Why My Head and Heart Do Not Match

Dear Dr. Love,

I briefly became involved with a married man. Before we were involved, he told me that he was leaving his (pregnant) wife. He also pursued me like there was no tomorrow.

I became convinced, finally, that it was safe to proceed. But soon, I noticed some confusing messages from him about leaving his marriage, and as a result, I ended our relationship immediately.

While I know I did the right thing to take care of myself, why does it feel so bad? It's like I have an argument going on inside my head all the time about this.

And, unbelievably, he feels that I used him and I even feel guilty about that! Just curious why my head and heart do not match.

Thanks Doc.

Signed by: 

curious

Answer: 

If I understand your question, you are experiencing an internal conflict. Conflict arises when different parts of the self are at war with each other.

To help you understand what's going on, I'd like you to imagine your brain or psyche as a three-part puzzle. One part of your psyche is the emotional or id part. This part of the psyche is only interested in gratification, in satisfying urges and going after immediate gratification. This part of your psyche wanted to stay with this man and obtain pleasure through the connection.

The second part of your psyche is your superego or conscience. This part of your brain is berating you with guilt over your having dropped him. The third part of your psyche is your ego or rational self. Your decision to break up with this man was an ego driven decision and based upon a clear decision to take care of yourself and do what's best for you. Just so you know, all decisions should come from the ego, as opposed to the id or superego.

So, pat yourself on the back for having made a healthy choice for yourself. Also, realize that no matter how healthy your choice is this by no means cancels out the thoughts and feelings that emanate from the other parts of your psyche. Your id screams, 'what about me?' and your superego shouts, 'you were wrong to drop him. '

Accepting the fact that we humans are not of one 'mind' and knowing that the various parts of ourselves rarely line up should be a comfort to you. Accept your torn feelings. They are normal.

There is one thing that does concern me, however and that is how harsh your conscience seems to be. It's one thing for the selfish id to throw a tantrum when it isn't gratified--that 's to be expected--but it's quite another thing to berate yourself.

You would be wise to figure out why your conscience is so harsh. Yes, I know that this man is laying a guilt trip on you, but he can't send you on any trip unless you're willing to pack your own bags and go along for the ride.

So, find out why you're so hard on yourself. Was your mom or dad hard on you? Were they hard on themselves and did you incorporate their own traits? Is your self-attack the result of misdirected anger?

Understanding where your self-attack comes from is the first step to softening this overly harsh part of your psyche.

Dr. Jamie Turmdorf (aka Dr. Love)

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Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Do you speak from your heart?

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Problems with my older roommate

Hi Dr. Love,

 I'd like to know your opinion on this.  Here is my situation, I live with a woman that is quite a bit older than me(47) but she is my roommate at the moment.  I made a huge mistake a while back, got drunk and we ended up having sex.  Well now the thing is she has this attitude now like she expects sex.  I've tried to explain to her that it was a mistake, but it's almost like it's not registering.  She does things now like grab my crotch and she will get upset if I refuse to be intimate with her.  How can I be diplomatic as a roommate and still get the message through that I'm not attracted to her?

Signed by: 

diplomatic roommate

Answer: 

Wow. You are in a tight spot! Only not the tight spot she has in mind! So you got drunk and had sex with her, and now she’s refusing to hear that you’re not attracted to her. I imagine she figures you’re playing hard to get.

Wow! Her attempts at seduction leave a lot to be desired. She’s treating you like an object, and her approach is very aggressive and disrespectful. Here’s the deal. Since she’s not a subtle person, your attempts at being subtle are going right over her head. I’m afraid that the only way to get through to someone like this is to hit her over the head with a brick. I don’t mean that literally. I mean you’re going to have to be undiplomatic and blunt.

You can try one more attempt at diplomacy, but I don’t think it will reach her. If you want to try, you could say, “I notice that despite my repeated statements telling you that I don’t want to have sex again, you seem to not be hearing me. Is the reason that you keep on grabbing me because you think I’m playing hard to get and that I don’t mean what I say?” See what she says. If she says that she did think you were playing with her, then you can tell her that you are not. You want her to stop grabbing you.

I suspect that you’re going to have to be even more blunt. She’s blunt in the way she’s grabbing your crotch; you will likely need to be equally blunt with your words and say, “You don’t seem to be getting the point. I do not want to have sex with you. I was drunk and didn’t even know who I was having sex with. It was a mistake. I want you to stop coming on to me.”

I'm afraid that the only way you're going to reach her is by being assertive. If she still doesn’t lay off, you need to get another roommate!

Good Luck,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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Why couples in conflict suck at listening

How to Listen with the Ears of Your Heart

Join me today at 1pm (EST) on Blog Talk Radio! 

Have you ever noticed that couples in conflict suck at listening?

And did you know that on the road to conflict resolution, listening is the superhighway!

In this show, I’m going to reveal why listening is nearly absent in conflicted relationships.

And why so many couples fall into the “deaf pit?”

In a nutshell, here’s how most couples derail...You have a beef. You try to talk to your partner. Your partner doesn’t listen. You get pissed and up the volume, which only makes your partner more deaf.

Now your "discussion" spins totally out of control. No resolution occurs, which leads you to feel terminally ticked off.

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Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

If you have miss one of my shows the are available on demand at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love