Why Me?

I am a 19 year old 1st year college girl and I really need your relationship advice. I have like NO luck with guys at all. I am a really great person, I have never had sex, I am waiting for the right guy I guess. I am pretty attractive, I have been told many times.

I get into relationships with guys and I try not to fall for them too fast because I know that they will end up hurting me. They treat me great and I get hooked, once I do, they dump me! I haven't had a 'serious' relationship for more than 3 months. I was however 'seeing' a guy for almost a year. I just don't know what is wrong with me, I treat the guys I am with great. I am a sweet and caring person.

What am I doing wrong!?! I need to know why the guys I date end up to be jerks. Am I a jerk magnet? 

Well, please help! Thank you!

Signed by: 

Why Me?

Answer: 

Yes, you do need relationship advice! My first piece of advice is to tell you that all your relationships sound scripted. Like you know the beginning, middle and end before you turn the first page of a relationship. And, because you are sure of the outcome, you avoid getting attached, because you know that you will end up being hurt and rejected, again.

Whenever you find yourself playing out a script, or caught in a repetitive scenario, there is only one reason why this is happening. The mind is replaying some core scene of childhood that hasn't been healed.  

So, you need to find out what childhood trauma is being replayed for you. It sounds like you are reliving an abandonment theme. Someone made you trust him (or her) then rejected you.

To figure out your specific Old Scar, think back to what hurt most when you when you were young. 

After you identify your Old Scar, next we need to figure out what healing you need. Sometimes the replaying of a past wound is the mind's way of exorcising the bad feelings. By reliving the painful feelings of the past, feelings weaken until they are fully worked through.

Mostly, the mind wishes to replay the past in order to achieve the Happy Ending that I talk so often about. Your Happy Ending as a child would have most likely been that parent sticking around rather than walking out. Your Happy Ending now would be finding a boyfriend who sticks around and doesn't reject or abandon you.

It's important that you is to stop replaying the old abandonment theme in real life, where the stakes are higher and each new abandonment adds insult to injury and drives the wound deeper inside you.

I suggest you take a break from dating for now and enter therapy. In good therapy, you will have the opportunity to replay the abandonment feelings and obtain the Happy Ending with a therapist who doesn't leave you.

When you are healed, you will be acutely aware of the people that you choose to date. You will not only be able to read the clues and pick out abandoners. (You already seem to sense from the beginning that the people you are choosing are abandoners.) but you will also be ready to avoid these people.  

Again, I encourage you to have no relationships until you work this issue out in therapy. Being alone is better than being abandoned again and again.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

In Love But Out of Words

Dear Dr. Love,

I have this crush on this guy I like. I've had a crush on him for several weeks now. What my question is, is how do I tell him that I'm in love with him? My feelings are so strong for him. I just need a way to tell him. Please help me solve this!

Answer: 

I don't know if you are at a true loss of words, or whether you are afraid to say what's on your mind, for fear of rejection. If you are simply at a loss for words, then I would say exactly how you feel, minus the four letter word, love.

I'm not saying that your feelings of love are wrong, but, if you voice them on the first round, you could scare the guy away. So, instead, you could say something positive or complimentary to the guy you like. Study his good features and choose one of the features that you like most about him. For example, you might say, 'I wanted to tell you how much I admire your kindness or intelligence, and would like to get to know you better. '

By saying that you are interested in deepening the relationship, you kill two birds with one stone: First, you don't overwhelm the guy with love declarations, which may seem premature since you haven't even started dating! In which case, he could run, as I said already. But, also when you stick your emotional toe in the water, rather than diving in head first, you protect yourself from outright rejection.

So, let this relationship percolate like fine coffee. Begin a friendship, then let that deepen into more. 

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Helplessly in Love with a Co-Worker

Dear Dr. Love,

I am a 25 year old single female (now 5 months free from a relationship) and have been utterly IN LOVE with a male co-worker of mine for almost a year. We are both teachers. We are both single and 1 year apart. I tried to forget about him over the summer but it didn't work. All I ever think about is him. Everything about us seem to match up perfectly except for the fact that he has no idea of my feelings for him and I could never come out and admit them; most of the time when we speak we look away from each other and I start to babble or stutter or fall or something just as clumsy.

All of our other co-workers and even students have said that we would make the 'perfect' couple. I don't know what to do. Could my dream to be with him ever become a reality? . Please Help me.

Signed, 

Helplessly in love with a co-worker

Answer: 

I am wondering why you tried to forget about this man who sounds just right for you. Were you afraid that he would never like you, and, so, you tried to convince yourself to forget him. Your confidence doesn't seem as a high as it deserves to be. You don't seem to realize how attractive and desirable you are. How do I know? It's pretty obvious to that your dream lover likes you too. (You said that he looks away from you when you talk with each other. You are so caught up with your own feelings that you didn't realize that he has a crush on you. In fact, he is shy like you are and afraid to be turned down by you! He hides his face because he is afraid that you will read his attraction for you and reject him!)

So, what we have are two shy people who are terrified to be rejected. I know you said that you could never admit your interest. Why not? What's the worst that could happen? That he would tell you that he just wants to be friends (I highly doubt it. ) But, even if he did say that he wasn't interested in more, you won't die, I promise you that. You might feel embarrassed, but you won't die. 

You might also try solo rehearsals. Imagine yourself telling him that you are interested in deepening the relationship and imagine him refusing. If you practice in this way, the feeling of terror should weaken after several 'Dr. runs. ' Then, you should be more able to take a chance. Remember, the sayings: 'The only people who fail are those who don't try. . . And, nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

If after all the above steps, you still feel too afraid to face him, you could send him a note telling him how you feel. Promise me that you will do something. 

Dr. Jamie Turdorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Not Sure How to Read a Shy Guy

Relationship expert Dr. Jamie Turndorf helps a woman figure out how to decipher the mixed signals that a guy in her poetry class in sending her. AskDrLove.com is the Web's premier free relationship advice site since 1996. Search thousands of relationship, marriage, dating, and sex advice articles and videos on every imaginable problem, or Ask Dr. Love your own question!

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