"Long Distance Love: Keeping Things Hot From Afar."

Long-distance relationships are difficult to make go the distance due the fact that physical absence is a lens that magnifies and distorts feelings. When a partner is out of sight, the mind becomes a blank screen onto which we project horror movies that are more like sequels to our past traumas. This causes us to brace for lightning to strike twice. So, for example, if you were cast off in a past relationship, you will be casting yourself as the star of the movie Castaway part two--meaning you will be expecting yet another abandonment.

No need to worry. You can shred the blank screen and turn your mental horror movies into a happy ending love story using my 5 simple steps:

1) Daily Maintenance. When you're not in close physical proximity, you have to go the emotional distance by doing extra daily due diligence. This means you're going to need to give your partner even more reassurances of your love than couples who live together. This will put your "love muscle" in tip-top shape so that when you eventually live together full-time, you'll have the skills to take your love to the finish line.

2) Be Transparent. Make sure that you share the details of your day--especially who you saw or will see. This trick helps you to be more present and real in each others' day-to-day lives and fends off jealousy, which is a common problem in long-distance relationships.

3) Avoid Texting No Nos. Don’t tackle tough topics via text (say that 3x fast!). When conflicts arise, remember you can’t address emotionally fraught topics by text. So get on the phone or Skype and TALK the old fashioned way.

4) Have Sex From Afar. When you’re a long distance couple, it’s easy for your sex life to become an ex life. When you’re randy, here’s where technology comes in handy! Have a Skype slumber Party, but don’t go to sleep. Log on to get your freak on.

5) Long Distance Date.  Just because you’re not physically together, doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t have date nights. Get on the phone and watch a movie together, or cook the same dish together and then share the meal, or even get on the phone or Skype, snuggle up and fall asleep together.

 Check out my recent HLNTV appearance discussing long distance relationships.

I also devoted an entire Ask Dr. Love show titled "How to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Go the Distance," which you can listen to on this site or download to listen at home or on your mobile device. In this show I answer all of the questions below, expand on this 5 step guide in detail, and so much more!

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Taming the Green-Eyed Monster of Jealousy

Do you often find yourself feeling jealous of your partner, even though you know deep down that your suspicions are probably irrational and unfounded?

Or...

Is your partner accusing you of “whoreacious” actions when your slate is squeaky clean?

In other words, are you or your partner jealousy junkies? And is jealousy holding your relationship hostage?

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that you value, particularly a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

Just so you know, people don’t express jealousy through a single emotion or single behavior and instead express it through diverse emotions and behaviors. Some say romantic jealousy is a complex of thoughts, feelings, and actions that follow threats to self-esteem and/or threats to the existence or quality of the relationship, when those threats are generated by the perception of a real or potential attraction, emotional involvement or love between your partner and a rival—real or imagined.

So jealousy can be boiled down to any negative reaction that occurs as the result of a partner's extradyadic (this means outside the dyad—which is the fancy term for a couple) relationship that is real, imagined, or considered likely to occur.

In the case of sexual jealousy, this threat emanates from knowing or suspecting that one's partner has had (or desires to have) sexual activity with a third party.

Jealousy is also thought to be a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, caused by the partner's involvement with an activity and/or another person that is contrary to the jealous person's definition of their relationship.

It is also known that jealousy is triggered by the threat of separation from, or loss of, a romantic partner, when that threat is attributed to the possibility of the partner's romantic interest in another person.

At this point, I bet you’re reading to hear how to cure jealousy.

The cure comes to do healing the root cause, which is lack of self-love. If you love yourself for the unique person you are, then feeling threatened by imaginary rivals diminishes. And when you are no longer in competition with other women or men, you will become less vulnerable to feelings of jealousy.  Relationships mirror how you feel inside. If you feel irreplaceable in your relationship, you become irreplaceable, and then jealousy disappears. What I’m talking about is what I call raising your Personal Net Worth. This consists of becoming a loving and affirming parent to yourself, tending to your physical, emotional and spiritual needs, and surrounding yourself with loving and supportive people.

