Do you often wonder what your man is thinking and feeling?
Do you feel like you need a crystal ball in order to know what’s going inside his head?
Have no fear. Dr. Love is here! There is a way to encourage even the most close-lipped guys to start spilling their emotional guts to you.
In order to help your guy talk, you need to understand the three main reasons why they resist doing so.
First: The male gender role itself encourages guys to keep their feelings close to the vest. This vest is more like a straightjacket that demands of men that they behave in a “macho” way by avoiding the appearance of weakness and vulnerability. Instead of talking about feelings, they focus instead on actions, goals and outcomes.
Second: When a man loves you he doesn’t want to hurt you. This is why many men hesitate to say what they’re thinking and feeling because they want to protect you.
Third: Men often feel inadequate when it comes to emotional communication. They are afraid to open up emotionally fraught discussions because they don’t feel able to hold their own verbally. They may also be afraid of facing your own emotional intensity–most especially your anger. Your anger upsets them more than you could ever imagine, especially when they love you and want to make you happy.
Now, that you know the three main reasons why guys resist opening up, let me give you a blueprint for handling each of these three blocks.
In the first case, you can help your guy dissolve the macho armor by reminding him that it takes a lot of courage and strength to face strong feelings. When he does exhibit the courage to put his toe in the water, make sure that you listen without judgment and thank him for sharing. When he feels good about having made this first attempt, he’ll feel braver to wade into deeper emotional waters with you.
In the second case–he’s holding back to protect you–you can help him to open up by reminding him that his silence isn’t protecting you or the relationship. On the contrary, if he doesn’t tell you what’s in his mind and heart, he could easily build up resentment, which can lead to a break up. One way to get him started is for you to ask him to grade how you’re doing as his partner. Ask him once a week what can you do to be a 10? Where are you falling short? Asking for feedback that’s couched in his own goal-oriented language will make it easier for him to start blabbing.
Third, if he’s afraid of the reaction he’s going to get from you when he opens up, it’s your job to learn how to contain your emotions so that you don’t overreact and dump intense feelings (especially anger) on him. If he sees that he can talk to you, and feel heard and not retaliated against, that will invite more and more honest communications from him.
I’ve given a few pointers on how to get even the toughest clams to open up. My book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First) will give you a complete, step-by-step, guide on how you can help your guy to open up emotionally. Since emotional disclosure is so highly linked to relationship satisfaction, I encourage you to learn my proven methods today.
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Dr. Jamie Turndorf, www.askdrlove.com
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