I Need Her Love

Dear Dr. Love,

I have been dating my girlfriend for six months now. We have known each other for about four years. We tried having a relationship last summer that only lasted two months. Now that we've been together for six months I feel that our relationship has not grown emotionally, spiritually or physically. I feel like we are still just friends. We are not very intimate with each other. We do not hold, hug or touch each other very often.

With this in mind I think you know that the most intimate thing a couple could do has not happened. I 'm okay with that though. It is the little signs of affection that I yearn for. She tells me that she is not used to showing affection. At one point she felt uncomfortable spending the night at my house. I think that has changed. While in bed, we do not hold each other. I guess I should give you this information before I go any further. I am 27 and she is 20.

I have had relationships where affection and intimacy were abundant. On the other hand, she has not had many relationships to that degree. I have no problems with being patient. But I feel that our relationship is not heading in the right direction. I have told her that I love her, but the past couple of days I find myself daydreaming about being with someone who will give me the affection that I need.

Another thing that I feel hinders our relationship is our difference in attitude. I am a very optimistic person. When things are bad, I always try to look at the bright side, or bring something positive out of the issue. She has a defeated attitude, and she doubts herself more than she realizes. Whenever I try to lift her spirits, she does not accept it. I know I love her but, I am so afraid that my feelings are going to change for her. Please help me salvage my relationship.

Signed, 'I Need Her Love '

Answer: 

To read my response please visit  http://askdrlove.com/content/i-need-her-love

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Being Truly Authentic

Join Me Today at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio!

If you’re most of the world, you hide behind your intellect and speak about thoughts. But when it comes to being truly authentic, are you willing to leap off the ledge of love and speak from your heart?

Many people will answer that question: hell, no!

In truth, being real is really hard. For most of us, the hurt, the humiliations and the teasing we suffered as kids caused us to armor ourselves. While this armor may have protected us when we were young, it certainly isn’t helping us in our adult relationships. Because when we wall off from those close to us, we feel alienated, lonely and disconnected.

The only way to truly feel close and intimate is to speak from the most vulnerable, scared and young that still lives inside all of us.

Many of us find the courage to be real and speak from our hearts when life shakes us up. For example, we may gain the courage to open the door of their hearts as a result of a serious accident or illness. Our hard times are life’s wake-up calls reminding us how short our ride on earth is and urging us to get busy loving or get busy dying.

In this week’s show, I’m going to introduce you to media personality Ann Quasman, host of WomanTalk Live. Ann’s found her voice following a sexual assault.

I don’t want to have to wait for tragedy or disaster to unlock your heart. Tune in to this week’s show and discover how you can leap off the ledge of love and speak from your heart right now. Listen live and discover the secret key that allows you to begin conscious conversations from the heart.

You Can also Listen On Demand.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love)

Friday

May you have all the Love you desire!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

"Happy Hour"

1/9/2014 - 7:30pm

Spend your "Happy Hour" this week with Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love), learning how to strengthen your relationships!

Listen Live: http://mix97fm.com/

JOIN ME TODAY AT 1PM EST ON BLOG TALK RADIO

In this show, I focus on 8 proven steps for setting oneself free of habitual behavior patterns that interfere with the achievement of New Year’s resolutions. Anyone looking to lose weight, find love or romance, make more money or find a better job, or achieve any number of goals should listen in. I’ll also show how to create a relationship resolution plan that will crank one’s love life into gear for the new year.

Please join me today on BlogTalkRadio.com/ask-dr-love. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

In Love, I Think....

Dear Dr. Love:

I have been dating this guy Jeramy for only a short time, but we have known each other since we were very young. . . I recently lost my virginity to him, and I am very much so thinking twice about whether I should have. . . I care for him a lot.

He is now talking about getting married and having children. He wants to quit using protection while having sex because he wants to have kids. I don't know quite what to think of this. He is about 4 years older than me and he is graduated from High School. I am going to only be a senior in high school, and don't want the hassle of children until at least the time I graduate.