The ultimate way to prevent and/or cure jealousy is to feel that you are a unique and irreplaceable person.

And, paradoxically, the more you have the courage to expose who you truly are on the inside—the more authentic you allow yourself to be—the more you will be revealing just how unique and irreplaceable you are, which will help you transcend any actual threat of being replaced by potential rivals.

For a full explanation of how to cure yourself of jealousy by raising your Personal Net Worth, read my book Make Up Don’t Break Up.

To understand fully what Old Scars are, how they are formed, how they affect your relationships, and how to heal them, read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-By-Step Guide For Resolving Relationship Conflict.

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What Is Love?

You love chocolate…

and busty blonds or bulging muscles…

cute furry animals…

your brother or sister…

your mom and dad…

your lover or spouse…

How can the same word have such different meanings?

Scientists tell us that passionate/romantic love is nothing more than a chemical cocktail that combines nerve growth factor, testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin.

I say this chemical cocktail is truly an elixir of the Gods for this love potion works divine magic on humanity, literally modifying our character, making us more flexible, kind, thoughtful, considerate, creative, generous, receptive and responsive to our beloveds. Love is truly medicine that fortifies our soul’s true purpose on earth: To perfect our ability to love others.

People think of love as a feeling. I say that love is an action. In order for love to survive and thrive, you must actively appreciate the goodness in each other each and every day of your lives.

But that is easier said than done. Because no matter how similar two people are conflict inevitably erupts in all intimate relationships. It is how you handle your conflicts and the negative feelings that go with it that will determine whether your love makes old bones or sadly ends up in the bone yard.

As humans, we must eternally strive to keep overcoming and surpassing the hurdles that life throws in the path of love. Each day we must work to keep love alive in our hearts, treating the gift of each day as yet another chance to perfect our ability to love more perfectly.

For more information on my article; What Is Love please visit http://www.askdrlove.com/top-relationship-questions/what-is-love

Or to sign up for my newsletter click here.

Create-A-Mate: How To Create A Profile Of The Perfect Partner

When it comes to mate selection, most people allow themselves to be guided by superficial factors such as physical appearance or outward trappings of success, such as flashy cars, and so on.

Despite the conscious rationalizations that most people come up with to explain their choice of mate, the reality is that mate choice is primarily driven by the unconscious mind. In fact, it’s said that 98% of the choices we make (the jobs we choose and the partners we select) is driven by the unconscious part of the psyche. Unfortunately, in the realm of mate selection, the unconscious mind is notorious for steering us wrong--especially if we are still saddled with Old Scars from childhood.

Unfortunately, because we choose partners who are limited and damaged in the exact same ways that our parents were, we never succeed in obtaining that Happy Ending. Instead we just keep banging our heads on the proverbial wall, fighting the same old fight, draining our lives away day by day, all the while getting nowhere.

To truly break free, you need to identify and heal your Old Scar. When your healing is finished, you will no longer be drawn to a “damaged goods” domestic partner. I have many ways to assist you in healing: the advice archives on this site are loaded with articles on this topic (see unfinished business, repetition compulsion, and Old Scars). In addition, my book, Till Death Do Us Part(Unless I Kill You First) presents my step-by-step plan for identifying and healing your Old Scars. Last but not least, my book Make Up Don’t Break Up shows you how to further nurture yourself and raise your self-esteem.

Once you’ve healed your Old Scar and raised what I call your Personal Net Worth, you will be ready to form a healthy relationship. At this point, you are ready to magnetize the right partner to you.

My free Create A Mate workbook will help you to do just that. This guide is based on all the factors that are related to compatibility, which includes Homogamy (or similarity in all the areas that matter most), Relationship Enhancing Communications, and strong Couple Identity. ( Read my article "How Can I Tell If We're Compatible?" for a full understanding of compatibility.)

To get your free copy of Create-A-Mate: Dr. Love’s Blueprint for Discovering Your Ideal Partner & Avoiding Incompatibility , all you have to do is sign up for my weekly newsletter. To get the newsletter click here . All my mailing lists strictly follow CAN-SPAM laws to ensure that you can unsubscribe at any time and your information is confidential.

