must derail your girlfriend’s Fight Traps.

1. You need to tell your girlfriend: I know I’ve said and done things to upset you in the past. Unfortunately, I can’t change that. But I can start from now and try to understand what I did and how it made you feel.
2. Next you must guide your girlfriend to focus on one issue–the current one: She must describe the behavior that upset her and state how that behavior of yours made her feel.
3. If she sidetracks onto Ancient History, steer her back to the current issue. As for the Character Assassinations we’ll deal with that later in my answer.
4. Next, listen carefully to what she says is currently bothering her.
5. Repeat back what you heard and ask her if you have understood. Keep playing back what she says until she confirms that you have understood her.
6. Take responsibility for upsetting her. (Remember, her feelings of upset aren’t wrong or right. They are just her feelings and they need to be understood if you want to resolve your conflicts and form a lasting relationship with her.) If you succeed in listening and understanding, she will feel much less angry with you.

Little by little, if you take care of business in the moment, soon there will be no Ancient History to throw in your face.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Join me tomorrow at 1pm (EST) and kiss your fights good-bye

Are You Ready to Kiss Your Fights Good-bye?

Are fights ruining your relationship?

Are you on the verge of a breakup because of your fights?

Well, have no fear, Dr. Love is here!

My conflict resolution method is just what the doctor ordered.

In this show, I’m going to talk about the most common fight pattern. It’s called the Demand/Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle or Husband Withdrawal for short. And, no, I’m not talking about a natural form of birth control!

Husband Withdrawal refers to the way men distance themselves in order to escape conflict.

Unfortunately, the more a more a man withdraws, the angrier his partner gets, which creates more fighting and more Husband Withdrawal. This vicious cycle is the most common fight pattern among couples and the number one cause of relationship conflict, breakups, divorce and domestic violence.

Don’t worry. I have developed the first proven method for stopping Husband Withdrawal dead in its tracks.

When guys stop withdrawing, they actually want to stick around and resolve conflicts with you, which is easily achieved using my simple step-by-step conflict resolution method.

Tune in to find out how easy it is to kiss your fights good-bye and say hello to a lifetime of lasting love!

Tomorrow, Thursday at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio

American Hope Radio

Even if you are locked in battle and have been for years, your relationship can change. Beginning with simple Cool-Down steps, you’ll learn why husband withdrawal occurs and then how to use Climate Control strategies to reset the relationship.

Women will discover the real reason why men never seem to listen,it’s nothing personal and the secret trick that actually makes them want to listen and stick around to settle disputes.  My proven conflict-resolution method interrupts the cycle of fighting for the majority of couples, and can also be used to defuse disagreements among friends and family members.

Join me today at 11 am (EST) on American Hope Radio. I will be discussing my latest book Kiss Your Fights Good-Bye

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love )

It’s Dr. Love here..

As the New Year stretches out before you, have you thought about where you would like to be one year from now?

I mean, do you have specific dreams for your future, your work, yourself and your relationships?

Specifically, do you have what I call a “soul goal?

In my new book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye, I teach you how to be present to those you love, how to listen to them when their feelings are hurt and even when they are angry, and how to speak when we’re angry so that those close to us want to hear and respond to us.

Follow the simple steps outlined in Kiss Your Fights Good-bye and you will soon be fulfilling your highest and most divine calling on earth--to fully love with your entire heart and soul, even in the hard times.

Wishing you a New Year filled with love and peace!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Join Me Today at 1pm EST on Blog Talk Radio

Have you ever wondered why your holidays feel more like World War III?

In this show, I’m going to discuss the real reason why holidays often become hollerdays. It is precisely the stresses of the holidays (extra chores and shopping, money worries, and time spent with families, etc.) that expose our relationship fault lines. Under this pressure our relationships rupture.

Discover how you can take advantage of this time of year to finally resolve the relationship problems that the holidays bring to a head.

Don’t give up. There is hope for a cease fire!

This week I will be joined by special guest Larry James, the NY Times Bestselling author, former Associate Producer of “Mars & Venus,” the nationally syndicated Radio show, and President of CelebrateLove.com.

Listen now to learn our proven tips for turning your "hollerdays" into truly joyous holidays and beyond!

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love)

About Larry James

Larry James is President of CelebrateLove.com. He has been a full-time professional speaker, author and relationship coach since 1987. His purpose is "Helping Others Help Themselves." His "Relationship Enrichment LoveShop" is adapted from his best selling books, How to Really Love the One You're With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship! and LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing! is presented nationally. His newest relationships book is titled Red Hot LoveNotes for Lovers. Larry is also the author of, Ten Commitments of Networking: Creative Ways to Maximize Your Personal Connections.

Blog Talk Radio @ 1pm EST