How Can I Tell If We're Compatible?

Many of the relationship problems people have asked me for advice about over the years have had to do with compatibility issues. Sometimes people don't suspect that their problems are due to incompatibility, while others suspect that incompatibility is to blame when it really isn't.

According to research, there are three main factors that are closely linked to compatibility. The first is Homogamy, or similarity, the second is Relationship Enhancing Communications, and the third is strong Couple Identity.

Let’s start with Homogamy. Research proves that homogamy, or similarity, is a master key that unlocks the mystery of compatibility. The notion of opposites attracting is a common relationship myth when, in fact, couples who are too dissimilar find themselves fighting over every issue big and small. The truth is, the more similar you and your partner are, the more compatible you will be.

Now to turn to the second key factor in determining compatibility: Relationship Enhancing Communications. Even if you aren’t bogged down by Old Scars, and even if you are similar in all the areas that matter most, you and your partner may still be arguing. When couples find themselves trapped in ongoing and intractable fighting cycles, they will naturally question their level of compatibility. While fighting may, indeed, be a sign of incompatibility, it can also be indicative of various communication skills deficits that lead to fighting and not a symptom of incompatibility at all. And, for these couples, when vital communication skills are acquired, they discover that they always were and will continue to be quite compatible.

The third aspect of compatibility is what’s called Couple Identity. This term refers to how strongly a couple sees itself as a “we” instead of each partner remaining an individual “I.” Interestingly, UC Berkeley researcher, Robert Levenson, found that couples who emphasized their “separateness” by using pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This was especially true for older couples. Their use of separateness pronouns was most strongly linked to unhappy marriages, according to the study. To have a happy marriage, being part of a "we" is well worth giving up a bit of "me." Levenson’s research is published in The Journal of Psychology and Aging.

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