Is Your Partner Ready For Love? Or Does Your Frog Have Too Many Warts?

Nobody is perfect. We all have character flaws. But if you’re reading this, you're probably experiencing relationship problems of some kind and wondering if it's possible that your partner is too broken to form a lasting and solid bond with you.

You may be asking yourself if it's possible that your frog could shed those warts and grow into a prince or princess, or are those warts permanent? And is there any way to tell? I've created a test that will enable you to determine your partner’s “Relationship Readiness” so you can find out once and for all if your partner has Old Scars from childhood or any other kind of fatal relationship flaw that means you should throw in the glove!  

Usually, there are two signs that your relationship isn’t working: you’re fighting like felines and canines OR you feel that you’re drifting apart. Whatever, the situation may be, you know deep down that something is wrong because you aren’t happy with the way your partner is acting and treating you.

The first step to breaking free of this pattern is to remove the blinders, stop pretending that your partner is not covered in warts and see your partner for who he/she really is: a carbon copy of the parent who let you down. The second step to breaking free of this pattern is to vow to choose partners who are NOT covered in emotional warts and are therefore dead wrong for you.

Now that you understand what's going on, it's time to take an honest look at your partner and see whether the person you’re dating, engaged to, living with or married to has the psychological chops to form and or maintain a stable and lasting relationship with you.

To find out for sure if your partner is relationship material or not, sign up for my newsletter and you can instantly download my FREE test called "Is Your Partner Ready For Love? Dr. Love’s 66 Keys For Measuring Your Partner’s Relationship Readiness." Sign up NOW, click here to find out more about what you get with my newsletter. All my mailing lists strictly follow CAN-SPAM laws to ensure that you can unsubscribe at any time and your information is confidential.
  

How Can I Tell If We're Compatible?

Many of the relationship problems people have asked me for advice about over the years have had to do with compatibility issues. Sometimes people don't suspect that their problems are due to incompatibility, while others suspect that incompatibility is to blame when it really isn't.

According to research, there are three main factors that are closely linked to compatibility. The first is Homogamy, or similarity, the second is Relationship Enhancing Communications, and the third is strong Couple Identity.

Let’s start with Homogamy. Research proves that homogamy, or similarity, is a master key that unlocks the mystery of compatibility. The notion of opposites attracting is a common relationship myth when, in fact, couples who are too dissimilar find themselves fighting over every issue big and small. The truth is, the more similar you and your partner are, the more compatible you will be.

Now to turn to the second key factor in determining compatibility: Relationship Enhancing Communications. Even if you aren’t bogged down by Old Scars, and even if you are similar in all the areas that matter most, you and your partner may still be arguing. When couples find themselves trapped in ongoing and intractable fighting cycles, they will naturally question their level of compatibility. While fighting may, indeed, be a sign of incompatibility, it can also be indicative of various communication skills deficits that lead to fighting and not a symptom of incompatibility at all. And, for these couples, when vital communication skills are acquired, they discover that they always were and will continue to be quite compatible.

The third aspect of compatibility is what’s called Couple Identity. This term refers to how strongly a couple sees itself as a “we” instead of each partner remaining an individual “I.” Interestingly, UC Berkeley researcher, Robert Levenson, found that couples who emphasized their “separateness” by using pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This was especially true for older couples. Their use of separateness pronouns was most strongly linked to unhappy marriages, according to the study. To have a happy marriage, being part of a "we" is well worth giving up a bit of "me." Levenson’s research is published in The Journal of Psychology and Aging.

To get your free Are We Compatible? Dr. Love’s 118 Factors for Measuring Compatibility With Your Partner test, all you have to do is subscribe to my weekly newsletter. Sign up NOW using the form in the right hand column on this page, or click here to find out more about what you get with my newsletter. All my mailing lists strictly follow CAN-SPAM laws to ensure that you can unsubscribe at any time and your information is confidential.

How Can I Tell If He Is Really Into Me?

