Dear Dr. Love:
Currently I find myself in a very confusing situation. You see 4 months ago I packed up my car and everything I could squeeze into it, and headed to the Southeast from Seattle Washington. I left my husband of barely 2 years in search of a new beginning. I left because I could no longer handle his dishonesty and lack of emotional support. I promised myself that I'd concentrate on finding out who I was and what made me happy once I settled from my relocation, and most importantly I promised myself NO MEN!!
Well, I was in my new life no more then 2 weeks when I met the man of my dreams. He's very attractive, smart, and witty. We had so much in common and instantly hit it off. I'm currently 4 months into this relationship and everything is still going fine, but I can't seem to stop thinking about my husband (whom I am separated but not divorced). My husband and I talk on the phone at least once every two weeks, he's been calling my mom, sister, and grandmother apologizing for how neglectful he was to me and seeking their advice on how to get me back.
It seems almost like he's a totally different person when I talk to him now. All I keep thinking about lately are the words he ends are conversations with . . . 'I was wrong. I know I was an idiot. I want my wife back, and if I have to relocate to where you are that 's what I'll do. I love you so much, and I want my wife back.
I'm so torn. I miss and love my husband, but I also have feelings for the guy I'm seeing now. I care about them both, but I'm married to one. What do I do?? I don't want to hurt anyone. HELP!!!
Boy are you in a bind. All I can say to you is, you have to make up your mind regarding whether you want to give your husband a second chance or not? It sounds like a part of you wants to. If your husband were the type of man who apologized and begged for forgiveness every other day, then I'd say his talk is cheap. But, it sounds like your husband really woke up and realized what he lost.
The big question is: how do we know he won't fall back into old habits once he gets you back. And, I would ask him that question. In addition, I would want him to do some serious self and couple work to make sure that the reasons why he neglected you in the past are resolved. Make sure that you don't jump back in the saddle before you have the assurances that you need.
Point being, it is easy to say I'm sorry and I want you back, but it is hard to do the work necessary to make internal changes that stick. Is he willing to do this? He has to do and say a lot to convince you of this. I imagine you're afraid that if you give your husband a second chance, that this new man won't wait around. And, this is a risk. In a conflict like this, you simply need to take a position and go with it. There are pros and cons to each side, and if I were you I would write all the pros and cons down to help you clarify where you stand.
In reading your letter, I kept getting the sense that you would feel guilty and regretful if you didn't give your husband another chance. If that is true, then I can understand why you would want to give him another try. But, please make sure that all your conditions are met before you burn your bridges with your lover.
Good luck,