I would love to go further in our relationship, but I am not sure if he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I do love him very much. . . don't get me wrong, but I just don't know what to think. . . Please help me out. . . I'm very lost!!

Thanks, 

IN LOVE. . I THINK. . . .

Answer: 

When you say, 'I don't know what to think,' this doesn't sound like an accurate statement to me. In fact, it sounds like you are quite clear on what you do and don't want and what you do and don't think. It also sounds to me like you don't feel entitled to stand your ground and hold to your position. How come you need to present yourself as being confused? Like there is something wrong with your brain. Why not call this situation the way it is: Your boyfriend is trying to pressure you into doing what he wants and doesn't seem to respect your position.

This is your body and you are more than entitled to say that you don't want unprotected sex or children right now. It sounds like this guy is pushing you to go against your inner guidance. If he loves you, he should be listening to your needs. And, please don't fall into the trap that many females do: Surrendering your self to a man in order to keep his love. If he loves you, he will wait for kids. What's the big hurry?

And, likewise, if he loves and respects you, he will give you whatever assurances you need to comfortably engage in unprotected sex. For example, has he given you assurances that he is HIV negative? If not, how dare he ask you to risk your body? So, stick to your guns. Don't allow this man bully you into going against your convictions. You know exactly what to think.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Follow me on Facebook!

How to Make Our Lives Mesh

Dear Dr. Love:

Hi, I'm very interested in this guy I know, I've had a crush on him for about a year. The problem is, we are both shy and although we are great together, our lives don't coincide very well. He has a strong christian background and is a stay at home type. I'm atheist and love to party. I don't know if we can make it work because we aren't together yet. Do you have advice on how I can get over any shyness, and maybe some advice on how to make our lives easier to mesh together? Thanks for your time.

Answer: 

 Can you make your lives mesh better, this is a complex issue. It appears that you and your boyfriend do not share similar values on several different topics (religion, leisure pursuits). I want you to know that research shows that couples who are the most homogamous (similar) in tastes and values are the most maritally satisfied, and if couples are too different in too many areas, great friction occurs. When couples are in conflict over differing values, the problem is complicated by the fact that negotiation is not possible where values are concerned.

For example, how can we ask a partner to negotiate on religious values? Values are the person, and asking a person to modify values that are central to him or herself is like asking the leopard to change its spots. It doesn't work and the leopard will fight like hell if you try. So, I think you need to honestly examine whether you two are right for each other. The examination can be a painful process, but it can save you years of unnecessary heartache, and a possible union that won't work.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Woman Who is Being Dangled By a String

Dear Dr.Love,

I have been dating someone for the last five months. Lately it seems that he doesn't care about my needs or my feelings. He will go days without calling me or returning my calls. Also he refuses to make plans until the last minute, I am lucky if he calls in the morning to ask to do something that evening. I really like this guy and don't know what to do. Help.

Answer: 

You are being dangled like a puppet on a string. This man is abusing you. He treats you like utter garbage and you still like him! Why do you want someone who treats you so poorly? Before you do anything else, you must do some soul-searching and figure out why you are so attached to such a dick-head.

Don't think you're alone. Many women are drawn to men that don't treat them well. When we can't let go of (or are obsessed with) someone that mistreats us this means: we are recreating a wound of the past in an attempt to heal it (also read my answer to question entitled 'Obsessed'). In a vain attempt to heal, our unconscious minds chose a person who is similar to whoever hurt us when we were young; next, our minds hope that we can achieve the happy ending for the old wound (this time I won't be treated like garbage. I will be treated special). Only, since we have chosen a person who is like whoever hurt us as kids, we never receive the happy ending, we just bang our emotional heads against the wall and experience wound after wound.

