True but Sad

Dr. Love,

I was engaged to my girlfriend of two years. People might have thought she was more attached than I was possibly. Not the case however. She ended up leaving me. We have been away from each other for at least 4-5 months. Since then I met a very nice girl which I have been dating for about 1 1/2 months.

I am now finding that I miss my ex dearly, so I broke it off with my current. My ex lives down the street, yet we haven’t even seen each other out. Things ended harshly. We have only a few friends in common, I haven’t said a word about how I still remorse. I need minor advice on how to open the lines of communication, just as friends, to make myself feel better. How would I go about opening communication?

Sad but true

Answer: 

The best way to open lines of communication is to open them. You know where she lives. You know her address. You know her phone number. Choose the mode of communication that suits you best and start talking. Tell her exactly what you told me. That you regret having broken up. That you miss her dearly. That you broke off with the woman you were dating because you can’t see yourself with anyone but her. If this sounds too mushy and you prefer to reestablish a friendship, then, tell her that you miss her friendship and want to be in touch with her again. You could also tell her that you aren’t happy with the way your relationship ended and with the things that were said to each other. Tell her that you are sure that she has feelings leftover that she never told you. Maybe she is hurt or angry by some of the things you said or did. And, tell her that you are open to hearing all about how she feels about how you behaved during the break-up or, for that matter, how you behaved during the relationship.

 Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Hopeless

Dear Dr. Love,

I used to go out with this guy 5 years ago, I have been in love with him for about 6 years now. About 6 months ago we started talking and kind of seeing one another however he is engaged and he tells me he really likes me and wants to have sexual relations, and oral sex. He says he is afraid that his fiancee will find out if he does these things. . I am so much in love with him I would do anything for him. . . Please help me!!!!!

Hopeless

Answer: 

So, let's see if I get this straight. This man who is engaged to another woman wants you to give him oral sex. He wants you to do it on the sly so that he doesn't jeopardize his relationship with his fiancee. What's he offering you in return? Lockjaw!!! This man proposes to treat you like a whore. . . or worse. He's not even paying to use you.

At this point, I think you need to find out why you are so in love with someone who degrades you. I can give you a hint as to why I think you are so drawn this man. If you read over your letter, you will see that you sound desperate to have him. Your urgent tone gives me a clue that your mind is locked in a repetition compulsion (the urge to recreate a traumatic aspect of childhood, so that it can work for a happier ending). What traumatic aspect of your childhood is being recreated here? I suspect that you felt you had to chase your dad (or mom) for love and attention, and that despite your efforts, you felt used and not loved back.

By giving this man what he wants, you are sending out the message: Use me, buddy. I don't respect myself, so you don't have to either. You will never win this man by allowing yourself to be used. I repeat, he will never respect you or love you, if you go through with your plan.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)