Love or Lust

Dear Dr. Love,

I misinterpret the signs of love or desire with the signs of sexual gratification and find it difficult to distinguish them apart. Do you have any suggestion of how I can tell them apart?

Love or Lust

Answer: 

Many people confuse sexual attraction with true romantic love. The reason for this is because, romantic love includes feelings of sexual attraction. But, there is much more to true love than simple sexual feelings.

The main way to distinguish true love from simple sexual desire is: TIME. True love lasts more than three or four months, and often lasts indefinitely. True love is based on a long-standing satisfaction with the companionship of the other person. True love includes an attraction to the other person's personality, an attraction which usually lasts indefinitely. True love includes the desire for association, which often remains indefinitely. True love fuels ongoing sexual interest. Frequent contact strengthens your attraction to the other person. Your feelings grow and blossom over time. Your feelings persist.

I hope I have helped clarify the difference between love and lust for you. And, I hope that, after reading my list, you realize that you have found true love.

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Not Much to Look At

Dear Dr. Love:

I have a boyfriend who works with a very attractive woman. They work very long hours. He treats her very well and at times I find myself becoming overwhelmingly jealous. I am not much to look at and I sometimes wonder if looks are important to him. Should I trust him?

Not Much to Look At

Answer: 

You ask if you should trust your boyfriend. If you are worried about your status in the relationship, you could ask him, 'how are we doing together?' or 'how is our relationship going?' and see what he says. Also, you might privately consider whether he has changed in the way he treats you? Is he looking for excuses not to be with you? Is he suddenly behaving differently?

If your boyfriend seems to be behaving as he always did toward you and he tells you that everything is fine between you both, then we can assume that the issue lies within yourself. So, in order to build up your confidence about the relationship, start by reminding yourself that your boyfriend chose to date you. If he had been married to movie star looks, then he wouldn't have chosen you in the first place. I have often met gorgeous guys who are madly in love with plain looking women. Attraction is much more than skin deep, and a woman who is ugly can actually appear beautiful if she resonates with self-confidence.

It sounds to me as though your self-esteem leaves something to be desired. My goodness, you do put yourself down (I am not much to look at). I have seen absolute dogs who think they are Miss Americas. Do you know what is attractive about you? If you don't know, start making a list. If you need help, ask friends to tell you your attractive points. If you don't soon feel better about yourself, you will be doubting your boyfriend at every turn. (There will always be another pretty colleague that has you worried sick. )

So, work on improving your self-esteem. Every day, remind yourself out loud what is special and wonderful about you. If you don't feel better about yourself in six weeks, contact me again, and we'll go to the next step.

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Have a Happy Thanksgiving! And Remember...

The  greatest gift you can bring to the table is your loving self. Today is a day to give thanks and remember what really matters: creating love and connection.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and may you have all the love you desire!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Jealous Junky

I have a big problem. I know that my girlfriend isn't cheating on me but I 'm so jealous if she even looks at another guy. Then I start asking her all kinds of questions. I've even started checking up on her and following her. Things have gotten so bad we 're having nightly scream fests over this. Why can't I shake this jealousy?

Answer: 

There are lots of reasons why you might be hanging on to jealousy. To get past this problem you will have to admit to yourself that your jealousy is a smoke screen for fear: What are you afraid of? Getting dumped? Do you find yourself thinking, 'She'll find someone else and leave me?

'If your answer is 'yes' then we need to find out where this fear stems from. Did someone dump you or threaten to dump you when you were a kid? If this is so, it is understandable that you would have the feeling that your girlfriend would want to drop you.

From now on, instead of flying into jealous fits, admit your fear and ask your girlfriend for reassurances that she loves you. This will bring her closer to you. On the contrary, your jealous fits will push her away and make your worst fears come true.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

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Loving and Confused

Dear Dr. Love:

I am very confused on what I should do in the relationship my ex-girlfriend/fiance? You see I don't know if I should still call her my girlfriend/fiance or what.

About two weeks ago we had a talk about our relationship, she said that she loves me with all her heart but she doesn't know what kind of love it is (Boyfriend or Just Friend). We were stuck in a rut for the last little while not going out as much or doing new things. She says that there will be some days when I kiss her, or touch her, she loves it and it makes her feel good, but there are days, when I touch her or kiss her and she thinks too herself, (wait a minute why did he do that we are friends).

She says that she is confused and wants to remain very good friends until she figures all this out. I have no problem with that, except that not being with her is driving me crazy. I love her very much, and I don't want to lose her. Do you think you could help?

Signed: Loving and Confused.

Answer: 

You're in a tough spot. It's not easy to give your friend space to figure everything out and still want her as much as you do.

I have three suggestions for you:

1. Point out to your friend that in every relationship, feelings fluctuate, which means that some days we feel more friendly, some days more passionate, some days we feel love and some days we feel hate. This is normal and happens to everyone. By educating her about emotions, we will help her to know that her fluctuating emotions are normal.
2. Encourage her to figure out her emotions with you rather than trying to figure them out on her own. Tell her that since this is a relationship issue and she's not sure how she feels about you, it will be better for her to figure this out with you. So that she doesn't feel pressured to stay lovers, you can tell her that whatever she finally decides, you will accept. How can you help her figure out her feelings for you when you are together? Keep a finger on her emotional pulse and every time she seems to be cooling off or drifting from you, step in and ask her: 'Is this one of those times that you feel less connected to me?' or 'Is this one of those times that you feel like my friend. 'By doing this, you are helping her to realize that all her feelings are fine and that she can talk about them with you without running away from you.
3. When you discuss her feelings, it would be good to do what I call a Check Out. Make sure that she isn't pulling away from you because she is upset about something you said or did. To Check Out with her you could ask: 'Did I do or say anything to make you want to pull away from me?' Sometimes, when an angry feeling comes up and it is not discussed and resolved, a person will feel less close (like a friend instead of a lover) and not know why. By doing what I have suggested, you are making sure that her cool offs are not due to misdirected anger.

