Exciting Invitation!

Hi, it's Dr. Love here with a very exciting invitation!

This Wednesday, March 12th  at 12 noon EST, I'll be doing a live Google+  Hangout. We are going to have a fun conversation on Kiss Your Fights Good-bye!

Google Hangouts is like watching a live TV show where you can participate in two ways:

1) If you're on Google+ you can actually join in and be a part of the show! Just click on the link below and click on the YES button on the event invite… you can leave your comments or questions in the comment thread.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/events/crcqmfdg5p2k85ggu7v1uqibot8

OR

2) If you're not on Google+ you can watch, listen and comment live via YouTube!

Here's the link to watch live on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/bringbackdesire

3) And you can even watch on YouTube from your mobile phone.

How cool is that!

4) If you can't catch the show live, we'll post the event invite link on Facebook so you can watch later when it's convenient for you.

However, it's more fun live… where you can speak to me live and ask me your questions! 

Hope to hang out with you soon!

Dr. Jamie Turndorf( aka Dr. Love)

Does She Love Me?

Dear Dr. Love,

I 'm 20 years old and I have been together with my girlfriend for 9 months. Sometimes I get confused and I wonder if she really loves me. Sometimes she really shows a lot of love and sometimes she is really cold. My question is, how or what is the best way to tell if a woman really loves you.

Thank You.

Answer: 

I understand your confusion. There are no hard and fast rules for recognizing whether someone else loves you. Since you say that your girlfriend shows a lot of love, I would say that she probably does love you.

So, if she loves you, why these periods of coolness? I think that she cools because she doesn't know how to deal with her angry feelings toward you. Angry feelings are normal in relationships, but since we haven't been trained to express negative feelings in words, it is common for these feelings to be expressed in actions: 'pulling back 'or 'cooling off, 'etc. Does your girlfriend ever put her angry feelings into words? If she doesn't, then we can assume that when she cools toward you, she is at a loss for how to discuss what's bothering her.

So, next time she cools, ask her, 'I feel a cool wind blowing in my direction. Did I do something to upset you?' When she tells you what you did, listen attentively and thank her for sharing. Regularly inviting her to put her feelings into words, should warm the Siberian winds. Eventually, she will learn how to tell you what is on her mind and avoid the periods of cooling off all together.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Why Me?

I am a 19 year old 1st year college girl and I really need your relationship advice. I have like NO luck with guys at all. I am a really great person, I have never had sex, I am waiting for the right guy I guess. I am pretty attractive, I have been told many times.

I get into relationships with guys and I try not to fall for them too fast because I know that they will end up hurting me. They treat me great and I get hooked, once I do, they dump me! I haven't had a 'serious' relationship for more than 3 months. I was however 'seeing' a guy for almost a year. I just don't know what is wrong with me, I treat the guys I am with great. I am a sweet and caring person.

What am I doing wrong!?! I need to know why the guys I date end up to be jerks. Am I a jerk magnet? 

Well, please help! Thank you!

Signed by: 

Why Me?

Answer: 

Yes, you do need relationship advice! My first piece of advice is to tell you that all your relationships sound scripted. Like you know the beginning, middle and end before you turn the first page of a relationship. And, because you are sure of the outcome, you avoid getting attached, because you know that you will end up being hurt and rejected, again.

Whenever you find yourself playing out a script, or caught in a repetitive scenario, there is only one reason why this is happening. The mind is replaying some core scene of childhood that hasn't been healed.  

So, you need to find out what childhood trauma is being replayed for you. It sounds like you are reliving an abandonment theme. Someone made you trust him (or her) then rejected you.

To figure out your specific Old Scar, think back to what hurt most when you when you were young. 

After you identify your Old Scar, next we need to figure out what healing you need. Sometimes the replaying of a past wound is the mind's way of exorcising the bad feelings. By reliving the painful feelings of the past, feelings weaken until they are fully worked through.

Mostly, the mind wishes to replay the past in order to achieve the Happy Ending that I talk so often about. Your Happy Ending as a child would have most likely been that parent sticking around rather than walking out. Your Happy Ending now would be finding a boyfriend who sticks around and doesn't reject or abandon you.

It's important that you is to stop replaying the old abandonment theme in real life, where the stakes are higher and each new abandonment adds insult to injury and drives the wound deeper inside you.

I suggest you take a break from dating for now and enter therapy. In good therapy, you will have the opportunity to replay the abandonment feelings and obtain the Happy Ending with a therapist who doesn't leave you.

When you are healed, you will be acutely aware of the people that you choose to date. You will not only be able to read the clues and pick out abandoners. (You already seem to sense from the beginning that the people you are choosing are abandoners.) but you will also be ready to avoid these people.  

Again, I encourage you to have no relationships until you work this issue out in therapy. Being alone is better than being abandoned again and again.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

Join me Today

Join me today at 1pm ( EST) on Blog Talk Radio

How Understanding Creates Longstanding Love

Did you know that happy couples are happy because they know how to enter each other’s emotional realities and see the world from the other’s vantage point?

