Jealous Pair

Dear Dr. Love:

I have been dating a girl for about a year and a half. I love her with all my heart. I am in my first year of College and she is a senior in high school. She is a very flirtatious person, and I was getting jealous of nothing, to the point we couldn't carry on real conversations because we were both constantly wondering what was going on behind each others back.

A few weeks ago, we decided the best thing would be for us to see other people on the side, without changing anything between the two of us. She still claims to love me as much as she always has, but it doesn't seem like that could be possible, seeing as she is with two guys other than me. Granted they aren't as serious as she and I, but still.

I 'm not seeing anyone, but I did cheat on her before we set up this deal and never told her. I want to save what we have, because I think it's really worth it.

I have a couple of questions. One, is seeing other people more destructive than helpful. Two, is it possible she does love me as much as she says? And finally, how can I keep us together?

Signed: Jealous Pair.

Answer: 

You asked me three questions. Before I answer any of them, we have to talk.

First of all, both you and your girlfriend are drowning in jealousy--and it sounds like with good reason. She fears that something is going on behind her back, and it turns out you cheated on her even before you set up the 'New Deal. 'So, she had reasons to mistrust.

You were jealous of her constant flirting. And, you had reasons to mistrust her because now she is seeing two other guys. There are too many unknown variables here.

For starters: why are you both flirting and cheating? Both of you seem terrified of becoming close with another person. Behind the flirting and cheating often lies the fear of closeness; and the behind the fear of closeness often lurks the fear of abandonment. (If I let you close to me and you dump me, I'll be destroyed. )

Both of you seem be be trying to get a jump on the storm: I'll cheat on her before she cheats on me. I'll flirt with and date other guys before he has a chance to dump me. Both of you decided to open the relationship to other people. What were you hoping to solve by doing this? By diluting the relationship in this way, it feels like you are both escaping the real issue.

Why are you both so terrified and mistrustful of love? To answer this question, you need to do some emotional homework and find out where these insecurities originate. Both of you have been hurt and don't trust love. You need to figure out where these hurts stem from and talk about these fears with each other.

In answer to your first question, can your girlfriend truly love you, yes she can love you, but if you don't deal with these fears of closeness, the love may become buried by unresolved emotional issues.

Secondly, in answer to the question, is seeing other people more destructive than helpful, if you both are dating others in order to avoid intimacy, I think you begin to see that by doing so you are not solving the real issues. Also, by dating other people, there is the risk that the abandonment fears and jealousy reactions will become more intense.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

Unhappy Hooker

Lately my boyfriend has been into a kinky game. He wants me to dress up like a hooker and pretend that he is one of my clients. This offends me to no end, but he won't stop.

 Please help, Dr. Love.

Answer: 

You both are experiencing a value conflict. He is turned on by the thought of your playing his hooker, meanwhile you find the prospect of doing so offensive. His sexual values aren't any more right than are yours. The problem is that your values clash.

If you give in to him, you will feel offended, and if he tries to deny his desire to role play with you, then he will be annihilating an important part of himself. The problem with value conflicts is that there is no real way to compromise. That would be like asking someone to be a 'little 'Catholic. When couples experience a value clash, all they can do is respect their differences and come up with a plan of attack that embraces both partners 'values.

I have the sense that we are dealing with more than a simple value conflict here. I think that his request has hurt your feelings and made you think that he isn't satisfied with you as a sexual partner. The fact that he isn't being responsive to your feelings, just adds to your feeling unimportant to him. I wonder if you feel sure of his love and commitment to you? If not, then this hooker game may actually be triggering deeper feelings of insecurity about him and the relationship. I think that he may not be communicating how much he cares for you and wants you and only you. If he were able to give you the 'right 'feeling, then I wouldn't be surprised to find that you would feel differently about this game.

Try to work on his learning how to communicate his warm and loving feelings, and make sure to address and resolve all the issues in your relationship that leave you feeling insecure about him. When you feel stronger about him and the relationship, you may find that you feel less threatened or offended by playing the game. I think that you might also feel less offended by his request if you were able to understand what might be motivating his behavior.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Jealous Junky

I have a big problem. I know that my girlfriend isn't cheating on me but I 'm so jealous if she even looks at another guy. Then I start asking her all kinds of questions. I've even started checking up on her and following her. Things have gotten so bad we 're having nightly scream fights over this. Why can't I shake this jealousy?

