Untrusting

Dear Dr. Love,

My beau and I have been together for a year and we don’t trust each other. He owns a night club and has girls all over him and seems to think he is doing nothing wrong. I used to work with him but the women began starting rumors about him sleeping around and I couldn’t handle it. He has gone out to dinner with girls from work if I go out of town, thinking maybe I am doing something wrong on him.

I have been faithful to him, and I want to trust each other. I feel like we are going in circles, I feel like we don’t trust each other and it’s tearing me a- part. It makes me feel insecure and as if I ‘m not what he wants. He’s very insecure. I need desperately to know what we can do. He has ex-girlfriends calling him and won’t tell them to stop calling. He lets his ex-fiance call and not say anything to her, no he doesn’t talk to them. I sit at home and go to school. I believe all he says but all the rumors have me doubting him and what he says. I have heard him lie to his friends and say things that he has said to me, when I know that he is. Any advice????

Untrusting. . . . .

Answer: 

You are being mistreated in this relationship. No wonder you don’t trust your boyfriend. This guy is lying to you and flirting with other women right under your nose. And, you say he behaves worse when you go out of town.

Why is he pushing you away? Your friend obviously suffers from fear of abandonment. And, since he is so sure that you will dump him, he makes sure to ‘dump’ you first by dishing out rejecting behaviors. He is emotionally jumping the gun, and attempting to kill you off before you can kill him. I understand that he is afraid. Only one problem. He doesn’t get in touch with these feelings and talk about them. Instead, he acts out and fights against his fears with very relationship destructive behaviors          (flirting, etc. )

What concerns me most is you, not him. In reading your letter, I didn’t get the feeling that you know you are being mistreated. Is it possible that you don’t recognize mistreatment because feeling unsafe in relationships is normal to you. I suspect that something in your formative years has taught you that love is an insecure and untrusting place. But, love should feel safe. And, you should be with a lover who makes you feel like his number one.

There are no quick fixes for your situation. You need to start individual therapy and find out what part of your history you are trying to heal by dating a man like this. Unless this man does the same type of work, I don’t see the possibility for a happy future together. 

Dr Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr Love)

Woman Who Can't Let Go of Ex.

Dear Dr. Love,

I was recently involved in a brief relationship. The relationship was trouble to begin with but I continued seeing the guy. He treated me horribly, but I put up with him. Finally we broke up technically I dumped him, but emotionally he dumped me. I know he meant a lot more to me than I did to him. I'll probably never see him again, but I'm having trouble letting go. I can't stop thinking about him. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm over him, but I'm only fooling myself. How can I let go and move on with my life?

Answer: 

Whenever we can't let go of an ex. , (or whenever emotions nag at us for days on end) we are dealing with unfinished childhood business. In your case, it sounds like you were abused as a kid, and your mind has drawn you to an abuser in an attempt to heal the old wound. You may think, how can being abused once again heal me? It can't. But, our minds, left to their own devices, only know one way to try to heal us. To recreate the abuses of childhood and engage us in the futile process of attempting to make the abuser change and finally love and appreciate us.

And, here's why it's hard to give up an abuser. There is such a burning hope to make this old wound right, that the mind is actually addicted to hanging on to that abuser in the hope that one day he will treat you better. Giving up the abuser, then, becomes a terrible torture and feels like giving up the hope of ever healing the original wound.

The only way around this type of problem is to go into individual or group therapy were you will develop new, non abusive relationships. At the same time, recognize that until this problem is healed in therapy, you will be drawn to abusers and find it hard to give them up. When you experience better, loving treatment in therapy, you will heal and you will develop a model for the kind of relationship you deserve in your life. Until  work this out, it is safer to give outside relationships a rest. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf( aka Dr. Love)

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Crazy Over Talk of the Ex.

Dear Dr. Love,

I have never been in love before I met Scott. I have only had flings with no feelings involved. We have been together for a year in November and we are currently living together. I know everything about his ex girlfriend.

The problem is he always brings up his ex jen. He was with her for three years and they ended thing on good terms. He calls her every now and then just to see how she is. I think thats great! She has her own man and she asks about me.

I just bothers me when we're out having fun and he brings her up. Like he will say ' Oh jen used to drive a car just like that ' . He means no harm, but he has said so many little things about her that it's driving me crazy. She pops in my head all the time.

Please help me find some kind of peace. Should I talk to a shrink? PLEASE HELP I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Answer: 

When you say that you are crazy over talk about your boyfriend's ex. , I assume that beneath this distress is the feeling of insecurity. (Maybe he doesn't love me enough? Maybe he wants to return to her? And so on). The fact that you avoided emotional intimacy in your previous relationships and only had 'flings' makes me wonder if you are afraid to really give yourself to someone else for fear that he will abandon you. If I am correct, then your boyfriend's talk of his ex. would stir up all sorts of abandonment fears.

So, look into this question and see: if it fits with your history; and whether I have detected an Old Scar that needs healing. Now, once you are able to separate your issues from the equation, I think you will be able to see that this man you're with is a lovely person that never turns his back on old friends and lovers. And, the survivor in you has probably been drawn to him because you sensed that he would stick by ( as opposed to abandon) you.

Beware of personalizing his behavior and assuming that it is a reflection of his feelings (or lack of feeling for you). This man is being himself, and I think you are getting worked up because you are inserting your own history into the equation (someone abandoned you before and you are afraid it will happen again). So, do some self-exploration and you should feel less distressed.

Dr Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr Love)

Jealous Junky

I have a big problem. I know that my girlfriend isn't cheating on me but I 'm so jealous if she even looks at another guy. Then I start asking her all kinds of questions. I've even started checking up on her and following her. Things have gotten so bad we 're having nightly scream fests over this. Why can't I shake this jealousy?

Answer: 

There are lots of reasons why you might be hanging on to jealousy. To get past this problem you will have to admit to yourself that your jealousy is a smoke screen for fear: What are you afraid of? Getting dumped? Do you find yourself thinking, 'She'll find someone else and leave me?

'If your answer is 'yes' then we need to find out where this fear stems from. Did someone dump you or threaten to dump you when you were a kid? If this is so, it is understandable that you would have the feeling that your girlfriend would want to drop you.

From now on, instead of flying into jealous fits, admit your fear and ask your girlfriend for reassurances that she loves you. This will bring her closer to you. On the contrary, your jealous fits will push her away and make your worst fears come true.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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Emotional Foot IN Mouth Disease!

Paula Deen, like millions of people, is suffering from what Dr. Turndorf calls “Emotional Foot IN Mouth Disease!” a worldwide epidemic that’s characterized by speaking without thinking and uttering words that leave behind a wake of damage.

Could you or someone close to you be suffering from the same problem?

To answer this question, ask yourself:

Is my relationship hanging in the balance because of what I or someone else has said in the heat of the moment?

Has my mouth actually caused a relationship to end?

And, if you play back a transcript of what you’ve said, do you want to cringe?   

Tune in to hear Dr. Turndorf’s proven technique for controlling one’s temper and tongue.  

Hosted on TalkZone, AskDrLove with Dr. Jamie Turndorf, is a live one hour Internet radio program airing at 1pm (EST) Tuesday afternoon.

Listeners can also call-in to the show and ask Dr. Turndorf for advice on any of their personal issues.

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