The technical name for this skill is Partial Identification. What this skill entails is keeping one foot on your own side of the emotional fence while at the same time stepping into your partner’s emotional shoes.

No relationship can thrive without this skill.

Unfortunately, in distressed relationships, partners never Partially Identify with each other; instead, they ram their individual realities down each other’s throats...which leads to ringing each other’s necks!

Because Partial Identification is the master key to heading off fights--and creating a solid bond--you’ll want to tune in to learn how to master this skill.

And, by the way, this skill will improve all your relationships with friends, family, kids and co-workers

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

If you have missed any shows the are available on demand at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ask-dr-love

Iceman

Dr. Love,

Is it possible for me to fall back in love with my wife even though I feel nothing for her right now? She has said and done a lot to crush me and I feel numb now. Can those feelings come back?

Signed by: 

Can My Feelings Come Back?

Answer: 

The numbness you describe is like a psychological anesthesia, a protection so that you can't be hurt any more. And it sounds like your mind is doing you a big favor since your wife has said and done a lot to crush you. Yes, your love feelings can return, but certain conditions are required.

First, you need to feel safe that you won't be destroyed again if you open up. In order to have this assurance, your wife needs to learn how to express her needs and disappointments about the relationship in a less destructive way. She needs to be very focused, not global in her complaints, and coolly tell you what you are doing (behavioral description) and how that behavior makes her feel.

Then she needs to state what you could do to make her feel better. If you listen and understand, there is less danger of her becoming too enraged and saying horrible things. Women often lose it when they don't feel heard and understood.

So, you can protect yourself by: structuring the discussions; listening well to what she says; and aborting discussions that start to heat up, rescheduling for when things cool down. If you find it difficult to manage these discussions alone, it is O. K. to seek help from a good marriage counsellor.

With hard work you can create a more loving marriage in which you feel safe to love.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf (aka Dr. Love)

How Understanding Creates Longstanding Love!

Today on Ask Dr Love Radio,

Did you know that happy couples are happy because they know how to enter each other’s emotional realities and see the world from the other’s vantage point?

The technical name for this skill is Partial Identification. What this skill entails is keeping one foot on your own side of the emotional fence while at the same time stepping into your partner’s emotional shoes.

No relationship can thrive without this skill.

Unfortunately, in distressed relationships, partners never Partially Identify with each other; instead, they ram their individual realities down each other’s throats...which leads to ringing each other’s necks!

Because Partial Identification is the master key to heading off fights--and creating a solid bond--you’ll want to tune in to learn how to master this skill.

And, by the way, this skill will improve all your relationships with friends, family, kids and co-workers.

I loved hearing from you last week, so don’t hesitate to reach out to me this week. The number to call is: 1-888-GOFORIT. If you’re outside the US, dial the US country code, followed by the numbers: 1-847-470-0937 or 1-847-470-1114.

Join me today at 1pm (EST)

Listen live on Talk Zone Radio! Click here

Dr Jamie Turndrof(aka Dr. Love)

Not Sure How To Read A Shy Guy...

Hello Dr. Love,

I truly need your advice! There is a very attractive boy in my Poetry class, I recognized him the first day from a party I was at. Where he (according to my friends) was looking at me, but made a strange comment referring to my clothes... I'm not exactly sure what he said, but I do know it wasn't a nice comment. So, first day of class he sat beside me and I could see him looking at me like he recognized me. Second class, he sat as far away from me as he possibly could. For at least 2 weeks he sat away from me but, he would look at me.. My friends started to notice this, that's how much he looked! Anyways, I made it late to class and he was sitting in my seat, so I took the seat beside him. Awkward silence until I introduced myself, he was very nice shook my hand and told me his name. He seemed alittle nervous, but he smiled alot. I thought things went well, next class rolled around. And he sat on the other side of the room again! On break I left to use the washroom, and I ran into him. He just looked at me, didn't smile, didn't say anything, just walked away... :( Finally, my latest class proved to be very interesting. I was there early, and he sat beside me when there were other seats open. On break, I got up to go talk to my friends on the other side of the room, and he was looking at me again. Then the end of class I said I liked his t-shirt and he seemed impressed that I knew the band on his shirt. It looked like he started to blush he went alittle red in the cheeks, then he started to walk away awkwardly. The whole thing just seemed strange yet good.

Signed by: 

Confused :(

Answer: 

Yeah the dude likes you all right. Here’s another instance where partial identification skills come in handy. Put yourself in his shoes and imagine how terrified the poor guy is. He likes you and doesn’t have a clue as to how to go about winning you. He's probably also nursing a big case of fear of rejection, as well!

He needs a helping hand from you.

You’re going to need to make the first move. He needs to be hit over the head with a love hammer in order to know, without a doubt, that you like him.

Give him lots of what I call Green Lights, which include: approachable body language, smiling, facing him, asking interested questions, and saying positive things to him.

If that doesn’t move the mountain, then we’ll have to get a stick of dynamite!

He should be able to move forward if you offer him the training wheels I outlined.

Dr Jamie Turndorf(aka Dr.Love)