So, you are now armed to work on this issue with your friend.  Good luck. I hope she's smart enough to stick with you.

How to Win Over A Significant Other's Pet

Tuesday, November 26th, 1pm (EST) on Talk Zone Radio: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

"How To Win Over A Boyfriend Or Girlfriend’s Pet With Internationally Famous Pet Expert, Harrison Forbes."

In this episode of the Ask Dr. Love Radio Show, Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love) introduces you to Harrison Forbes, internationally famous pet trainer to the stars. Discover how winning over a boyfriend or girlfriend’s pet is the secret to winning your honey pie’s heart!  

Harrison Forbes’ over 20 year career as a dog trainer and animal behaviorist has propelled him into the spotlight as a highly sought after pet expert for national news stories. He’s a best selling author, and popular TV and radio host of Pet Talk” Radio Show at News Talk FM 101.5. He also began hosting a statewide TV show called “Let’s Talk Tennessee” with former Miss America Kelley Cash and followed next season with “Pet Talk” TV. “Pet Talk” radio went on to national syndication in Los Angeles, New York, and 80 other markets for several years.

Having been involved in the training and importing of over 700 police service dogs, Harrison has also been called upon to train dogs for films in Hollywood, including Francis Ford Coppola’s film “The Rainmaker”.

This illustrious and extensive career in dog training has propelled Forbes into becoming the “go-to” guy for national pet stories. He appeared on “Larry King Live” discussing the Michael Vick case, is the resident pet expert on “Live with Regis and Kelly,” and has appeared on the Fox News Network, CNN, “The CBS Early Show,” and “The Today Show.” He is a contributor to People Magazine’s peoplepets.com and bestselling author of the book “Dog Talk.”

Harrison is also the National Spokesperson for Toyota’s Pet Safety Initiative and toured the US in 2011 with his Pet Talk Tour Bus on the Toyota Pet Safety Tour. Look for him at major pet, sporting and music events as well as special on-lot dealer events all across the country.

In 1996 he won an Excellence in Media Award from the Tennessee Veterinarian Medical Association. More than just a dog lover, Forbes has owned and raised raccoons, snakes, and small primates and is fascinated by all animal behavior.

Tune in to find out how making fido fall for you is the secret to tipping your boyfriend/girlfriend’s heart in favor of you!

Use this link to go to the Ask Dr. Love show on TalkZone.com NOW: http://bit.ly/NLSP5U

HOW TO LISTEN LIVE: You can tune in to Internet Radio from anywhere and call in using any kind of phone, including Skype.

ARCHIVED RADIO SHOWS. This show will be recorded and can be found on BlogTalkRadio.com, AskDrLove.com, YouTube, and iTunes.

STAY INFORMED!  The best way to keep up with immediate news regarding radio shows, columns, and special product discounts is to Like my Facebook page at:

facebook.com/askdrlove, or follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/askdrlove.

Use this link to listen to Ask Dr. Love shows on AskDrLove.com NOW: http://bit.ly/10K1VJe

May You Have All The Love You Desire,

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Don't Take It So Personally! 7 Steps For Eliminating Excessive Personalization

Don't Take It So Personally! 7 Steps For Eliminating Excessive Personalization

Do you often feel like your partner is putting you down or blaming you...even when he/she swears that he isn’t? Are you taking things too personally, and is  this putting a hurt on your relationship?

If you said, “yes,” you may be suffering from what’s called Excessive Personalization.

Excessive Personalization is a cognitive distortion that springs out of the narcissism of childhood in which kids believe the world revolves around them. Many people never outgrow the “baby brain.” This combined with being criticized as a child can result in the tendency to self-blame and to hear criticism from our partners even when criticism isn’t being delivered.

And when you feel criticized and put down, the natural reaction is to become angry. Of course, anger begets an angry response. This leads to a downward spiral of fighting that has divorce (or breakup) written all over it.

There is a way out!

 Discover my 7 steps for eliminating Excessive Personalization. When you discover how to train your brain to level with you, rather than level you, you will be able to substitute Excessive Personalization for the ability to see and hear what your partner is actually saying! When this happens, it’s time to sit back and watch your relationship soar to new levels of happiness and joy.

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Seeking Greener Pastures

Imagine a couple in a long term, committed relationship. Imagine one of the parties subscribes to a singles dating site - no public profile is involved, he or she, just  likes to look at what's out there. The 'looker' argues it is just amusement. The other party says it is disrespectful and suggestive that perhaps the 'looker' is seeking greener pastures. What would your advice be?

Answer: 

It is common knowledge that men are "lookers" by nature and that male sexuality is fueled by visual stimuli. At the same time, men are wired for variety rather than monogamy. This explains why men throughout the ages have been drawn to visual pornography. Porn satisfies the urge for variety while permitting a man to remain faithful.

With the advent of online dating, an element of reality has now been introduced into the equation. When a man looks at photos on these dating sites, he's playing with fire. These aren't pictures of fantasy women who will always remain strangers. On the contrary, men and women pictured on dating sites can become real with the click of a button. A date can be scheduled at a moment's notice.

This is why you are feeling threatened by your partner's actions. He or she is playing with fire and you know it.

Your partner is looking at real people, not anonymous photos.

The act is a nonverbal communication to you. The message feels hostile and provocative. It's as if the sword is dangling above your head, and at any moment your neck may roll.

Your partner isn't taking responsibility for his/her actions. In fact, his actions are a passive, indirect expression of anger toward you. It feels like you are getting set up. If you don't object, your days are numbered. If you do object and demand that he/she get real with you, you are being set up as the "crazy, over-reactive nut," which you aren't.

