Not Much to Look At

Dear Dr. Love:

I have a boyfriend who works with a very attractive woman. They work very long hours. He treats her very well and at times I find myself becoming overwhelmingly jealous. I am not much to look at and I sometimes wonder if looks are important to him. Should I trust him?

Not Much to Look At

Answer: 

You ask if you should trust your boyfriend. If you are worried about your status in the relationship, you could ask him, 'how are we doing together?' or 'how is our relationship going?' and see what he says. Also, you might privately consider whether he has changed in the way he treats you? Is he looking for excuses not to be with you? Is he suddenly behaving differently?

If your boyfriend seems to be behaving as he always did toward you and he tells you that everything is fine between you both, then we can assume that the issue lies within yourself. So, in order to build up your confidence about the relationship, start by reminding yourself that your boyfriend chose to date you. If he had been married to movie star looks, then he wouldn't have chosen you in the first place. I have often met gorgeous guys who are madly in love with plain looking women. Attraction is much more than skin deep, and a woman who is ugly can actually appear beautiful if she resonates with self-confidence.

It sounds to me as though your self-esteem leaves something to be desired. My goodness, you do put yourself down (I am not much to look at). I have seen absolute dogs who think they are Miss Americas. Do you know what is attractive about you? If you don't know, start making a list. If you need help, ask friends to tell you your attractive points. If you don't soon feel better about yourself, you will be doubting your boyfriend at every turn. (There will always be another pretty colleague that has you worried sick. )

So, work on improving your self-esteem. Every day, remind yourself out loud what is special and wonderful about you. If you don't feel better about yourself in six weeks, contact me again, and we'll go to the next step.

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Loving and Confused

Dear Dr. Love:

I am very confused on what I should do in the relationship my ex-girlfriend/fiance? You see I don't know if I should still call her my girlfriend/fiance or what.

About two weeks ago we had a talk about our relationship, she said that she loves me with all her heart but she doesn't know what kind of love it is (Boyfriend or Just Friend). We were stuck in a rut for the last little while not going out as much or doing new things. She says that there will be some days when I kiss her, or touch her, she loves it and it makes her feel good, but there are days, when I touch her or kiss her and she thinks too herself, (wait a minute why did he do that we are friends).

She says that she is confused and wants to remain very good friends until she figures all this out. I have no problem with that, except that not being with her is driving me crazy. I love her very much, and I don't want to lose her. Do you think you could help?

Signed: Loving and Confused.

Answer: 

You're in a tough spot. It's not easy to give your friend space to figure everything out and still want her as much as you do.

I have three suggestions for you:

1. Point out to your friend that in every relationship, feelings fluctuate, which means that some days we feel more friendly, some days more passionate, some days we feel love and some days we feel hate. This is normal and happens to everyone. By educating her about emotions, we will help her to know that her fluctuating emotions are normal.
2. Encourage her to figure out her emotions with you rather than trying to figure them out on her own. Tell her that since this is a relationship issue and she's not sure how she feels about you, it will be better for her to figure this out with you. So that she doesn't feel pressured to stay lovers, you can tell her that whatever she finally decides, you will accept. How can you help her figure out her feelings for you when you are together? Keep a finger on her emotional pulse and every time she seems to be cooling off or drifting from you, step in and ask her: 'Is this one of those times that you feel less connected to me?' or 'Is this one of those times that you feel like my friend. 'By doing this, you are helping her to realize that all her feelings are fine and that she can talk about them with you without running away from you.
3. When you discuss her feelings, it would be good to do what I call a Check Out. Make sure that she isn't pulling away from you because she is upset about something you said or did. To Check Out with her you could ask: 'Did I do or say anything to make you want to pull away from me?' Sometimes, when an angry feeling comes up and it is not discussed and resolved, a person will feel less close (like a friend instead of a lover) and not know why. By doing what I have suggested, you are making sure that her cool offs are not due to misdirected anger.

So, you are now armed to work on this issue with your friend.  Good luck. I hope she's smart enough to stick with you.

Dr. Love: Stir up romance in the kitchen!

 
Are you looking for the perfect way to kick up the heat in your relationship? Therapist and relationship expert Jamie Turndorf, aka Dr. Love, tells HLN's Natasha Curry that the kitchen should be used for more than just cooking.
More information can be found at AskDrLove.com!

The Pursuit Of Happiness

In this episode of Ask Dr. Love radio, Dr. Jamie Turndorf discusses how to train oneself to be happy.

“Whether a person sees the glass as half full, half empty...or worse...totally empty, it is possible to change one’s outlook,” says Dr. Jamie Turndorf.

While it is true that our temperaments are largely defined from birth, the latest research shows that there is much that can be done to alter attitude and mood. This means that humans have the power to tip the emotional scale from sorrow to smiles.

Ask Dr Love Radio this Tuesday on Talkzone.com!

Cooking Up Some LOVE!

Did you know that an apron is as good as a negligee for sparking a man’s sexual interest?

To discover all the other little known aphrodisiac foods that you should be using, tune in for my sure fire recipe for setting your lovelife on fire.

Find out more on Ask Dr Love Radio, this Tuesday, July 9th 1pm (EST)  1pm EST on Talk Zone Radio)on Talk Zone Radio.  

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