Dateless

Dear Dr. Love:

 I feel like I am different than many people on your column, because I rarely can get dates. I am somewhat picky but often like several people in one year.

I am 37 and have spent most of the last 15 years alone. I don't know what's wrong, I think I am fairly pretty, definitely cute, a little overweight. I know also that in my childhood my father left for a very pretty woman, and my mom and I were left alone.

Since she looked like me, and I thought the other woman was prettier, and since my father was very handsome, I felt that you had to be very pretty to get a date. However, I am ready to change this attitude and I am tired of being alone.

Any help? Thanks.  

Signed by: 

Dateless

Answer: 

Dear Dateless You are very insightful and actually have your problem figured out. You have a mindset that says pretty women get the guy. Your own history has proven that to be so. And, since you never felt as pretty as the girl who stole your daddy's heart, you have it figured that you aren't worthy of finding your Mr. Right, let alone a date.

The question is how do you break free of this cycle?

You really need to reprogram your mind. There are many ways to do this. You can do cognitive therapy. You can do hypnosis, which is designed to literally alter your neuro associations.

You can also try self-affirmations, which is like self-hypnosis. With self-affirmations you are actually reprogramming your mind all by yourself. To do this you reiterate positive statements to yourself. The idea is to replace your current views with healthier ones.

Note that all affirmations are stated as 'done deals' meaning you don't talk about what you want to have in the future, but rather speak as though what you desire has already occurred. For example you might say: I am swamped with dates.

You might also create affirmations that counteract your belief that only knock-outs get dates. This affirmation might sound like, 'I am attractive enough to interest many different men.' Post your affirmations on the fridge and on the bathroom mirror, and say them out loud in the morning, throughout the day, and before bedtime. Then, sit back and start numbering your dates.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Insecure With Good Reason

Dear Dr. Love,

I live with my boyfriend. He is in Sales. Which means he is a busy man. He got relocated for work and we both had to move to a state that we were not happy with. Things were fine for a while but each of us carried a lot of stress because of both work and changes in living, money.

It has been a couple of months and he has decided to start staying overnight. (He never did before as OFTEN). He never tells me where he is going what he is doing etc. . . Last Night he left for the night (on business) well number 1: he calls at midnight. number 2: I try to page him right after we hang up and he doesn't call back. number 3: I wake up in the morning and try it again. . . . . . . . no response. Now, he always has his pager on him. And don't you think he should tell me what hotel etc. . . ???? I mean what if I was in trouble.

I guess what I 'm worried about is: is he cheating on me??? Please help me it's effecting me day & day. Am I being insecure??? He comes home tonight: what should I do?? I really love this man. Thanks.

Answer: 

You have every reason to worry. Your boyfriend's behavior is suspicious. You need to ask him straight out if he is seeing other women. And, if he says, 'no, 'I wouldn't be so quick to believe him since you suspect that he lies.

Next, you need to find out why you are drawn to a lover who leaves you feeling this insecure. I suspect that in your early life, a mom or a dad abandoned you or you watched one of your parents being abandoned over and over. In either case, you got the message that being in love means trembling in fear of abandonment. It feels to me like some unfinished business is playing out here. You need to find out what this is. Unless you do, this boyfriend will always leave you standing by the phone.

And, if you end this relationship, you will find another boyfriend who leaves you feeling just as insecure. So, for your own sake, figure out what part of your childhood is being replayed here. When you figure it out, let me know and we can move to the next step in your healing. Keep in touch with me and let me know what you have discovered.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

Why is Mary-Kate Olsen getting hitched to a guy who’s old enough to be her dad?

Ask Dr Love Radio Show

Tuesday, March 25th, 1pm (EST) on Talk Zone Radio: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Why is Mary-Kate Olsen, a beautiful, successful and wealthy celebrity, getting hitched to a guy who’s old enough to be her dad?

We all know that millions of women choose older men as life partners and spouses because older guys are often more able to provide financial safety and security.

But Mary-Kate doesn’t need a guy to support her financially.

So what’s her reason?

This week, I gave an exclusive interview in the National Enquirer Magazine in which I explained the real reason why Mary-Kate is tying the knot with a guy who’s old enough to be her dad. The reason for her choice? Those famous Old Scars that I talk about!

Tune in as I unravel Mary-Kate’s story…

I’ll also be talking about why so many women are going for older guys--and what younger guys can do to make themselves more appealing to younger women!   