No matter whether you’re young or old, and no matter how much life experience you have, you may still be unclear as to whether the guy you have your eye on is truly interested in you.

I mean, he may be attracted to you. But, let’s face it…a guy can get turned on by a stiff breeze!

So how can you tell if his interest extends beyond mere physical attraction?

Is there a way to tell whether he sees you as a potential soul mate rather than a mere sexual playmate?

How can you know if he is truly interested in YOU...the kind of interest that makes a guy want to know you more deeply, and even create a lifetime of lasting love?

Is there a way to know BEFORE you expose yourself and invest your heart? And, last but not least, is there something you can do to fan the flames of his heart and even spark his interest in you?

The answer to all of these questions is a resounding Yes!!

When you use my free "Is He Interested In Me? Dr. Love’s Guide To Determining If The Guy You’re Interested In Is Really Into You" test. you will be able to if your heart throb’s heart beats for you. This test will also show you how to raise his heartbeat (no, we’re not speaking about other body parts!).

Before you take the test, I want to give you a few general pointers regarding men and mate selection.

Men are hunters by nature. This means that they are instinctively wired to hunt prey and pursue the partners they want. So when a man is interested he will move heaven and earth to get to you.

Yet, paradoxically, research shows that men are afraid of being rejected. This means that even the most confident men will wait for signals from you--what I call Green Lights--that let them know that you are interested in them before they stick their necks out.

In fact, research shows that women are actually the ones to make the first move by sending Green Lights to let a man know that he’s welcome to approach.

And, according to observational research, men only approach women after they have received clear Green Lights!

Green Lights consist of open, approachable body language, praising, admiring and appreciating him, smiling, making eye contact, and offering a body posture that is open and receptive.

Interestingly, studies also show that women’s signals are often so subtle that most men miss these signals altogether! The result is they never approach you because they don’t register your interest.

In conclusion, I want you to register two points: First, since men are wired to pursue, this means that you should never pursue or chase a man who is the object of your interest. Let the male do his job, which is to compete with other males to win you, who he sees as the most desirable of females.

To get my free "Is He Interested In Me? Dr. Love’s Guide To Determining If The Guy You’re Interested In Is Really Into You" test, all you have to do is sign up for my weekly newsletter. Look for the signup form in the right hand column on this page, or click here to find out more about what you get with my newsletter. All my mailing lists strictly follow CAN-SPAM laws to ensure that you can unsubscribe at any time and your information is confidential.

Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First)

Are you sick and tired of fighting?

Do you want to rekindle the love and passion that you felt in the beginning?

I can help you do this!

Now is your chance to join the millions of happy couples who have followed my relationship advice and mastered my method for transforming raw, angry feelings into constructive communications that bring you closer together.

In my book, you will:

• Learn about the biological "Chemistry of Conflict" causes of fighting and how to handle them.
• Discover your and your partner's "Old Scars" that are also fueling your conflicts and how to heal them.
• Identify and eliminate your "Fight Trap" dysfunctional fighting patterns.
• Recognize and defuse the three main arguments around sex.
• Learn how to state your feelings so your partner wants to listen.
• Master listening skills that will prevent misunderstandings from spiralling out of control.
• Negotiate calmly and effectively about almost any issue to reach resolution.
• And so much more...!

Let's get started.

You can stop the fighting and start loving each other again!

And, yes, you can return to the bliss of your first kiss!

http://askdrlove.com/content/till-death-do-us-part-unless-i-kill-you-first-step-step-guide-resolving-relationship