I recommend your putting his/her foot to the fire and calling him/her on what's going on. If this relationship is going to survive, your partner needs to step up and put his/her true feelings into words. You want his/her communication translated into a message you can understand.

You need to ask him/her what this behavior telling you about how he feels toward you and about the relationship? Is he/she trying to tell you that you aren't meeting his/her needs? Does he/she want you to feel jealous? Does he/she want you to fight for him/her? Does he/she not feel that you care enough, and is this a ploy to get you to prove how much he/she means to you?

When he/she denies that there's anything wrong, you must have the courage to stay the course and continue to point out the elephant in the room, the truth that is painfully obvious: that he/she is inducing you to fear that an affair is imminent and he/she is doing this for a reason.

A fight will likely ensue, which is fine. Better to have your partner's anger on the table rather than expressed in this indirect and very relationship destructive way.

Once the issue is on the table then you can take the necessary steps to repair what is wrong in the relationship. I recommend that you immediately read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-By-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict, which will guide you on resolving the real issue that your discussion uncovers.

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What's "Cheating" in the Digital Age?

Technology and social media has changed the way people cheat. In the past, if a person wanted to cheat, he/ she  would actively have to go out looking for it. Now, with the click of a mouse, with little effort, you can find a playmate in a virtual chat room. But these virtual encounters are real. The people are real. Virtual flings and flirtations can easily become a prelude to an actual relationship.

Cheating is the same thing it always was. If you're having a flirtation or a verbal sexual engagement with someone who isn’t your partner, you are still going into action. Because you haven’t actually touched someone doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

A person will know whether the virtual behavior has unacceptable, just by how his/her companion reacts. If the companion is upset by the behavior a line has bee crossed. 

Cheating, infidelity, and even virtual infidelity are generally symptoms of an ailing relationship. Whenever there’s an infidelity, virtual or actual, there is a root cause. In some cases, the cause is due to a problem in the primary relationship.

To learn more about this listen to my Ask Dr. Love Radio Show; Why Anthony Weiner Can’t Keep His Weiner in His Pants.

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Do I Have to Ask Him to Marry Me?

Hello, I'm writing here because I need some advice whether I should ask my boyfriend to marry me or not. I've been dating this guy for 18 months now.When we started this relationship, we just knew that we wanted a "serious thing" but we wanted to take it slow. Around 6 months ago, I asked him about our goals (where we were going etc) and he said, "I can't promise you anything. I'm just confused..." BUT we didn't break up.

The last 6 months, I've been trying to be a better girlfriend. I just turned 27 and I thought this age is a perfect age to get married - and considering he's much much much older than me, I think he's supposed to think about it too, right? I'm not challenging or pushing him, but it's just kinda an FYI. He has to realized that relationship is about 2 people not only him.

So my real questions are:

• Is it okay to tell a guy (our boyfriend) that we want to get married (of course with him)?
• Will that question hurt his ego?
• If a women cannot tell a guy to marry him, what should we do to give him a sign that we're ready to move a step ahead?

Thank you in advance.

Signed by: 

I Want To Tell Him That I Want To Get Married!

Answer:

Instead of focusing on what you want, and how to find a way of telling him what to do, which will only get his back up and create more resistance, we need to take an entirely different tack.

That tack is to understand the thoughts and feelings that are behind his cold feet. Something isn’t working for him, otherwise he’d be asking you.

So I suggest that you ask him how you’re doing as his girlfriend. Focus on understanding him.

The beauty of this approach is multi-fold. For one thing, it shows him what a responsive partner you are, which will only help him feel closer to you. For another, you are showing that you can put him first. Your asking this question shows that his happiness is utmost in your mind and heart. And it should be.

Keep in mind that behavior is a communication. Most people don’t know how to put their thoughts and feelings into words. So, their behavior gets expressed in actions. The problem with actions is you can’t do anything constructive with them. Worse, actions can be emotionally upsetting for the receiver of these actions. In this case, his inaction is an action.

Related Advice Columns

• Wounded Man
• What If She Slept with Someone Else Before We Were Committed?
• Is This a Lesson in Futility?
• She Wants to Marry Me and Thinks I Am The One...But
• Does She Really Like Me? Or is She Just Playing Me?
• I Love Someone But Does He Love Me?
• Avoidance of Sex Due to Fears
• Depressed Boyfriend
  

He's Turning You into His Sex Slave

I have a question that I would like your opinion on. My husband has been constantly on my back about the way he wants to have sex.I have to let him fall asleep first, wake him up by performing fellatio on him after our son falls asleep. Lately he will not have sex if I don't do this. Now he requests that I shower and shave right before I wake him. Not that morning, right before. I do have a low sex drive and I take responsibility for that, but these constant 'requests' are getting to me. It is not just once in a while, it is every time. I believe it is a power issue, he says, as his wife I should agree to these 'requests' willingly because 'any other women would do that for her man'. I work a full time job and to be honest around 10:00 at night, I don't feel like going through this routine every time we have sex. We have been together 11+ years. What do you think?

Signed by: 

Tired of being his sex slave

Answer: 

Man, not only do you have to work a full-time job, but then you are expected to give him daily blow-jobs! on your off time--to get him off! Your husband is putting a gun to your head. As you said, he isn't making a request, he is commanding and controlling you. There is something degrading and hostile about his behavior. He's not treating you like a person. On the contrary, he's reducing you to a whore, an object who's only purpose is to serve him.

You say it's a power issue. By this I assume you mean that he is trying to exert his power over you by proving that he can make you submit to his will. This is true! I hope you know that the way he is attempting to control you is terribly hostile. He has to be seething with rage toward you and all women, and, of course, his mother.That's the only feeling that would explain such angry behavior. 

