Confused at Age 35

Dear Dr. Love,

I enjoy reading your advice column on the Internet. I know you only choose 3, but I think a lot of women need this question answered. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 years. We have had and still have a wonderful time together. Just recently I brought up the future and the word 'committment. ' Neither of us are quite ready for marriage today, but I wanted to discuss it.

He said he loves me and can't live without me, but now needs some time ALONE. The past 5 Friday nights he has wanted to spend time with his new Friends, that I've never met. He met them at a little Pub. We have only been seeing each other for a date on Saturday night, and a couple of nights during the week.

I'm confused, and feeling alone. We are back to a 'Dating' type relationship and it feels weird because we had gotten to the point that we saw each other every day or every other day at least. He said he does not want us to date other people but Friday night is a date night to me.

I guess my question is: How much time alone or with friends do guys need? Should I understand and give him some space. He really does not want to discuss it because he says that I am trying to Control him. 

Help!!!!!

Confused at age 35

Answer: 

You asked me how much time alone do guys need? No two men are the same, so what we really need to figure out is, how much space does your guy need.

Before I answer this question, we must back up and understand what is causing your man to run for the hills. It sounds to me like he is terrified of being close because, to him, closeness means being taken over and controlled. Where does his fear of being controlled stem from?

When a man (or woman) is terrified of being controlled, we know that he or she was injured during a particular phase of the formative years (age 2-3.) During this phase, every kid says no to everything. They are stretching their wings, developing their identities and need to feel like king. If a parent squashes, controls, and overly dominates the child during this phase, that person is left with an unmet need to be in control. Cut to when the kid grows up and develops an intimate love relationship. Beneath the grown-up surface lies this unfinished business, the need to be in control and not swallowed up by someone else's demands and orders.

Here's where you entered the scene. When you asked for marriage, he freaked out and saw shades of his controlling parent(s) reappear. Somebody is trying to move in on him again, run the show, take his freedom. Now you understand why he is running away.

The question is, what can you do about it? Clearly this man needs you to allow him that freedom, until he feels that the need has been adequately met, at which time he should be ready to settle into marriage. So, what you need to do is to send the message that you have no interest in taking him over. To do this, you need to take on his position of doubt (act as though the marriage doubt is yours) and mirror the doubt back to him. This is done by saying: 'I think you felt pressured to get married. But, I don't think I was clear in how I expressed myself. You see, I'm not sure that marriage is for me, and I wanted to discuss my feelings with you. '

By taking the doubt on yourself, you are removing the pressure from him and giving him freedom. If he brings up the question of marriage on his own, you keep mirroring back your doubts. I can assure you that, if you have the patience, giving him this 'I'm not sure message will provide him with the emotional room his parents never gave him, and he should come around if he isn't too emotionally damaged. The only way we will know the extent of his damage, and whether or not he can heal and move toward commitment, is time.

So, privately set an end-date for yourself (this could take a year or more) and give him the psychological room. If he's curable, time will tell. But, promise me one thing, please don't waste your life waiting. We will give this man the healing message he needs, but if he doesn't come around by your end-date, please don't give up your entire life on an incurable case. 

 Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr.Love)

What is He Thinking??

Hey Doc,

First of all thank you for taking the time to read this question. I will try to keep it brief for you.

Ok so I've been in love with my best friend for awhile now. 6 months ago I told him I liked him and he seemed very sorry about it when he told me he liked someone else. That was kind of a surprise for me at the time, but when looking back on it I could see why. The girl was also my friend and I knew to be a good sport and let it be. Unfortunately for him, she didn't like him the same way. Throughout this whole silly triangle thing, he remained my best friend. Sometimes he would act nicer. But I knew it was just because he was a nice guy and he felt bad for rejecting me. He had told people we were close after all. And we are! We talk and see each other often. 

I got tired of waiting for an impossible ask out from him, so I went out with someone else. He asked me so many questions about the guy like who is it? What's he like? Is that your type? When do I get to meet him? 

I know it could just be possible that he was asking as a friend. It seems to me though like he's a little bit possessive of me? Or do you think maybe he's confused about his feelings? 