Ten Ways to Keep Romance Alive

1. Don't Stockpile Anger Deal with whatever is bothering you in the moment. Stored resentments destroy romance in two ways: 1) they cut off positive feelings; and 2) they eventually explode in words or actions that destroy the relationship. No relationship, no romance.
2. Play Together Sharing fun times builds intimacy, the soil for romance. Make a snowman. Have a pillow fight. Play together like you did when you were young.
3. Grow Together Trees grow until they die, so why shouldn't people? If either one of you stops growing, the relationship will feel stuck in a rut. A relationship in a rut means no romance. To break out of the rut, and rekindle romance, start growing together. For example, take a course on a subject that interests you both.
4. Make a Date A fun way to keep romance alive is to recreate one of your first dates. Dress the same as you did way back when and visit the same restaurant. Doing so will resurrect the old feelings of excitement.
5. Take a Trip Down Memory Lane Travel together to a spot you visited when you were lovers. If you can't get there in person, then look at the photos of one of your early trips. Remember the smells, sights and sounds. Recall how you felt back then. Recreate a special moment from that trip, right in your own living room.
6. Take Initiative An excellent way to rebuild and maintain romance is to take initiative. Do something for your mate that you know he or she likes, e.g. give a candlelit massage or prepare a favorite dish. The point is that taking initiative conveys your love, boosts intimacy, and sparks romance.
7. Keep Listening If you have been together for a while, you may assume that you know everything about your partner. Many long-term couples stop asking what the other partner needs, thinks or feels. This pattern leads to feelings of neglect, a major romance killer. Never assume that you know what your mate thinks, feels or wants, no matter how long you've been together. Keep asking and keep listening in order to keep romance alive.
8. Keep Sex on the Front Burner Many couples that have been together for a while cut back on sex. Research says that unresolved anger kills the sex drive. Follow step one (don't stockpile anger) and keep on trucking in the sex department. Make sex dates, try new positions and locations. Do whatever you know turns your mate on. Remember: For women, romance is the greatest form of foreplay. 
9. Say I Love You If you remember to say "I love you" (and offer other caring statements and gestures) five times a day, romance will stay. Remember, five times a day and the romance will stay. Knowing your partner's "Love Language," is important. For some, words of love hit the spot, for others, talk is cheap and actions speak a thousand words!
10. Isn't It Romantic? Never assume that you know what your mate finds romantic. For one spouse, watching a football game, clutching a beer, is the height of romance. For the other, this scenario might be the height of boredom. So, make sure you find out what rings your mate's chimes. Then, don't file the information away, like an old research project. Put your information into practice and say and do what your mate finds romantic.
11. www.askdrlove.com

Ten Ways for Survivors to Trust and Love Again

1. Recognize the Urge to Recreate Childhood Abuse It is human nature to be drawn to people who replay the abuse we suffered as children. We do this because we hope to recreate the original trauma and work for a happy ending.
2. Identify Your Happy Ending If you were mistreated as a child, you will be left with a craving to recreate your suffering in order to heal it. This recreation is called the repetition compulsion and the first step in the repetition process is to choose a partner who emotionally resembles the parent who let you down. The next step is to struggle to obtain from your chosen partner, the kind of treatment that you wish you had received from your parent. Unfortunately, this process is doomed to fail, precisely because the partners we choose are damaged the way our parents were, and therefore incapable of providing that Happy Ending. So, the only way is to...
3. Choose a Partner Who Is Capable of Providing Your Happy Ending Your happy ending can only occur when you chose a partner who is different from the person(s) who abused you in the past. To avoid recreating the abuse you suffered in the past, and to obtain the happy ending, don't choose abusers in the present.
4. Listen to Your Warning Bells If you are afraid of starting a new relationship or moving deeper into a relationship with someone that you are dating, listen to your warning bells. They may be telling you that your mind is drawing you into a repetition of an earlier abuse.
5. Just Say No Survivors have a hard time setting limits for themselves, hence love feels dangerous. When you know that you are entitled to say no to any form of treatment that feels uncomfortable to you, you will feel safer to love and trust. Don't surrender your power in the hopes that someone else will be kind to you, which puts you in the child seat, and stirs up feelings of helplessness and fear. Know that you can count on yourself for protection. If you take hold of the reins, trusting and loving comes easier.
6. Say What You Need Survivors often do not feel entitled to say what they need and want. Hence, the prospect of trusting and surrendering to love is seen as another opportunity to be walked on by someone else. In order to trust someone else, you must first know that you can count on yourself for protection. As an additional guard against being walked on, verbalize your needs.
7. Don't Stuff Your Anger When you feel angry, make sure to calmly tell the person who upset you what he or she said or did, and how that made you feel.
8. Handle Your Angry Feelings Properly When explaining how you feel, make sure you behave constructively (no screaming, yelling, name-calling, or character insults). The better you express your angry feelings, the less likely you are to receive abuse in return.
9. Choose a Partner Who Welcomes Your Angry Feelings Make sure to choose a partner who accepts all your feelings. If your partner refuses to hear your negative feelings, turns the blame back on you, or tries to make you feel guilty for your feelings, listen to your warning bells and run for the hills.
10. Listen to Your Mate's Angry Feelings If you weren't heard emotionally as a kid, you will not know how to listen to your mate. If your mate feels unheard, his or her temper will flare, and you will be on the receiving end of a lot of anger, which can feel very painful to an abuse survivor. So learn to listen.
11. www.askdrlove.com

