Worried Wife

Dr. Love,

I recently caught my husband outrageously flirting with different women in a chat room. It really bothered me because he never flirts with me anymore. He says I have no reason to worry, that he is not doing anything wrong. However, I am still troubled by it. Do you feel I have reason to worry or should I just put it in the past and forget it?

Worried Wife

Answer: 

Why is it that we women try to talk ourselves out of what we feel and what we know? If you feel worried, then you need to respect your feelings. And, just because your husband wants to dismiss your feelings doesn't mean that you have to follow his lead.

When he says that he isn't doing anything wrong, he is missing the point. He is in a relationship with you, and, if you feel upset by his behavior, then he needs to realize: If an action is wrong for you, then it's wrong for the relationship, and ultimately wrong for him. . . that is if he wants to keep this relationship.

So, I would approach him again. When he tries to discount your feelings, I would tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, he needs to consider how you feel. The bottom line here is this: you feel that your intimacy needs aren't being met (he never flirts with you any more). Moreover, his behavior is an act of hostility. He is flirting with other women under your nose. This is f. u. behavior and if he doesn't know it, then, maybe it's time he found out.

So, I would ask him: Do you want a relationship with me? If he says he does, then I would inform him that, if he wants a relationship with you, he must be responsive to your feelings. I would also ask him, 'What are you telling me when you flirt with other women in the chat room?' If he says, 'I'm not telling you anything. ' Don't buy that answer. I would say, 'Behavior always communicates thoughts and feelings. What thoughts and feelings are you conveying to me?' Ask him how he wants you to feel about his behavior. What does he want you to think. And, how does he want you to interpret his behavior. Ask him how he would feel if you behaved this way.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

In Love But Out of Words

Dear Dr. Love,

I have this crush on this guy I like. I've had a crush on him for several weeks now. What my question is, is how do I tell him that I'm in love with him? My feelings are so strong for him. I just need a way to tell him. Please help me solve this!

Answer: 

I don't know if you are at a true loss of words, or whether you are afraid to say what's on your mind, for fear of rejection. If you are simply at a loss for words, then I would say exactly how you feel, minus the four letter word, love.

I'm not saying that your feelings of love are wrong, but, if you voice them on the first round, you could scare the guy away. So, instead, you could say something positive or complimentary to the guy you like. Study his good features and choose one of the features that you like most about him. For example, you might say, 'I wanted to tell you how much I admire your kindness or intelligence, and would like to get to know you better. '

By saying that you are interested in deepening the relationship, you kill two birds with one stone: First, you don't overwhelm the guy with love declarations, which may seem premature since you haven't even started dating! In which case, he could run, as I said already. But, also when you stick your emotional toe in the water, rather than diving in head first, you protect yourself from outright rejection.

So, let this relationship percolate like fine coffee. Begin a friendship, then let that deepen into more. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Be aware of what you’re feeling

It is very important to be aware of what you’re feeling from moment-to-moment. Otherwise, your feelings can get easily brushed under your emotional rug, which turns you into a ticking time bomb that can explode at any moment. Instead of being in charge, you become a loose cannon on deck that fires off ammunition without warning.

Lack of awareness starts in childhood when we learn to swallow our feelings in order to avoid our parents’ anger and punishments.

As we bury our feelings, we develop unconscious defense mechanisms to help us keep our unwanted feelings, especially our angry feelings, under wraps.

Two common defense mechanisms are avoidance and denial. When we deny and avoid our feelings of anger, many problems including depression, anxiety and panic attacks, as well as physical ailments, like ulcers, headaches and colitis can result.

Displacement is yet another defense that we develop to handle anger. With displacement, we temporarily bury our anger, which we later dump or displace onto someone else. For example, if you’re angry with the boss, you might come home and kick the dog. In the case of Paula Deen, there’s a good chance that her hostile, anti racial comment was a way to vent anger that had built-up inside her from another, unrelated source. In fact, racism can be a form of displacement in which a person misdirects his/her anger onto an entire group of people.

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