Tell him that he is treating you like an object and ask him if that's how he wants you to feel. I also want him to reflect on why all this is happening now. I am so distressed by what you've said and I'm not confident that the two of you are going to be able to break this impasse without help.

Obviously, your carrying his bad feelings isn't going to heal his wound. . . . and it will ruin the marriage. You're in a very tough spot. He is getting a lot of pleasure out of controlling you and he isn't going to want to give this up. If you continue to give in to him, he'll just feel more and more gratified as you feel more and more controlled and degraded. He isn't going to stop this. Only you can put your foot down. Tell him that he needs to go to couples therapy with you.

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Husband is married to his mother

Dear Dr. Love:

I am married to a man whose mother has almost no life outside of him. She is totally devoted to him to the exclusion of just about everything -- work, hobbies, friends. Plus, she turns to him for advice on everything from programming the VCR to complex legal transactions. He is an only child whose father left before he was born.

Meanwhile, I have felt more and more encroached upon.He has always defended her actions and now I 'm told that things which transpire between the two of them are none of my business. I have often wished she would go get a life and have made several suggestions.

 Lately, have been considering leaving my husband. Where can I find information or help so I make the appropriate decision?

Signed by: 

Considering Leaving my Husband

Answer: 

You are in a tough situation. It actually feels like your husband is married to his mother and you are the other woman! You beg for his time and attention, but the mistress never has the bargaining power of a wife. Many mothers demand too much of their son's time and attention, but not every husband takes the bait. It is your husband who has the problem.

 You have to take matters in your own hands. First thing, stop nagging him. The more you try to pull him away from her, the angrier he becomes and the more you solidify the bond between them. You have only one solution at this point: Reverse psychology (you know if you can't beat 'em join 'em). Encourage him to spend even more time with his mother and whenever he wants to be with you, you are too busy, have other plans. Let him miss you instead and chase you instead of the other way around. Let him realize what he's missing. Often this type of approach will break the power struggle you are in.

If reverse psychology doesn't get the problem under control, you need to seriously consider if this man can ever give you what you need.

For additional information check out my book   Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict

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Win Your Ex Back Step 4

Your break up has undoubtedly left you with many scars. Before approaching or trying to reconcile any further with your ex, you need to heal yourself first.

Yes, this is yet another step where you don’t actually contact your ex nor do much of anything that involves him or her. But at this point you should welcome that, because through this program you’ve come to realize that before you take any action toward your ex, the process of reconciliation requires a number of vital preparation steps.

A mind riddled with pain and low self-worth and distracted from its goal by passions and jealousies is only going lose focus and miss the mark. It is a slave to its own negative fears which are, more often than not, mostly imaginary.

Remember what your goal is: you are trying to rekindle the love that you once had. This is why one of the main keys to getting your ex back is simply reviving your ex’s attraction to you. And you are far more attractive when you are confident and together and feel good about yourself.

As it is with nutrients that feed the body, there are many different kinds of Personal Essential Nutrients that feed one’s psyche and build your self-esteem. This program takes the psychobabble out of it and breaks them all down into easy to digest terms. Rebuilding yourself now is also an effort that must be pursued on all fronts: psychological, physical, and even spiritual (if you’re so inclined): you must heal yourself in body, mind, heart, and soul.

To read more about this please click; Win Your Ex Step 4

To your complete guide to, Make up Don't Breakup click the link provided.


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Win Your Ex Back Step 3

This is the stage of my program that just might the hardest to do because it still involves, well, doing nothing.  This will require self-control and discipline. If you feel you don’t have much in the way of those qualities right now, it’s time to develop them.

Now, when I tell you to do nothing, of course I’m only talking about actions that involve your ex -- except for one little action step I'm going to give you in a moment. 

I promise you that, until you've gone through all my materials, your best course of action at this point concerning your ex is inaction. Don’t give in to your urge to call, text, email, leave comments on Facebook, show up unannounced, drive by his or her house or neighborhood, and so on and so forth. Avoid your ex at all costs.

I call  this phase of the process the “cool your jets” stage, indicating your need to calm down, cool off, and get yourself together, to gather the resolve and patience you’re going to need to see the reconciliation process through to the finish line.

When the wound is fresh and passions run high is when we say and do the stupidest things.

A relationship cannot be reconciled until it breaks out of these old patterns.

To read more about this please click; Win Back Your Ex Back Step 3

To get your complete guide to, Make Up Don't Break Up click the link provided

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Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays

 If you and your partner spend more time going toe-to-toe 

   instead of draping the mistletoe... then my book, Dr.Love's 

    Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays is

              just what the doctor ordered!

It will be FREE on Amazon Saturday November 16th, 2013

Win Your Ex Back Step 2

Even the most superficial of today’s “get your ex back” programs recommend that the first thing you need to do is back off, curb your sense of urgency, and take some time to calm down and reflect.

There are good reasons for this advice. But there’s more to it than that. You need to go even deeper.

Questions to ask yourself would be: What is it that you and your ex were looking for in the relationship? What is it you were seeking in the other person?

I don’t mean why you were attracted to your ex.  I mean, what is the fundamental Universal Human Need that causes people to get into relationships to begin with? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not sex, or not exactly.

A thorough reconciliation program will go further and deeper than all the quick fix methods out there. Without a clear understanding of what holds human relationships together, how can you ever hope to restore what's broken?  It’s like trying to build a house without understanding gravity.

To read more about this please click; Win Your Ex Back Step 2.

 To get a your complete guide to, Make Up Don't Break Up click the link provided.

