Dated My Best Friend

Today, I am going to share with you a letter I received at my Ask Dr Love Advice Column and my advice.

Dear Dr. Love,

I recently briefly dated one of my closest friends. We clicked really well and had feelings for each other and decided to give it a go. We are both in our 40s. After a few months, there were a lot of complications that we had not foreseen, perhaps because of the fact that we were such close friends and knew everything about each other. In any case, it reached a point where we could both see if was not going to end well. While I wanted to discuss this with him and end it nicely, he just completely shut me out and was rude on occasions for a few weeks. I let him be at first but eventually caved and asked him what is wrong. He told me he is done with the relationship for the same reasons I was going to give him. Of course, I was okay with this but I am so hurt that he would treat me this way. In any case, we decided to remain friends as we had been so close to each other for a good few years and it seemed a shame to let that go. He told me he still loves and cares about me but he is still not treating me well. I cannot avoid him altogether as we work together and have since we were in our 30s - so I have no intention of leaving my job, nor him. I want him in my life as a friend and a part of me does wish things had worked out as I do love him and care for him as well. However, I am willing to accept that they didn't. I just want to know why he is being this way now? What should I do about it?

Signed by: 

Confused and Hurt

Answer: 

Boy does this guy need some relationship advice!

The first thing I would do is ask him why he’s been acting so meanly since the break-up? Since you both agreed to be friends, what’s the need for all this animosity?

See what he says.

I know you both decided that you couldn’t make the relationship work because you’re friends. This doesn’t make sense to me. In the best romantic relationships partners feel like best friends.

Something got triggered in both of you, and neither of you is aware of what it is.

As for why he’s treating you badly now…he may be feeling guilty that he’s done you harm. His guilt may have morphed into anger.

It’s also possible that he’s not so sure that he doesn’t want you as more than a friend. Whatever got triggered for him that created the problems in your relationship still seems to be active in him. Remember, romantic relationships go awry because the partners start to see each other as the parent that we had the most difficulty with. When this happens, negative feelings burst out. Suddenly, you start hating the one you love and you don’t know why. That would explain why he’s dumping on you.

He also may be using the anger as a way of creating space. Think about how teenagers use anger to push away from the family.

If he were un-conflicted about you, if he were 100% sure that he only wanted you as a friend, he wouldn’t need to muster up all this anger to push you away.  

The guy needs therapy!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…you said that you just want to be comfortable and resume the friendship. How about saying to him, “Listen, I’m comfortable with our being friends. I want us to be friends. If you keep kicking up such a fuss you’re going to hurt our friendship.”

Let’s see if that line cools his jets.

Related Advice Columns

• Messed Up, Still Want Him Back
• Getting Over His Past
• Break Up
• She Won't Take Me Back. I'm So Lost Without Her
• Husband Wants Divorce Never Loved Me 32 Years Later...
• Still in Love with My Ex But Already Attached to Another
• Bored Wife
• Why Is My Ex Constantly Lying to Me?

Ten Ways to Constructively Handle Anger

1. Factually state what your partner did to upset you and how that behavior made you feel. Remember to avoid global statements (you always, you never) which makes tempers flare. Only focus on the problem at hand.
2. For highly defensive mates, start by giving the benefit of the doubt: I know you didn't mean to upset me...and then use the formula in step one.
3. Another tip for highly defensive mates: avoid the word "you." Instead of saying, I feel X when you do Y, reword your sentence so that the word "you" doesn't appear. For example, I feel X when Y is done to me.
4. Deal with your issue as soon as possible or else let it go. Don't harbor resentments.
5. Ask permission from your mate before discussing what's bothering you. For example, you can start by asking: Is this a good time to talk? If your mate says no, then choose an alternate time, preferably within the same day.
6. If you are prone to exploding, then, walk away and cool down before bringing the issue to your mate.
7. Never express raw rage to your mate. Never call each other names or drop character assaults (you're lazy, cheap) which heat up arguments rather than resolve them.
8. If your mate becomes defensive when you describe what's bothering you, you can say, "I'm not saying you intentionally did anything wrong, I'm just telling you how I feel."
9. If your mate is still defensive after you have said #8, then you might say, "Obviously I have offended you. What did I say that rubbed you wrong?"
10. If all else fails, abort mission for a later time. Try talking again when you are both cool.                                                                                                                                                                                http://www.askdrlove.com/

Understand the three main reasons why he may resist opening up to you

In order to help your guy talk, you need to understand the three main reasons why they resist doing so.

