Imagine a couple in a long term, committed relationship. Imagine one of the parties subscribes to a singles dating site - no public profile is involved, he or she, just likes to look at what's out there. The 'looker' argues it is just amusement. The other party says it is disrespectful and suggestive that perhaps the 'looker' is seeking greener pastures. What would your advice be?
It is common knowledge that men are "lookers" by nature and that male sexuality is fueled by visual stimuli. At the same time, men are wired for variety rather than monogamy. This explains why men throughout the ages have been drawn to visual pornography. Porn satisfies the urge for variety while permitting a man to remain faithful.
With the advent of online dating, an element of reality has now been introduced into the equation. When a man looks at photos on these dating sites, he's playing with fire. These aren't pictures of fantasy women who will always remain strangers. On the contrary, men and women pictured on dating sites can become real with the click of a button. A date can be scheduled at a moment's notice.
This is why you are feeling threatened by your partner's actions. He or she is playing with fire and you know it.
Your partner is looking at real people, not anonymous photos.
The act is a nonverbal communication to you. The message feels hostile and provocative. It's as if the sword is dangling above your head, and at any moment your neck may roll.
Your partner isn't taking responsibility for his/her actions. In fact, his actions are a passive, indirect expression of anger toward you. It feels like you are getting set up. If you don't object, your days are numbered. If you do object and demand that he/she get real with you, you are being set up as the "crazy, over-reactive nut," which you aren't.
I recommend your putting his/her foot to the fire and calling him/her on what's going on. If this relationship is going to survive, your partner needs to step up and put his/her true feelings into words. You want his/her communication translated into a message you can understand.
You need to ask him/her what this behavior telling you about how he feels toward you and about the relationship? Is he/she trying to tell you that you aren't meeting his/her needs? Does he/she want you to feel jealous? Does he/she want you to fight for him/her? Does he/she not feel that you care enough, and is this a ploy to get you to prove how much he/she means to you?
When he/she denies that there's anything wrong, you must have the courage to stay the course and continue to point out the elephant in the room, the truth that is painfully obvious: that he/she is inducing you to fear that an affair is imminent and he/she is doing this for a reason.
A fight will likely ensue, which is fine. Better to have your partner's anger on the table rather than expressed in this indirect and very relationship destructive way.
Once the issue is on the table then you can take the necessary steps to repair what is wrong in the relationship. I recommend that you immediately read my book Till Death Do Us Part (Unless I Kill You First): A Step-By-Step Guide for Resolving Relationship Conflict, which will guide you on resolving the real issue that your discussion uncovers.
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