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Cat Got Your Tongue?: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Voice

In this week’s show, we’ll be talking about why women find it so difficult to speak their truth. As a result of “stuffing” what needs to be said, women often fall into a rebound reaction that causes them to blow up over the smallest things--a see-saw effect that wreaks havoc on intimate relationships.

Join me and my guest, Judy Cohen, a leading presentation expert and author of the book Red Hot Presentations, as we discuss why it’s so difficult for women to speak up in an effective, not bitchy way.

I will also be introducing a remarkable teenager named Elani Latsios who is beginning her career as a motivational speaker for teens. I’ll be talking with Elani about her own observations about why today’s young women face tremendous obstacles to self-assertion.

Join me for what I know will be a fascinating show on blog talk radio at 1pm est. 

Askdrlove.com

Win Your Ex Back Step 1

The conflict in your relationship has reached the point of boiling over, even to the point of breaking up. You want to try again, but you're afraid you'll soon find yourself back in the same arguments. Getting out of the cycle of conflict isn't easy, and you don't know what to do.

If only you could do something, like buy the perfect gift, or conjure up some perfect funny romantic prank that manages to change everything, like they do in the movies. Through the whole scene you'd have this magic power over your words, and manage to just say and do all the perfect things. You would bring the audience to tears.

Only, in real life, we all know it doesn't work that way. Our efforts are usually clumsy, and we stumble through, and we're tasting shoe leather more times than we'd like.

The problem is that we try too hard, and we're trying to do something where in fact we should do nothing. We forget that it's all the things we've been doing that have gotten us to this point. Sure, we realize we've been doing something wrong, but we think that the answer lies in coming up with actions or words that are the "right" ones.

And what makes us think that, after all our efforts that haven't worked, we're going to suddenly come up with the brilliant Master Plan? And what makes us think that, even if we did, we're not going to execute it in a manner that just repeats the same old patterns.

It may sound bit like something Mr. Miagi from the "Karate Kid" movie might say, but it makes sense: the first stage of repairing a broken relationship is to do nothing. What you need to do is back up, cool off, and give your partner time to do the same. That's why I call the first of this series of articles on how to get your ex back I call  step "zero:" because at this stage of the game, your goal is not only to  do nothing no, but to learn and exercise this vital skill of self-restraint.

During this initial cool off phase you will have to switch from an "active" state of mind where you are trying to pursue the right actions and words (and possibly frantically pursuing your partner as well), to a "passive" state of mind where you are observing yourself and your situation opening yourself to new ways of looking at things. And, you should be preparing yourself to listen and be receptive to your partner rather than trying to "do something" that will fix everything.

In fact, not only during the make-up phase, but during many moments of relationship conflict and especially during the reconciliation process,  the path of non-action is often the best path to take. Instead of getting caught up in cycles of actions and their reactions, which tend to be habitual and repeat the same destructive patterns that lead to break-ups, you need to train yourself to be more thoughtful, aware, and observant of your reactions. And, generally speaking, you have to be patient, you have to give the action that you do take sufficient time to blossom.

Just this change alone can often produce amazing results, because now you're not acting and reacting the way in the same old ways that your partner thought you would, which leaves him or her free to not act or react in the same old ways. The change you make in yourself becomes the change they can make in themselves. This is how you begin to break your relationship's patterns of conflict that led to the breakup in the first place and that continue to threaten to destroy it once again.

Dr. Love's Relationship Toolkit

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Woman Who Wonders if Cybersex is Cheating

Today I am going to share with you a letter I received at my Ask Dr Love Advice Column.


I am so confused. My boyfriend of 4 years has lied to me about an internet relationship that began over 4 months ago. He says that he has turned to the internet because he has limited friends and I am not around. He has dangled the 'carrot' of living together as an option to marriage since he has two more years of school and lives over 300 miles away .

I became aware of this relationship after he started talking about his ' e-mail buddy' and started knocking the concept of marriage. He said it was harmless and that she called him for 'counsel.' Then they started talking on the phone. I have known for some time that he was a liar but I thought he would not lie to me. He repeatedly stated that there was nothing going on as they live over 1000 miles away. Several days ago my instinct (which is always right) told me to check his e-mail. They had plans to meet. Also, I found that he was having phone sex with this person and two others. Needless to say he was furious that I invaded his privacy (he gave me the password).

He wants to reconcile and even proposed marriage. I don't think I can trust him. My question is ... Do you think this warrants as cheating?

Signed by:
Do his actions can be called cheating?


My answer:

If you feel cheated upon, then you are being cheated on. Even though he didn't cheat in action, he is making tracks to cheat by making a date to meet with this woman. Plus, he is cheating you out of himself by placing his energy in flirting with and verbally making love to others. Every woman needs to feel that she is her boyfriend's or husband's number one girl. Clearly you aren't feeling this.

What's equally unacceptable is the fact that he lied to you. Let's face facts. If he's so lonely without you, he could get on the horn and talk to you, not some stranger. By making imaginary love with others, he's pushing you away. Yes, he's an intimacy and commitment phobic and a liar.

But enough about him. It's you I'm worried about. You said you knew he lies but never thought he'd lie to you. I'm afraid you've been living in denial here. It feels like some unfinished childhood business is afoot. I get the sense that your unconscious has chosen a man that lies because you are used to being lied to. The unconscious fantasy behind this choice is the wish that this time around you will fix the liar. Isn't this exactly what you said,'I never thought he'd lie to me.' But, he's lying to you about not being involved with someone else. He is planning to meet with his cybersex partner.

At this point, your focus must be on fixing you. If you focus on the question, was he really cheating, you will miss the point entirely. This isn't about him. It's about you and your willingness to talk yourself out of the truth. About your way of pulling the wool over your eyes. About your need to hold on to the fantasy that a liar won't lie to you.

