Not Much to Look At

Dear Dr. Love:

I have a boyfriend who works with a very attractive woman. They work very long hours. He treats her very well and at times I find myself becoming overwhelmingly jealous. I am not much to look at and I sometimes wonder if looks are important to him. Should I trust him?

Not Much to Look At

Answer: 

You ask if you should trust your boyfriend. If you are worried about your status in the relationship, you could ask him, 'how are we doing together?' or 'how is our relationship going?' and see what he says. Also, you might privately consider whether he has changed in the way he treats you? Is he looking for excuses not to be with you? Is he suddenly behaving differently?

If your boyfriend seems to be behaving as he always did toward you and he tells you that everything is fine between you both, then we can assume that the issue lies within yourself. So, in order to build up your confidence about the relationship, start by reminding yourself that your boyfriend chose to date you. If he had been married to movie star looks, then he wouldn't have chosen you in the first place. I have often met gorgeous guys who are madly in love with plain looking women. Attraction is much more than skin deep, and a woman who is ugly can actually appear beautiful if she resonates with self-confidence.

It sounds to me as though your self-esteem leaves something to be desired. My goodness, you do put yourself down (I am not much to look at). I have seen absolute dogs who think they are Miss Americas. Do you know what is attractive about you? If you don't know, start making a list. If you need help, ask friends to tell you your attractive points. If you don't soon feel better about yourself, you will be doubting your boyfriend at every turn. (There will always be another pretty colleague that has you worried sick. )

So, work on improving your self-esteem. Every day, remind yourself out loud what is special and wonderful about you. If you don't feel better about yourself in six weeks, contact me again, and we'll go to the next step.

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