So, I suggest you figure out what past wound is being recreated in this relationship; next, figure out what type of treatment you wanted as a kid, and what you want now; then, I would make these needs known in the form of limit-setting (no whining, begging, pleading or complaining). By setting limits on this man you fight for your happy ending to childhood--and current-- mistreatment. To set a healing limit for yourself, you might say, 'I expect you to return my calls and give me notice when you ask me out. Can you do this?' If he says he will, you need to say, 'And, how should I respond if you don't keep your word?' If, on the contrary, he say that he can't or won't respond to your request, then it's up to you to decide if you wish to continue being abused like this. If he says he will change and doesn't, then, again, you must decide how much you wish to keep replaying the abandonment wound.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)


Check out my NEW book Kiss Your Fights Good Bye 

Love at First Sight

Dr. Love,

I get attached way to easy. Please tell me why I do this. Even if a guy just smiles at me I start to fantasize about how a relationship would be with him, and then I start to get obsessed. And sometimes I get what I want, but I realize they are not what I fantasized about, and I break up with them and get depressed. Please can you tell my why I do this to myself?

Answer: 

When a person is starving for love, and falls head over heals in an instant, we know that unfinished business is afoot. 

In a nutshell, the unconscious mind tries to heals the wounds of childhood by: 1) choosing partners who are similar to the parent(s) that let us down; 2) recreating the painful scenes of the past; and 3) struggling for a happy ending to the wounds of childhood. So, for example, if a person was abandoned by her father as a child, that person will choose a lover that is an abandoner and she will try to win the abandoner's heart. The fantasy is that, if I can make the abandoner stick around and love me, then the hurt from my childhood will be healed (the happy ending).

All humans desperately crave to heal the wounds that remain from childhood. This craving for a healing of the past causes us to: fall in love too easily, fear being alone, or feel addicted to a relationship that doesn't work. These desperate, hungry feelings are actually signals from the unconscious alerting us to the fact that we have an old wound that needs repair.

Obsessive fantasizing may be another clue that the unconscious mind is trying to heal an old wound. Fantasy is the way that the unconscious mind expresses a deep wish. When you fantasize about the people you fall head over heals for, your unconscious mind is finding another way of telling you that it has a secret wish to heal an old wound.

After you get into a relationship, you wake up from the dream and find out that the person you fell for isn't who you thought he was. That is, this person is too much like the parent(s) that let you down (remember, with a repetition compulsion we choose partners that disappoint us like our parents did).

The way out is to: 1) get to know a person very well before becoming involved; 2) be aware of the craving to choose partners who are damaged in the exact same way your parent(s) were and know that you will never find your happy ending from carbon copies of your parent(s); 3) purposely choose partners who can give you your happy ending.

May you have all the Love you desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

Follow me on Facebook!

Doomed-to-be-Single

I am a man in my early twenties who is successful. I cherish the successful relationships I have with friends both at and outside of work. I have always been perceived by others as the 'guy who has it all'. Well, not quite.

I've had a string of unsuccessful relationships with women that has left me pondering the truth about 'lucky in career, unlucky in love'. I must admit, however, that I hold high expectations of people; I'm a go-doer and go-getter, and I expect people to put in the same effort as I do. That works out fine in the workplace, but not in relationships.

The general complaint I have received from women is that I am pushy, that I expect things to be done and problems to be fixed quickly. In turn, they feel 'inadequate' and under pressure to meet my standards, as they put it. Though I never criticize a loved one, I get frustrated by problems that occur repeatedly.

A lot of women I meet seem to have low self esteem. Who has the problem here? They like my confidence, but eventually they feel that we're just on two different levels and hence incompatible. I'm drawn to very feminine qualities. Is it practical to expect a feminine woman who is also confident? Should I act less confident in a relationship?

Sincerely,

doomed-to-be-single

Answer: 

Women are telling you that they feel pressured to meet your standards of perfection, and because of this, they end up feeling inadequate.

I want you to know that the women you date are not the only ones who feel pressured for perfection. I think you've got the bug as well.