On Ask Dr Love radio, More True Love with Bestselling Author Robert Fulghum

In this episode of Ask Dr. Love radio, I  speaks with bestselling author Robert Fulghum about the world’s greatest love stories, what makes love last and why Fulghum decided to offer his latest book to his readers as a free download rather than sell it via traditional publishing channels.

I continue the wonderful on-air discussion that we began last Valentine's Day. In our first encounter, we talked about the remarkable parallels between his true love story and my own. In this show, I will talk about what makes love last and share some more really fine love stories from Fulghum’s True Love collection, each of which typifies true love. I will also talk about my own soon-to-be-published by Hay House memoir, which describes my continuing love story with my deceased husband.  

Tune in for what promises to be a wonderful and love-filled conversation.  

Hosted on TalkZone.com, AskDrLove with Dr. Jamie Turndorf, is a live one hour Internet radio program airing at 1pm (EST) every Tuesday afternoon. Listeners can also call-in to the show and ask Dr. Turndorf for advice on any of their personal issues. Archived shows are available on TalkZone.com, BlogTalkradio.com, AskDrLove.com, and iTunes.

Ten Ways to Constructively Handle Anger

1. Factually state what your partner did to upset you and how that behavior made you feel. Remember to avoid global statements (you always, you never) which makes tempers flare. Only focus on the problem at hand.
2. For highly defensive mates, start by giving the benefit of the doubt: I know you didn't mean to upset me...and then use the formula in step one.
3. Another tip for highly defensive mates: avoid the word "you." Instead of saying, I feel X when you do Y, reword your sentence so that the word "you" doesn't appear. For example, I feel X when Y is done to me.
4. Deal with your issue as soon as possible or else let it go. Don't harbor resentments.
5. Ask permission from your mate before discussing what's bothering you. For example, you can start by asking: Is this a good time to talk? If your mate says no, then choose an alternate time, preferably within the same day.
6. If you are prone to exploding, then, walk away and cool down before bringing the issue to your mate.
7. Never express raw rage to your mate. Never call each other names or drop character assaults (you're lazy, cheap) which heat up arguments rather than resolve them.
8. If your mate becomes defensive when you describe what's bothering you, you can say, "I'm not saying you intentionally did anything wrong, I'm just telling you how I feel."
9. If your mate is still defensive after you have said #8, then you might say, "Obviously I have offended you. What did I say that rubbed you wrong?"
10. If all else fails, abort mission for a later time. Try talking again when you are both cool.                                                                                                                                                                                http://www.askdrlove.com/

How To Overcome Neediness In Relationships

In the wee hours of the morning, do you fear that your neediness might permanently push away your partner? Or have you already lost a partner because of your neediness? If you’re over-texting, over-calling, over-emailing or simply clinging to your partner by spending every moment with him/her and giving up yourself in the process, don’t despair. I’m here to help you become cling free! But in order to let go of this behavior, you have to be willing to “sit” with some uncomfortable feelings.

Let me explain. When we feel compulsively driven to act in a certain way that’s a sign that we are using these actions to dispel uncomfortable feelings. So, for example, if we can’t stand feelings of sadness, we might fall into excessive spending behaviors, gambling or various addictions. These actions help up get rid of negative feelings.