Jealous Junky

Answer: 

There are lots of reasons why you might be hanging on to jealousy. To get past this problem you will have to admit to yourself that your jealousy is a smoke screen for fear: What are you afraid of? Getting dumped? Do you find yourself thinking, 'She'll find someone else and leave me?

'If your answer is 'yes' then we need to find out where this fear stems from. Did someone dump you or threaten to dump you when you were a kid? If this is so, it is understandable that you would have the feeling that your girlfriend would want to drop you.

From now on, instead of flying into jealous fits, admit your fear and ask your girlfriend for reassurances that she loves you. This will bring her closer to you. On the contrary, your jealous fits will push her away and make your worst fears come true.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Do you hear me?

 Do You Hear Me ?!

If this is one of the frequent rants you find yourself yelling at your partner, chances are that it might not be exactly their fault. Here are some methods you can employ to make them more receptive to you.

 Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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A Desperate Girl

I want to ask you one thing. How can I forget about this boy if I have to see him everyday? We are very very good friends, and many a times the dividing line is quite blur. One day I realize I am in love with him, but it is  to late. I  know that he is secretly in love with another girl.  I encourage him to go further and then he succeed. He dates the girl for 3 months and then they broke up. But I know he cannot forget about her.

But I can't forget about him. We are always together,at school,  at night on phone. One thing you need to know is that, I told him how I feel. He  said that I am his very important friend and that 's it. I told him when he was still dating the other girl. I cannot forget him. I know that it isn't not worth me to waiting for him endlessly. How can I forget him?

A desperate girl

Answer: 

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from unrequited love. This is one of the most painful experiences in life. I think your pain is all the greater because you are so close to your love and see him every day. I can't help but wonder why you encouraged him to date this other girl. Were you thinking that he would never be your boyfriend anyway, so why not encourage him to date someone else?

It feels like you live with a sense of defeat. . . and that when you encouraged him to date the other girl, I sense that you did so because you felt hopeless to win his love. Then, while he was dating her, you declared your love for him. When he refused you, your sense of defeat heightened.

I wonder where your feeling that you can't ever be loved by the one you love began? Did you feel unloved or unwanted as a kid? If so, your unconscious mind would feel defeated, hopeless and unworthy of love. To heal yourself and your broken heart, please find out where this feeling comes from. Watch how your mind unconsciously may arrange to keep you feeling this way (we all are creatures of habit and will keep ourselves in familiar pain).

Watch how you may drive love away so that you can feel even more hopeless (again familiar pain). If you are ready to break this pattern. Then, I would take an active stand with this guy. I would not act defeated, I would tell him one more time that you are interested in being his girlfriend. If he says again that it won't work, ask him why he is so sure, and make him explain his doubts. If he seems too firm to budge, then I would stop putting so much energy into a relationship that makes you feel so heartbroken and defeated.

I spend more time with other people, including other guys. Hanging around exclusively with someone that isn't interested in you will only make you more desperate and defeated, and it will also strengthen this feeling inside you that you can't have the love you desire. Your self-esteem will drop lower, you will feel more depressed and undeserving, and your chances of receiving another love down the road will be diminished.

So, be active and, if you don't get the response you wish, then put more energy into other, more fulfilling friendships and relationships. No one is supposed to be in a relationship that feels emotionally depriving and diminishing to the self. Your love should be returned with equal enthusiasm. 

Very Troubled

Dear Doctor Love:

My live-in girlfriend and I fight very often of late and it seems to me to be over the least little thing! I admit that I can get very irritated at times but it seems that both of our tolerance levels have hit rock bottom. I love her with all my heart but it seems that we are falling apart.

I think it is related to the fact that she just will not let go of past problems. Whenever we fight I swear that she has a satellite link up to a computer with all the things I did wrong catalogued. When we begin to argue she slaps up the past to me and says very mean things. What I would like to know is’ What can I do to make things better so that we can have a life together?’