I did end up breaking up with the guy as I realized I didn't love him as much as my friend.

I don't know what to think. 

Thank you for your time if you answer 

Signed by: 

Confused

Answer: 

You sound like such a sweetie who deserves to find a guy who adores her.

In answer to your question why he asked about the other guy. There are so many possibilities. He could simply be acting like a protective older brother. But the fact that you wonder if he’s confused about how he feels about you, makes me wonder if you may be picking up on a vibe from him.

What do you have to lose by being honest and asking him. The worst he can say is “no” and confirm that he does just feel like a protective brother.

If he is confused, then you might get him talking about what his problem is!

I wish you luck with him. You’re darling and Dr. Love wants you to be loved back with the same amount of fervor. If it’s not him, then it will be someone else. Hold out for the entire emotional enchilada!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr. Love)

Does She Love Me?

Dear Dr. Love,

I 'm 20 years old and I have been together with my girlfriend for 9 months. Sometimes I get confused and I wonder if she really loves me. Sometimes she really shows a lot of love and sometimes she is really cold. My question is, how or what is the best way to tell if a woman really loves you.

Thank You.

Answer: 

I understand your confusion. There are no hard and fast rules for recognizing whether someone else loves you. Since you say that your girlfriend shows a lot of love, I would say that she probably does love you.

So, if she loves you, why these periods of coolness? I think that she cools because she doesn't know how to deal with her angry feelings toward you. Angry feelings are normal in relationships, but since we haven't been trained to express negative feelings in words, it is common for these feelings to be expressed in actions: 'pulling back 'or 'cooling off, 'etc. Does your girlfriend ever put her angry feelings into words? If she doesn't, then we can assume that when she cools toward you, she is at a loss for how to discuss what's bothering her.

So, next time she cools, ask her, 'I feel a cool wind blowing in my direction. Did I do something to upset you?' When she tells you what you did, listen attentively and thank her for sharing. Regularly inviting her to put her feelings into words, should warm the Siberian winds. Eventually, she will learn how to tell you what is on her mind and avoid the periods of cooling off all together.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Really Confused

Dear Dr. Love:

Currently I find myself in a very confusing situation. You see 4 months ago I packed up my car and everything I could squeeze into it, and headed to the Southeast from Seattle Washington. I left my husband of barely 2 years in search of a new beginning. I left because I could no longer handle his dishonesty and lack of emotional support. I promised myself that I'd concentrate on finding out who I was and what made me happy once I settled from my relocation, and most importantly I promised myself NO MEN!!

Well, I was in my new life no more then 2 weeks when I met the man of my dreams. He's very attractive, smart, and witty. We had so much in common and instantly hit it off. I'm currently 4 months into this relationship and everything is still going fine, but I can't seem to stop thinking about my husband (whom I am separated but not divorced). My husband and I talk on the phone at least once every two weeks, he's been calling my mom, sister, and grandmother apologizing for how neglectful he was to me and seeking their advice on how to get me back.

It seems almost like he's a totally different person when I talk to him now. All I keep thinking about lately are the words he ends are conversations with . . . 'I was wrong. I know I was an idiot. I want my wife back, and if I have to relocate to where you are that 's what I'll do. I love you so much, and I want my wife back. 

I'm so torn. I miss and love my husband, but I also have feelings for the guy I'm seeing now. I care about them both, but I'm married to one. What do I do?? I don't want to hurt anyone. HELP!!!

Signed -- Really Confused

Answer: 

Boy are you in a bind. All I can say to you is, you have to make up your mind regarding whether you want to give your husband a second chance or not? It sounds like a part of you wants to. If your husband were the type of man who apologized and begged for forgiveness every other day, then I'd say his talk is cheap. But, it sounds like your husband really woke up and realized what he lost.

The big question is: how do we know he won't fall back into old habits once he gets you back. And, I would ask him that question. In addition, I would want him to do some serious self and couple work to make sure that the reasons why he neglected you in the past are resolved. Make sure that you don't jump back in the saddle before you have the assurances that you need.