Likewise, when you’re clinging, pursuing and chasing after a partner, these acts also help you to discharge an uncomfortable feeling. What is this feeling that you’re dispelling? Anxiety–abandonment anxiety to be exact. In a nutshell, needy behaviors are driven by a fear that the other person will leave you if you don’t hold on for dear life.

Of course, the opposite is actually true. When we cling, pursue and crowd another person, our behavior says, “I don’t feel good about myself. I’m not even sure that you will want to keep me.” Since everyone wants a partner who is a desirable catch, neediness and desperation conveys the opposite message. These behaviors say, “I’m not worth much.” When you feel this way about yourself, you automatically diminish yourself in your partner’s eyes. But here’s what’s diabolical. When we sense that the other person is pulling away, we become even more needy. In the end, our worst self-fulfilling nightmare occurs: our neediness ultimately pushes the other person away. Sadly, when we finally do get dropped, our Personal Net Worth becomes even lower, which makes us more needy and clingy the next time around.

So are you wondering how to break free of this vicious cycle?

There’s no short cut here. You have to face your abandonment fear head on. To do this, you need to trace the fear back to its source–which is generally an abandonment that you suffered in childhood. My book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) shows you exactly how to identify and heal your particular Old Scar. As you re-parent yourself and heal your Old Scar using the steps I outline in the book, you will be amazed to see how quickly your neediness disappears. Suddenly, you will no longer feel like you have to have another person to validate you or keep you afloat. When you aren’t under the constant fear of abandonment, you won’t be needy any more.

In addition to healing your abandonment scar, it’s vital that you take active steps to raise your Personal Net Worth using the steps that I outline in my book Make Up Don’t Break Up.

Healing your abandonment scar and feeling better about yourself is your winning formula for ending neediness. And here’s the best news. The better you feel about yourself, and the less needy you are, the more your partner will want to meet your needs and make you happy for a lifetime.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf, www.askdrlove.com

Understand the three main reasons why he may resist opening up to you

In order to help your guy talk, you need to understand the three main reasons why they resist doing so.

First: The male gender role itself encourages guys to keep their feelings close to the vest. This vest is more like a straightjacket that demands of men that they behave in a “macho” way by avoiding the appearance of weakness and vulnerability. Instead of talking about feelings, they focus instead on actions, goals and outcomes.

Second: When a man loves you he doesn’t want to hurt you. This is why many men hesitate to say what they’re thinking and feeling because they want to protect you.

Third: Men often feel inadequate when it comes to emotional communication. They are afraid to open up emotionally fraught discussions because they don’t feel able to hold their own verbally. They may also be afraid of facing your own emotional intensity–most especially your anger. Your anger upsets them more than you could ever imagine, especially when they love you and want to make you happy.http://www.askdrlove.com/news/how-get-man-open-you-emotionally

Can A Long Distance Relationship Work?

Long-distance relationships are difficult to make go the distance due the fact that physical absence is a lens that magnifies and distorts feelings. When a partner is out of sight, the mind becomes a blank screen onto which we project horror movies that are more like sequels to our past traumas. This causes us to brace for lightning to strike twice. So, for example, if you were cast off in a past relationship, you will be casting yourself as the star of the movie Castaway part two--meaning you will be expecting yet another abandonment.

No need to worry. You can shred the blank screen and turn your mental horror movies into a happy ending love story using my 5 simple steps:

1) Daily Maintenance. When you're not in close physical proximity, you have to go the emotional distance by doing extra daily due diligence. This means you're going to need to give your partner even more reassurances of your love than couples who live together. This will put your "love muscle" in tip-top shape so that when you eventually live together full-time, you'll have the skills to take your love to the finish line.

2) Be Transparent. Make sure that you share the details of your day--especially who you saw or will see. This trick helps you to be more present and real in each others' day-to-day lives and fends off jealousy, which is a common problem in long-distance relationships.