Signed:

Very troubled

Answer:

Your girlfriend is caught in what I call Fight Traps which are dysfunctional fighting tactics that ruin relationships. Her Fight Traps are: Bringing Up Ancient History and Character Assassination.

When your girlfriend hurls Ancient History in your face, you naturally feel attacked and defensive. In this defensive state of mind, you are unable to listen to what is bothering her. This creates yet another unresolved issue, more anger and frustration on her part, and more crap to be thrown up to you in the future. You are trapped in a major vicious cycle.

There is only one way to break your fighting cycle, and to do this we must derail your girlfriend’s Fight Traps.

1. You need to tell your girlfriend: I know I’ve said and done things to upset you in the past. Unfortunately, I can’t change that. But I can start from now and try to understand what I did and how it made you feel.
2. Next you must guide your girlfriend to focus on one issue–the current one: She must describe the behavior that upset her and state how that behavior of yours made her feel.
3. If she sidetracks onto Ancient History, steer her back to the current issue. As for the Character Assassinations we’ll deal with that later in my answer.
4. Next, listen carefully to what she says is currently bothering her.
5. Repeat back what you heard and ask her if you have understood. Keep playing back what she says until she confirms that you have understood her.
6. Take responsibility for upsetting her. (Remember, her feelings of upset aren’t wrong or right. They are just her feelings and they need to be understood if you want to resolve your conflicts and form a lasting relationship with her.) If you succeed in listening and understanding, she will feel much less angry with you.

Little by little, if you take care of business in the moment, soon there will be no Ancient History to throw in your face.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Woman Falling For Her Ex Boyfriend's Best Friend

Dear Dr Love,

I am in the middle of a break up with my boyfriend. I have moved on but I'm not sure he has. This would be difficult enough but I have a larger problem. I am very attracted to his best friend. It is more than physical attraction, I'm attracted to who he is. I sense that his friend is attracted to me but afraid to do anything about it. His old girlfriend is now dating his friend so he knows the pain this sort of situation can cause.

How long should I wait before I confront him or should I confront him at all? I don't want to hurt either my old boyfriend or my new love interest. Can this work out at all?

Sincerely, 

Woman falling for her boyfriend's best friend

Answer: 

Yes this can work out. The fact that you are so sensitive to your boyfriend and new love interest's feelings is wonderful. And, because of this sensitivity and caring, you should be able to move forward with the man of your choice, and do so in a sensitive way.

Here's how. You talk to your ex. , and tell him: 'Since we are no longer dating, I was interested in dating your friend so and so. I had the feeling that this might hurt you and I wanted to talk with you about it first. ' You give him an opportunity to share all his feelings, listen and understand. After this is done, then, get on with your life.

In other words, your job is not to take care of your ex. to the exclusion of your own needs. You must take care of and honor yourself first. In handling the matter the way I suggest, you don't simply roll over your ex. , you listen and respect his feelings. . . but at the same time you don't roll over yourself by denying your own desires. As for the new love interest, you can also be direct with him and say, 'I know that you know how painful it is when a best friend dates your former lover. I am interested in getting to know you better. . . would your friendship with so and so (your ex. ) stand in our way?'

 Dealing directly and addressing not running from the feelings is the trick to navigating this emotional minefield.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love )

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How To Be Happy No Matter What

Is  your happiness tied to what goes on around you? I mean, does your mood take a nosedive when life around you isn’t going perfectly, when someone says something hurtful or nasty to you, when you are in conflict with your partner or when you are without a partner?  

Get ready to meet Cindy Teevens who discovered the way to stay happy no matter what goes on around her.

Join me to discover how you can create radical inner peace and happiness no matter what’s going on around you, Tuesday, January 14th,  1pm (EST)   on Talk Zone Radio:  http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Woman Who Can't Let Go of Ex.

Dear Dr. Love,

I was recently involved in a brief relationship. The relationship was trouble to begin with but I continued seeing the guy. He treated me horribly, but I put up with him. Finally we broke up technically I dumped him, but emotionally he dumped me. I know he meant a lot more to me than I did to him. I'll probably never see him again, but I'm having trouble letting go. I can't stop thinking about him. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm over him, but I'm only fooling myself. How can I let go and move on with my life?