If you’re in the US, you can call me toll free at: 1-888-GOFORIT. If you’re outside the US, dial the US country code, followed by the numbers: 1-847-470-0937 or 1-847-470-1114.

HOW TO LISTEN LIVE: You can tune in to Internet Radio from anywhere

and call in using any kind of phone, including Skype. Use this link to

go to this show's page and listen live:  

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Twitter at: http://twitter.com/askdrlove.

Help

Dr. Love,

My girlfriend broke up with me over a year and half but now our break up was really bad.  I blame my self for some of the problems we had before she broke up with me. But now after one and half years I tried contacting her by calling and she refused to answer.  Instead she sms me, asking if I miss her or do I wanted to play with her. I replied and said I do miss her, but I am not playing with her. She said she will never forgive or forget what I did to her. She was using words like this ( you fucked me up, you should fuck of, don't miss me and don't call me). What should I do, I want to make things right and for her to forgive me for what I did to her.

Signed by: 

Confused

Answer: 

Wow. What impresses me about your question is your determination to make things right for her. This tells me what a good person you are. You truly deserve a chance to put things right.

The problem is this girl is really furious with you. I always say that anger is never the primary emotion. Anger conceals the more vulnerable emotions such as fear, hurt, sadness.

At first I had thought that she asked if you miss her because a part of her was hoping that you actually do miss her. But then the way she blasted you when you admitted to missing her, made me wonder if she only asked the question in order to bait you--to set you up for a beating.

When she beat you, she made reference to your having played with her. I’m assuming you know what she means.

If you want to make this right, then you need to take responsibility for what you did to her. To do this you would say: I know how much I wronged you by doing (fill in what you did). You can’t believe how much I want to make this right for you. I’m not asking you to forgive me or trust me. I just want the chance to be able to talk with you and have you tell me everything that I did wrong. Even though I can’t take back what I did, the least I can do is listen and hopefully help you heal from the pain I gave you. And I know you don’t owe me anything, but I would appreciate your feedback which will actually help me become a better person.  

When you do this you have to be entirely genuine. The words have to come from your heart. If she senses that you’re only trying to worm your way back into a relationship with her, your communication will backfire.

If you are persistent and don’t give up, there’s a good chance that it will pay off. She will see that you are truly devoted and not out to play her.

If she doesn’t accept your offer, there’s nothing more you can do except learn from your mistakes and never play another woman again.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Reading Between the Sheets

Whenever couples are locked in SexWars, oftentimes non-sexual issues are afoot.

In fact, sexual struggles are often symbolic expressions of fear of intimacy, dependency, abandonment, or loss of control.

It was time for some bedroom detective work. I use my Reading Between the Sheets technique to uncover what sexual insatiability really mean.

To do this, I ask:

• How does he/she feel when he/she didn’t have as much sex as he liked?
• What is he/she missing in the relationship, if anything?
• What is he/she missing within oneself?
• What hole is he/she trying to fill (no pun intended) by having sex?
• How long had the problem been going on?
• What had changed in the couple’s life and relationship?
• Was sex ever good between them? If so, when did it deteriorate?

Reading Between the Sheets is like peeling the layers of an onion. On the first layer, you may well discover that sexual battles often reflect deeper relationship issues that have nothing to do with sex. When we peel off the next layer, we discover that heated sexual conflicts are often fueled by Old Scars from childhood.

To read more at Psychology Today.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Woman in Love With Older Man Who Has Cold Feet

Dear Dr. Love:

I am dating a man who is 44 years old while I am 21. He is divorced and has two boys. One of which lives with him. I cannot have children due to health problems. I really enjoy being with and doing things with him. I have dated a lot and a lot of different kinds and he is the first one I have dated who meets all of the criteria for me. I fear though that the age difference is hard for him to deal with. He is scared that I will meet someone younger and want to be with them or something like that. I have tried to tell him though, I have dated younger men and they are (for the most part) immature and do not want long lasting relationships. The age difference does not matter to me. Should I pursue this relationship any further. Do you know of any relationships that have worked when there is such a big age difference.

Answer: 

You asked me if you should pursue this relationship. You really need to ask your lover this question. (Should I feel like giving up on us. Is that what you want me to feel?). In answer to your other question, yes, a relationship with a large age difference can work out fine, provided the couple is compatible.