First: The male gender role itself encourages guys to keep their feelings close to the vest. This vest is more like a straightjacket that demands of men that they behave in a “macho” way by avoiding the appearance of weakness and vulnerability. Instead of talking about feelings, they focus instead on actions, goals and outcomes.

Second: When a man loves you he doesn’t want to hurt you. This is why many men hesitate to say what they’re thinking and feeling because they want to protect you.

Third: Men often feel inadequate when it comes to emotional communication. They are afraid to open up emotionally fraught discussions because they don’t feel able to hold their own verbally. They may also be afraid of facing your own emotional intensity–most especially your anger. Your anger upsets them more than you could ever imagine, especially when they love you and want to make you happy.http://www.askdrlove.com/news/how-get-man-open-you-emotionally

Can A Long Distance Relationship Work?

Long-distance relationships are difficult to make go the distance due the fact that physical absence is a lens that magnifies and distorts feelings. When a partner is out of sight, the mind becomes a blank screen onto which we project horror movies that are more like sequels to our past traumas. This causes us to brace for lightning to strike twice. So, for example, if you were cast off in a past relationship, you will be casting yourself as the star of the movie Castaway part two--meaning you will be expecting yet another abandonment.

No need to worry. You can shred the blank screen and turn your mental horror movies into a happy ending love story using my 5 simple steps:

1) Daily Maintenance. When you're not in close physical proximity, you have to go the emotional distance by doing extra daily due diligence. This means you're going to need to give your partner even more reassurances of your love than couples who live together. This will put your "love muscle" in tip-top shape so that when you eventually live together full-time, you'll have the skills to take your love to the finish line.

2) Be Transparent. Make sure that you share the details of your day--especially who you saw or will see. This trick helps you to be more present and real in each others' day-to-day lives and fends off jealousy, which is a common problem in long-distance relationships.

3) Avoid Texting No Nos. Don’t tackle tough topics via text (say that 3x fast!). When conflicts arise, remember you can’t address emotionally fraught topics by text. So get on the phone or Skype and TALK the old fashioned way.

4) Have Sex From Afar. When you’re a long distance couple, it’s easy for your sex life to become an ex life. When you’re randy, here’s where technology comes in handy! Have a Skype slumber Party, but don’t go to sleep. Log on to get your freak on.

5) Long Distance Date.  Just because you’re not physically together, doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t have date nights. Get on the phone and watch a movie together, or cook the same dish together and then share the meal, or even get on the phone or Skype, snuggle up and fall asleep together.

You may want to check out my recent HLNTV appearance discussing long distance relationships.

Dr. Love's Relationship Rescue Kit

From my professional counseling experience I know that it is one thing to save a relationship before it falls apart, and quite another to put it back together after it crumbles. I  created a step-by-step plan to help people get their ex back that was as simple and effective as possible. I figured that shouldn’t be too hard since that’s what I’ve been doing both in my advice columns and in private practice for the past three decades. I had already helped so many couples go from breakup to makeup. Check out  Dr. Love’s Relationship Rescue Kit  to help mend a broken relationship.

The Honesty Experiment, with guest Kira M. Newman

Tuesday, August 27th, 1pm (EST) on Talk Zone Radio: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Join me this week for a discussion with Kira M. Newman, founder of the Honesty Experiment, a 30-day challenge where people commit to being honest with themselves and others. Each day, they get a little tip or question to guide their journey to self-improvement. Kira ran the Honesty Experiment for Couples in August and is planning other special experiments for figuring out a career, for entrepreneurs, and for worriers. Kira is also a senior writer and editor for Tech Cocktail, a media and events company for tech startups and entrepreneurs.  

I’ll also be sharing my simple rule for knowing when it’s good to be honest and when it’s good to button your lip. Once you understand this rule, your relationships will rule.

Join me for what promises to be an honest to goodness interesting show! 
http://askdrlove.com/radio-shows/honesty-experiment-guest-kira-m-newman