Dear Dr. Love,
I recently briefly dated one of my closest friends. We clicked really well and had feelings for each other and decided to give it a go. We are both in our 40s. After a few months, there were a lot of complications that we had not foreseen, perhaps because of the fact that we were such close friends and knew everything about each other. In any case, it reached a point where we could both see if was not going to end well. While I wanted to discuss this with him and end it nicely, he just completely shut me out and was rude on occasions for a few weeks. I let him be at first but eventually caved and asked him what is wrong. He told me he is done with the relationship for the same reasons I was going to give him. Of course, I was okay with this but I am so hurt that he would treat me this way. In any case, we decided to remain friends as we had been so close to each other for a good few years and it seemed a shame to let that go. He told me he still loves and cares about me but he is still not treating me well. I cannot avoid him altogether as we work together and have since we were in our 30s - so I have no intention of leaving my job, nor him. I want him in my life as a friend and a part of me does wish things had worked out as I do love him and care for him as well. However, I am willing to accept that they didn't. I just want to know why he is being this way now? What should I do about it?
Signed by:
Confused and Hurt
Boy does this guy need some relationship advice!
The first thing I would do is ask him why he’s been acting so meanly since the break-up? Since you both agreed to be friends, what’s the need for all this animosity?
See what he says.
I know you both decided that you couldn’t make the relationship work because you’re friends. This doesn’t make sense to me. In the best romantic relationships partners feel like best friends.
Something got triggered in both of you, and neither of you is aware of what it is.
As for why he’s treating you badly now…he may be feeling guilty that he’s done you harm. His guilt may have morphed into anger.
It’s also possible that he’s not so sure that he doesn’t want you as more than a friend. Whatever got triggered for him that created the problems in your relationship still seems to be active in him. Remember, romantic relationships go awry because the partners start to see each other as the parent that we had the most difficulty with. When this happens, negative feelings burst out. Suddenly, you start hating the one you love and you don’t know why. That would explain why he’s dumping on you.
He also may be using the anger as a way of creating space. Think about how teenagers use anger to push away from the family.
If he were un-conflicted about you, if he were 100% sure that he only wanted you as a friend, he wouldn’t need to muster up all this anger to push you away.
The guy needs therapy!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…you said that you just want to be comfortable and resume the friendship. How about saying to him, “Listen, I’m comfortable with our being friends. I want us to be friends. If you keep kicking up such a fuss you’re going to hurt our friendship.”
Let’s see if that line cools his jets.
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