Let's backtrack a second and make sure that your lover isn't using this age issue as a smoke screen for another issue. In other words, would he be frightened of commitment if you were his age? Would he be afraid of your leaving him for another man if you were his age? I would ask him these questions and see if he can discover whether he actually suffers from a fear of abandonment. I would also ask him to be more specific about why he thinks the age difference could result in your leaving him one day. Make him talk openly. Is he afraid that he wouldn't be able to perform sexually and that you would be forced to seek satisfaction elsewhere?

Find out what other fears he has and talk them through. This should help

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Woman Who is Being Dangled By a String

Dear Dr.Love,

I have been dating someone for the last five months. Lately it seems that he doesn't care about my needs or my feelings. He will go days without calling me or returning my calls. Also he refuses to make plans until the last minute, I am lucky if he calls in the morning to ask to do something that evening. I really like this guy and don't know what to do. Help.

Answer: 

You are being dangled like a puppet on a string. This man is abusing you. He treats you like utter garbage and you still like him! Why do you want someone who treats you so poorly? Before you do anything else, you must do some soul-searching and figure out why you are so attached to such a dick-head.

Don't think you're alone. Many women are drawn to men that don't treat them well. When we can't let go of (or are obsessed with) someone that mistreats us this means: we are recreating a wound of the past in an attempt to heal it (also read my answer to question entitled 'Obsessed'). In a vain attempt to heal, our unconscious minds chose a person who is similar to whoever hurt us when we were young; next, our minds hope that we can achieve the happy ending for the old wound (this time I won't be treated like garbage. I will be treated special). Only, since we have chosen a person who is like whoever hurt us as kids, we never receive the happy ending, we just bang our emotional heads against the wall and experience wound after wound.

So, I suggest you figure out what past wound is being recreated in this relationship; next, figure out what type of treatment you wanted as a kid, and what you want now; then, I would make these needs known in the form of limit-setting (no whining, begging, pleading or complaining). By setting limits on this man you fight for your happy ending to childhood--and current-- mistreatment. To set a healing limit for yourself, you might say, 'I expect you to return my calls and give me notice when you ask me out. Can you do this?' If he says he will, you need to say, 'And, how should I respond if you don't keep your word?' If, on the contrary, he say that he can't or won't respond to your request, then it's up to you to decide if you wish to continue being abused like this. If he says he will change and doesn't, then, again, you must decide how much you wish to keep replaying the abandonment wound.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)


Check out my NEW book Kiss Your Fights Good Bye 

Less Than a Woman

Relationship expert Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love) helps a woman who awoke from surgery to discover that her ovaries had been removed due to cancer. In their place is a large scar and a permanent mediport in her neck. Since this time, her husband won’t have sex with her. Even though they are renewing their vows soon, she isn’t hopeful that their relationship can be saved. AskDrLove.com is the Web's premier free relationship advice site since 1996. Search thousands of relationship, marriage, dating, and sex advice articles and videos on every imaginable problem, or Ask Dr. Love your own question!

http://askdrlove.com/content/less-woman

Is She Playing Me?

Relationship expert Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love) helps a young man who is nursing a case of jealousy as he worries whether his girlfriend who has gone away to school is playing him for a fool. AskDrLove.com is the Web's premier free relationship advice site since 1996. Search thousands of relationship, marriage, dating, and sex advice articles and videos on every imaginable problem, or Ask Dr. Love your own question!

http://askdrlove.com/drlove-advice/she-playing-me

How To Cheat Proof Your Relationship

In order to cheat proof a relationship, it’s vital to understand the underlying reasons why men and women cheat in the first place. In this Ask Dr. Love radio show, Dr. Jamie Turndorf explains how to avoid the relationship failures that cause infidelity.

http://www.free-press-release.com/news-relationship-expert-reveals-how-to-cheat-proof-your-relationship-1347547425.html

I Want Him Back

In “I Want Him Back,” I help a 53 year old divorced woman understand why the love of her life, her boyfriend of 2 years, with whom she had a wonderful relationship, just up and left her without warning. Join me as I help her dissect the corpse of her relationship to understand what went wrong, and more importantly, how she can protect herself from falling into a future relationship with another man like this using my Critical Questions to Ask Before You Get Close Guide.

http://askdrlove.com/drlove-advice/i-want-him-back-0