Love at First Sight

Dr. Love,

I get attached way to easy. Please tell me why I do this. Even if a guy just smiles at me I start to fantasize about how a relationship would be with him, and then I start to get obsessed. And sometimes I get what I want, but I realize they are not what I fantasized about, and I break up with them and get depressed. Please can you tell my why I do this to myself?

Answer: 

When a person is starving for love, and falls head over heals in an instant, we know that unfinished business is afoot. 

In a nutshell, the unconscious mind tries to heals the wounds of childhood by: 1) choosing partners who are similar to the parent(s) that let us down; 2) recreating the painful scenes of the past; and 3) struggling for a happy ending to the wounds of childhood. So, for example, if a person was abandoned by her father as a child, that person will choose a lover that is an abandoner and she will try to win the abandoner's heart. The fantasy is that, if I can make the abandoner stick around and love me, then the hurt from my childhood will be healed (the happy ending).

All humans desperately crave to heal the wounds that remain from childhood. This craving for a healing of the past causes us to: fall in love too easily, fear being alone, or feel addicted to a relationship that doesn't work. These desperate, hungry feelings are actually signals from the unconscious alerting us to the fact that we have an old wound that needs repair.

Obsessive fantasizing may be another clue that the unconscious mind is trying to heal an old wound. Fantasy is the way that the unconscious mind expresses a deep wish. When you fantasize about the people you fall head over heals for, your unconscious mind is finding another way of telling you that it has a secret wish to heal an old wound.

After you get into a relationship, you wake up from the dream and find out that the person you fell for isn't who you thought he was. That is, this person is too much like the parent(s) that let you down (remember, with a repetition compulsion we choose partners that disappoint us like our parents did).

The way out is to: 1) get to know a person very well before becoming involved; 2) be aware of the craving to choose partners who are damaged in the exact same way your parent(s) were and know that you will never find your happy ending from carbon copies of your parent(s); 3) purposely choose partners who can give you your happy ending.

May you have all the Love you desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf ( aka Dr. Love)

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Doomed-to-be-Single

I am a man in my early twenties who is successful. I cherish the successful relationships I have with friends both at and outside of work. I have always been perceived by others as the 'guy who has it all'. Well, not quite.

I've had a string of unsuccessful relationships with women that has left me pondering the truth about 'lucky in career, unlucky in love'. I must admit, however, that I hold high expectations of people; I'm a go-doer and go-getter, and I expect people to put in the same effort as I do. That works out fine in the workplace, but not in relationships.

The general complaint I have received from women is that I am pushy, that I expect things to be done and problems to be fixed quickly. In turn, they feel 'inadequate' and under pressure to meet my standards, as they put it. Though I never criticize a loved one, I get frustrated by problems that occur repeatedly.

A lot of women I meet seem to have low self esteem. Who has the problem here? They like my confidence, but eventually they feel that we're just on two different levels and hence incompatible. I'm drawn to very feminine qualities. Is it practical to expect a feminine woman who is also confident? Should I act less confident in a relationship?

Sincerely,

doomed-to-be-single

Answer: 

Women are telling you that they feel pressured to meet your standards of perfection, and because of this, they end up feeling inadequate.

I want you to know that the women you date are not the only ones who feel pressured for perfection. I think you've got the bug as well.

I don't think you ever received a sense of true acceptance, and so you keep trying to be Mr. Perfect, hoping to finally feel loved. Listen to how you describe yourself. You sound perfect: handsome, high I.Q., well-read, wealthy... Do you really feel so perfect on the inside?

When somebody tries to convince himself and others how perfect he is, this operation often conceals a hidden sense of inadequacy.

What are you doing to make them feel inadequate? You are extending to them the same standards which I think were rammed down your throat by your parents. (These are the very same standards you continue to ram down your own throat.) And, when you lay these expectations on the women you date, low and behold they feel inadequate. You are coming across as impatient, intolerant, and needing to be right. No wonder they run.

Instead of memorizing behavioral tricks, which, I assure you won't solve the problem, I suggest that you become aware of the voice that drives you in your own head. Put a name on it. And, then talk to it by saying, 'Hi mom, hi dad...expecting me to be perfect again.'

To read more on this subject and my other relationship advice, visit www.askdrlove.com

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Are you struggling with menopause?

Or is someone you know and love (and sometimes hate!) struggling?

Join me this week for a fascinating discussion with Lynda Wyzda, author of Menopause in Crisis: The Summer I Lost My Mind.

In this week’s show, I will reveal the little known fact that menopause can expose pre-existing psychological fault lines. In fact, it is our unhealed Old Scars from childhood that exacerbate the physical and psychological symptoms associated with menopause.

 I’m going to show you how this suffering can be a springboard to healing oneself body, mind and soul.

In Lynda’s case, buried memories of childhood abuse came crashing to consciousness, causing all kinds of emotional and physical upheaval, including a racing heart, anxiety and panic…

After over four years of struggle, Lynda emerged from the ashes. Her journey back to health led to certifications in Transpersonal Studies/Spiritual Mentoring and Transpersonal Hypnosis, Yoga, and Reiki.

Tune in  at 1pm to find out the best mind/body practices for healing yourself or someone you love.

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Too many problems. . .

Dear Dr. Love:

I am in a very sticky situation. . . I'm in love with a very insecure, jealous and suspicious man. We've been together for the better part of one year. 

