How To Overcome Neediness In Relationships

In the wee hours of the morning, do you fear that your neediness might permanently push away your partner? Or have you already lost a partner because of your neediness? If you’re over-texting, over-calling, over-emailing or simply clinging to your partner by spending every moment with him/her and giving up yourself in the process, don’t despair. I’m here to help you become cling free! But in order to let go of this behavior, you have to be willing to “sit” with some uncomfortable feelings.

Let me explain. When we feel compulsively driven to act in a certain way that’s a sign that we are using these actions to dispel uncomfortable feelings. So, for example, if we can’t stand feelings of sadness, we might fall into excessive spending behaviors, gambling or various addictions. These actions help up get rid of negative feelings.

Likewise, when you’re clinging, pursuing and chasing after a partner, these acts also help you to discharge an uncomfortable feeling. What is this feeling that you’re dispelling? Anxiety–abandonment anxiety to be exact. In a nutshell, needy behaviors are driven by a fear that the other person will leave you if you don’t hold on for dear life.

Of course, the opposite is actually true. When we cling, pursue and crowd another person, our behavior says, “I don’t feel good about myself. I’m not even sure that you will want to keep me.” Since everyone wants a partner who is a desirable catch, neediness and desperation conveys the opposite message. These behaviors say, “I’m not worth much.” When you feel this way about yourself, you automatically diminish yourself in your partner’s eyes. But here’s what’s diabolical. When we sense that the other person is pulling away, we become even more needy. In the end, our worst self-fulfilling nightmare occurs: our neediness ultimately pushes the other person away. Sadly, when we finally do get dropped, our Personal Net Worth becomes even lower, which makes us more needy and clingy the next time around.

So are you wondering how to break free of this vicious cycle?

There’s no short cut here. You have to face your abandonment fear head on. To do this, you need to trace the fear back to its source–which is generally an abandonment that you suffered in childhood. My book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) shows you exactly how to identify and heal your particular Old Scar. As you re-parent yourself and heal your Old Scar using the steps I outline in the book, you will be amazed to see how quickly your neediness disappears. Suddenly, you will no longer feel like you have to have another person to validate you or keep you afloat. When you aren’t under the constant fear of abandonment, you won’t be needy any more.

In addition to healing your abandonment scar, it’s vital that you take active steps to raise your Personal Net Worth using the steps that I outline in my book Make Up Don’t Break Up.

Healing your abandonment scar and feeling better about yourself is your winning formula for ending neediness. And here’s the best news. The better you feel about yourself, and the less needy you are, the more your partner will want to meet your needs and make you happy for a lifetime.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf, www.askdrlove.com