Does She Love Me?

Dear Dr. Love,

I 'm 20 years old and I have been together with my girlfriend for 9 months. Sometimes I get confused and I wonder if she really loves me. Sometimes she really shows a lot of love and sometimes she is really cold. My question is, how or what is the best way to tell if a woman really loves you.

Thank You.

Answer: 

I understand your confusion. There are no hard and fast rules for recognizing whether someone else loves you. Since you say that your girlfriend shows a lot of love, I would say that she probably does love you.

So, if she loves you, why these periods of coolness? I think that she cools because she doesn't know how to deal with her angry feelings toward you. Angry feelings are normal in relationships, but since we haven't been trained to express negative feelings in words, it is common for these feelings to be expressed in actions: 'pulling back 'or 'cooling off, 'etc. Does your girlfriend ever put her angry feelings into words? If she doesn't, then we can assume that when she cools toward you, she is at a loss for how to discuss what's bothering her.

So, next time she cools, ask her, 'I feel a cool wind blowing in my direction. Did I do something to upset you?' When she tells you what you did, listen attentively and thank her for sharing. Regularly inviting her to put her feelings into words, should warm the Siberian winds. Eventually, she will learn how to tell you what is on her mind and avoid the periods of cooling off all together.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

JOIN ME TODAY AT 1PM EST ON BLOG TALK RADIO

In this show, I focus on 8 proven steps for setting oneself free of habitual behavior patterns that interfere with the achievement of New Year’s resolutions. Anyone looking to lose weight, find love or romance, make more money or find a better job, or achieve any number of goals should listen in. I’ll also show how to create a relationship resolution plan that will crank one’s love life into gear for the new year.

Please join me today on BlogTalkRadio.com/ask-dr-love. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

I Give Up

Dear Dr. Love:

I just gotten engaged to my boyfriend and ever since we agreed to get married he has a habbit of seeing me for a few days then not for a few more. he says he does it because he's affraid to get into another serious relationship and that he does truley love me. I just can't help but to feel i put eveything into the relationship and get nothing out. I go to talk to him about this and I feel bad because he has a lot of things happening in his life that I want to be there for him not be add to the problems. What should I do?

From
I give up

Answer: 

You should give up. Why on earth would you want to marry a man that makes you feel that you give everything and get nothing back. You would be wise to understand where your tendency to fall into this pattern stems from. Does this recreate an experience from your formative years? As for this man. He obviously has mixed feelings about intimacy and commitment, and marrying him won't make this problem go away.

You are a sweet woman and very willing to put your needs aside to be there for him. But what about your needs? This man withdraws for long stretches, and the problem isn't going to go away by itself. What can you do? A couple of choices: You can ask him to start talking with you about his mixed feelings rather than acting them out. He needs to understand that when he goes into action (withdrawing for 3 days) he is damaging the relationship.

If he wants a relationship with you, he must talk about his fears whenever they arise, not act. Every time he feels nervous, he is to stay in contact (not pull away). If he can do this, you have a man that 's workable and a relationship that has promise. If he can't control his behavior and must withdraw, you are in for big-time misery with this man. And, you really need to ask yourself if you want to marry a man that will be abandoning you like this. Another option is to mirror his doubts and tell him that you aren't ready to get engaged. This technique will probably bring him closer, but it won't actually heal his underlying fears and issues.

No matter which approach you choose, I wouldn't be marrying so fast. You need to find out whether this man is actually capable of a relationship before commiting yourself for the long haul. My best wishes to you. You are lovely, generous woman who deserves to receive back as much love as she gives.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Love at First Sight

Dr. Love,

I get attached way to easy. Please tell me why I do this. Even if a guy just smiles at me I start to fantasize about how a relationship would be with him, and then I start to get obsessed. And sometimes I get what I want, but I realize they are not what I fantasized about, and I break up with them and get depressed. Please can you tell my why I do this to myself?

Answer: 

When a person is starving for love, and falls head over heals in an instant, we know that unfinished business is afoot. 

In a nutshell, the unconscious mind tries to heals the wounds of childhood by: 1) choosing partners who are similar to the parent(s) that let us down; 2) recreating the painful scenes of the past; and 3) struggling for a happy ending to the wounds of childhood. So, for example, if a person was abandoned by her father as a child, that person will choose a lover that is an abandoner and she will try to win the abandoner's heart. The fantasy is that, if I can make the abandoner stick around and love me, then the hurt from my childhood will be healed (the happy ending).

All humans desperately crave to heal the wounds that remain from childhood. This craving for a healing of the past causes us to: fall in love too easily, fear being alone, or feel addicted to a relationship that doesn't work. These desperate, hungry feelings are actually signals from the unconscious alerting us to the fact that we have an old wound that needs repair.