When we got together, he found me 'too independent' and 'to much in control' of the relationship. So I removed 'the pants' and put on a nice, frilly apron-so to speak, and consequently live through the most horrific months in my life. I gave up my own apartment, to move into his tiny, stuffy room. I gave up my car, only to be told when and where I could use his. I gave up my job because there were too many guys asking me out there'  only to be picked on as not contributing to the relationship. He asked me to become more dependent, and then tortured me for doing it.

Now, I have moved back into my own place, I'm working again and saving up for my own car as well as secured transportation to and from work without having to beg to use his car (which he promised he'd give me for selling mine).

He'll call me names and 'break up' with me, only to call me two hours later 'hey baby, whatcha doin?'

I've become numb to his name calling and 'fake breaks (as I call them)' to a degree that it doesn't hurt, shock or surprise me any more.  He doesn't even trust me enough to let me go to the bathroom without saying 'whatcha doin, babe?'

 Now I need my space. I've taken it, and it's time to enforce those boundries. He doesn't like it, but when I say 'lump it' he talks suicide.  I know he needs professional help, but I'm not a professional.  How can I say tough, that's life' with tough love?  How can I get my self respect back, and find some for him?

Signed...

"Too many problems to know which one to write about..."

Answer: 

You sound like one tough survivor. You ask how can you say,'tough that's life', get your self-respect back and find some for him?

It sounds like you are on the road to regaining your self-respect ( saving for a car, and you found a new job and an apartment). So, pat yourself on the back for all your strength and courage. And, keep reminding yourself what a winner you are. Avoiding people that abuse you and repeating to yourself what is wonderful about you, will build your self-respect.

The fact that you find it hard to say,'tough' makes me wonder what part of your psyche doesn't want to give this guy up. It would be good for you to examine what 'hook' this guy has on you.

Whenever we become drawn into abusive relationships, there is an aspect of our early life that is being replayed. Were you abused as a child or did you see your mother or father being abused? In order for you to be comfortable with letting go and saying tough to this abusive guy, you need to understand what your unconscious mind was (is) hoping by staying with an abuser. As a kid, did you hope that an abuser would stop abusing and love you?

When you figure out what type of healing your mind is hoping for, it will be easier to accept that you can't obtain a happy ending from this man--he's too damaged. Realizing this, will help you to walk away and say tough without feeling such conflict and remorse. 

This guy didn't earn your respect and doesn't deserve it. I know it is painful to accept that you can't relive and rewrite history or change your parent(s) into respectable people.

But, keep this thought in mind. You are such a bright fantastic lady, there is a happy ending for you. There is a man out there for you who is ready to love and not abuse you...and this is the man you will be able to respect.

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Kiss Your Fights Good-bye

My new Hay House book Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps for Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Connection is now available for pre-order.

More about Kiss Your Fights Good-bye:

Heated fighting triggers a biochemical imbalance in men that causes them to flee from conflict. The technical name for this is the Demand/ Withdraw Negative Escalation Cycle, also known as “husband withdrawal.” This is the number one cause of marital and relationship strife, divorce, and domestic violence. My techniques, are based on 30 years of research out of  the Center for Emotional Communication, transform conflict into connection for a lifetime of lasting love.

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Mr. Right Where Are You?

Dear Dr. Love

I just can't find Mr. Right. What can I do. I treat them like gold. I think I have a sticker on my forehead that says 'treat her like garbage, she 'll put up with it' I really want to find Mr. Right. I am sick of dating people to find Mr. Right. Maybe I should just give up and let him find me??

Answer: 

It is painful to keep fishing for Mr. Right and turning up duds. You said, 'I treat men like gold, they treat me like garbage because they know I'll take it.' Before you can turn up a good man, you need to figure out why this pattern is occurring.

After you find out where the pattern originated, next, make a big effort to observe yourself every time you allow someone to walk on you. Don't try to force yourself to stop the pattern, you aren't ready just yet. Simply observe yourself whenever you are being walked on and say to yourself. There I go again. Letting someone dump on me. Then, ask yourself, 'who am I acting like.'

In answer to your question, should you wait and let Mr. Right find you. Waiting will not solve the problem we discussed above. Unless you work out this doormat issue, squashers will always find you.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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The Secret Reason Why Menopause Makes Many Women Suffer With Guest Author Lynda Wyzda

Are you struggling with menopause?

Or is someone you know and love (and sometimes hate!) struggling?

Join me this week for a fascinating discussion with Lynda Wyzda, author of Menopause in Crisis: The Summer I Lost My Mind.

In this week’s show, I will reveal the little known fact that menopause can expose pre-existing psychological fault lines. In fact, it is our unhealed Old Scars from childhood that exacerbate the physical and psychological symptoms associated with menopause.

In this episode of Ask Dr. Love Radio, I’m going to show you how this suffering can be a springboard to healing oneself body, mind and soul.

In Lynda’s case, buried memories of childhood abuse came crashing to consciousness, causing all kinds of emotional and physical upheaval, including a racing heart, anxiety and panic…

After over four years of struggle, Lynda emerged from the ashes. Her journey back to health led to certifications in Transpersonal Studies/Spiritual Mentoring and Transpersonal Hypnosis, Yoga, and Reiki.

Tune in to find out the best mind/body practices for healing yourself or someone you love.

The Ask Dr. Love Radio Show Airs Tuesday, December 3rd, 1pm EST on Talk Zone Radio.