Confused and Angry

Hello,

 I am writing to you for some advice about my fiance. When he is not sleeping or eating he is on this computer. His business deals with computers also, but even when he is not working he is always on this computer. He stays up until 3 and 4 in the morning doing god knows what on the computer. I talked to him about it and for about a week he spent time with me and one day he didn't even turn the thing on. I was finally happy and lately he has slipped back into the rut again. I really am beginning to hate this computer even tho that is my major in college and it is going to be my career. He is turning me against the computer because I feel that the computer is taking my place. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

 Confused and Angry

Answer: 

Your boyfriend has one of two problems: either he has an addictive personality and/or he is using the computer in order to avoid intimacy. You are naturally feeling hurt and rejected, and have fallen into a trap that many women fall into. When we don't get what we need, we resort to nagging and complaining, which creates a nasty power struggle: In your case, the more you nag and pressure your boyfriend to quit the computer, the more he buries his nose in the keyboard. And, this pattern will only worsen, unless we change strategies.

Instead of nagging him to get off the computer, use reverse psychology. Get very busy yourself. When he wants to see you or talk with you, tell him you'd love to but you simply are too busy with rock climbing or whatever else you're into (if you're not into anything, get a hobby fast). And, when you tell him that you're busy, be light and breezy; don't sound angry or retaliatory. When he feels lonely and neglected, he should come around. And, any time he slips back into no-man's land, you pull-back too.

This technique is a proven effective way to break the kind of power struggle you're locked in. But, keep in mind, if we are dealing with deeper issues, such as an addictive personality or intimacy phobia, the technique I suggest will probably only serve as a temporary solution, and the underlying issues will probably rear their heads again.

But, don't despair, the pull-back technique I described above, can actually cure at least one of the underlying problems I mentioned: the intimacy problem. You see, if you give your boyfriend room, you can help him heal an intimacy fear. (A fear of intimacy usually conceals a deeper fear: if I let her close to me, she will chew me up and swallow me whole and I will have no identity left. So, as you see, by pulling-back yourself, you are showing him that you don't intend to take him over, which can heal intimacy phobics. )

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love )

Woman Falling For Her Ex Boyfriend's Best Friend

Dear Dr Love,

I am in the middle of a break up with my boyfriend. I have moved on but I'm not sure he has. This would be difficult enough but I have a larger problem. I am very attracted to his best friend. It is more than physical attraction, I'm attracted to who he is. I sense that his friend is attracted to me but afraid to do anything about it. His old girlfriend is now dating his friend so he knows the pain this sort of situation can cause.

How long should I wait before I confront him or should I confront him at all? I don't want to hurt either my old boyfriend or my new love interest. Can this work out at all?

Sincerely, 

Woman falling for her boyfriend's best friend

Answer: 

Yes this can work out. The fact that you are so sensitive to your boyfriend and new love interest's feelings is wonderful. And, because of this sensitivity and caring, you should be able to move forward with the man of your choice, and do so in a sensitive way.

Here's how. You talk to your ex. , and tell him: 'Since we are no longer dating, I was interested in dating your friend so and so. I had the feeling that this might hurt you and I wanted to talk with you about it first. ' You give him an opportunity to share all his feelings, listen and understand. After this is done, then, get on with your life.

In other words, your job is not to take care of your ex. to the exclusion of your own needs. You must take care of and honor yourself first. In handling the matter the way I suggest, you don't simply roll over your ex. , you listen and respect his feelings. . . but at the same time you don't roll over yourself by denying your own desires. As for the new love interest, you can also be direct with him and say, 'I know that you know how painful it is when a best friend dates your former lover. I am interested in getting to know you better. . . would your friendship with so and so (your ex. ) stand in our way?'

 Dealing directly and addressing not running from the feelings is the trick to navigating this emotional minefield.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love )

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I Give Up

Dear Dr. Love:

I just gotten engaged to my boyfriend and ever since we agreed to get married he has a habbit of seeing me for a few days then not for a few more. he says he does it because he's affraid to get into another serious relationship and that he does truley love me. I just can't help but to feel i put eveything into the relationship and get nothing out. I go to talk to him about this and I feel bad because he has a lot of things happening in his life that I want to be there for him not be add to the problems. What should I do?