Obsessive fantasizing may be another clue that the unconscious mind is trying to heal an old wound. Fantasy is the way that the unconscious mind expresses a deep wish. When you fantasize about the people you fall head over heals for, your unconscious mind is finding another way of telling you that it has a secret wish to heal an old wound.

After you get into a relationship, you wake up from the dream and find out that the person you fell for isn't who you thought he was. That is, this person is too much like the parent(s) that let you down (remember, with a repetition compulsion we choose partners that disappoint us like our parents did).

The way out is to: 1) get to know a person very well before becoming involved; 2) be aware of the craving to choose partners who are damaged in the exact same way your parent(s) were and know that you will never find your happy ending from carbon copies of your parent(s); 3) purposely choose partners who can give you your happy ending.

May you have all the Love you desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Can A Long Distance Relationship Work?

Long-distance relationships are difficult to make go the distance due the fact that physical absence is a lens that magnifies and distorts feelings. When a partner is out of sight, the mind becomes a blank screen onto which we project horror movies that are more like sequels to our past traumas. This causes us to brace for lightning to strike twice. So, for example, if you were cast off in a past relationship, you will be casting yourself as the star of the movie Castaway part two--meaning you will be expecting yet another abandonment.

No need to worry. You can shred the blank screen and turn your mental horror movies into a happy ending love story using my 5 simple steps:

1) Daily Maintenance. When you're not in close physical proximity, you have to go the emotional distance by doing extra daily due diligence. This means you're going to need to give your partner even more reassurances of your love than couples who live together. This will put your "love muscle" in tip-top shape so that when you eventually live together full-time, you'll have the skills to take your love to the finish line.

2) Be Transparent. Make sure that you share the details of your day--especially who you saw or will see. This trick helps you to be more present and real in each others' day-to-day lives and fends off jealousy, which is a common problem in long-distance relationships.

3) Avoid Texting No Nos. Don’t tackle tough topics via text (say that 3x fast!). When conflicts arise, remember you can’t address emotionally fraught topics by text. So get on the phone or Skype and TALK the old fashioned way.

4) Have Sex From Afar. When you’re a long distance couple, it’s easy for your sex life to become an ex life. When you’re randy, here’s where technology comes in handy! Have a Skype slumber Party, but don’t go to sleep. Log on to get your freak on.

5) Long Distance Date.  Just because you’re not physically together, doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t have date nights. Get on the phone and watch a movie together, or cook the same dish together and then share the meal, or even get on the phone or Skype, snuggle up and fall asleep together.

You may want to check out my recent HLNTV appearance discussing long distance relationships.

Spotting Online Dating Fakes, Freaks and Frauds

If you’ve been tuning in to my show for a while, you know that my husband died of a bee sting while we were vacationing in Italy. After a couple years, and much nudging from friends, I gave Internet dating a whirl! As a result, I personally came into contact with every flavor of online dating fakes, freaks and frauds.

Each year, millions of educated and successful professional men and women are “taken.”  The romance scams perpetrated against widows alone comprise a multi-million dollar industry.  

Tune in and discover my foolproof method for identifying Emotional Predators and financial scammers before you get hurt emotionally and/or financially.

The Ask Dr. Love Radio Show Airs Tuesday, October 15th, 1pm EST on Talk Zone Radio.

Emotional Foot IN Mouth Disease!

Paula Deen, like millions of people, is suffering from what Dr. Turndorf calls “Emotional Foot IN Mouth Disease!” a worldwide epidemic that’s characterized by speaking without thinking and uttering words that leave behind a wake of damage.

Could you or someone close to you be suffering from the same problem?

To answer this question, ask yourself:

Is my relationship hanging in the balance because of what I or someone else has said in the heat of the moment?

Has my mouth actually caused a relationship to end?

And, if you play back a transcript of what you’ve said, do you want to cringe?   

Tune in to hear Dr. Turndorf’s proven technique for controlling one’s temper and tongue.  

Hosted on TalkZone, AskDrLove with Dr. Jamie Turndorf, is a live one hour Internet radio program airing at 1pm (EST) Tuesday afternoon.

Listeners can also call-in to the show and ask Dr. Turndorf for advice on any of their personal issues.

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My Boyfriend Has a Short Temper. What Do I Do?

Couples therapist Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love) answers the question of a woman loves a man who was verbally and sexually molested in childhood and who now verbally abuses her. She feels great empathy for him, does not want to end the relationship, and asks how to get him into therapy. Search thousands of FREE dating, relationship, and sex advice articles on every imaginable issue, or Ask Dr Love your own question! AskDrLove.com has been Web's premier FREE Relationship Advice site since 1995.

http://askdrlove.com/drlove-advice/my-boyfriend-has-short-temper-what-do-i-do