Why couples in conflict suck at listening

How to Listen with the Ears of Your Heart

Join me today at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio! 

Have you ever noticed that couples in conflict suck at listening?

And did you know that on the road to conflict resolution, listening is the superhighway!

In this show, I’m going to reveal why listening is nearly absent in conflicted relationships.

And why so many couples fall into the “deaf pit?”

In a nutshell, here’s how most couples derail...You have a beef. You try to talk to your partner. Your partner doesn’t listen. You get pissed and up the volume, which only makes your partner more deaf.

Now your "discussion" spins totally out of control. No resolution occurs, which leads you to feel terminally ticked off.

Now you’re really stuck. The next time your hot topic comes up, your partner’s dukes are already up, which means you have even less chances of being heard.

And in no time, you have a major vicious cycle on your hands.

But don’t worry. I’m going to show you how to use your ears to steer your relationship out the skids.

It’s easier than you think to learn how to be a good listener. BUT listening doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a skill that needs to be acquired.

So tune in for my listening crash course, and discover how to listen your way to love.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

If you have miss one of my shows the are available on demand at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love

Do you hear me?

 Do You Hear Me ?!

If this is one of the frequent rants you find yourself yelling at your partner, chances are that it might not be exactly their fault. Here are some methods you can employ to make them more receptive to you.

 Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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Very Troubled

Dear Doctor Love:

My live-in girlfriend and I fight very often of late and it seems to me to be over the least little thing! I admit that I can get very irritated at times but it seems that both of our tolerance levels have hit rock bottom. I love her with all my heart but it seems that we are falling apart.

I think it is related to the fact that she just will not let go of past problems. Whenever we fight I swear that she has a satellite link up to a computer with all the things I did wrong catalogued. When we begin to argue she slaps up the past to me and says very mean things. What I would like to know is’ What can I do to make things better so that we can have a life together?’

Signed:

Very troubled

Answer:

Your girlfriend is caught in what I call Fight Traps which are dysfunctional fighting tactics that ruin relationships. Her Fight Traps are: Bringing Up Ancient History and Character Assassination.

When your girlfriend hurls Ancient History in your face, you naturally feel attacked and defensive. In this defensive state of mind, you are unable to listen to what is bothering her. This creates yet another unresolved issue, more anger and frustration on her part, and more crap to be thrown up to you in the future. You are trapped in a major vicious cycle.

There is only one way to break your fighting cycle, and to do this we must derail your girlfriend’s Fight Traps.

1. You need to tell your girlfriend: I know I’ve said and done things to upset you in the past. Unfortunately, I can’t change that. But I can start from now and try to understand what I did and how it made you feel.
2. Next you must guide your girlfriend to focus on one issue–the current one: She must describe the behavior that upset her and state how that behavior of yours made her feel.
3. If she sidetracks onto Ancient History, steer her back to the current issue. As for the Character Assassinations we’ll deal with that later in my answer.
4. Next, listen carefully to what she says is currently bothering her.
5. Repeat back what you heard and ask her if you have understood. Keep playing back what she says until she confirms that you have understood her.
6. Take responsibility for upsetting her. (Remember, her feelings of upset aren’t wrong or right. They are just her feelings and they need to be understood if you want to resolve your conflicts and form a lasting relationship with her.) If you succeed in listening and understanding, she will feel much less angry with you.

Little by little, if you take care of business in the moment, soon there will be no Ancient History to throw in your face.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Join Me Today at 1pm EST on Blog Talk Radio

If the days ahead have you filled with dread, fear no more!

In this Ask Dr. Love radio show, I explain why millions of people end up broken rather than happy hearted during the holidays. The reason: we unconsciously return home hoping to finally heal our Old Scars and achieve our Happy Endings. When we don’t achieve our Happy Ending, our hearts are broken.

It is precisely by being conscious of your Old Scars that you can free yourself to not repeat the old behavior patterns that re-injure rather than heal you.

It is this same consciousness that will enable you to head-off and even heal longstanding family feuds. As you become the instrument that heals the feuds, you will finally achieve the Happy Ending that your heart has been craving.

Discover how to bring consciousness and reason into your holiday season, using effective and constructive communications that heal yourself and your family!

Tune in to hear my proven plan for turning your family hollerdays into truly joyous holidays and beyond!

This show features special guest Rick Tamlyn, Master Certified Coach and developer of The Bigger Game, a tool that inspires executives, leaders and everyday people to get out of their comfort zones and invent the life they want.

Blogtalkradio.com

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