As part of your healing, you will also need to face the fact that you can't fix him. People that lie usually don't want to change their ways. Lying is a pattern that is learned early in life, and it becomes a deep-seated part of that person's personality. It is a coping strategy that is used to avoid pain and escape punishment. And, unless a person experiences great suffering as a result of lying, he or she will rarely give it up. So, you need to assume that he won't stop lying to you. Do not believe words or promises that he will change, unless he makes a behavioral follow-through and gets professional help.

So, focus on understanding what piece of your childhood you are trying to heal. Which parent lied to you? Then, own your fantasy: that you will fix that lying parent and never be lied to again. Next, take a look at reality. Does your partner want to fix himself. Is he making steps to do so? And, if your answer is no, then you will need to face the facts. He will never change and your life will be filled with a series of lies. And, ultimately, you will then need to make a reality-based, not a fantasy-based choice by asking yourself: Do I want to live with someone who will always lie to me? Am I willing to stay with him knowing that he will never change.

The only way you will be able to fully face reality and not live under the fantasy that he will never lie to you is for you to heal your Old Scar from childhood. When that wound is healed, you will no longer wish to fix liars in your adult life. And this man will become a thing of the past!

I hope that my answer clarifies where you are and what you need to do.

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Stop Making The #1 Mistake Of All Failed Relationships

Following a breakup, there's almost always a possibility of salvaging and healing the relationship.The problem that confronts anyone trying to repair a relationship is trying to figure out what to do differently so as to not end up repeating the same old patterns that lead to the same sad ending.The answer to this is much more basic and mundane: simply learn how to communicate more effectively with your partner.

The number one mistake that most fighting (and failed couples) make: they don't communicate their feelings and handle conflicts in a positive and constructive manner. They let their emotions take over and make unfair accusations.  Essentially the very definition of fighting: fighting = poor communication, it's as simple as that. Couples can have a conflict, but still be able to communicate positively in order to work through and resolve the disagreement. I explain at depth in all my books, including Make Up Don't Break Up, conflict and fighting are not the same thing.

At the root of all breakups is an unresolved conflict of some kind.When the fighting stops and the conflict is resolved, the relationship is healed and can resume in peace and harmony.

So, if want to get your ex back and to be the one who initiates saving the relationship, you have to be the one to drop your personal agenda and start listening. You can't continue to make you and your feelings, your explanations, or your gripes the main subject of discussion. Forget about how wronged you feel: instead, ask your partner how he or she feels wronged.

In my book Make Up, Don't Break Up: Dr. Love's 5 Step Plan For Reconciling With Your Ex, I provide step-by-step instructions on how to do this and how to approach your ex to discuss reconciliation.

In Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First); A Step By Step Guide For Resolving Relationship Conflict, I devote an entire chapter to improving your listening skills, complete with examples, exercises, and specific communication techniques that will turn your negative fighting patterns into positive, relationship bonding experiences.

In my book Dr. Love's Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays, I give my powerful secret formula for declaring a permanent ceae- fire ...so you can finally turn your hollerdays into truly happy holidays.

Today is your Lucky Day! Today only one of my books is FREE on Amazon!

Today only, my book,  Dr Love's Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays  is FREE on Amazon!

I created an essential holiday survival guide for couples. Based upon my proven conflict resolution methods, I show how to steer clear of all the potholes that cause relationships to break down during the holidays.


Click the link below:
Dr Love's Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays

Download the book for FREE and let me know what you think.

Girlfriend Cheated on Me with a Lesbian

Today I am going to share with you another letter I received at my Ask Dr Love Advice Column.

Five days ago, my ex broke up with me and confessed to cheating on me with another girl. She thinks she could could be lesbian and wants time alone to figure it out. She said that we might be able to work it out. It was so sudden, it left me in shock and heart broken. Iv always put her first and did my best to make her happy. I love her. She says she still loves me. But i kinda feel like she is playing games, just to keep me there. Honesty I don't what to do or how to feel. Its a conflict inside. Should i wait and hope we can work it out? Or walk away and prevent further heartbreak from her? I love her so much, but I don't want to feel this pain anymore.

Signed by: 

emotional damage

Answer: 

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re being put through.  

I noticed that you didn’t say that you felt her foray into lesbian territory is driven by a genuine need to determine if she’s bi-sexual or not.

On the contrary, you said that you feel like she’s playing games with you. Are you saying that she’s pretending to be gay, just to have the fun of playing the field? Or are you saying that she’s playing games to get you jealous? To build up her ego?

How you feel about her actions is significant. If you feel like you’re being played, you’re being played.

By the way, Freud said that all humans are bi-sexual by nature. This means we can naturally swing either way. Once we form a monogamous relationship, we choose to commit to that person and close the doors to other options. That doesn’t mean that you don’t continue to feel attractions to others, both male and female. You just choose to not act on these attractions so as to not rupture your relationship.

What she’s doing is not considerate of you. She’s gratifying her wishes to screw around. The net effect is a giant screw you. 

The bottom line is this: she doesn’t get to play around on you. Since you said you don’t want to feel the pain any more, you’re going to need to step away from her.

You can tell her that she can play around all she wants, but she can’t have you at the same time. When she figures out what she wants, she can contact you. If you’re single, you can see how you feel about giving her another shot. I would be very, very wary of trusting her again.

I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt like this.

Promise me that you won’t allow her actions to cause you to doubt your manhood.

Research shows that the majority of women who become lesbians do so because of having been sexually molested in the past.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing.

Related Advice Columns

• Messed Up, Still Want Him Back
• Getting Over His Past
• Totally in Lust with Another Guy
• I Think I Messed Up.....
• Should I Leave my Man or Make it Work?
• Does She Really Like Me? Or is She Just Playing Me?
• Depressed Boyfriend
• Wounded Man

The Anatomy Of Imaginary Relationships

On this weeks Ask Dr Love Radio show I exposed the anatomy of imaginary relationships.