Answer: 

Whenever we can't let go of an ex. , (or whenever emotions nag at us for days on end) we are dealing with unfinished childhood business. In your case, it sounds like you were abused as a kid, and your mind has drawn you to an abuser in an attempt to heal the old wound. You may think, how can being abused once again heal me? It can't. But, our minds, left to their own devices, only know one way to try to heal us. To recreate the abuses of childhood and engage us in the futile process of attempting to make the abuser change and finally love and appreciate us.

And, here's why it's hard to give up an abuser. There is such a burning hope to make this old wound right, that the mind is actually addicted to hanging on to that abuser in the hope that one day he will treat you better. Giving up the abuser, then, becomes a terrible torture and feels like giving up the hope of ever healing the original wound.

The only way around this type of problem is to go into individual or group therapy were you will develop new, non abusive relationships. At the same time, recognize that until this problem is healed in therapy, you will be drawn to abusers and find it hard to give them up. When you experience better, loving treatment in therapy, you will heal and you will develop a model for the kind of relationship you deserve in your life. Until  work this out, it is safer to give outside relationships a rest. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf( aka Dr. Love)

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Woman in Love With Older Man Who Has Cold Feet

Dear Dr. Love:

I am dating a man who is 44 years old while I am 21. He is divorced and has two boys. One of which lives with him. I cannot have children due to health problems. I really enjoy being with and doing things with him. I have dated a lot and a lot of different kinds and he is the first one I have dated who meets all of the criteria for me. I fear though that the age difference is hard for him to deal with. He is scared that I will meet someone younger and want to be with them or something like that. I have tried to tell him though, I have dated younger men and they are (for the most part) immature and do not want long lasting relationships. The age difference does not matter to me. Should I pursue this relationship any further. Do you know of any relationships that have worked when there is such a big age difference.

Answer: 

You asked me if you should pursue this relationship. You really need to ask your lover this question. (Should I feel like giving up on us. Is that what you want me to feel?). In answer to your other question, yes, a relationship with a large age difference can work out fine, provided the couple is compatible.

Let's backtrack a second and make sure that your lover isn't using this age issue as a smoke screen for another issue. In other words, would he be frightened of commitment if you were his age? Would he be afraid of your leaving him for another man if you were his age? I would ask him these questions and see if he can discover whether he actually suffers from a fear of abandonment. I would also ask him to be more specific about why he thinks the age difference could result in your leaving him one day. Make him talk openly. Is he afraid that he wouldn't be able to perform sexually and that you would be forced to seek satisfaction elsewhere?

Find out what other fears he has and talk them through. This should help

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

36 and Waiting Patiently

Dear Dr. Love,

I am 36 years old and been dating a 36 year old guy for 7 years.We truly love each other and he told me he even talked to a couple about great honey moon spots.My question is how long do you wait for the one you love to ask you to marry him? We can’t stand the thought of not seeing each other, but yet if I even hint at talking about things, he says lets not get into that right now. I know he loves me but he also needs a lot of time alone, which I don’t require much of. It is hard to not think about it and talk about it so What DO I DO? Please help out if you can!

36 and Waiting Patiently

Answer:

Notice that your friend brought up, on his own, the question of good honeymoon spots. So, we know where his mind is ranging. Since he is moving more and more toward commitment, the best thing for you to do is to bite your tongue and not mention the subject. My point is simple. Every time you bring the subject of marriage up, even if you utter only the slightest hint, it sends him back a few steps. So, hang back or you’re going to be past menopause before the guy pops the question.

Instead of nudging him for commitment,  actually take on his fears and voice them as if they were his own. Knowing him, you probably can figure out what his fears are (no freedom, no privacy). Whatever you think his fear is, voice it yourself. You might say, ‘I can see why people would hesitate to marry, how can they have enough time for themselves. ' By going along with his resistance and extending upon it (Extension Joining), you will actually help dissolve it. Remember, if you buck the resistance head on, with pressure tactics, the resistance gets stronger. Now, all the while you’re joining his fears, by all means set an end date for yourself, after which you won’t wait anymore, just to keep yourself from going insane or panicking that this waiting will never end.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Totally Lost

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been going out this my boyfriend for over a year and a half. I do love him with all of my heart. I am in my second year of college. I moved away from him to I could attend the college that I have always wanted to. But since I have moved away, I have found someone else that I also want to be with.