From
I give up

Answer: 

You should give up. Why on earth would you want to marry a man that makes you feel that you give everything and get nothing back. You would be wise to understand where your tendency to fall into this pattern stems from. Does this recreate an experience from your formative years? As for this man. He obviously has mixed feelings about intimacy and commitment, and marrying him won't make this problem go away.

You are a sweet woman and very willing to put your needs aside to be there for him. But what about your needs? This man withdraws for long stretches, and the problem isn't going to go away by itself. What can you do? A couple of choices: You can ask him to start talking with you about his mixed feelings rather than acting them out. He needs to understand that when he goes into action (withdrawing for 3 days) he is damaging the relationship.

If he wants a relationship with you, he must talk about his fears whenever they arise, not act. Every time he feels nervous, he is to stay in contact (not pull away). If he can do this, you have a man that 's workable and a relationship that has promise. If he can't control his behavior and must withdraw, you are in for big-time misery with this man. And, you really need to ask yourself if you want to marry a man that will be abandoning you like this. Another option is to mirror his doubts and tell him that you aren't ready to get engaged. This technique will probably bring him closer, but it won't actually heal his underlying fears and issues.

No matter which approach you choose, I wouldn't be marrying so fast. You need to find out whether this man is actually capable of a relationship before commiting yourself for the long haul. My best wishes to you. You are lovely, generous woman who deserves to receive back as much love as she gives.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Unsure

Dear Dr Love,

I recently ended an eight year relationship about six months ago. We lived together for six. It ended when he cheated on me. I've been seeing this new guy and I feel I'm really ready for a committed relationship with him. However, many of my friends think that it is too soon for me too move into a new romance. What do you think?

Unsure

Answer: 

Since you say that you are really ready for a serious relationship, then why are you feeling unsure? How come you feel the need to allow others to dictate to you on your actions? Others aren't living in your skin, so how can they presume to tell you how to live?

There are no rules about how soon is too soon to start over. All that matters is that you are listening to your heart and making good decisions for yourself--not for your friends--for yourself.

Is it possible that you are hiding behind your friends' doubts? That is, do you have doubts of your own that you are afraid to admit to yourself? Are your friends merely voicing your own secret doubts? Are you afraid that this man will cheat on you like the last one did? Examine this question, and if you find that you still feel clear and ready, then follow your heart.

If you decide to become more serious with this man, I wish you every happiness.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love )

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The Honesty Experiment, with guest Kira M. Newman

Tuesday, August 27th, 1pm (EST) on Talk Zone Radio: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Join me this week for a discussion with Kira M. Newman, founder of the Honesty Experiment, a 30-day challenge where people commit to being honest with themselves and others. Each day, they get a little tip or question to guide their journey to self-improvement. Kira ran the Honesty Experiment for Couples in August and is planning other special experiments for figuring out a career, for entrepreneurs, and for worriers. Kira is also a senior writer and editor for Tech Cocktail, a media and events company for tech startups and entrepreneurs.  

I’ll also be sharing my simple rule for knowing when it’s good to be honest and when it’s good to button your lip. Once you understand this rule, your relationships will rule.

Join me for what promises to be an honest to goodness interesting show! 
http://askdrlove.com/radio-shows/honesty-experiment-guest-kira-m-newman

Join Me For Some Chicken Soup with Jack Canfield

Dr. Jamie Turndorf to interview Jack Canfield, the beloved originator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul®series on Ask Dr. Love Radio May 28th at 1pm EST. Tune in to this week’s Ask Dr. Love show and hear all about Jack’s latest success principles for improving and mastering every aspect of one’s life and relationships.

http://ask-dr-love-with-dr-jamie-turndorf.pressdoc.com/47497-jack-canfield-to-appear-on-the-ask-dr-love-show