Millions of women fall into the trap of confusing a friend with benefits relationship with a  relationship that has a real future.

Millions of women find themselves trapped in an imaginary relationship without realizing it.

In this show, I exposes the 13 telltale signs that a woman is trapped in a one-sided love affair that has heartbreak written all over it.

If  missed Tuesdays show please turn in tomorrow to Blog Talk Radio !

What’s Your Relationship IQ? How To Measure Your "Heart Smarts"!

Everyone’s heard of an IQ, or an “Intelligence Quotient.” We all know that we have one, and most people would prefer to have at least a normal or above average IQ (and most people probably think they do). But when it comes to relationships, a high IQ score is no measure of how smart you are in love. It doesn’t measure the intelligence of your heart, only your head. To measure that, I’ve devised a new metric I call the RIQ, or Relationship Intelligence Quotient.

In fact, when it comes to relationships, listening to your head can often be fatal, and is often the cause of a wide variety of relationship troubles. This is because too often we’re thinking about what we should be doing or how things should be instead of feeling, and relationships are ruled by the heart, not the head: they’re about feelings, not facts or logic, and feelings are quite often anything but strictly logical. You can’t only think your way out of relationship conflicts. You have to feel your way through them.

You could say that the heart isn’t exactly  illogical, but has its own kind of logic. As Pascal said, “Le cœur a ses raisons, que la raison ne connaît point,” which means, the heart has its reasons that reason doesn’t understand! IQ measures your reasoning and logical faculties, your memory, and your knowledge of various subjects. It doesn’t measure your social and communication abilities, your level of empathy and compassion, your range of emotions and how you handle your feelings and react to others.

Your IQ measures the intelligence in your head. Your RIQ measures the intelligence of your heart!

Using my FREE guide, "What’s Your Relationship IQ? Dr. Love’s 25 Keys for Learning About Your Relationship Intelligence," we will look at how you function in relationships through a series of multiple choice options for how you would react in a given relationship situation. Preferred answers for the more healthy responses, analysis of your final score, analysis of why you might react the way you do and suggestions on how to do things differently are provided.

This test can work in tandem with your Personality Profile to help you understand what makes you tick when it comes to relationships while showing you all the areas in which you can improve in order to make your relationships happier, healthier and stronger. All of these tests are part of Dr. Love's Relationship Toolkit , which contains 11 FREE tests and guides that are all free with your AskDrLove Newsletter Subscription. Sign up now using the form on this page, or find out more about what you get with your newsletter.

Suggested Reading

Dr. Love's Relationship Toolkit

Dr. Love's Relationship Toolkit offers 11 free relationship workbooks and guides, including "What's Your Relationship IQ? All of these workbooks can be yours FREE to download immediately just by subscribing to my newsletter.

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Dated My Best Friend

Today, I am going to share with you a letter I received at my Ask Dr Love Advice Column and my advice.

Dear Dr. Love,

I recently briefly dated one of my closest friends. We clicked really well and had feelings for each other and decided to give it a go. We are both in our 40s. After a few months, there were a lot of complications that we had not foreseen, perhaps because of the fact that we were such close friends and knew everything about each other. In any case, it reached a point where we could both see if was not going to end well. While I wanted to discuss this with him and end it nicely, he just completely shut me out and was rude on occasions for a few weeks. I let him be at first but eventually caved and asked him what is wrong. He told me he is done with the relationship for the same reasons I was going to give him. Of course, I was okay with this but I am so hurt that he would treat me this way. In any case, we decided to remain friends as we had been so close to each other for a good few years and it seemed a shame to let that go. He told me he still loves and cares about me but he is still not treating me well. I cannot avoid him altogether as we work together and have since we were in our 30s - so I have no intention of leaving my job, nor him. I want him in my life as a friend and a part of me does wish things had worked out as I do love him and care for him as well. However, I am willing to accept that they didn't. I just want to know why he is being this way now? What should I do about it?

Signed by: 

Confused and Hurt

Answer: 

Boy does this guy need some relationship advice!

The first thing I would do is ask him why he’s been acting so meanly since the break-up? Since you both agreed to be friends, what’s the need for all this animosity?

See what he says.

I know you both decided that you couldn’t make the relationship work because you’re friends. This doesn’t make sense to me. In the best romantic relationships partners feel like best friends.

Something got triggered in both of you, and neither of you is aware of what it is.

As for why he’s treating you badly now…he may be feeling guilty that he’s done you harm. His guilt may have morphed into anger.

It’s also possible that he’s not so sure that he doesn’t want you as more than a friend. Whatever got triggered for him that created the problems in your relationship still seems to be active in him. Remember, romantic relationships go awry because the partners start to see each other as the parent that we had the most difficulty with. When this happens, negative feelings burst out. Suddenly, you start hating the one you love and you don’t know why. That would explain why he’s dumping on you.

He also may be using the anger as a way of creating space. Think about how teenagers use anger to push away from the family.

If he were un-conflicted about you, if he were 100% sure that he only wanted you as a friend, he wouldn’t need to muster up all this anger to push you away.  

The guy needs therapy!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…you said that you just want to be comfortable and resume the friendship. How about saying to him, “Listen, I’m comfortable with our being friends. I want us to be friends. If you keep kicking up such a fuss you’re going to hurt our friendship.”

Let’s see if that line cools his jets.

Related Advice Columns

• Messed Up, Still Want Him Back
• Getting Over His Past
• Break Up
• She Won't Take Me Back. I'm So Lost Without Her
• Husband Wants Divorce Never Loved Me 32 Years Later...
• Still in Love with My Ex But Already Attached to Another
• Bored Wife
• Why Is My Ex Constantly Lying to Me?