The long distance relationship is really taking it's toll on me and I don't know what to do about this situation. My boyfriend knows that I am friends with this other guy but he doesn't know that I want to be with him. I have only been in two relationships and I feel that I need to have some more experiences before I decide to get married. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend that I need sometime to figure things out and decide what would be best for me. Can you help me at all?

Totally Lost

Answer: 

You asked me to help you find the right words to tell your boyfriend that you need some time. But, in your letter to me, you expressed your wish for some breathing room so beautifully that it I don't think that you need help on 'how to tell 'your boyfriend about your need for space.

I think that your perceived 'block 'for the right words covers a deeper conflict: I don't think you're 100% sure that you want to tell your boyfriend that you need time out. What might be holding you back? Are you are afraid to hurt him? Are you afraid that your boyfriend may be Mr. Right and that, if you discover that you are correct after having taken a time out, he may not be willing to take you back?

Try to put your finger on your emotional pulse and identify what the real conflict is. Once you do, it will be easier for you to move forward and make the right choice for you. Good luck.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love)

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Crazy Over Talk of the Ex.

Dear Dr. Love,

I have never been in love before I met Scott. I have only had flings with no feelings involved. We have been together for a year in November and we are currently living together. I know everything about his ex girlfriend.

The problem is he always brings up his ex jen. He was with her for three years and they ended thing on good terms. He calls her every now and then just to see how she is. I think thats great! She has her own man and she asks about me.

I just bothers me when we're out having fun and he brings her up. Like he will say ' Oh jen used to drive a car just like that ' . He means no harm, but he has said so many little things about her that it's driving me crazy. She pops in my head all the time.

Please help me find some kind of peace. Should I talk to a shrink? PLEASE HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Answer: 

When you say that you are crazy over talk about your boyfriend's ex. , I assume that beneath this distress is the feeling of insecurity. (Maybe he doesn't love me enough? Maybe he wants to return to her? And so on). The fact that you avoided emotional intimacy in your previous relationships and only had 'flings' makes me wonder if you are afraid to really give yourself to someone else for fear that he will abandon you. If I am correct, then your boyfriend's talk of his ex. would stir up all sorts of abandonment fears.

So, look into this question and see: if it fits with your history; and whether I have detected an Old Scar that needs healing. Now, once you are able to separate your issues from the equation, I think you will be able to see that this man you're with is a lovely person that never turns his back on old friends and lovers. And, the survivor in you has probably been drawn to him because you sensed that he would stick by ( as opposed to abandon) you.

Beware of personalizing his behavior and assuming that it is a reflection of his feelings (or lack of feeling for you). This man is being himself, and I think you are getting worked up because you are inserting your own history into the equation (someone abandoned you before and you are afraid it will happen again). So, do some self-exploration and you should feel less distressed.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)

In Love, I Think....

Dear Dr. Love:

I have been dating this guy Jeramy for only a short time, but we have known each other since we were very young. . . I recently lost my virginity to him, and I am very much so thinking twice about whether I should have. . . I care for him a lot.

He is now talking about getting married and having children. He wants to quit using protection while having sex because he wants to have kids. I don't know quite what to think of this. He is about 4 years older than me and he is graduated from High School. I am going to only be a senior in high school, and don't want the hassle of children until at least the time I graduate.

I would love to go further in our relationship, but I am not sure if he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I do love him very much. . . don't get me wrong, but I just don't know what to think. . . Please help me out. . . I'm very lost!!

Thanks, 

IN LOVE. . I THINK. . . .

Answer: 

When you say, 'I don't know what to think,' this doesn't sound like an accurate statement to me. In fact, it sounds like you are quite clear on what you do and don't want and what you do and don't think. It also sounds to me like you don't feel entitled to stand your ground and hold to your position. How come you need to present yourself as being confused? Like there is something wrong with your brain. Why not call this situation the way it is: Your boyfriend is trying to pressure you into doing what he wants and doesn't seem to respect your position.