I don't think you ever received a sense of true acceptance, and so you keep trying to be Mr. Perfect, hoping to finally feel loved. Listen to how you describe yourself. You sound perfect: handsome, high I.Q., well-read, wealthy... Do you really feel so perfect on the inside?

When somebody tries to convince himself and others how perfect he is, this operation often conceals a hidden sense of inadequacy.

What are you doing to make them feel inadequate? You are extending to them the same standards which I think were rammed down your throat by your parents. (These are the very same standards you continue to ram down your own throat.) And, when you lay these expectations on the women you date, low and behold they feel inadequate. You are coming across as impatient, intolerant, and needing to be right. No wonder they run.

Instead of memorizing behavioral tricks, which, I assure you won't solve the problem, I suggest that you become aware of the voice that drives you in your own head. Put a name on it. And, then talk to it by saying, 'Hi mom, hi dad...expecting me to be perfect again.'

To read more on this subject and my other relationship advice, visit www.askdrlove.com

Follow me on Facebook and sign up for my Weekly Newsletter !

Too many problems. . .

Dear Dr. Love:

I am in a very sticky situation. . . I'm in love with a very insecure, jealous and suspicious man. We've been together for the better part of one year. 

When we got together, he found me 'too independent' and 'to much in control' of the relationship. So I removed 'the pants' and put on a nice, frilly apron-so to speak, and consequently live through the most horrific months in my life. I gave up my own apartment, to move into his tiny, stuffy room. I gave up my car, only to be told when and where I could use his. I gave up my job because there were too many guys asking me out there'  only to be picked on as not contributing to the relationship. He asked me to become more dependent, and then tortured me for doing it.

Now, I have moved back into my own place, I'm working again and saving up for my own car as well as secured transportation to and from work without having to beg to use his car (which he promised he'd give me for selling mine).

He'll call me names and 'break up' with me, only to call me two hours later 'hey baby, whatcha doin?'

I've become numb to his name calling and 'fake breaks (as I call them)' to a degree that it doesn't hurt, shock or surprise me any more.  He doesn't even trust me enough to let me go to the bathroom without saying 'whatcha doin, babe?'

 Now I need my space. I've taken it, and it's time to enforce those boundries. He doesn't like it, but when I say 'lump it' he talks suicide.  I know he needs professional help, but I'm not a professional.  How can I say tough, that's life' with tough love?  How can I get my self respect back, and find some for him?

Signed...

"Too many problems to know which one to write about..."

Answer: 

You sound like one tough survivor. You ask how can you say,'tough that's life', get your self-respect back and find some for him?

It sounds like you are on the road to regaining your self-respect ( saving for a car, and you found a new job and an apartment). So, pat yourself on the back for all your strength and courage. And, keep reminding yourself what a winner you are. Avoiding people that abuse you and repeating to yourself what is wonderful about you, will build your self-respect.

The fact that you find it hard to say,'tough' makes me wonder what part of your psyche doesn't want to give this guy up. It would be good for you to examine what 'hook' this guy has on you.

Whenever we become drawn into abusive relationships, there is an aspect of our early life that is being replayed. Were you abused as a child or did you see your mother or father being abused? In order for you to be comfortable with letting go and saying tough to this abusive guy, you need to understand what your unconscious mind was (is) hoping by staying with an abuser. As a kid, did you hope that an abuser would stop abusing and love you?

When you figure out what type of healing your mind is hoping for, it will be easier to accept that you can't obtain a happy ending from this man--he's too damaged. Realizing this, will help you to walk away and say tough without feeling such conflict and remorse. 

This guy didn't earn your respect and doesn't deserve it. I know it is painful to accept that you can't relive and rewrite history or change your parent(s) into respectable people.

But, keep this thought in mind. You are such a bright fantastic lady, there is a happy ending for you. There is a man out there for you who is ready to love and not abuse you...and this is the man you will be able to respect.

Sign up to receive Ask Dr Love's Free Weekly Newsletter!

Follow me on Facebook