Ten Ways to Deal with a Verbally Abusive Mate

1. When your mate begins to verbally abuse you, tell him or her: "If you want to tell me, calmly, what I said or did and why it upset you, I will listen, but I won't allow you to talk to me that way."
2. If your mate continues to abuse you verbally, walk away. Your mate must get the idea that no attention, response or reaction will be offered when he or she is abusive.
3. Remember that yelling back at an abusive mate actually rewards the abuser. Giving your attention and offering verbal comebacks are all types of rewards. Remember to tell yourself: I will no longer offer any attention for abusive behavior.
4. Reward any constructive attempts on your mate's part to tell you what is bothering him or her. Always reward positive behavior and ignore negative behavior.
5. Often, abused mates lack power in their relationships and feel financially or emotionally dependent. The abusive mate knows this and senses that any abusive behavior will be tolerated because the abused mate feels that he or she cannot survive alone. In order to break this power imbalance which underlies abuse, do whatever is needed to reclaim your power. Go back to school, improve your earning potential, make new friends.
6. Find out how the abuse relates to your history. Are you recreating your parent's abusive marriage? Are you replaying abuse that you suffered as a child? In order to break the abuse cycle, you need to understand why your mind has chosen an abusive spouse and/or tolerates abuse. You also must figure out what childhood wound you are trying to heal through this recreation of earlier abuse.
7. Ask yourself, "What do I hope to gain by putting up with abuse?" When I ask many abused spouses this question and they do a little soul searching, they are surprised to find that they secretly believe that tolerating abuse will eventually bring them rewards. Sooner or later, I will be loved or appreciated for my tolerance." Wrong. Tolerating abuse yields more abuse.
8. If verbal abuse leads to physical violence or if you feel physically endangered, seek professional help at once.
9. Ask your mate to join in couples therapy with you. Also, join an abused spouse support group.
10. Improve your self-esteem by surrounding yourself with people who love and respect you. As you feel better about yourself, you will unconsciously begin to send the message that you will not permit yourself to be treated badly.

More Top Ten Tips

• Ten Tips for a Sizzling Sex Life
• Ten Ways to Constructively Handle Anger
• Ten Ways to Keep Romance Alive
• Ten Ways for Survivors to Trust and Love Again
• Ten Ways to Head off a Fight

If you would like to read more on resolving relationship conflict please take a look at my book; 

Till Death do Us Part ( Unless I kill You First): A Step-by-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict

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Dr. Love's Couples' Guide to Surviving the Jolly Hollerdays available on Amazon

I created an essential holiday survival guide for couples. Based upon my proven and critically acclaimed conflict resolution methods, I show how to steer clear of all the potholes that cause relationships to break down during the holidays. From added financial burdens, to handling the in-laws, to tackling disappointment and neglect, I reveal my secret method for navigating every relationship roadblock. Let me help you ring in the holidays instead of ring each other's throats..Let me guide you to experience true bliss this holiday season and beyond.

My guide is available on Amazon, click this link to see more : http://www.amazon.com/Loves-Couples-Guide-Surviving-Hollerdays-ebook/dp/B00GBMEPVQ/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_tnr_1

How To Get A Man To Open Up To You Emotionally

Do you often wonder what your man is thinking and feeling?

Do you feel like you need a crystal ball in order to know what’s going inside his head?

Have no fear. Dr. Love is here! There is a way to encourage even the most close-lipped guys to start spilling their emotional guts to you.

In order to help your guy talk, you need to understand the three main reasons why they resist doing so.

First: The male gender role itself encourages guys to keep their feelings close to the vest. This vest is more like a straightjacket that demands of men that they behave in a “macho” way by avoiding the appearance of weakness and vulnerability. Instead of talking about feelings, they focus instead on actions, goals and outcomes.

Second: When a man loves you he doesn’t want to hurt you. This is why many men hesitate to say what they’re thinking and feeling because they want to protect you.

Third: Men often feel inadequate when it comes to emotional communication. They are afraid to open up emotionally fraught discussions because they don’t feel able to hold their own verbally. They may also be afraid of facing your own emotional intensity–most especially your anger. Your anger upsets them more than you could ever imagine, especially when they love you and want to make you happy.

Now, that you know the three main reasons why guys resist opening up, let me give you a blueprint for handling each of these three blocks.

In the first case, you can help your guy dissolve the macho armor by reminding him that it takes a lot of courage and strength to face strong feelings. When he does exhibit the courage to put his toe in the water, make sure that you listen without judgment and thank him for sharing. When he feels good about having made this first attempt, he’ll feel braver to wade into deeper emotional waters with you.

In the second case–he’s holding back to protect you–you can help him to open up by reminding him that his silence isn’t protecting you or the relationship. On the contrary, if he doesn’t tell you what’s in his mind and heart, he could easily build up resentment, which can lead to a break up. One way to get him started is for you to ask him to grade how you’re doing as his partner. Ask him once a week what can you do to be a 10? Where are you falling short? Asking for feedback that’s couched in his own goal-oriented language will make it easier for him to start blabbing.

Third, if he’s afraid of the reaction he’s going to get from you when he opens up, it’s your job to learn how to contain your emotions so that you don’t overreact and dump intense feelings (especially anger) on him. If he sees that he can talk to you, and feel heard and not retaliated against, that will invite more and more honest communications from him.

I’ve given a few pointers on how to get even the toughest clams to open up. My book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) will give you a complete, step-by-step, guide on how you can help your guy to open up emotionally. Since emotional disclosure is so highly linked to relationship satisfaction, I encourage you to learn my proven methods today.

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Dr. Jamie Turndorf, www.askdrlove.com