This is your body and you are more than entitled to say that you don't want unprotected sex or children right now. It sounds like this guy is pushing you to go against your inner guidance. If he loves you, he should be listening to your needs. And, please don't fall into the trap that many females do: Surrendering your self to a man in order to keep his love. If he loves you, he will wait for kids. What's the big hurry?

And, likewise, if he loves and respects you, he will give you whatever assurances you need to comfortably engage in unprotected sex. For example, has he given you assurances that he is HIV negative? If not, how dare he ask you to risk your body? So, stick to your guns. Don't allow this man bully you into going against your convictions. You know exactly what to think.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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Mr. Unable to Date

Dear Dr. Love I hope I can get your opinion on this...

Every time I try to find someone to date, they think I'm really nice and want to continue the relationship but after just two or three dates they suddenly pour out all of their difficulties, complications and problems and I suddenly feel overwhelmed.

I feel pressured like I'm expected to be their savior!

For some strange reason, I still continue to date them but they sense the discomfort I have about this and they leave as suddenly as they had turned up - this really upsets me!!

Excuse my inexperience, but is this normal??

Am I expected to give when I'm not even sure if its just to use me?

I personally have been through a whole lot myself. Grew up in a family where my dad was never around and my mom did not offer much emotional support. When growing up I was constantly criticized although I did a lot better than most kids, was always compared to the better and made to feel bad about myself.

This made my self-esteem really drop to record lows - I'm 24 and I did not start dating until I was 21 because of this. My first date came about because someone thought I was 'cute' and pursued me. . . that lasted 10 days!!

 Mr. Unable to date

Answer: 

I understand what's happening with you.

The wounded person inside you identifies with the hurting person in others. Your level of identification causes the other person to feel understood by you. And, in no time, they are spilling their emotional guts to you.

In many ways, what's going on with you is not different from the rescue fantasy syndrome. All rescuers are actually wounded souls themselves. And, when a rescuer care takes to another wounded soul, his unconscious mind identifies with the person that he is caring for.

Through the process of unconscious identification, the rescuer hopes to heal the wounded person inside himself. This is what's going on inside you. You want to be healed and rescued from your pain.

So, your unconscious mind arranges to get your partner to talk about her pain and then you fall into the care taking mode. But, the process isn't working. You aren't feeling healed!

As you and all rescuers soon discover, hoping to receive healing by care taking others never works. This is because the caretaker soon feels used, angry and depleted. As you have learned the hard way, by constantly feeding and care taking other wounded souls, you don't fill the void or heal the wounds in yourself, you just feel emptier.

So, here's the deal. In order for you to break free of this pattern. You need to own your own wounds and work through the feelings attached to them. Then, you won't need to try to fix your wounds through others and will be able to form a relationship that isn't based on an unconscious hidden agenda.

So, become acutely aware of your tendency to rescue and care take. Watch yourself like a hawk and resist the temptation to go there. At the same time heal yourself.

All the best.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love )

How to Make Our Lives Mesh

Dear Dr. Love:

Hi, I'm very interested in this guy I know, I've had a crush on him for about a year. The problem is, we are both shy and although we are great together, our lives don't coincide very well. He has a strong christian background and is a stay at home type. I'm atheist and love to party. I don't know if we can make it work because we aren't together yet. Do you have advice on how I can get over any shyness, and maybe some advice on how to make our lives easier to mesh together? Thanks for your time.

Answer: 

 Can you make your lives mesh better, this is a complex issue. It appears that you and your boyfriend do not share similar values on several different topics (religion, leisure pursuits). I want you to know that research shows that couples who are the most homogamous (similar) in tastes and values are the most maritally satisfied, and if couples are too different in too many areas, great friction occurs. When couples are in conflict over differing values, the problem is complicated by the fact that negotiation is not possible where values are concerned.

For example, how can we ask a partner to negotiate on religious values? Values are the person, and asking a person to modify values that are central to him or herself is like asking the leopard to change its spots. It doesn't work and the leopard will fight like hell if you try. So, I think you need to honestly examine whether you two are right for each other. The examination can be a painful process, but it can save you years of unnecessary heartache, and a possible union that won't work.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Unsure

Dear Dr Love,

I recently ended an eight year relationship about six months ago. We lived together for six. It ended when he cheated on me. I've been seeing this new guy and I feel I'm really ready for a committed relationship with him. However, many of my friends think that it is too soon for me too move into a new romance. What do you think?