3) Avoid Texting No Nos. Don’t tackle tough topics via text (say that 3x fast!). When conflicts arise, remember you can’t address emotionally fraught topics by text. So get on the phone or Skype and TALK the old fashioned way.

4) Have Sex From Afar. When you’re a long distance couple, it’s easy for your sex life to become an ex life. When you’re randy, here’s where technology comes in handy! Have a Skype slumber Party, but don’t go to sleep. Log on to get your freak on.

5) Long Distance Date.  Just because you’re not physically together, doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t have date nights. Get on the phone and watch a movie together, or cook the same dish together and then share the meal, or even get on the phone or Skype, snuggle up and fall asleep together.

You may want to check out my recent HLNTV appearance discussing long distance relationships.

Ten Ways to Head off a Fight

1. If you are on the receiving end of your mate's anger, resist the temptation to become defensive. If necessary, just shut up.
2. Speak only to ask your mate to explain what you did that was upsetting and how it made him or her feel when you did it.
3. Listen to the other person's point of view.
4. Repeat back what your mate has told you.
5. Ask if what you have repeated back accurately reflects what upset your mate.
6. Repeat until your mate indicates that you have understood his or her point of view.
7. Usually just understanding is sufficient to head off the storm. But if it is not, say the following: "You still seem upset, what can I say that would make you feel better?"
8. If you are feeling attacked and criticized, say the following: "I know what I did was wrong, but it would really help for you to tell me what I can do differently in the future."
9. Try to get your mate to reword the complaints or criticisms into positive suggestions for the future. For example: When mate says, "You never take me on dates anymore." You say: "I think you would like me to take you out on a date, more often, is that right?"
10. Keep on practicing. It gets easier and easier to follow the above steps.

Spotting Online Dating Fakes, Freaks and Frauds

If you’ve been tuning in to my show for a while, you know that my husband died of a bee sting while we were vacationing in Italy. After a couple years, and much nudging from friends, I gave Internet dating a whirl! As a result, I personally came into contact with every flavor of online dating fakes, freaks and frauds.

Each year, millions of educated and successful professional men and women are “taken.”  The romance scams perpetrated against widows alone comprise a multi-million dollar industry.  

Tune in and discover my foolproof method for identifying Emotional Predators and financial scammers before you get hurt emotionally and/or financially.

The Ask Dr. Love Radio Show Airs Tuesday, October 15th, 1pm EST on Talk Zone Radio.

Why Honesty Isn't Always the Best Policy

Whether you’re getting it off your chest, venting, expressing yourself, airing your feelings or  “just being honest," the truth about honesty is that honesty is not always the best policy.

The truth is honesty is often a veiled form of self-indulgence.In a nutshell, when feelings build up, it’s frustrating to “sit” on them. And, of course, it feels damn good to release them. That feel good sensation is a form of gratification. When we dump emotional turds on others, we are flushing our relationships down the toilet.

The good news is you can make the decision to change the way you handle your angry feelings; to consider what you say before you speak, to ask yourself how the other person will feel before you say or do x, y or z. Consider whether what you intend to say or do will be helpful and constructive to the other person and your relationship or not.

Dr. Love's Relationship Rescue Kit

From my professional counseling experience I know that it is one thing to save a relationship before it falls apart, and quite another to put it back together after it crumbles. I  created a step-by-step plan to help people get their ex back that was as simple and effective as possible. I figured that shouldn’t be too hard since that’s what I’ve been doing both in my advice columns and in private practice for the past three decades. I had already helped so many couples go from breakup to makeup. Check out  Dr. Love’s Relationship Rescue Kit  to help mend a broken relationship.

An Intimate Peek At Female Frigidity, With Guest Author Cris Mazza

Tuesday Oct 8th, 1pm( EST) on Talk Zone Radio: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

Join me this week for a discussion with Cris Mazza, author of Something Wrong with Her.

Cris’ story is a love story that describes her reconnection with her childhood love, the man who never stopped loving her, frigidity and all.

Join me for what promises to be a great show.http://askdrlove.com/radio-shows/intimate-look-sexual-frigidility-author-cris-mazza