Dateless

Dear Dr. Love:

 I feel like I am different than many people on your column, because I rarely can get dates. I am somewhat picky but often like several people in one year.

I am 37 and have spent most of the last 15 years alone. I don't know what's wrong, I think I am fairly pretty, definitely cute, a little overweight. I know also that in my childhood my father left for a very pretty woman, and my mom and I were left alone.

Since she looked like me, and I thought the other woman was prettier, and since my father was very handsome, I felt that you had to be very pretty to get a date. However, I am ready to change this attitude and I am tired of being alone.

Any help? Thanks.  

Signed by: 

Dateless

Answer: 

Dear Dateless You are very insightful and actually have your problem figured out. You have a mindset that says pretty women get the guy. Your own history has proven that to be so. And, since you never felt as pretty as the girl who stole your daddy's heart, you have it figured that you aren't worthy of finding your Mr. Right, let alone a date.

The question is how do you break free of this cycle?

You really need to reprogram your mind. There are many ways to do this. You can do cognitive therapy. You can do hypnosis, which is designed to literally alter your neuro associations.

You can also try self-affirmations, which is like self-hypnosis. With self-affirmations you are actually reprogramming your mind all by yourself. To do this you reiterate positive statements to yourself. The idea is to replace your current views with healthier ones.

Note that all affirmations are stated as 'done deals' meaning you don't talk about what you want to have in the future, but rather speak as though what you desire has already occurred. For example you might say: I am swamped with dates.

You might also create affirmations that counteract your belief that only knock-outs get dates. This affirmation might sound like, 'I am attractive enough to interest many different men.' Post your affirmations on the fridge and on the bathroom mirror, and say them out loud in the morning, throughout the day, and before bedtime. Then, sit back and start numbering your dates.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Insecure With Good Reason

Dear Dr. Love,

I live with my boyfriend. He is in Sales. Which means he is a busy man. He got relocated for work and we both had to move to a state that we were not happy with. Things were fine for a while but each of us carried a lot of stress because of both work and changes in living, money.

It has been a couple of months and he has decided to start staying overnight. (He never did before as OFTEN). He never tells me where he is going what he is doing etc. . . Last Night he left for the night (on business) well number 1: he calls at midnight. number 2: I try to page him right after we hang up and he doesn't call back. number 3: I wake up in the morning and try it again. . . . . . . . no response. Now, he always has his pager on him. And don't you think he should tell me what hotel etc. . . ???? I mean what if I was in trouble.

I guess what I 'm worried about is: is he cheating on me??? Please help me it's effecting me day & day. Am I being insecure??? He comes home tonight: what should I do?? I really love this man. Thanks.

Answer: 

You have every reason to worry. Your boyfriend's behavior is suspicious. You need to ask him straight out if he is seeing other women. And, if he says, 'no, 'I wouldn't be so quick to believe him since you suspect that he lies.

Next, you need to find out why you are drawn to a lover who leaves you feeling this insecure. I suspect that in your early life, a mom or a dad abandoned you or you watched one of your parents being abandoned over and over. In either case, you got the message that being in love means trembling in fear of abandonment. It feels to me like some unfinished business is playing out here. You need to find out what this is. Unless you do, this boyfriend will always leave you standing by the phone.

And, if you end this relationship, you will find another boyfriend who leaves you feeling just as insecure. So, for your own sake, figure out what part of your childhood is being replayed here. When you figure it out, let me know and we can move to the next step in your healing. Keep in touch with me and let me know what you have discovered.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

I'm Completely Depressed but I Shouldn't be I Don't Think

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love) helps a young woman who is furious with her boyfriend who always accused her of cheating on him, when she didn’t, and who is now about to cheat on her. AskDrLove.com is the Web's premier free love advice site since 1996, with thousands of free relationship, dating, and sex advice articles and videos on every imaginable problem.

http://askdrlove.com/drlove-advice/im-completely-depressed-i-shouldnt-be-i-dont-think