Unsure

Answer: 

Since you say that you are really ready for a serious relationship, then why are you feeling unsure? How come you feel the need to allow others to dictate to you on your actions? Others aren't living in your skin, so how can they presume to tell you how to live?

There are no rules about how soon is too soon to start over. All that matters is that you are listening to your heart and making good decisions for yourself--not for your friends--for yourself.

Is it possible that you are hiding behind your friends' doubts? That is, do you have doubts of your own that you are afraid to admit to yourself? Are your friends merely voicing your own secret doubts? Are you afraid that this man will cheat on you like the last one did? Examine this question, and if you find that you still feel clear and ready, then follow your heart.

If you decide to become more serious with this man, I wish you every happiness.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love )

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Love or Lust

Dear Dr. Love,

I misinterpret the signs of love or desire with the signs of sexual gratification and find it difficult to distinguish them apart. Do you have any suggestion of how I can tell them apart?

Love or Lust

Answer: 

Many people confuse sexual attraction with true romantic love. The reason for this is because, romantic love includes feelings of sexual attraction. But, there is much more to true love than simple sexual feelings.

The main way to distinguish true love from simple sexual desire is: TIME. True love lasts more than three or four months, and often lasts indefinitely. True love is based on a long-standing satisfaction with the companionship of the other person. True love includes an attraction to the other person's personality, an attraction which usually lasts indefinitely. True love includes the desire for association, which often remains indefinitely. True love fuels ongoing sexual interest. Frequent contact strengthens your attraction to the other person. Your feelings grow and blossom over time. Your feelings persist.

I hope I have helped clarify the difference between love and lust for you. And, I hope that, after reading my list, you realize that you have found true love.

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Girlfriend Cheated on Me with a Lesbian

Today I am going to share with you another letter I received at my Ask Dr Love Advice Column.

Five days ago, my ex broke up with me and confessed to cheating on me with another girl. She thinks she could could be lesbian and wants time alone to figure it out. She said that we might be able to work it out. It was so sudden, it left me in shock and heart broken. Iv always put her first and did my best to make her happy. I love her. She says she still loves me. But i kinda feel like she is playing games, just to keep me there. Honesty I don't what to do or how to feel. Its a conflict inside. Should i wait and hope we can work it out? Or walk away and prevent further heartbreak from her? I love her so much, but I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

Signed by: 

emotional damage

Answer: 

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re being put through.  

I noticed that you didn’t say that you felt her foray into lesbian territory is driven by a genuine need to determine if she’s bi-sexual or not.

On the contrary, you said that you feel like she’s playing games with you. Are you saying that she’s pretending to be gay, just to have the fun of playing the field? Or are you saying that she’s playing games to get you jealous? To build up her ego?

How you feel about her actions is significant. If you feel like you’re being played, you’re being played.

By the way, Freud said that all humans are bi-sexual by nature. This means we can naturally swing either way. Once we form a monogamous relationship, we choose to commit to that person and close the doors to other options. That doesn’t mean that you don’t continue to feel attractions to others, both male and female. You just choose to not act on these attractions so as to not rupture your relationship.

What she’s doing is not considerate of you. She’s gratifying her wishes to screw around. The net effect is a giant screw you. 

The bottom line is this: she doesn’t get to play around on you. Since you said you don’t want to feel the pain any more, you’re going to need to step away from her.

You can tell her that she can play around all she wants, but she can’t have you at the same time. When she figures out what she wants, she can contact you. If you’re single, you can see how you feel about giving her another shot. I would be very, very wary of trusting her again.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt like this.

Promise me that you won’t allow her actions to cause you to doubt your manhood.

Research shows that the majority of women who become lesbians do so because of having been sexually molested in the past.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing.

Related Advice Columns

• Messed Up, Still Want Him Back
• Getting Over His Past
• Totally in Lust with Another Guy
• I Think I Messed Up.....
• Should I Leave my Man or Make it Work?
• Does She Really Like Me? Or is She Just Playing Me?
• Depressed Boyfriend
• Wounded Man