Point being, it is easy to say I'm sorry and I want you back, but it is hard to do the work necessary to make internal changes that stick. Is he willing to do this? He has to do and say a lot to convince you of this. I imagine you're afraid that if you give your husband a second chance, that this new man won't wait around. And, this is a risk. In a conflict like this, you simply need to take a position and go with it. There are pros and cons to each side, and if I were you I would write all the pros and cons down to help you clarify where you stand.

In reading your letter, I kept getting the sense that you would feel guilty and regretful if you didn't give your husband another chance. If that is true, then I can understand why you would want to give him another try. But, please make sure that all your conditions are met before you burn your bridges with your lover.

Good luck,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Woman Falling For Her Ex Boyfriend's Best Friend

Dear Dr Love,

I am in the middle of a break up with my boyfriend. I have moved on but I'm not sure he has. This would be difficult enough but I have a larger problem. I am very attracted to his best friend. It is more than physical attraction, I'm attracted to who he is. I sense that his friend is attracted to me but afraid to do anything about it. His old girlfriend is now dating his friend so he knows the pain this sort of situation can cause.

How long should I wait before I confront him or should I confront him at all? I don't want to hurt either my old boyfriend or my new love interest. Can this work out at all?

Sincerely, 

Woman falling for her boyfriend's best friend

Answer: 

Yes this can work out. The fact that you are so sensitive to your boyfriend and new love interest's feelings is wonderful. And, because of this sensitivity and caring, you should be able to move forward with the man of your choice, and do so in a sensitive way.

Here's how. You talk to your ex. , and tell him: 'Since we are no longer dating, I was interested in dating your friend so and so. I had the feeling that this might hurt you and I wanted to talk with you about it first. ' You give him an opportunity to share all his feelings, listen and understand. After this is done, then, get on with your life.

In other words, your job is not to take care of your ex. to the exclusion of your own needs. You must take care of and honor yourself first. In handling the matter the way I suggest, you don't simply roll over your ex. , you listen and respect his feelings. . . but at the same time you don't roll over yourself by denying your own desires. As for the new love interest, you can also be direct with him and say, 'I know that you know how painful it is when a best friend dates your former lover. I am interested in getting to know you better. . . would your friendship with so and so (your ex. ) stand in our way?'

 Dealing directly and addressing not running from the feelings is the trick to navigating this emotional minefield.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love )

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter!

In Love, I Think....

Dear Dr. Love:

I have been dating this guy Jeramy for only a short time, but we have known each other since we were very young. . . I recently lost my virginity to him, and I am very much so thinking twice about whether I should have. . . I care for him a lot.

He is now talking about getting married and having children. He wants to quit using protection while having sex because he wants to have kids. I don't know quite what to think of this. He is about 4 years older than me and he is graduated from High School. I am going to only be a senior in high school, and don't want the hassle of children until at least the time I graduate.

I would love to go further in our relationship, but I am not sure if he is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I do love him very much. . . don't get me wrong, but I just don't know what to think. . . Please help me out. . . I'm very lost!!

Thanks, 

IN LOVE. . I THINK. . . .

Answer: 

When you say, 'I don't know what to think,' this doesn't sound like an accurate statement to me. In fact, it sounds like you are quite clear on what you do and don't want and what you do and don't think. It also sounds to me like you don't feel entitled to stand your ground and hold to your position. How come you need to present yourself as being confused? Like there is something wrong with your brain. Why not call this situation the way it is: Your boyfriend is trying to pressure you into doing what he wants and doesn't seem to respect your position.

This is your body and you are more than entitled to say that you don't want unprotected sex or children right now. It sounds like this guy is pushing you to go against your inner guidance. If he loves you, he should be listening to your needs. And, please don't fall into the trap that many females do: Surrendering your self to a man in order to keep his love. If he loves you, he will wait for kids. What's the big hurry?

And, likewise, if he loves and respects you, he will give you whatever assurances you need to comfortably engage in unprotected sex. For example, has he given you assurances that he is HIV negative? If not, how dare he ask you to risk your body? So, stick to your guns. Don't allow this man bully you into going against your convictions. You know exactly what to think.

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Follow me on Facebook!